


Lost Souls

by evaricious



Category: Original Work
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Sex, BL, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Boys Love - Freeform, Depression, Drinking, Drunk Sex, Dubious Consent, Falling In Love, First Love, Happy Ending, Hot Springs & Onsen, M/M, Masturbation in Bathroom, Mention Of Suicide Attempt, Phone Sex, Pining, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Secret Relationships, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, Yaoi, implied self harm, mention of Tohouku earthquake and tsunami, seriously guys this is getting dark, set in Japan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:00:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 95,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evaricious/pseuds/evaricious
Summary: His eyes were slightly widened in surprise and as they locked on to mine I felt the world tilt under my feet.Instantly the anger was focused on me, his eyes narrowing as a cruel smile curved his soft, pink lips.I dipped my head in a bow as I was introduced, thankful for the excuse to break eye contact. My new boss was terrifying; the worst kind of stereotype of the tyrannical idol. But his worst crime by far was that he was the spitting image of my first and only love."Chris, was it?"There was a flash of anger in his eyes as he glared up at me."Starting today I'm your new boss."In the autumn of 2010 Christian Williams fell in love at first sight, only to lose Kakeru in the tsunami that swept the north of Japan only four months later. After six years of struggling with his grief he has returned to Japan to fulfill his promise to Kakeru and find something new to live for, but it's not going to be easy to move on. Not when his new boss looks so much like his lost first love. But there the similarities end because Hikaru doesn't like Chris one little bit. Or does he?





	1. The Light of Spring

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends, I’m back, and this time I have zero chill *looks pointedly at tags* 
> 
> Language Notes: I’m going to include some Japanese in the text and I’ll always spell it in roman letters so that it doesn’t interrupt the flow of the story. At the start of these chapters I’ll include the word, its meaning and its spelling in Japanese. 
> 
> For example: “Kamisama kara, wakatta?” From God, understand? 神様から分かった
> 
> My hope is that by including the word in roman letters, the reader will “hear” the word in Japanese as they’re reading. I’m only a student of Japanese myself, so if you think I’ve made a mistake please feel free to let me know! I love Japan and Japanese and I’m always looking to learn more. But keep in mind I’m being deliberately colloquial, and in some cases I might even throw in some regional stuff. Basically, treat this like anime. Don’t just go around repeating these words or phrases (^o~)
> 
> You may already be familiar with suffixs used in Japanese. Basically, the way you address people depends on who they are in relation to you and how polite you’re being. When you initially meet a work colleague, or for those above you without a title you’re safe to use -san. Once you’re a bit closer to your colleagues you can move to nicknames or use -kun or -chan, -chan being the cuter one used often for girls. To show respect to someone above you that doesn’t have a title you can use -sama, but it carries with the respect a tone of being impersonal. In Feudal Japan, Lords were addressed as -dono which indicated their title. In this modern setting it carries a sarcastic tone that you are mocking your superior, unless it is made clear otherwise that you are using the tone because you are modelling yourself after them or somehow making them your leader. It is almost always more polite to call someone by their title rather than their name. 
> 
> Japanese for this chapter: 
> 
> ohayou gozaimasu - good morning おはようございます  
> sakura - cherry blossoms 桜  
> kanzashi - a hair ornament, usually on a long pin worn with long hair and decorated with fabric flowers 簪

Chapter 1: Haru no Hikari – The Light of Spring

_2017_

_Japan is different this time,_ I thought as I gazed up at a canopy of sakura pink.

The last time I had stood in Tokyo the autumn colours dyed the city in the bright gold of the ginko trees that lined the streets of the CBD, but that had been six years ago. Now it was a cool morning in spring and petals were fluttering in the breeze. Now that I was here I was hesitating, standing outside the soaring tower the housed the talent agency that had hired me straight out of uni. I took a deep breath, pushing down my anxiety as I moved towards the large glass doors. Spring had always been synonymous with new beginnings for me, and that was all I wanted. This was my second chance.

“Ohayou gozaimasu.” I greeted the receptionist brightly.

“Good morning, how may I help you?” she replied in perfect English. I felt my eye twitch in frustration. What was the point of possessing a degree in Japanese if everyone insisted on speaking English as soon as they spotted my foreign face? But never mind that. Starting today, I was employed as a personal assistant and language coach, so I supposed that speaking English was literally in my job description.

“I’m Chris Williams. I’m a new employee commencing today.” I handed her my business card, not so much a business card as it was my name and contact information, but if four years of Japanese Studies at Uni had taught me anything it was if you’re going to introduce yourself to somebody, you’d better have your name on a small piece of cardboard.

The receptionist had gestured for me to wait while she looked up where I needed to go and I took the opportunity to look around the lobby. It still felt a bit unreal that I was actually here again. It had been years, after all. I felt the dull ache in my chest, the constant reminder of my loss as I recalled the last time I had been in Japan. _But I’ve finally made my way back,_ I told myself firmly. I had made a promise which I was going to keep.

I was roused from my memories as the receptionist called me over, pointing out the elevators and telling me to report to the manager on floor 25. I found the manager easily, although the bare-faced stares I got as I crossed the large open floor to reach him were disconcerting.

“Hi, I’m Chris Williams, the new PA.” I told him, extending my hand for a handshake. He stared at me silently, his fear only evident in the way his eyes widened slightly as he watched me.

I quickly dropped my head in a bow and reintroduced myself in Japanese, feeling foolish as he started nodding and rummaging around on his desk for some paperwork for me. A pretty woman was summoned over and she introduced herself in accented English as Yuuka.

“I’ll be showing you the ropes. Feel free to ask me anything.” I returned her kind smile, feeling more at ease as she set me up at a vacant desk and showed me the paperwork I would need to complete. “You’ve been assigned to one of our top idols, Hikaru-san,” I looked up, the tone of her voice worrying me slightly. “Don’t worry, he’s not that bad!” she quickly clarified, hands waving as if to brush away my concerns. “Honestly, he’s nothing like the rumours say. He’s just…” her voice trailed off as I watched her, my worries mounting with every word out of her mouth. I hadn’t heard any rumours, but the fact that there _were_ rumours was a concern. “You’ll be fine,” she finished lamely, nodding firmly to herself. I wondered who she was trying to convince.

Yuuka had informed me that this would be my desk at the agency and that I could bring in things to personalise my space. “We’re in the entertainment industry, after all,” she laughed. “We encourage a bit of flair.”

The majority of my employment forms had already been completed; the agency had sponsored my work visa. The forms I had been given this morning related to my personal identification within the agency and once I had filled them out Yuuka took me to have my photo taken for my company ID.

I was in awe as we traversed corridors lined with autographed posters of our agency’s idols and groups. Yuuka told me as we walked that my new boss Hikaru-san had debuted as a solo artist a few years ago but he had just branched out into acting. It hit me again just how lucky I was to be here. My thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash from behind a closed door and Yuuka stopped dead in her tracks, swallowing visibly as she reached for the door handle.

“Sorry to bother you~” she called out as she entered, urging me to follow her into the dark studio.

We had walked into a photographer’s set that was currently the scene of a heated argument. Glass was shattered across the floor, the light of the remaining floodlights glittering off the fragments. In the centre of the debris stood a young man, the source of the angry diatribe currently directed at a cowering assistant. I was rooted to the spot, staring open mouthed at the scene before me. Dressed in a flowing ceremonial kimono, with his long hair caught up with a sakura kanzashi and using his folded fan to gesticulate angrily, he was a vision. An angry vision, but beautiful all the same.

Yuuka communicated with her eyes alone that I should stay where I was as she carefully avoided the glass, moving to stand with the unfortunate employee, her voice raised but steady as she begged forgiveness for their mistake and patiently allowed the brunt of the idol’s anger to turn on her.

A wave of righteous anger swept through me as I saw through her curtain of hair that the first assistant was silently crying. How dare he cause an agency employee to cry? Just who did this guy think he was? Whatever Yuuka had been saying was obviously working; as I watched he turned away from the pair, eyes sliding away from the broken floodlight and for the first time I saw his face fully.

His eyes were slightly widened in surprise and as they locked on to mine I felt the world tilt under my feet. Instantly the anger was focused on me, his eyes narrowing as a cruel smile curved his soft, pink lips. Over his shoulder I saw Yuuka whisper some instructions to the crying assistant before they fled, escaping from the studio through a second door. Yuuka then moved carefully over to me and began the introductions.

“Hikaru-san, this is your new assistant, Chris-kun.” I dipped my head in a bow as I was introduced, thankful for the excuse to break eye contact. My new boss was terrifying; the worst kind of stereotype of the tyrannical idol. But his worst crime by far was that he was the spitting image of my first and only love.

“Chris, was it?” His English was perfect, barely a trace of the accent that clung to Yuuka’s words. I took an involuntary step back as he moved closer, but stopped when I saw a flash of anger in his eyes. I was taller than him and he seemed to notice it at the same moment I did as he glared up at me.  “Starting today I’m your new boss,” he told me, poking me in the chest with his folded fan. “You can start by cleaning up this mess.” He indicated behind him before he stalked from the room, his long sleeves fluttering as he ignored the desperate calls of the crew rallied around the loudly protesting photographer. Their voices were faint as my pulse rushed in my ears and I saw Yuuka’s worried face peering up at me.

“Don’t mind about Hikaru,” she was saying, turning to make a face at the door he had angrily slammed behind him. “He can be a drama queen of the highest order but he’s all talk. Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Still reeling in shock, I tried to greet my new colleagues politely. The assistant who had been in tears earlier was still absent and I asked Yuuka if she was alright.

“I’ll go and see her now, so don’t worry about it.” She cast a glance around at the shattered glass, frowning at it like it had done something to offend her. “Listen, it’s not strictly your job, but could you help clean this up while I go talk to Nao-chan?”  I assured her it was no problem, waving her off as I turned to help sweep up the mess. My new boss might have resembled Kakeru in looks, but he was nothing like my high school love. For the first time I began to wonder if coming to Japan might have been a mistake.

## #

The remainder of my first day had been much less exciting than the first half hour, for which I had been extremely grateful. After the wreckage of my cranky boss had been cleared away the makeup artist had had fun rearranging my hair and contouring my face. Yuuka had returned with a much calmer Naomi, or Nao-chan as she insisted I should call her, while my photo was being taken. When Yuuka later presented me with my agency ID badge I couldn’t believe it was really me. I was going to have to start taking more care with my appearance every day or security would think I had stolen someone else’s badge.

To my great relief I hadn’t had to see my new boss again that day. Yuuka had spoken to him briefly and reported back to me that his schedule had unexpectedly cleared for the afternoon and he wouldn’t be required at the agency until tomorrow. I received the news of my temporary reprieve with so much relief that Yuuka laughed and assured me that I had just caught Hikaru at a bad time.  

“Honestly,” she tried to convince me as I eyed her dubiously, “He’s not usually in the habit of breaking agency property in the middle of temper tantrums.” I wanted to believe her, but I had perhaps unwisely been asking about Hikaru-san around the agency and I had heard the rumours Yuuka mentioned earlier. Quick tempered, cold, narcissistic, a bit of a drinker. He had a reputation for causing grief and the only reason the agency put up with him was because he was genuinely talented and the benefits outweighed the drawbacks, for the moment at least.

By the time I returned to my hotel that night my head was swimming. I was getting a real apartment soon, the agency was arranging everything for me, but for now I was happy to be at a nice hotel, soaring high above Tokyo and my problems.

At least I had thought I was above them, but as I brushed my teeth I found my thoughts straying back to Hikaru. Every time I closed my eyes I could still see him, dressed like royalty in flowing robes, his long hair brushing lightly over the exposed nape of his neck, eyes flashing as he observed me. I felt a chill run down my spine as I recalled how I had felt pinned under his gaze.

If Kakeru had lived, he would be around Hikaru’s age by now. Hikaru had reminded me so vividly of him that it was cruel.

_But that’s life,_ I told myself as I crawled into the cold hotel bed. Life was cruel. Giving hope one minute and snatching it away the next. I briefly entertained the idea that I should just quit. There was no reason for me to stay here and be treated like a slave at the whim of a capricious idol. But as I snuggled down in the bed my eyes were drawn to the large window across the room. The lights of Tokyo spread out before me and I knew I wasn’t going to leave. After six long years I was finally here, and although I knew that Kakeru was gone I felt a sense of peace steal over me.

“I promised I’d come back one day,” I whispered in the dark. “I promised, and now I’m here.”

And with that thought in my mind, I drifted off into sleep.


	2. The Shape of Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language notes:  
> Kamisama kara, wakatta – From god, understand? - 神様から分かった

Yume no Katachi ~ The Shape of Dreams ~ 夢の形

Language notes:   
Kamisama kara, wakatta – From god, understand? - 神様から分かった

 

I awoke on my fifth day in Japan with the unshakable feeling that something bad was going to happen. I knew that coming to Japan would stir up memories, some that I might not want to recall, but I hadn’t been prepared for the unease that was plaguing me now. My alarm hadn’t sounded yet and so I closed my eyes against the morning light beginning to stream into my room, recalling my dream before the features dissolved in the light of day.

Every night this week I had been dreaming of Kakeru, but this dream had been different. As we kissed, young bodies pressed against each other, inexperienced hands fumbling to touch, I had felt the shoulder under my hand broaden and the hair my fingers fisted in lengthen until I stumbled back to find not Kakeru’s young face watching me but Hikaru’s, dark lashes lowered over flashing eyes.

I groaned to myself, slapping a hand over my eyes as I despaired that I had very nearly had a sex dream about my asshole of a new boss. I consoled myself that at least it was Friday, and that the arrangements for my new apartment were likely to be finished today, meaning I would be so busy with moving this weekend I would unlikely have time to address the implications of my inappropriate fantasies.

Despite the fact that I had barely been here a week my new life had fallen into a comfortable routine. Every morning I had breakfast at a Denny’s near the station before catching the train to work. I arrived at 7:55am, flashing my idol-worthy ID badge at Security before heading up to my desk, and this morning was no different.

“Good morning!” I called out as I settled at my desk, my take-away coffee steaming invitingly as I put it aside to shuffle through my schedule for next week. I smiled as I read the note Yuuka had penned in the bottom corner, wishing me good luck with “Princey” as I had discovered some of the staff called Hikaru-san when he was out of earshot.

Yuuka had been a godsend this week, giving me hours of advice and information that I knew was going to be invaluable when she set me loose next week. But I was more surprised with how quickly I had bonded with Nao-chan, sharing our lunch breaks and listening to her horror stories of our trauma-inducing royal boss.

I had been distressed at first when I was told that I was technically Nao-chan’s replacement. Nao-chan had been Hikaru’s PA for a short three months and was quick to assure me that rather than being upset about losing the position, she was grateful to be reshuffled in the agency. I calmed down considerably when it was made clear that she would still have a job, and I was grateful that she wasn’t going to be subjected to Hikaru after today.

I myself hadn’t seen much of Hikaru after that first emotionally charged meeting. In fact until now I’d really only seen him in passing, but Nao-chan, apologising profusely, had begged me to deliver his boxed lunch to his dressing room before dashing away on other agency errands. I frowned as I recalled how relieved she had looked when I’d accepted the job. It wasn’t right that she should feel actual dread about her work, but I was relieved to think that from next week it would officially be one of my duties and Nao would be free. With this thought in mind I knocked on the door, opening it a moment later and immediately I regretted my decision.

Hikaru was lying across the sofa, one arm flung over his eyes while a hand on his thigh tapped out a rhythm. He looked so different to the other times I’d spotted him this week, dressed down in jeans and a shirt, but the most disarming part was his expression. A soft smile was still on his face, free of tension as his lips parted and he silently mouthed a few words.  

Realising he hadn’t heard my first knock I bumped my fist against the open door, and without opening his eyes he called out, “Come in.” I shut the door behind me, and when I looked back he was sitting up, the relaxed smile he wore dropping instantly on seeing me, eyes narrowing as he demanded to know why I was here.

“I’ve brought your lunch,” I told him evenly, attempting to keep most of the anger from my voice as I gestured to the tray.

“Where’s Naomi?” he asked coldly, and I felt a flush of anger at his tone.

“Why, so you can torment her for fun?”  I hadn’t meant to antagonise him, but the reaction I got was unexpected.

“Hmm,” he hummed as he regarded me, a half smile curling his lip. “Have a soft spot for little Nao-chan, do we?” he stalked closer, still glaring at me but with a trace of amusement betrayed in his eyes.

“I have a soft spot for kicked puppies, yes,” I replied, meeting his gaze until he blinked, his expression softening into one of genuine interest.

“I never would’ve picked _you_ for the sentimental type,” he said, and I huffed in annoyance.

“You don’t know me at all so that doesn’t surprise me.” I turned on my heel to leave, but swung back around to face him again. “If you have a problem with me being your assistant, you should request that I be reassigned. It seems like we’re not very compatible.”

“You don’t know _me_ at all; what makes you so sure we’re not compatible?” I froze as he shot back his retort and after a few seconds pause I shook my head at him and being too irritated to risk a reply I left him to his lunch.  

Outside in the hall I sagged against the wall, willing myself to get my temper back under control. I hadn’t meant to rise to his bait but it was hard when he could get under my skin with a single look. After my dream had suggested it I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to kiss not the Kakeru of my past, but the Hikaru of my present. It was stupid and I felt angry with myself for even thinking it. I had resisted the idea of requesting to be given another idol to assist; as a brand new employee and a foreigner I knew my standing with the agency was tenuous, but I was seriously starting to wonder if being fired wouldn’t be worth it. I just needed a job to stay after all, it didn’t have to be this one. I had come back to Japan for a reason and despite being here nearly a week already I hadn’t done anything to try to find Kakeru. I needed to start looking.  

“Chris?” A concerned voice broke through my reverie, startling the thoughts from my mind as I realised Yuuka was staring at me like I was unstable. “Is something wrong with your wrist?” she asked, voice still gentle as we both looked to where I was gripping my left wrist firmly.

“No,” I told her, letting go and brushing the wrinkles from my shirt sleeve. I saw her eyes flick up to the name on the door behind me and I quickly explained I had just brought Hikaru his lunch. Her concerned look didn’t abate.

“Hikaru’s never been violent before but if he hurt you—“ I cut her off before she could finish the thought.

“No, it was nothing like that.” I shook my head emphatically as her eyes flicked down to my wrist again and I quickly explained, “If anything, I was rude to him. I’ll have to apologise later.” She covered her mouth, doubtless to smother the laughter that was showing in her eyes.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” she told me, urging me to walk with her back to the elevators. “Our Hikaru-sama is long overdue for someone to take a stand against him. You just might be the answer to our prayers.” My steps slowed as I contemplated her statement.

“Has he always been like this?” I asked. He couldn’t have been a self-entitled brat since his debut. The agency wouldn’t need him so badly that they’d put up with their staff being abused for that long, surely.

“No,” Yuuka had grown contemplative, head tilted as she considered her response. “He’s always been reserved though. I got the impression that he’d locked away his heart so no one could hurt him. He’s really only been moody like this for the last six months or so.” She nodded once, as if she had examined her analysis and was satisfied with its accuracy. “We’re all hoping he’s just going through a second puberty or something. He was well liked in the past.”

I mirrored her smile, echoing her sentiment that whatever was wrong was hopefully only temporary. Returning to my desk I began to sort through the mail that had been delivered, but my mind was miles away. I couldn’t stop thinking about Yuuka’s description of Hikaru. What had happened six months ago to trigger such a change in his personality? There was clearly more to this than I had originally thought, and as I slit open the first fan letter I decided that I was going to get to the bottom of it, for all our sakes.

When I was told after lunch that my new apartment was ready for me to move in I had expected to spend a quiet evening packing my suitcase. I was therefore surprised when Yuuka grabbed me at knock off time and told me that we were going out drinking. It turned out that most of the people on my floor had gathered to welcome me officially to the agency and I was bought so many rounds that I quickly lost count, ending up nothing more than a puddle with a death grip on the low table, willing myself not to pass out drunk at my first work function.

“Ch- _hic_!-Chris,” Yuuka slurred, falling to her knees as she waved her half-drunk beer at me. “You’ve bin sentoos.” She was sliding in and out of focus, and I reached out to hold her steady.

“I’ve been what?” I asked as she hiccupped and tried again.

“Sent to. Us. _Kamisama kara, wakatta_?” There was still too many Yuuka’s and each one was frowning at me.

“Sent by…God?” I asked her stupidly, and she nodded emphatically.

“ _Yes_.” Her beer was sloshing in her glass and my eyes followed the splashing liquid to where it was spreading a stain on her skirt. “To save - _hic_ -! Hikaru,” she finished solemnly, and I felt myself nodding my agreement before everything went dark.


	3. Kakeru is No Longer Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: because somebody is being a huge baby I’m swapping to their preferred title, so welcome to Lost Souls. Are you happy now? (^_^);

Kakeru wa Mou Inai ~ Kakeru is No Longer Here ~ カケルはもういない

_2010_

“ _Kakeru_!” I whispered as loudly as I dared, peering down the shelves in the library as I searched for the dark-haired boy. I’d been held up at the meeting for ages, barely paying attention to the plans being explained for our trip to Kyoto tomorrow as I waited impatiently to be set free. Finally we had been told we could go home and I had raced to the library, but now I was worried that Kakeru had left without me.

It was with a wave of relief that I spotted him, quickly realising why he hadn’t responded to my calls. Slouched against the wall at the far end of the library with a book still open on his lap, Kakeru was dozing, head gently lolling as his hair fell into his eyes.

“Oi,” I crouched down next to him, reaching out to gently shake him awake. I watched his eyes flutter open, his face breaking into a smile as he recognised me.

“Christian.”

I turned to slide down the wall next to him as he sat up, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes, straightening out his legs and knocking the book off his lap in the process.

“Sorry that took so long,” I apologised, but he shook his head.

“That’s okay. I was happy reading,” he said with a smile that was all for me. 

I swallowed hard, my heart in my throat as I turned towards him, reaching over to brush his hair back, tucking the long strands behind his ear.

“I’m glad you waited,” I said, leaning just a fraction closer to him.

“I’m glad you came,” he replied, and I closed the distance between us, tilting my head to press our lips together. I could feel him relaxing as I took control of the kiss, my hand falling to rest on his shoulder as I pulled him gently towards me. Slowly, hesitantly, I let my lips part his, tongue just brushing at his lower lip as I asked for permission. Sighing as he melted into me I moved to straddle his thighs, bending my head to recapture his mouth as his hands travelled up my sides and caught at my shirt, tugging it free from my trousers.

“I can’t believe I’m leaving you for _three whole days_ ,” I complained in a murmur against his lips, and Kakeru chuckled before letting me kiss him again. “What’s so good about seeing Kyoto anyway?” I continued as arms snaked over my shoulders to pull me closer again. “Everything I care about is right here.” Heads bent low to press our foreheads together I heard Kakeru sigh happily. 

“Just have to make today count then, won’t we?” he replied, our mouths reconnecting with a lot more tongue, our previous kisses seeming almost chaste by comparison.

“Ah _hem_.”

The disapproving sound floated across the almost empty room, most likely emanating from the bored senior manning the returns desk and we sprang apart guiltily, grinning at each other when our eyes met.

The disembodied voice called across the empty library and Kakeru, laughing at her obvious annoyance, translated that the library was going to close soon and if we wanted to check anything out we should do it soon. I stood and offered a hand to pull Kakeru to his feet, straightening my shirt as he brushed off his own uniform.

“What d’ya reckon?” I asked, “See anything you’d like to take home with you?” His warm hand found mine again, fingers curling around mine as he hoisted his bag onto his shoulder.

“You know I do.”

The senior glared at us as we emerged from the stacks, her cranky face intensifying when Kakeru blew her a kiss as we passed by the desk. Laughing, we ran the rest of the way, Kakeru quickly taking the lead as he pulled me down the corridor by our joined hands.

## #

_2017_

Waking up on Saturday morning felt like a punishment. The arm I raised to try and rub the grit from my eyes felt leaden and for a moment I just lay still in the bed, trying to piece together what had happened last night.

“Nice of you to join us.”

A bored-sounding voice greeted me and I frowned, letting my head turn on the pillow to take in the other occupant of the room. As my bleary eyes adjusted, I realised that my boss was sitting casually at the end of my bed, dressed in a silk robe that fell open at the front revealing an awful lot of naked chest as he watched me with cool amusement.

“What? How?” Suddenly I was wide awake, scrambling to pull the sheet higher to cover everything, because I was mostly naked under the sheet. A quick check confirmed my suspicions; somehow I was sleeping in only my underwear and wherever I was, it wasn’t my hotel room. “Where am I?” I settled for asking, glaring at Hikaru as he shrugged easily.

“My apartment. Don’t you remember calling me last night?”

I frowned as I struggled to remember the events of my raucous welcoming party.

“No,” I told him honestly, sinking back into the pillows as my eyes drifted closed again. “I don’t remember anything after the karaoke.” I peeked at him through my lowered lashes, but his gaze had drifted away from me.

“That so?” he said, sounding very much like he didn’t believe me. He had his legs crossed, kicking one foot lazily in the air. “Well, you did. Call me, I mean,” he clarified, turning a wry grin on me. “I must say I was surprised. I’ve never had an assistant phone me at 3am on a Saturday morning, but I answered anyway.” His obvious glee was filling me with dread but I had to ask.

“So what did I want?”

He narrowed his eyes, foot sliding to the floor as he angled to lean closer. I averted my eyes as his robe gaped, giving me a perfect view of his chiselled abs.

“Let’s talk about Kakeru.”

I felt my blood chill in my veins as I fought to keep my face neutral. Hearing that name fall from his lips was causing me more pain than I had thought possible.

“Who?” It was hard but I forced myself to keep talking. “I don’t know anyone by that name.”

He cocked an eyebrow at me, unimpressed with my answer.

“I think you’re lying,” he said with an air of nonchalance, and I winced as he sprung up from the bed.

“You want to know why you called me, _Ku~ ri~ su~_?” he asked, dragging out the syllables of my name as I waited.

“You were upset you had to look at me. At Kakeru’s face.” He frowned down at me, clearly recalling the conversation as he repeated the chilling words. I couldn’t meet his gaze but he was walking into my field of vision anyway, coming closer and invading my space as I tried to make myself as small as possible. “You were clearly wasted, so when Yuuka took the phone off you I told her I’d come pick you up. And here you are.” He had come around the bed to sit on the other side, closer this time, and I was having difficulty arching away to avoid accidently touching him.

“Although I probably should have left you there,” he said, lip curling in distaste as he added, “you tried to kiss me.”

I felt my face flush and it was a war between anger and embarrassment.

“I apologise for my actions while inebriated. It won’t happen again.” I glared at him silently for a moment before adding, in a slightly less confident tone, “Where are my clothes?” He indicated across the room with his chin, and turning to look I could see a collection of clothes neatly folded on the chair by the bed. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it, Chris- _chan_.”

I dragged my eyes back to him at the way he said my name. I was used to suffixes, having been a student of Japanese for the best part of six years. It wasn’t the suffix so much as the way it sounded coming from him that bothered me. 

“I’d rather you didn’t call me that.” We locked eyes and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me, but all he did was lean closer until we were just centimetres apart.

“I’d rather my assistant didn’t embarrass me in front of agency staff, _Chris-chan.”_ I had moved back as far as I could but my head bumped into the wall. With my heart in my throat I waited to see if he would close the last distance between us but to my relief he blinked slowly at me before retreating. “The trains are running again. Get dressed and I’ll point you towards the station.”

I watched him leave, waiting for him to pull the door shut behind him before I moved. As soon as I was alone again I scrambled over the bed, nearly crashing to the ground as my feet tangled in the bedcovers in my desperate attempt to reach my clothes.

I pulled my shirt on first, doing just the bare minimum of buttons to keep it closed before I pulled my trousers on. I had no idea how my clothes had been removed last night, and as I finished buttoning my shirt I bit my lip, hoping that I had undressed myself but accepting that it was far more likely given how black-out drunk I had clearly been that Hikaru had undressed me. If that was the case, I worried under what circumstances that had occurred. I gripped my wrist tightly, fighting down the panic gripping my chest.

He had said I tried to kiss him. And I had talked about Kakeru. I quickly grabbed my socks and stuffed them into my pocket along with my wallet, phone and keys. Hopefully my boss wasn’t going to hold this against me in the future.

## #

After a brief but awkward exchange I had taken my leave, sliding my sockless feet into my work shoes and hurrying to the elevator that would take me away from floor 8, Hikaru, and the mystery of what had happened to me last night.

Hikaru’s instructions had been clear and I quickly found the right platform to catch the train back to my hotel. I stopped only for coffee and a doughnut drenched in sugar before I hurried through my hotel lobby, head down as I tried to ignore the stares at my clearly rumpled clothes.

Alone in my room at last, I collapsed on the bed and let out the sigh that held all my frustration at being hungover, exhausted and confused. But I didn’t have time to rest. It was already nearly 9am and I needed to be packed and checked out in an hour.

After the world’s speediest shower and a very thorough tooth-brushing I hurriedly crammed my belongings back into my suitcase and made my way down to the lobby.

I had intended to catch the train to my new apartment, but that was before I had done the walk of shame with a hangover from hell. My new plan involved hailing a taxi from the hotel entrance and moving as little as possible until it delivered me to my new address.

I showed the driver the complicated street address on my phone that Yuuka had emailed me yesterday and closed my eyes as I tried to fight down the wave of sickness that hit me as we surged through the city. Eventually we came to a stop and I paid the driver, remembering too late that Japan included Service Tax in everything and that my insistence that the driver keep the change was causing him monumental confusion. I felt like an idiot as I apologised, stuffing the returned handful of notes and coins into my pocket as I clambered out onto the footpath. 

Once again in possession of my suitcase, I looked up at the building and fought down the wave of nausea that threatened to wipe me out. The building looked worryingly familiar, but it wasn’t until I was through the doors and standing in front of the elevators that I truly began to panic. Because I had just been here, hadn’t I?

A bright _ding_! heralded the arrival of the elevator and I swayed back as the doors slid open, revealing a highly amused face that I was beginning to dread.

“Welcome back,” Hikaru said as I stared at him in shock. “Going up?”

I looked back down at my phone, reading my apartment floor number with increasing dread.

With a sigh I stepped into the elevator, ignoring him as I pulled my suitcase roughly after me. Jabbing a finger at the panel I selected floor 8 and we rode in silence, although I could see in the mirrored reflection that Hikaru seemed greatly amused by my obvious surprise.

As soon as the elevator stopped at our floor, I hurried through the opening doors, my suitcase catching as I wrenched it out after me. I stalked the familiar corridor, horror mounting with every step as I came to stand outside my door, watching from the corner of my eye as Hikaru strode past me to stop at the next door down the corridor.

“I’ll see you around, neighbour,” he called before unlocking the door to his apartment, and I swear I heard him chuckle as I butted my head against the door.

 


	4. Remembering is Bittersweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a culture note: if you’ve never heard of a hyaku-en (100 yen) shop they are fantastic. All items are either 108 or 105 yen, depending on how they are taxed. The big chains buy in bulk so they can afford to sell things cheaply and the quality is higher than you’d expect. Some also carry lines for 500 yen for bigger items. The biggest chains are Daiso, Candu and Seria and they are everywhere and a godsend for poor students and graduates.

Omoi de Horonigai ~ Remembering is Bittersweet ~ 思い出ほろ苦い

This is more of a culture note: if you’ve never heard of a hyaku-en (100 yen) shop they are _fantastic_. All items are either 108 or 105 yen, depending on how they are taxed. The big chains buy in bulk so they can afford to sell things cheaply and the quality is higher than you’d expect. Some also carry lines for 500 yen for bigger items. The biggest chains are Daiso, Candu and Seria and they are _everywhere_ and a godsend for poor students and graduates. 

 

An uninterrupted eight hours sleep had done wonders for my perspective. I had managed to escape the building, buy dinner at a nearby convenience store and return to my room all completely undetected, so I was starting to feel better about my housing situation.  Just being neighbours wasn’t the end of the world; I would be catching trains to and from work after all and I knew that Hikaru used taxis every day. I would just ignore him outside of work. _Like I intended to do anyway_ , I reminded myself sternly.  

I was thrilled that the apartment was fully furnished and I didn’t have to worry about things like buying a bed or a sofa or a dining table, but I vowed that tomorrow I would do some responsible adult things like buy crockery and groceries to fill the tiny bar-sized fridge. Despite sleeping for the majority of the day I still felt exhausted, so I switched off all the lights and collapsed back into bed gratefully.

## #

I was already awake when my alarm rang. I had dreamt of Kakeru again. My brain seemed to be dredging up all my most precious memories, reminding me nightly of the most tremendous loss of my young life. After silencing my alarm I turned to press my face into the pillow, trying to block out the memories that were coming unbidden now.

The months after my brief trip to Japan as a year ten student had been filled with daily messages back and forth with Kakeru. He planned to come visit me on the school trip next year, I had promised to return on the school trip in 2012, and I had decided that after I graduated I would move to Japan to work. There was supposed to be so much more time for us, but that had all changed in March of 2011.

I could still remember the moment I first heard the news that Sendai was underwater, an earthquake and the resulting tsunami destroying amongst many other things the school I had visited, killing thousands and displacing many more. I had tried to call Kakeru immediately for reassurance that he was okay, but as hours turned to days, then days to weeks with no answer I lost hope that he was counted among the survivors.  

Under the sheet I moved to grip my wrist, fingers tightening over the scar that marred my skin, the only physical reminder of the event that had seen me spend almost an entire semester recovering in an institution.

Grief counselling had been a waste of everyone’s time. I didn’t want to let Kakeru _go_. When I had eventually returned to school it was with new determination to make my own way to Japan. I knew that until I had fulfilled my promise to see him again I wouldn’t truly be able to move on. So I worked hard, keeping my head down and taking extra classes to catch up on all that I had missed. In the end I was able to graduate on time despite my absence and four long years after that I had graduated from Uni with a degree and a determination to move to Japan.  

_And here I am_ , I thought, screwing my eyes shut to stem the tears that didn’t seem to be stopping, already soaking into the pillowcase and causing the fabric to stick to my cheek. I was here, finally. I had promised Kakeru I would come back and now I had. The last six years had all been to bring me to this point but now that I was here, I was at a loss.

“What do I do now?” I cried into my pillow. Taking a deep breath, I choked back my tears and pushed away the covers. I had questioned what I should do but really I knew what needed to be done. I needed to find Kakeru. There would be some memorial somewhere, some place that marked that he had lived and I needed to go there.

This thought was interrupted by the sound of my doorbell, and I cast a look at my closed bedroom door. It was early. It was Sunday. I didn’t know anybody in Tokyo apart from my colleagues and of those I only knew of one who lived close by.

Narrowing my eyes I slid out of bed I cast a glance over the shirt and boxer shorts I had slept in. If it was Hikaru out there then this was as dressed up as I needed to be.

The bell rang again as I moved through my apartment, and I took a moment at the door to confirm that it was his smarmy face through the peephole before I unlocked the door and flung it open.

“ _What_?” I demanded rudely, hissing the word as I darted a glance down the corridor.

“Well good morning to you, too, Sunshine,” he smirked at me, brushing past me as I stared after him in shock. He had toed off his shoes in the entrance before stepping up into the living room. “I’m taking you out for breakfast. Hurry up and get dressed,” he ordered before throwing himself on to the sofa to wait for me.

I closed the door silently and turned back to regard him coolly.

“That won’t be necessary, and I have a lot to get done today so if you will kindly excuse me...” I trailed off: he was flat out ignoring me, inspecting his nails as one foot tapped irritably.

“Look, you’re working for me now and I want to know who you are, so will you put something decent on so we can eat; I’m starving.”

I couldn’t help the eye roll at his attitude. Yuuka had said that this was a recent behaviour change for him, and I couldn’t help but wish that I could have met the Hikaru from six months ago, because the present version was getting on my last nerve.

“Fine,” I told him bluntly, returning to my room and changing into the first clothes I pulled from my suitcase.

“That’s hardly an improvement,” he scoffed when I returned to the living room. “Do you own anything that isn’t wrinkled?” I saw his eyes fall to my wrist and I reflexively tucked it behind my back. “Or long sleeved?”

“No,” I answered him shortly, tucking my wallet into my back pocket and reaching for my keys.

“Are we going or not?” I stomped flat-footed over to the door, pulling my shoes on and tapping my toes against the edge of the raised floor to adjust them. Behind me I heard Hikaru climb to his feet and follow me to the door.

I was grateful that he didn’t try to force conversation as we took the elevator down, emerging to the street below in silence. I followed his lead as he turned in the direction I remembered the station being from yesterday, and soon we were sitting in a café, tucked away in the corner and waiting for our orders.

“So what happened?” Hikaru asked suddenly and I jumped, moving my wrist that I had been resting on the table and hiding it on my lap as I tried to avoid his gaze.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I lied, hoping that if I just refused to play along he would get the hint and leave it alone, but no such luck.

“I saw it yesterday, and I know what it _looks_ like. I’m asking you for your side of the story. So what happened?”

Despite my better judgement my eyes flicked up and caught his. He was watching me expectantly and I was seized with the urge to wipe the smug smirk off his face once and for all.

I held my arm out, pulling my sleeve up to expose the scar I tried most days not to look at.

“Failed suicide attempt circa twenty eleven. Much therapy was had. No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Hikaru whistled long and low, eyes tracing the ugly scar tissue until I tugged my sleeve back down.

“Why?” he asked as I tucked my arm back under the table. I shot an annoyed look at him as he leant forward, chin resting on his hand as he regarded me.

“Why did I try and _off myself_? That’s a pretty personal question, _Hikaru-san,_ ” I shot back, hoping that he would just let it drop. I had said I didn’t want to talk about it and it wasn’t to be dramatic; my time in the institution and the actions that led me there were memories I didn’t reflect on.

But Hikaru was shaking his head at me, and I waited for him to speak again.

“I meant, why didn’t you try again? When you failed the first time?”

I stared at him open mouthed, unable to comprehend how someone could be so monumentally offensive. I snapped my jaw shut when a waitress appeared with our drinks and breakfast, arranging them on the small table between us before silently bowing and retreating back behind the counter.

I had no idea how to answer him, but that didn’t matter because even if I could I wouldn’t tell _him_.

“You are a horrible person,” I told him quietly, picking up my coffee and taking a sip.

“Please,” he waved off my comment dismissively, pulling his own mug towards him and ripping open two sugar packets at once, upending them and stirring the liquid so vigorously it spilled on the tablecloth. “You’re no better than me, so get off your high horse.”

Well that was just genuinely confusing. I watched him start on his breakfast as I continued to sip at my hot drink. As far as I knew I had lived a fairly blameless life. Whatever Hikaru thought he knew about me had clearly rubbed him the wrong way, but there wasn’t much I could do about that.

I shrugged to myself, resolving to ignore him. My new boss didn’t like me; this was not the end of the world. Eventually he would get sick of having me around and I would be reassigned to someone else at the agency. Life would go on.

I risked a glance back up and was struck again by the similarity that had floored me on our first meeting. Hikaru really did more than resemble Kakeru. A grown up version, sure. I had changed since my high school days too, there was no doubt about that. It seemed like the cruellest twist of fate that I should end up stuck with Hikaru the Temperamental Bastard as a boss when he wore the face of the only person I had ever loved.

Hikaru’s attempt to be civil, or to “get to know me”, as he had put it, was short-lived and fruitless. We had finished our meals in silence, left the café in silence, and now we were standing outside and we still had not exchanged another word.

“Well I have things I need to do, so…” I began, reluctant to meet his gaze as he turned to face me. “Thanks for breakfast,” I finished, my tone coming out more gruffly than I had intended and when he failed to respond I turned away. I refused to look back, but I had the unsettling feeling that he was watching me as I walked to the street corner, crossing the street and disappearing into the department store that I hoped contained a hundred yen shop.

My search was successful, and I returned to my apartment an hour later armed with a frying pan, plates, bowls, utensils and a multitude of other household essentials that had set me back barely fifty Australian dollars.

I dropped the bags on the floor to extract my keys, jiggling it in the lock before the door would open and let me in, ducking inside and locking the door behind me before I could be caught loitering in the hall way.

My phone lit up as I deposited my things in the kitchen, and I read the messages I had missed while out this morning. There was one from Yuuka, another from Nao-chan and a third from another colleague I vaguely remembered meeting on Friday, all checking how I pulled up after Friday night. I sent replies assuring everyone that I was fine and I’d see them all tomorrow at work when a new message came through.

I read it silently, eyes narrowing at the unknown number. All it said was “Come over immediately”.

I raised my eyes to the wall I shared with my boss. He had no right to order me around outside of work hours, and I had half a mind to just ignore him altogether, but curiosity got the better of me and I found myself outside his door, ringing the bell and rehearsing a speech that basically boiled down to “do not talk to me on the weekends”.

The door opened quicker than I expected; Hikaru had clearly been waiting for me.

“Come in,” he stood back for me to pass him, but I held back.

“I don’t need to come in. What do you want?” I asked rudely, arms crossed as I waited in the hall. I honestly didn’t expect him to grab my shoulder, knocking me off balance as he pulled me over the threshold.

My arms had shot out when I started to fall, and I was mortified that I had fallen against Hikaru, my taller frame bumping against him as he put out his hands to break my fall. I could feel the heat from his hands where they were pressed against my chest and his hair brushed against my jaw. In the few seconds it took for me to regain my composure Hikaru had stepped around me, pushing the door closed and trapping me in his apartment.

“Hey, what’s the big idea—“ I tried to turn around to open the door again, but a hand closed around my wrist and pinned it to the door.

“Why did you try to kill yourself, Chris-chan?” he asked, eyes flashing as I easily pulled my wrist free. Hikaru must have been drinking; he wasn’t unsteady but there had been no strength in his grip and on closer inspection I could see the tell-tale sign of bloodshot eyes, the scent of something sweet and alcoholic on his breath.

“None of your business,” I hissed back, pressing back against the door as he poked me in the chest.

“Feeling guilty about something in twenty eleven, were you?” he asked, gaze holding mine briefly before he huffed out a sigh, blowing his long fringe out of his eyes. “Betrayed someone, perhaps?”

“You know what? Fuck you.” I had had enough. “I don’t owe you anything.”

“So why did you come back?”

“Because I promis—“ I had started to answer automatically but as I did the question started to seem odd. “…Hikaru-san?” To my utter horror my boss, while still glowering at me, was doing so now with tears glittering in his eyes.

“Get out.” His voice was low, quiet, and there was an edge to it that I didn’t like. I turned and reached for the door handle, bursting into the corridor and fleeing back to the safety of my room.

After locking my door, I kicked off my shoes and went straight to my bedroom, falling face-first onto the bed as I tried not to think about Hikaru crying in the apartment next door.


	5. This is a Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language notes:  
> Izakaya: can be hole-in-the-wall shops, larger restaurants or pop-up stalls. The point of an izakaya isn’t to eat: you go there to drink, but there are delicious snacks to keep you going until the last train. The word itself literally means “exist”, “alcohol” and “shop” and is often translated as a bar or pub - 居酒屋  
> Ne, Kurisu – Hey, Chris - ね、 クリス  
> Omae, ii hito da ne – You’re a good person (Omae is an extremely casual way to call someone “you”) - お前良い人だね

Chapter 5: Kore wa Misu desu ~ This is a Mistake ~これはミスです

 

                   

I had dreaded the thought of going to work on Monday, but to my surprise Hikaru was at his least hostile since I had commenced last week. He was still cold and standoffish, disregarding me half the time and barking orders for the rest, but I felt no anger from him like I had witnessed yesterday, and the incident was being tacitly ignored by the both of us.   

I was grateful for the attitude change, as I was now spending the majority of my work day in Hikaru’s presence. When I wasn’t needed I returned to my desk but often I was required to follow Hikaru around on assignments, attend photo shoots and basically fetch and carry for him all day. It was exhausting but at least the days were passing quickly, and I was so tired at the end of each that I was sleeping deeply, less bothered by the dreams that had plagued me last week.

As my second Friday was drawing to a close I checked my phone to find a message from Nao-chan. A bunch of PAs were gathering together for a drink-and-vent session at a nearby izakaya and I was keen to accept her invitation. I had just sent my reply when Hikaru commanded my attention, ordering me to call a taxi for him to return home.

“Yes, _Hikaru-dono,_ ” I muttered under my breath with a heavy dose of sarcasm that earned me a frown when it reached Hikaru’s ears. Blushing at being caught, I turned away as I quickly ordered a taxi as requested. By the time I turned back he was already changed into his street clothes and lounging on the sofa as I stood stiffly by the door.

“Your taxi will be here in fifteen minutes,” I told him, confirming the time on my phone just as a reply flashed up from Nao. “I’m meeting some people for drinks so I’ll see you on Monday.” I ducked my head in a brief bow, catching a glimpse of his face as I straightened up again.

“Who are you going with?” he asked, catching me off guard as I turned to leave.

“Nao-chan and some other PAs.” I figured there was no harm in telling him that much, although it was none of his business who I associated with outside of work hours.

“Hmm,” he hummed, turning to look at me, but it was hard to tell what he was thinking by the expression on his face. “You spend a lot of time with Nao-chan,” he observed, and I tucked my phone back in my pocket as I prepared to leave, shrugging my shoulders as I did.

“I guess so. She’s a good friend.”

“I think you must like her.” I knew what he was implying, but I was too happy to almost be free to rise to his bait.

“Sure, she’s been a great help to me. And she’s really nice, unlike _some_ people.”

To my utter surprise, Hikaru actually laughed, and I felt my heart clench painfully as for a moment I saw Kakeru, the look on his face instantly brought back memories of hiding in libraries after school, sneaking behind the gym and other stolen moments.

Collecting myself, I forced myself to turn around and leave, but I hesitated with my hand on the doorknob.

“Hikaru-san,” I began, not quite sure what I wanted to say but knowing that I had to say something. Behind me my boss had fallen silent, waiting expectantly for me to continue but I shook my head, changing my mind at the last second. “I’ll see you later.” I yanked the door open and left, forcing myself not to run as I practically fled from the building.

## #

“To Chris-kun, who survived another week!”

I grinned as Nao-chan proposed yet another toast, raising my glass and drinking deeply. She had been incredibly supportive this week, and was in the mood to celebrate herself as her newly assigned idol was practically a saint after her three months in hell with Hikaru.

“So tell me, Chris,” Nao had come around the table to sink down next to me, her hand resting on my shoulder to steady herself as she placed her half-drunk beer on the table. “How’re you holding up with Princey?” I laughed the carefree laugh of the inebriated as she fell against me. I had reached out to steady her and when my hand sailed past her shoulder I realised I was probably more drunk than I thought I was. 

“He’s been alright,” I shrugged, taking another mouthful of my own drink as I considered the last week. “He’s better than before I think.” I frowned lightly as I recalled his parting words from earlier. “Just teasing now instead of being super moody all the time.” Nao nodded, turning to rest her elbows on the table as she slouched forward.

“I used to have a crush on him, y’know,” she confessed, and I almost choked on my next mouthful.

“Pffft! _Why_?” I asked incredulously, wiping the spilt beer clumsily with my palm while the rosy glow of her cheeks darkened as she as she waved off my reaction.

“Before I was assigned to him I was a fan,” she said, wrapping her hands around her glass as she lost herself in her memories. “He’s gorgeous of course. And then there’s the tragic backstory. I think everyone had a crush on Hikaru. You just wanted to fix him, y’know?” I nodded sceptically, not really sure if I believed that any amount of tragic backstory could make Hikaru lovable. “There’s just something about a broken heart that makes you want to be the one that puts it back together,” Nao said wistfully, and I couldn’t help but nod my agreement until it occurred to me that we were talking about _Hikaru_. 

“So what’s the big tragedy?” I asked her, expecting that some girl must have left him for another idol, maybe there was a scandal and his ratings dropped for a bit. I was surprised when she leaned closer to whisper to me.

“He was orphaned,” she confided, eyes flicking to the other members of our group as she huddled closer to whisper again. “I heard it from Yuuka who heard it from an idol he debuted with. He was only seventeen, but that’s not the worst part.”

My heart was thudding in my chest painfully, my breath caught in my throat as I nodded for her to continue.

“Yes?” I promoted as she collected herself, leaning on my shoulder as she blinked up at me slowly.

“Hikaru…artbroken,” Nao had slumped against me, glass skittering across the table as her dead weight pushed it aside.

“What? What about Hikaru?” I asked desperately, but it was no use. “Hey, Nao-chan,” I propped her up, giving her a gentle shake and watching her eyelids flutter. “Do you live close by? I can call you a taxi?” I offered, but her eyes had slid closed again, and I realised there was little hope of me getting much else out of her tonight.

I enquired with one of our seniors to find Nao’s address, but it was a distressingly far away. I realised that it was probably easier for me to let her crash at my place as it was quite close by and that way I wouldn’t be traversing the city in a taxi all night just making sure she got home safely. I communicated to the group that I was going to see Nao safely home and to a rousing cheer of support from our colleagues and with her arm firmly held around my neck I dragged her upright.

I was grateful she regained consciousness as a taxi pulled up as I didn’t want to explain to the driver why I was manhandling an unconscious woman into a cab. I tried to keep her talking as we drove back to my apartment, with varying degrees of success. She was awake enough to climb from the taxi and remain on her feet while I paid the driver, but as the car pulled away I ended up sweeping her up to carry her princess-style into the building.

“Ne, Chris,” she woke up enough to mumble as I fumbled with my keys. “Omae, ii hito da ne,” she told me, and I couldn’t help but smile as I helped her in, toeing off my shoes as she kicked her own heels off.

“Yeah, I’m a great guy. I’ll even let you borrow my room tonight,” I replied, carrying her through to the bedroom and laying her gently on the covers. “Sleep it off, I’ll see you in the morning, m’kay?” I heard a mumbled reply as I gently closed the door, returning to the living room and looking over at the sofa with a feeling of resigned acceptance. I was started from my thoughts when my doorbell rang, and without thought to the time or how unusual a caller at this hour was I pulled the door open, swaying unsteadily as I gripped it for support.

“Oh, it’s you.”

Hikaru stood, robe open over matching silk pyjamas and arms crossed over his chest in the hall. The look he was levelling at me was a cross between annoyance and disappointment.

“Do you have any idea how late it is?” he started, one eyebrow raised as I leaned more weight against the door, causing it to swing open wider.

“Late,” I replied, the most intelligent thing I could think of on the spot. I narrowed my eyes at him as he tapped his foot impatiently. “Were you waiting for me?” I asked, and he shuffled his feet, eyes darting away before they were back, piercing and pinning me to the spot.

“No, you woke me up when you came barging down the hallway. People are trying to sleep, you know.” His tone was stern but the words didn’t seem to carry any of his usual bite. A cough from the bedroom reached our ears and to my surprise Hikaru’s mask of indifference dropped to show a flash of annoyance.

“Interrupting, am I? I’ll leave you too it then,” he shot angrily; taking a step back as I reached out and grabbed a fistful of silk.

“Shh, it’s just Nao. She passed out and this was closer than her place.” I swayed closer and I felt two hands grip my upper arms as I fell against him.

“Bringing stray puppies home with you now?” he sneered, and suddenly I felt a surge of anger rising because I had had _enough_.

“Listen, you self-entitled little _brat_ ,” I spat, pushing his hands away and gripping the door to stay upright as I poked him in the chest. “I don’t care if you pick on me; I can take anything you dish out. But you need to _stop_ ,” my weak grip on the door failed, fingers sliding off the smooth surface and I found myself falling into the hall, my fall broken by Hikaru’s arms shooting out to catch me. “Stop being mean to everyone,” I finished lamely, running out of steam as I found my feet again. Hikaru was holding me upright, my arms around him as I grabbed fistfuls of his silken shirt, vaguely aware of a pounding heartbeat pressed against my chest.

As I swayed on the spot, I heard Hikaru click his tongue at me.

“You’re drunk,” he noted with displeasure. “Again,” he added, and I glared as I pushed back to stand upright, my height allowing me to look down on him.

“I don’t see what business it is of _yours, Hikaru-san_ ,” I pushed him back, swaying as the motion knocked me off balance for a moment. He stepped closer, eyes narrowed as he scowled up at me.

“It’s my business if my subordinate is constantly embarrassing me.”

I scoffed at him, waving a hand dismissively as I slumped back against the wall for support.

“Oh _please_ ,” I said, watching him through lowered eyelids. “You keep saying that but really you’re totally into me.” I knew no such thing but my compromised brain was making me voice a tentative theory. There were lingering looks that I had noticed, rumours at work that Hikaru’s manner had changed these last two weeks, and then there was the subject of my employment... If Hikaru really hated me so much, why hadn’t he asked for a different assistant?

My bluff had clearly paid off though. With eyes downcast to avoid my own, Hikaru shuffled his feet, suddenly appearing for the first time unsure. Pressing the advantage, I reached out to take hold of his shirt again, pulling him roughly towards me. With barely an inch between us I searched his eyes for a moment before closing the distance to capture his lips with mine. My eyes had drifted closed as he leaned into the kiss, and I felt his hands move to cup my face as his tongue swept into my mouth, tasting me as he pushed me back against the wall.

Another cough from the bedroom broke the spell. We parted, panting breaths filling the space between us as I noticed how affected Hikaru was by our kissing. The eyes that searched mine were dark, pupils blow wide with desire. Tenderly I reached up to touch his kiss-swollen lips lightly with my thumb and he sighed, eyes closing in pleasure as his body melted into me.

He was not the only one affected. Where our bodies met I could felt flashes of heat across my skin, and the tell-tale surge in my groin that was causing a tightening in my pants despite my after-work activities. I’d made my decision in a second, brushing my hand over my pocket to confirm the presence of my keys before I pulled Hikaru after me, closing my door and stumbling towards his apartment with his hand firmly held in mine.

 


	6. At First Sight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language notes:  
> Nanda? Ima isogashii desu kedo. – What? I’m busy right now.  
> Uhn. Ja, nijuppun gurai…haiiii…ja matta. – Yeah. Ok about 20mins…alright…k’ later

Chapter 6: Hatsu Mi de ~ At First Sight ~ 初見で

 

Hikaru wordlessly let us into his apartment and as we crossed the threshold I reached over to shut the door, pushing him back against it as I bent down to once more claim his mouth. Desperate to touch more of him, I pushed the robe from his shoulders, the fabric pooling in the crook of his arms as his own hands caressed me. He was kissing my neck, my collarbone, my shoulder, nimble fingers making quick work of my buttons as he exposed my chest. I tried to reciprocate, my fingers slow and clumsy by comparison but Hikaru wasn’t waiting for me, quickly undoing his own shirt and letting both it and the robe flutter to the floor. With his smooth chest exposed, I dropped my head to kiss down his neck, sinking lower to trail kisses as my hands held him still. On my knees before him I let my hands slide down his body to hold him by his hips, looking up at him for permission before taking the last step. His hands came to rest on my shoulders, head back and chest heaving. The hands on my shoulders were relaxed and he made no move to stop me as I hooked my fingers under the waistband of his pants and tugged them down low enough for his erection to spring free.

I touched him slowly, reverently stroking him as I brought my lips close enough to taste. Each press of my lips along his shaft brought soft gasps from above until I closed my lips around him, sucking him gently into my wet mouth. I felt fingers digging into my flesh and a moan tear from his throat as I greedily sucked. He was pliant in my hands, legs parting as he sunk against the wall and I slid my hand between his thighs to palm at the softest part of him, feeling him twitch in response to the gentle press of my thumb. I could taste his desire on my tongue. He was hard and heavy and leaking, one hand moving to tangle in my hair even as the other dug into my shoulder hard enough to leave half-moon crescents in my skin. I wanted more. I wanted him spread out for me and begging. With a final flick of my tongue I pulled off him, batting his hands away easily as I stood and swept him off his feet. On legs suddenly much steadier than his own I carried him to his bedroom, kicking the door shut behind us as I walked over and deposited him on the bed. His hair had come loose with my rough handling and it fell in waves as he propped himself up to watch me. I had quickly divested myself of my own clothing, climbing up after him and pulling the silk bottoms still caught around his thighs and throwing them across the room. Finally he was naked before me, pale skin glowing in the light of the single lamp by his bedside. For a moment we silently appraised each other, eyes raking over the other’s naked form before he twisted away to reach the drawer on the far side of the bed.

He returned with a clear tube, taking my hand and slapping it into my palm before laying back and parting his legs prettily for me. With a sigh of satisfaction I gripped the small tube in my palm, rearranging myself between his thighs as I opened the tube. I was biding my time, in no hurry now that we were exactly where I wanted to be, and Hikaru raised a foot, planting it firmly on my chest as I squeezed some of the clear gel onto my fingers.

“Hurry up,” he commanded, his tone haughty but the uneven waver in his voice betraying his desire. Smiling as I leant forward, his knee bending as I pressed against his foot, I reached between us to rub him with my slick fingers.

“You’re not the boss here, Hikaru.” My smile widened as I watched his emotions flicker over his face: first surprise, then hesitation before finally he closed his eyes, letting his head drop back to the mattress. The foot pushing against me relaxed, instead sliding up and over my shoulder, and I lifted his other leg to join the first as I pulled him further down the bed.

I watched his face as I pushed a single finger into him, his breath catching as he bit his lip. I wanted to suck at his bottom lip and feel the wet slide of his tongue as he kissed me back and I pushed forward, bending him in half as I kissed him again. His body was betraying him, so relaxed and open for me that I could already slide a second finger in with the first, and the sounds he made as he bucked onto my fingers went straight to my aching cock.

It wasn’t long before he was ready for me, soft and pliant around my fingers. He hadn’t provided me with a condom and I spared a glance towards the drawer that he had raided earlier but before I could voice the question Hikaru was sliding his legs free, pushing me away and trying vainly to wrestle me to the mattress. I let him push me down, watching as he retrieved the lube and slicked my cock, his dainty fist pumping it quickly before he straddled my thighs. My hands gripped his hips as he lined himself up, and as he impaled himself the sigh that fell from his lips made my breath hitch in my chest. I let him set the pace as he slowly fucked himself on my cock, head thrown back as his long hair tumbled over his shoulders and down his back. He was a vision of perfection, seemingly fragile but at the same time exuding an inner strength that was blurring the lines between memory and reality.

“You’re beautiful, Hikaru-san.” The words had slipped unbidden from my lips, my brain compromised by the overwhelming feeling of being buried in him. To my surprise his eyes narrowed at my praise and he met my upward thrust, grinding his hips into me as he leaned forward to glare.

“Shut up and fuck me,” he demanded, and I wrapped my arms around his back, holding him firmly as I flipped us over. The flash of surprise on his face was rewarding as I indulged his request, his legs locking around my lower back as I fucked him into the mattress.

With my hands braced to hold my weight I was unable to touch him but I could feel his erection slapping against my belly, slick and heavy with desire as he clung to me. I could feel my release building, and suddenly I felt Hikaru grip me tighter as he cried out, fingernails digging into my shoulder blades as his walls fluttered around my cock and hot spurts decorated my chest. The sensations tipped me over the edge, causing me to gasp as my hips stuttered, pounding my release into him before I collapsed, weak and satisfied and utterly spent.

## #

_2010_

I tugged my earphones free as the train pulled into the station, no longer needing the excuse to ignore the chatter of my fellow students.

After three days of touring the sights of Kyoto, Osaka and Nara we had finally returned to Miyagi and I was impatient to see Kakeru again. I was waiting by the doors as they opened and one of the first to disembark, annoyed when the voice of our accompanying teacher called for me to wait for everybody. I pulled my phone out as I tapped my foot impatiently, my classmates slowly filtering out and gathering in the middle of the platform as commuters surged around us towards the exits.

I had been messaging Kakeru to update him on our arrival time and the last message had come through less than ten minutes ago that he would find me at the station. I had opened the message to quickly reply that I had arrived when I felt a hand slide around my waist, and I turned and grinned at Kakeru before tucking my phone back in my pocket.

“My ride is here so I’m going ahead,” I told the teacher, ignoring the look I was getting behind her back from my friend Celeste as she mouthed the word “ride”, a ridiculous grin plastered on her face.

“Okay Christian, you’re good to go,” she told me distractedly, and I winked at Celeste before turning to Kakeru.

“I missed you,” I whispered, my hand finding his and wrapping around his fingers tightly as we pressed shoulder to shoulder, following the crowd to the escalators and the station above. I felt my heart thump in my chest as he squeezed my hand back before we were forced to let go of each other in the bright, open station.

Making straight for the exit our pace quickened as we stepped out onto the street and turned to walk the short distance to Kakeru’s house, which was not strictly where I was supposed to be going but what my teacher didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. No one was home when we arrived and I toed off my shoes in the entrance way before climbing the stairs to Kakeru’s room and collapsing on the bed. With my face buried in his pillow I inhaled deeply, letting the already familiar scent fill my nose as Kakeru climbed up next to me, fingers tracing lightly up my spine. I rolled over, enjoying the feel of Kakeru’s hands sliding over me as I settled on my back to look up at him.

“Lie with me?” I asked, making room for him as he curled up with me, head pillowed on my chest as I curled an arm around to hold him close. I held up my hand and he pressed his palm against it, our fingers fitting together as we just _touched_. 

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Kakeru said quietly, and I nodded my agreement.

“I should’ve thought of an excuse not to go,” I lamented, but he lifted his head to press a kiss to my lips.

“It’s alright. You came here to see Japan, not me.” I couldn’t help but grin, my lips not cooperating as I tried to kiss him back.

“That’s only because I didn’t know you before.” Rolling over so that he was trapped beneath me, I leant down to capture his lips more securely, a hum of pleasure rolling through me as I felt him relax, his lips parting to welcome the gentle sweep of my tongue. “The next time it will be just to see you.” Kakeru was pinned beneath me, a light flush across his cheeks and a smile playing on his kiss-swollen lips that sent the blood rushing straight to my groin. The last three days had been torture and as Kakeru bucked his hips, rubbing the bulge in his pants against me I moaned into his mouth.

“If you make me come in my pants again I’m gonna steal your uniform,” I growled, moving to kiss down his neck as his hands slid up under my shirt.

“You forget you have a bag of clothes this time,” he replied, eyes sparkling with mirth as he thumbed my nipple, smirking at the gasp that elicited.

“A bag of _dirty_ clothes, genius; I’ve been living out of it for three days.” My lips closed over his fluttering pulse, sucking gently on his neck as he arched his back under me. The piercing sound of Kakeru’s phone caused me to collapse on top of him, face pressed into his neck as he pulled his phone out and checked it.

“It’s Tohru,” he said with a sigh, and I rearranged myself more comfortably as Kakeru answered the call. “Nanda? Ima isogashii da kedo.” I couldn’t help but chuckle. My Japanese was rudimentary at best but the abrupt tone conveyed enough meaning. “Uhn. Ja, nijuppun gurai…haiiii…ja matta.” As he hung up I resumed my earlier actions, undoing his top buttons to expose his collarbone and the fading marks I had sucked into it earlier in the week. “Your host brother will be here in about twenty minutes,” he said with a sigh, his hands once again caressing lightly across my back as I pressed open mouthed kisses over the bruises.

“We don’t have much time then,” I murmured, pleased when he gripped me tighter as I added another bruise to the collection, “but we’ll manage.”

## #

_2017_

I lay perfectly still, eyes closed against the world as I tried to cling to what I now realised with crushing despair was only a memory. It had been so real. Of all the dreams I had seen since this new adventure began this was the most vivid and for a few precious moments I had believed on waking that I was still sixteen and in bed with Kakeru.

But as consciousness flooded back to me I knew that I was not sixteen anymore, I was twenty three. And Kakeru was not only not in bed with me, but lost to me forever. Blinking my eyes open blearily I took in the shape of a lamp, wondering idly where it had come from and thinking it was vaguely familiar before realisation hit me like a brick.

I sat up quickly, the throbbing in my head making me wince as I noted that I was once again waking up in Hikaru’s apartment, only this time I was completely naked. I appeared to be alone and I cautiously slid to the edge of the bed, sheet pulled tight around my waist to preserve my modesty should the owner of said bed and sheets suddenly appear. My clothing was in an unceremonious pile on the floor and I picked up my shirt gingerly, giving it a shake and a sniff before shrugging and pulling it on anyway. My trousers got the same treatment and now that I was at least covered if not presentable I edged open the bedroom door. From the doorway I could see that Hikaru was asleep on the sofa, and I patted my pocket to check for my keys, breathing a sigh of relief as I registered their comforting weight. As quietly as I could, I tip toed across the living room, pausing to look down at Hikaru’s sleeping face. Wrapped up in his robe and with a blanket draped over his legs, he didn’t exactly look comfortable. But his face, normally twisted with emotion, was relaxed and open. Before I had really registered what I was doing I had reached down to brush his long fringe out of his eyes, my fingertips ghosting over his temple as he slept on unaware.

Against my better judgment I rearranged his blanket, pulling it up where it had pooled at his waist so that it covered him up to his chin. Leaning back to admire my work, I felt a warm rush of affection before he stirred in his sleep, face turning into the hand he had pillowed under his head. Hardly daring to breathe lest I wake him I backed away slowly, returning to my own apartment hungover, tired and very, very confused.

 


	7. The Problem is Hikaru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, I need help. I’ve written so much but the pacing is killing me. How do you plot??
> 
> Language notes:  
> yukata - a cotton kimono, so called because its what you wear (kata) after a bath (yu) - 浴衣  
> ikebana - Japanese flower arrangement - 生花
> 
> And for Christian's host brother's name i have romanized it as "Tohru" for ease of pronunciation. The kanji is 徹 and in hiragana it would be とおる.

Chapter 7: Mondai wa Hikaru-sama ~ The Problem is Hikaru ~ 問題は光様

 

After washing my face and examining myself in the mirror I decided that nothing was going to fix my red eyes like another hours sleep. I had barely shut my eyes, curled up on my own sofa when I heard my bedroom door creak open and a very apologetic Nao-chan appeared. I brushed off her concerns, assuring her that I slept fine on the sofa and apologising myself for bringing her here in the first place.

“Its fine,” she reassured me, moving about the kitchen to make good on her offer to make us tea. “I don’t mind at all. In fact, I think that was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time.” I relaxed at her assurances; confident that we had bonded sufficiently that she would be comfortable telling me if she thought I had crossed a line. We sat at the tiny kitchen table, sipping green tea and debating if it was worth going out for breakfast, or if we should go back to sleep until lunchtime and try to face the world then. In the end, we decided that we were responsible adults and as such we would go and have breakfast at the reasonable hour it was. I begged fifteen minutes to shower and change and I was just redressing in my room when the sound of my doorbell ringing sent a chill down my spine. Nao must have answered it because I could hear voices and I wrenched open my bedroom door to see Hikaru looming in the doorway as Nao explained that we were just about to go for breakfast and would he like to join us?

I stepped up behind Nao and slipped my shoes on, casting a glance over at Hikaru as he replied snippily, “Thanks, but I’ll pass.” His eyes had locked on mine and in an instant I flashed back to the last time we had stood here. Memories of lips, hands, and _oh shit I drunkenly kissed my boss last night._ I realised it in a rush and as Hikaru levelled a glare at me I started nodding, hoping that my agreement was an expected response to whatever he was saying now because I had just remembered _holy shit, I slept with my boss last night_.

“Okay, thank you, we’ll see you Monday!” I exclaimed, leaping forward to shut the door in his face as Nao gaped at me.

“Chris! What the- _mpfh_!” I slapped a hand over her mouth, cutting her off as memories of last night came flooding back to me. I wasn’t holding her with any force and Nao easily slid my hand from her face, taking in my wide-eyed expression of horror. “Come sit down a sec,” she urged, pulling me firmly towards the sofa and I collapsed gratefully onto it, face down in the plush upholstery as Nao tapped her foot. “So that was weird. What the hell happened just now?” she asked as I turned to look up at her. Nao had her hands on her hips but there was no venom in her words. I shifted until I was lying on my back, hands covering my face as I moaned.

“Something awful! God, I’m never drinking again!”

“Calm down, it can’t be that bad,” she said reasonably and I dropped my hands, biting my lip as I considered the pleasure of proving her wrong by outlining just exactly how bad it really was compared to the utter mortification of confessing that I had fucked my boss last night.

On balance, I decided I had better keep this my own dirty, sordid secret.

“I may have said some things last night that in the light of day I’d rather take back,” I told her, realising that after my dramatic reaction I’d need to tell her something, and that me giving him a piece of my mind might explain Hikaru’s actions if he treated me differently in the future. Although he had turned up on my doorstep again. What was up with that? The last time it was to take me out for breakfast. Was that what he had come over for this morning? It was really unexpected, both last week and today. How Hikaru’s mind worked was a mystery to me.

After trying to assure me that it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be ( _“Honestly, we all drink way too much. I’m sure he’s forgotten all about it by now.”_ Somehow I didn’t think she was correct about that) Nao gathered her few belongings and we left the apartment together in search of food, although I made her check the hall first in case Hikaru was still lurking around.

“So what do you think Princey wanted with you this morning?” Nao asked before taking a bite of her blueberry muffin and fixing me with a level stare. I shrugged, pulling my coffee towards me to take a sip to buy some time while I tried to think of a good excuse.

“We do have an over-night shoot this week. Maybe he wanted to check the schedule.” I was relived I had recalled that as a convenient explanation, I just hoped she didn’t pry further because she was humming noncommittally.

“I guess so. But,” I jumped, looking up with a fixed smile as she continued. “He could have just emailed, or even called. Why’d he come over in person?” she mused to herself, pulling off a piece of muffin and popping it in her mouth as she chewed thoughtfully. Sitting up and banging her hand down on the table she suddenly exclaimed, “He must live in your building!”

I had jumped as she made the cutlery rattle, and nodded sheepishly as I confirmed her guess.

“Yes, I think he does. I’ve met him in the elevator before.” It wasn’t even a lie. I was thankful it hadn’t happened much since; I’d quickly developed a recurring paranoia of getting stuck in the elevator with Hikaru. I didn’t want to admit to Nao that Hikaru’s apartment was just next door to mine. My memories of the night before might have been patchy but I did clearly recall Nao admitting she had formerly had feelings for Hikaru. While it was unlikely that any affection for her former boss lingered I was still hesitant to share the information. There was a feeling of possession guiding my actions; a spark that I recognised with dismay as jealousy. 

Nao and I parted ways outside the café and instead of going home I followed the signs to a nearby park, hoping to avoid Hikaru and the consequences of my actions for a little while longer. It was a fool’s errand as the park was packed with people enjoying the sakura, and every couple nervously sharing a packed lunch and smiling blissfully as they gazed at each other was another turn of the knife in my heart.

Giving up on the park I decided that it was time I started my search for Kakeru. I had tried previously as much as I could manage from overseas, but I had not had any luck in finding Kakeru’s name in the lists of those affected by the disaster. My new plan was to search family records to locate the Tanizaki family grave. I had accepted years ago that Kakeru must be one of the hundreds of missing in the wake of the tsunami, but I was sure that if I could track down where his family was registered there would be a grave that would at least bear his name. I had promised Kakeru that I would come back to Japan to see him and the only thing that had pulled me out of my depression was the thought that if I was still alive then I could at least honour that promise.

Several hours later found me being politely ejected from the municipal office feeling frustrated and disheartened. Without a formal connection to Kakeru Tanizaki the officers had refused, although very civilly, to give me any information on Kakeru’s family. I was going to have to search closer to the source. Sighing to myself as I caught the train back to my apartment I realised I would have to make a trip north to Miyagi prefecture. I would just have to save up my precious vacation days and hope for better luck in Ishinomaki.

As I stepped out of the elevator on my floor I could hear someone knocking on a door. I slowed my footsteps and cautiously peered around the bend in the hallway in time to see Hikaru lower his fist, jaw set as he stared silently for a moment longer and then gave up. I waited as he disappeared further down the hall, listening for the final click of his door closing behind him before I tip-toed down the hall, holding my keys carefully to avoid making too much noise as I unlocked my door.

Once inside I heaved a sigh of relief that I had managed to avoid him, locking my door behind me and sinking onto the sofa as I wondered if the agency would be willing to move me to a different apartment. My phone, abandoned on the kitchen bench when I departed earlier that day already had half a dozen missed calls from Hikaru and on observing them I started to feel guilty. Perhaps I was being unfair by avoiding him when he clearly wanted to talk to me. I had no idea what his reaction to last night would be, and I couldn’t remember who had kissed who first, but I was at least sure that Hikaru had definitely wanted to continue. A vision of a naked Hikaru, eyes closed and riding me with abandon caused a familiar pull in my groin and I shook my head to get the image out. I needed to stop thinking about this.

I managed to distract myself until the evening by watching bad television and by the time the sun was setting I had ordered a pizza and decided after I ate I was going to shower and go straight to bed. It wasn’t until I was in the shower that my thoughts caught up to me and as I scrubbed my skin pink I couldn’t help but wish that it was Hikaru’s hand gripping the sponge, dragging it across my chest so that it pulled at my nipple. Imagining Hikaru pressed into the narrow space with me, naked body dripping with suds as I pushed his long hair out of the way to kiss his neck.

I was already hard by the time I let my hand drop to touch myself, my fist closing around my cock and letting the warm spray hit my back as I leaned against the wall. Now that I was no longer resisting them images of Hikaru came flooding back as I pumped myself, the tight feeling growing as a low moan slipped out. The soft noise echoed in the tiny bathroom, magnified by the tiles and feeding my desire as I pretended the sound had been a reply from Hikaru. I was bucking into my hand now, hips jerking as the pleasure lancing through me made my legs unsteady. I braced my arm against the tiles, my forehead pressing into the wall as I closed my eyes and finished with a cry that was much louder than I had intended. For a moment I stood still, just letting the shower hit me as I caught my breath and watched the evidence of my betrayal wash down the drain. I felt sick and after washing myself clean I shut off the water and stepped out in a cloud of steam.

Grateful for the fogged mirror I dried myself quickly, towelling my hair dry to avoid spending too long in the bathroom. I didn’t think I could stand to look at my reflection, not tonight. After a speedy tooth-brushing I threw my towel over the rail and retreated to my bedroom, only stopping to pull on a shirt that covered my scarred wrist before hiding under the covers and praying for sleep to take me quickly.  

## #

_2010_

The last twenty four hours had been a whirlwind and I was still reeling slightly from the shock of landing in a completely foreign culture. I had arrived late last night and all I had done so far was meet my host family, shower and sleep. I was at school now with my host brother Tohru and after he dropped me off with the rest of my classmates I sunk into a chair next to Celeste.

“Christian, hey,” she greeted me, sliding over and pulling up photos on her phone. “Check me out; my host mother dressed me in a Yukata last night.” I nodded appreciatively as she flicked through images of her posing in front of a hanging scroll and flashing peace signs with her host sister. I was glad that she was having fun already. Celeste wasn’t even studying Japanese like I was; she’d just tagged along because it sounded like fun. Our teacher soon turned up and gave us each a printout of our schedule for the day. We were going to be joining various classes and first up was English. I felt awkward as the teacher ushered our small group into the classroom, thirty pairs of eyes trained on us as we were made to introduce ourselves in our basic and badly pronounced Japanese. As I stepped forward and addressed the class my eyes roamed over the students and one in particular stood out to me. Whenever I looked at him he looked away, but I could see as I stepped back into line that when he thought I wasn’t looking he was watching me. He was cute, long fringe tumbling over one eye and a gold piercing glittering on his ear. As we were instructed to find seats I hoped that I would be seated near him but no such luck. I supressed the urge to groan when Celeste was sent to sit at the mystery boy’s table, and I was directed across the room instead.

It was torture watching Celeste sitting next to Mystery Boy, leaning closer to talk and making him smile. He looked up and caught me staring and I quickly turned back to my own table, trying to focus on the students I was supposed to be helping instead of uselessly pining. After forty minutes of answering student’s questions and just generally playing we were gathered up and taken to our next class. I threw one last lingering look over my shoulder as we were herded from the room and Celeste fell into step beside me, grinning widely.  

“What’s so funny, Leste?” I nudged her with an elbow, a bit harder than I might have otherwise but I was annoyed that she had got to spend the lesson talking to Mystery Boy while I was stuck with a group of giggling girls. The evil smirk on her face was worrying.  

“You’re not very subtle Christian,” she said, leaning closer to whisper conspiratorially as our group traversed the halls. “Wanna know his name?” she teased, and I gave her a playful push in the shoulder.  

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I replied airily, nose in the air as she laughed at me.

“Don’t worry dude; he’s way into you,” she said, linking arms with me as I shot her a look of surprise. “ _Seriously_. I just spent that whole time being interrogated.” We had arrived at our next classroom and before I could ask for details the teacher was directing us to line up at the worktables covered with florist foam and flowers. After a brief explanation of ikebana we were encouraged to try arranging the flowers ourselves in an asymmetrical way. Celeste and I were having little success although our attention was admittedly on things other than flower arranging. After her teasing statements I had demanded details and Celeste was relishing her position of power as she gave me further details.

“He asked about you really quickly, it was so adorable,” she gushed, stuffing a few flowers into her arrangement haphazardly. “His English is really good too, like the best in the whole class,” she added in a thoughtful voice, picking up another flower and trying to find a place for it. I frowned down at my own work and adjusted a stem backwards and forwards, trying to decide which angle best displayed the single bloom.

“Name?” I asked from the corner of my mouth, eyes down as the teacher swept past and grimaced at what Celeste was doing before moving on. Celeste leaned closer to whisper to me.

“Kakeru. He’s sixteen too,” she said, and I leaned closer as she continued. “He asked if you were dating anyone,” she said, blinking innocently as I held my breath in anticipation. “And I told him you were single and a slut for cute boys with long hair.” My knee banged the table as I jerked upright, making everything on our table jump. The class was turning to stare at us and Celeste was trying and failing to supress her laughter. After apologising sheepishly for the disturbance I glared down at the table, furiously hoping my face wasn’t as red as it felt. “I’m kidding,” Celeste told me with a soft punch to the shoulder to get my attention. “I said you were available and he was totally your type.” I breathed a sigh of relief, rubbing my shoulder and offering Celeste a small smile as she grinned at me. “Now thank your wingwoman.”

I plucked a flower from her arrangement and placed it in mine, unable to supress the grin spreading over my face. “Thank you, Celeste.”

 


	8. How to Tame Your Idol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language notes:  
> Shinkansen - the "bullet trains" high speed on magnetic rails, these travel more than 200km per hour and are probably the most convenient way to travel long distances in Japan - 新幹線  
> soba - noodles made from buckwheat flour - 蕎麦  
> sake - alcohol distilled from rice, but you already knew that right (^_~) sake can also just mean "alcohol" - 酒

Chapter 8: Aidoru wo Kitaeru Houhou~ How to Tame Your Idol ~ アイドルを鍛える方法

_2017_

I woke on Sunday morning with a hard on, a headache, and a crushing sense of guilt. I had managed to reason away my actions on Friday night that lead to my compromising situation involving my boss by convincing myself that it wouldn’t have happened if I had not been drunk, but last night I had been distressingly sober when I had acted on my desires. I had been trying very hard to ignore the fact that I was attracted to Hikaru, but it was becoming impossible to lie to myself. Rolling over in bed I reached for my phone, intending to check the time and decide based on the evidence whether it was worth getting out of bed yet. The glowing letters told me it was already past eight and so I reluctantly pulled back the covers and climbed to my feet.

Hikaru seemed to have given up trying to talk to me for now; there were no new messages on my phone since yesterday. I was relieved but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was just delaying the inevitable by avoiding him. We had slept together, and drunk or not that had definitely crossed a line. I would have to face up to it at some point. Or so I told myself, but I still managed to avoid Hikaru for the entire day. Yuuka invited me out for lunch and I spent a pleasant few hours in her company. We chatted about work and the upcoming trip to Aomori but also about more personal things, like my interest in Japan and what sort of things I wanted to do now that I was living here. I gave her a very abridged version of events, telling her I had been hooked on Japan since a school trip in high school but omitting Kakeru entirely. I didn’t want to lie to Yuuka but even after all this time it still hurt to talk about him. Instead I told her about the culture I had fallen in love with, explaining it had always been my intention to come and live in Japan once I graduated.

“You’ll love the shoot in Aomori,” Yuuka told me. “It’s to promote Hikaru’s new drama set in the warring states period.” She looked wistful for a moment, staring off into the middle distance. “Hikaru always looks dashing as a samurai.” I took a sip of my drink as I tried to school my face into what I hoped expressed polite interest, but was most likely betraying just how desperately I wanted to see Hikaru brandishing a katana. We parted soon after. I had walked Yuuka back to the station and we went our separate ways as I made the journey back to my apartment. With the thought in mind that we were going to have to spend more time in each other’s company this week with the upcoming trip I resolved that I would talk to Hikaru if he reached out to me again, and I was almost disappointed when I arrived at my door without running into him. I hesitated, considering ringing his doorbell to see if he was home but at the last minute I lost my nerve and I returned to my apartment, locking my door behind me and cursing myself for not being mature enough to have an adult conversation with my one night stand.

## #

If I had been annoyed with myself yesterday then I was positively angry today. It was almost lunchtime and Hikaru had been a nightmare all morning. From the moment I had greeted him at work he had been cold to me. Everyone had noticed and when word got back to Yuuka she came to see me to check what was wrong.

“Is everything alright Chris?” she hedged, and I heaved a sigh as I shrugged at her.

“I have no idea what his problem is,” I lied, fidgeting with the clipboard I was carrying as I tried to think of possible excuses for his behaviour. “Maybe last week was a reprieve; he seems to be treating me like he was before.” I was relieved when Yuuka nodded thoughtfully.

“That’s true, I wonder why though?” she looked at me, taking in my appearance as I fidgeted under her gaze.

“He just doesn’t like me,” I insisted, bending to tie the shoelace I had just noticed was trailing loose on the floor.

“But that’s what I don’t get; he specifically chose you.”

My fingers froze halfway through their motions as the meaning of her words penetrated.

“…what do you mean?” I managed to ask, quickly tying off the bow and straightening up as Yuuka continued absently, finger tapping her chin as she mused.

“Yeah, he looked through a pile of potentials, threw your application at me and said ‘him’.” She looked over at me, one eyebrow raised. “I asked out of curiosity but he just said he wanted to practice English with a native speaker, which is of course ridiculous,” she waved it off like the excuse it was, “Hikaru’s English is perfect.”

“Huh.” I couldn’t really add anything more intelligent to the discussion. Yuuka’s information that Hikaru had chosen me to be his assistant was a shock. I wondered what his motives were. My application had included a photograph, and it was clear that Hikaru was at least physically attracted to me, but was that all there was to this? Surely a popular idol like Hikaru had better options than an assistant whose face he liked but couldn’t otherwise stand to be around?

These thoughts were still swirling through my mind as I carried a bento up to Hikaru’s dressing room. I knocked tentatively, announcing myself before I opened the door with memories of last week and our heated exchange under these circumstances at the forefront of my mind. I was surprised to see Hikaru sitting on the sofa, dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt when I entered. The cross look he had bestowed on me all morning was gone, replaced instead by a soft expression that caused me to trip over my own feet on the way to the table.

“I’ve brought your lunch,” I explained needlessly as I placed the container on the table. Turning to leave again, I was surprised when Hikaru called for me to wait.

“You’re…coming to Aomori tomorrow right?” I was again surprised at the hesitance in his voice, and as I appraised him he looked so defenceless, huddled on the sofa hugging his knees to his chest.

“Of course. I’m accompanying you overnight.” I offered a hesitant smile, and when he returned it I felt my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. I fled before I could betray anything else by my conduct, returning to my desk and burying myself in the last-minute preparations for tomorrow.

Hikaru had smiled at me, and I would never admit it out loud but I had begun to think that if he did it more often, I was in serious danger of falling for him.

## #

I left work that afternoon filled with a sense of accomplishment. I had asked Yuuka to check over everything and she had praised me for a job well done. I had also met with the PA accompanying Hikaru’s co-star who seemed nice. It was surprising but I was actually looking forward to making this trip. I packed my bag in the evening, my stomach filling with butterflies every time I thought about how I would be waking up extra early tomorrow and travelling with Hikaru all the way to Aomori.

The next morning I woke quickly when my alarm went off, showering and dressing in less than twenty minutes. I didn’t waste time as I quickly packed up my toiletries and added them to my overnight bag. I turned off all the lights, finding my way to the door in the gloom and wrestling my bag into the hallway as I checked my pockets for my phone and wallet before locking the door behind me.

I swallowed nervously as I made my way to Hikaru’s apartment, ringing the bell and bouncing on my feet as I waited for him to appear. Almost a minute had passed and there was still no response from within. I rang the bell again, holding the button down a little longer this time before pulling my phone out to check the time. At least we weren’t running late yet, but it was with mounting worry that I knocked and called through the door.  

“Hikaru-san? Are you nearly ready to leave?” Finally I heard the sound of a lock turning and the door opened to reveal Hikaru, long hair dishevelled as he yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. My gaze travelled down his bare chest to the boxer shorts that were the only thing preserving his modesty before I manoeuvred him backwards, swinging my bag in after me and closing the door to the hall. “Hikaru-san, didn’t you set your alarm earlier today?” I chastised gently as I steered him over to the sofa.

A quick glance around the room revealed that he didn’t appear to be packed yet. Through the open door to the bedroom I could see a small suitcase on the floor with an explosion of clothes around it, but it appeared I was going to have to get my idol ready if we were going to make it on time.

“I’ll pack your suitcase, alright?” I began, turning back and realising that I still had my hands resting on his shoulders, and now he was lightly dozing again, weight resting against me as I leaned over him. “Hikaru-san?” I gently shook his shoulder but the relaxed look on his face told me clearly enough he was as good as asleep. “You are _hopeless_.” A puff of air blew my fringe up as I shook my head at him, but it was hard to be annoyed with him when he looked so cute. I guided him to the sofa, gently laying him down before retrieving a blanket from his room to drape over him. I quickly packed a few changes of clothes for him and threw some toiletries in his bag before zipping up the suitcase and moving back to the living room to decide what exactly I was going to do about sleeping beauty.

I liked his face when he was sleeping; it was soft and unguarded, and most importantly not glaring at me like I had personally offended him. It was dangerous though; it tugged at my heartstrings and it was with great resolve that I soaked a handtowel in cold water in the bathroom sink. Careful not to drip water all over the hardwood floor I carried it over to the sofa and unceremoniously dropped the wet cloth on Hikaru’s peacefully sleeping face. It was _super_ effective.

A piercing yell and flailing limbs greeted me as I ducked out of the way, flicking the water from my hands in his direction as a pair of flashing eyes glared from behind a curtain of now-damp hair.

“What the fuck!” he shouted at me, dabbing at his face with the blanket and scowling at me as I laughed.

“Good morning, Hikaru-san,” I replied in an even tone, standing to attention and playing the role of a dutiful assistant. “We’re going to be late so please dress quickly.” He shot me one last dirty look before he stood up, deliberately letting the blanket slide off him until he was standing practically naked in front of me again.

“You are the worst assistant ever,” he growled, stomping off to his bedroom and slamming the door behind him.

“You’re welcome!” I shouted back cheerfully.

## #

Despite our rocky start we did get to the agency on time. It didn’t take long to assemble in the carpark and soon we were departing for the station in a chain of taxis, and I somehow found myself travelling in the same vehicle as both Hikaru and his co-star, Reina Hoshikawa.

I was pleasantly surprised by Reina’s down-to-earth attitude and I ended up chatting with her most of the ride to the station. It wasn’t until we were boarding the shinkansen that would take us the rest of the way that I noticed Hikaru deliberately trying to split us up.

“Chris, I want the aisle seat.” Hikaru was pouting from his spot by the window, speaking up over me as I leaned into the space between our seats to show Reina our itinerary. I took a deep breath, handing the paper over to Reina to peruse as I obediently got up and switched seats with Hikaru. Now effectively stuck between Hikaru and the window I turned and gazed out at the scenery zooming by. Getting between us seemed to be his only motive as he didn’t bother me for the rest of the trip. He ate the breakfast bento I had brought for him without comment and the only other time he spoke to me was to ask the time. Soon enough we were approaching our stop and from the moment we alighted on the platform I was too busy to think too much about his intentions.

We had permission to shoot on the grounds of an old castle and a local crew had been hired in advance to assemble a popup dressing room on the lawn. Within an hour of our arrival Hikaru was emerging from the tent in full costume and as I caught sight of him I felt my breath catch in my throat. He was stunningly beautiful; his long hair was swept up in a not-very-era-appropriate ponytail but with twin swords slung at the waist of his hakama who really cared about historical accuracy? He caught me staring and my shock must have been evident because he winked at me before flouncing off to pose at the direction of the photographer. Reina was equally stunning and I had ample opportunity to observe them both as the director had me holding one of the light screens as the photographer snapped shot after shot.

 _I’m so glad I’m not an idol,_ I thought gratefully as I watched Reina’s assistant rush forward in a break to carefully dab the sweat from their brows. We had been shooting in the sun for almost three hours and if we didn’t break soon I was pretty sure my arms were going to fall off. My freedom was announced shortly after, with the set director calling that we would break for a late lunch and return in the evening to shoot under the illuminated sakura.

“Chris! Come and have lunch with us!” Sacchi, Reina’s assistant was calling over to me, waving to draw my attention to where she was standing with both Reina and Hikaru, already back in street clothes. I hesitated for a moment before jogging over to them. If Hikaru didn’t want to be around me he would say something, but I was starting to think that it might in fact be the opposite. The way Hikaru had been acting he seemed to want me around but couldn’t bring himself to invite me.

We spent a spirited lunch at a small family restaurant eating amazing soba and sneaking a few cheeky sakes each in the spirit of Feudal Japan.

“So what’s the show about?” I asked Reina, leaning closer to listen as she explained the plot was centred around a young woman who was disguised as a man to sneak into a rival clan.

“But she sees the young lord and immediately falls in love with him, and the lord realises that she’s a girl but not that she’s an enemy, and they start this secret relationship,” Reina explained breathlessly, hands clasped and eyes shiny as Sacchi sighed next to her.

“I don’t get what’s so romantic about a secret relationship,” I told them flatly, half expecting the exasperated looks they shot me. “What’s the point of being in love if you can’t be open about it?”

“I think it’s romantic,” Hikaru interjected softly, surprising us all. Reina was the first to recover and she gave him an encouraging smile.

“I agree,” she said, reaching up to touch her hair before realising with a grimace it was still tacky with product from the morning’s shoot.

“It must be nearly time to head back,” Sacchi offered, and with a glance at my phone I confirmed she was correct. I picked up the check but before I could stand Hikaru had grabbed it and was moving towards the register.

“Hikaru-san,” I called, pinching his sleeve to hold him back as I reached over and plucked the check back. “You need to keep a lower profile, we’ll still be here tomorrow after all and we don’t want a crowd gathering.” With a silent nod he accepted my explanation and I moved towards the register to pay for our lunches. I had an envelope of cash for our expenses plus some emergency cash, and when I returned to the group Sacchi slipped me a bundle of notes that covered her and Reina’s share of the bill.

 


	9. In the Middle of the Night

Chapter 9: Yoru no Naka de ~ In the Middle of the Night ~ 夜の中で

The evening shoot went even more smoothly than the afternoon. Without the glaring sun to deal with Hikaru and Reina could pose for longer and we managed to get ahead of schedule. I was in charge of shaking a branch of artificial sakura that caused a swirl of petals to be carried by the industrial fan and I couldn’t help but admire how good it all looked when we watched the footage back.

“That’s a wrap for today!” the set director called and the crew moved to start packing up the lights. Hikaru was standing off to the side of the monitors. He and Reina had just been checking the last shot and I moved closer in time to catch the last of their conversation.

“Are you sure? It’s still early,” Reina was saying, her hand resting lightly on Hikaru’s arm as they began to walk towards the makeup tent.

“I’m pretty wrecked; I’ll just have an early one tonight,” I heard him reply as Reina shrugged and went in before him. Hikaru turned and spotted me, a slow smile pulling at his lips as he caught me staring.

“What did you think of today? It was your first location shoot, right?” I nodded as I joined him.

“It was so cool. I never realised how much goes on behind the scenes.” Hikaru was still in full wardrobe and it was incredibly distracting. My eyes kept getting drawn to where his kimono was arranged to display a flash of chest. I needed to get away from him before I said or did something that betrayed my thoughts. “I just have to confirm what time we’re starting tomorrow, excuse me.” I dashed away, very conscious of the eyes following me as I located the director deep in conversation with the lead cameraman. Joining them, I checked our start time in the morning for the sake of show before thankfully spotting Sacchi. We killed time waiting for our idols while picking up the scattered fake blossoms that had been used in the last shots. Reina appeared surprisingly quickly and claimed Sacchi, inviting me to join them for a drink before returning to the hotel.

“Thanks, but I want to make sure Hikaru-san gets to the hotel safely.” Sacchi raised her eyebrows at me but I was relieved that Reina smiled kindly.

“Of course, you want to do your job properly. This is your first assignment away, isn’t it? You’re so professional I keep forgetting you’re still new to all this,” she said, I beamed at her praise, waving goodbye as they walked to the exit to find a taxi. With the thought that I would check to see how much longer Hikaru would be I headed back over to the tent.

Sweeping aside the curtain I peeked in and froze when I spotted Hikaru seated in the chair, down to only his white under-kimono as the makeup artist deftly removed his makeup. Although his back was to me the mirror gave me an unobstructed view of his face and I paused to admire him, grateful to note his eyes were closed. Clearing my throat as I averted my eyes I called out to ask if he knew when he would be ready to leave.

“You’re done,” the makeup artist told him, turning to pack up her cosmetics as Hikaru’s eyes fluttered open. We locked eyes through the mirror and for a moment just stared silently until he blinked, freeing us both as I looked down at the ground.

“I just need to get changed, I’ll be right out,” he told me, and I nodded and let the curtain fall closed again, blocking him from view.

He emerged in street clothes five minutes later and it was decided that we would find our own way to the hotel instead of waiting for the crew to finish packing away their equipment. After collecting our bags we quickly hailed a taxi. I gave our hotel name to the driver and we rode in silence, Hikaru’s attention firmly on the window which gave me ample time to shoot glances at him as I admired his pale neck, still exposed by his long hair being pulled up in a ponytail.

When we arrived at the hotel I checked us in while Hikaru hung back trying to look inconspicuous. The clerk handed me the card keys for both Hikaru’s and my room and I thanked them before we headed for the elevators.

“Here, you’re room five-oh-six,” I told him, handing him his card key and pushing the call button.

“What room are you in?” he asked, and I glanced down at my own card key again to confirm the number.

“Five-oh-three,” I said abruptly, hoping that would be the end of the discussion.

We rode the elevator in silence as I tried to ignore that Hikaru was still staring at me. As soon as the doors opened I brushed past him and quickly found my room, swiping my card over the reader and disappearing inside before he could say anything else.

## #*

I had showered and I was considering just going to bed when my phone lit up with a message. I rolled my eyes when I saw it was from Hikaru, demanding that I come see him immediately. I thought about just ignoring him but in the end I heaved a sigh, pulling on the hotel’s robe over my pyjamas and tucking my card key into the pocket before slipping out into the hall. A surreptitious glance left and right showed the coast was clear and I quickly crossed the hall, knocking softly on the door and waiting nervously for it to open. I didn’t have to wait long and as soon as the door was opened a crack I pushed inside, shutting it firmly behind me before someone on our crew spotted me visiting Hikaru at night.

“What do you want?” I asked, folding my arms over my chest as Hikaru moved to sit on the bed.

“So hostile,” he said dramatically, pulling at the front of his hotel robe so that it gaped open, a flash of chest visible as he leant back on his hands. “I have a proposition for you.” I regarded him with narrowed eyes, watching as he casually crossed his ankles and reached up to run a hand through his long hair, shooting me a smouldering look from beneath lowered lashes. “Do you want to hear it?” he asked playfully. Unable to hide my reaction I gave up and fixed him with a steady gaze.

“What is it, Hikaru?” I tried to keep my voice flat, disinterested, but it was difficult as my eyes raked over him.

“I don’t like you.” I heaved an annoyed sigh at Hikaru’s announcement, scratching the back of my head distractedly as I let my eyes wander around the room for a moment.

“Is that it? You don’t like me?” I finally asked, eyes drawn back to his figure as he pouted at me.

“No, that’s not it; I just want to make sure I’m being clear about this.” He climbed to his feet in one fluid movement, sashaying over to me to play with the collar of my robe as he continued. “I don’t like you,” he repeated, “but I want you to fuck me again.” And with that he pulled me down, lips pressed against my mouth as his hands fisted in the fabric of my robe to hold me still. I kissed back on instinct, a part of my brain shouting at me to push him away and leave immediately, but when his tongue slid against mine all thoughts were pushed aside and I found myself touching him, my hand tenderly resting on his cheek as I angled his head to deepen our kiss. I lost track of time as our mouths moved together. I was aware of Hikaru’s fingers deftly untying the knot holding my robe closed and I shrugged out of it as he pushed it off me. I tried to pull him closer but a hand against my chest pushed me back.

“Strip,” he commanded, and he took a step back and waited.

A mini war was raging in my mind. On the one hand, I was resenting being pushed around by Hikaru. His attitude was getting on my last nerve and I didn’t think I’d ever hated anyone so quickly before in my life. But on the other hand, I was physically attracted to him to the point that I was already hard, and as I weighed up the pros and cons a stray thought crossed my mind. The last time I had woken up in Hikaru’s bed I had had the most realistic dream about Kakeru to date, and now that the opportunity was presenting itself I was tempted to test it and see if I could repeat the effect.

In a matter of seconds I had decided and I pulled my shirt over my head quickly, tossing it aside before stepping out of my pyjama bottoms as well. Hikaru gave me an appraising look and I reached out to untie his own robe, pushing the fabric down off his shoulders and pinning his arms to his sides as I pulled him closer.

“If we’re doing this, we’re doing it my way,” I growled in his ear, earning a shiver as his struggles against me ceased.

“Of course, Chris-chan,” he purred, his hands finding my cock and wrapping his fingers around it.

“I told you not to call me that,” I told him, taking his chin in my hand and angling his head until he was forced to look up at me. His eyes searched mine for a moment, slightly widened in surprise. I waited until I felt him resume stroking me before I bent down to kiss him again. Any objections I might have had were swept away as he responded to me, letting his robe slip off and pool at our feet as he pressed closer.

Pushing him roughly away I felt a moment of triumph as a look of confusion flashed over his face. The back of his legs hit the bed as he stumbled back and before he could recover I was on him again, knees either side of his thighs to pin him to the mattress. He looked exquisite: his hair was fanned out, a beautiful contrast to the pure white of the sheets and he was watching me with lustful eyes peering from a flushed face, chest heaving as he ineffectually tried to pull me back into a kiss. It took little effort to smack his hands away and I moved to kiss over his collarbone instead, sucking lightly over the skin as he protested.

“No marks,” he said weakly, and I couldn’t help smiling as I scraped teeth lightly over the bone. It was too tempting not to tease him further, moving to his neck to feel the flutter of his pulse against my lips.  

“Don’t worry, Hikaru-san. I won’t leave a single mark on your precious body.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond as I flipped him over, grabbing his hips to pull him towards me and spreading his cheeks. “I’ll make you feel good though,” I murmured, holding him steady as I licked him, revelling in the feeling of him completely surrendering to me as he pushed back into my hands, encouraging me with low moans as I teased him with my tongue.

He was twitching in excitement for me and I pressed my tongue against him and probed, cataloguing every noise he made and finding his weak spots. He was urging me on, pressing back into me and I let one hand slide between his legs to brush against his balls. This earned a gasp from him and I continued to play gently, fingertips caressing with feather-light touches. His loudest moan was elicited as I locked my lips around him and sucked. He was so vocal I stopped and gave him a light, open palmed slap on one cheek before chastising him.

“Quiet, Hikaru-san.” Holding him still with one hand still on his hip I leaned over to touch between his shoulder blades, trailing fingertips down his bowed spine as he shivered under my touch. I leaned over him, my throbbing cock sliding between his thighs as I whispered in his ear. “You don’t want everyone to know what we’re doing, do you?” I felt him shiver as he moved against me, chasing friction and thighs clenching around my cock. I chuckled as I saw him bite his lip, his cheek pressed against his folded arms as he rested against the mattress.

“Just…shut up.”

I couldn’t help laughing at his lack of resolve to rebuff me, already moving back to repeat my earlier actions. He was quieter this time; I guessed from the sound he must have grabbed a pillow because the moans that accompanied each suck were muffled. I could feel him becoming more relaxed but I had more work to do if I was going to fuck him like he clearly wanted me too, so with a final teasing probe of my tongue I sat back and considered my next move.

“Alright Hikaru-san, did you come prepared?” I watched as he sat back on unsteady legs before crawling over to the bedside and retrieving a small tube that he then chucked at me. I caught it easily, smirking at the pout he was throwing my way.

“Will that do, _Chris-chan_?” he shot back over his shoulder, and my smirk dropped as I growled back at him.

“Stop calling me that.”

He was acting coy now, raking fingers through his long hair before he turned to fall back on the pillows, knees bent and legs invitingly open as I gripped the tube tightly.

“I think it’s only fair as long as you keep calling me ‘Hikaru-san’,” he replied smugly, victory written all over his face as I settled myself between his knees.

“I’m going to wipe that smirk off your face.” If he was at all intimidated by my dark statement it was impossible to tell. I popped the cap of the tube and slowly squeezed a measure of the pink tinted gel onto my fingers. A sweet scent hit my nose and I turned the tube over to read the label, a laugh bubbling up before I could tamp it down.

“Is this sakura _flavoured_?” I asked incredulously, and Hikaru’s smirk morphed into an actual smile.

“It is spring, after all.” Grinning, I slid my palm over his bent knee and down to the apex of his thighs, watching his face as I spread the cool gel between his legs. He sighed, eyelids fluttering closed and his head sinking back into the pillows as I rubbed my slick fingers over his hole. “That feels nice.” The words were spoken softly and I continued to watch his relaxed face. He might not have even been aware he had said anything, and ignoring the tug in my chest for the tug in my groin I lifted his legs over my shoulders, rocking him back onto his shoulders as I leaned down to taste him.

The chemical sweetness was strong but not unpleasant as I smoothed my tongue in one long strip from his entrance to his soft sack, stopping to mouth at him and earning more soft gasps as Hikaru’s hands fisted in the sheets by my knees. I lowered him back to the mattress slowly, squeezing more from the tube and rubbing my fingers together to coat them before running them teasingly down the length of his cock. Slowly, I watched the progression of my finger as I traced around his balls, captivated as he parted his legs to reveal himself to me again. I could feel how soft he was becoming for me, the tip of my finger resting against the muscle slack with desire as I slowly pushed into him.

“You’re so hot for me,” I moaned, my hand on Hikaru’s knee pushing his legs wider as I began to move, the slow slide of my finger rubbing inside him sending jolts of desire to my already straining cock. “I can’t wait to fuck you again.” I let my hand slide, fingers pressing into the soft skin of the back of his knee to lift his leg higher. I was struck by how this affected him, arm thrown over his face and hiding all his expression bar the way his mouth fell open, his chest visibly rising and falling with the quiet pants now tumbling from his parted lips. Curling my finger, I searched for the spot I knew would have him begging for more. The moment I found it a tremor ran through his body, his hips jerking towards me as I adjusted to pump into him while dragging over that spot again and again.  

I stopped only to slide a second finger in with the first, Hikaru quickly coming undone as he pulled the pillow over his head to muffle his cries of pleasure. I slowed down to scissor my fingers before stretching him around a third finger. He was almost ready for me, pink and pliant and so, so soft. Grateful for the flip-cap, I opened the tube one-handed and squeezed a line along my cock, smearing the gel over my erection before closing my fist around me and pumping in time to my fingers fucking into Hikaru below. A sigh tore from my throat and I saw through lowered lashes the pillow hurled from the bed, only dimly aware of movement before Hikaru’s hand was cupping over me, the gentle pressure sending lightning bolts of pleasure through me as I bucked into his hand. Unable to maintain rhythm as he teased me I withdrew my fingers, pulling him onto my lap as I angled my cock down to his entrance, now slack and begging to be filled.  

His wet heat was embracing my cock as I slid down to the hilt, his smooth ass resting on my thighs as I waited for him to adjust. Our position meant that I was looking down at him, arms braced by his sides to hold my weight. I felt his legs lock around me, pulling me deeper as he bucked under me and encouraged me to move. I obliged, beginning a slow slide of my hips that felt like I was plunging deeper every time I impaled him on my cock. My arms were becoming shaky and I lowered myself to my elbows as I slowly fucked him. I was surprised that he hadn’t demanded I go faster, and as I moved lower his arms had circled around me, hands gently urging me closer and resting over my shoulder blades as I nuzzled into his neck.

“Just like that,” he moaned, sighing happily as he clung to me, meeting each slow thrust of my hips as his hand went higher to drag his fingers through my hair, the soft scrape of fingernails over my scalp tearing a moan from my throat that I smothered against his neck.

Mounting pleasure was driving me to go faster and Hikaru matched our new pace as he angled my head to press his lips to my neck, kissing up my throat until his lips closed over my earlobe to suck gently, causing my hips to stutter in their rhythm. With a cry I slid my arm under his shoulders, pressing our bodies together as I filled him with my seed. His own erection was trapped between our bellies, rubbing against our skin slick with his precome. I just had time to reach between us to cup my palm over him before he was bucking into my hand, the hot jets of his release seeping through my fingers as I trembled from the aftershocks of my orgasm.

I managed to hold myself up as he rode it out but as soon as I felt him go limp I collapsed on him, my hand awkwardly out to the side and palm up to avoid spilling the mess onto the sheets. We were still connected, my cock softening inside him as he began to tenderly play with my hair. It felt nice and strangely comforting; the brush of fingers that knew exactly where to touch to elicit a shiver of pleasure, and I found myself hovering on the verge of sleep.

“Oi. Don’t you dare fall asleep.” I felt a finger poking me in the shoulder but it wasn’t enough to drag me back and I let myself fall into the deep sleep that had been waiting to claim me.

## #


	10. I Hate You, Die, I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language notes:  
> Oyasumi - A shortened/casual version of the full expression "oyasuminasai". Used in the same way as the English expression "Good night"- お休みなさい

Chapter 10: Kirai Shi ne Dai Suki dayo ~ I Hate You, Die, I Love You ~ 嫌い死ね大好きだよ

 

_2010_

After flower arranging we’d been split up into two groups and I had to say goodbye to Celeste as she and the rest of the girls went to try Tea Ceremony while my group got to try on the masks and armour of Kendo and hit each other with bamboo sticks. It seemed a bit old-fashioned to split us up that way but it was hard to feel bothered by casual sexism when you were play sword fighting and dressed like Darth Vader. Now it was lunchtime and we’d been guided to our welcome lunch, long tables set up in a large room and already packed with students. 

“Kurisu!”

I looked over the crowded lunch room as I recognised my host brother’s voice and I felt my heart thump in my chest when I saw who he was with. On legs that were barely cooperating with my commands I walked stiffly over to the table where Tohru was sitting with a group of friends, because sitting right next to him was Kakeru.

“This is my friend,” he said with a gesture and I looked at the objection of my obsession shyly.

“Hey, I’m Kakeru,” he said in near perfect English before going around the table and introducing everyone else.

“Your English is awesome,” I told him, earning a flush of pink that decorated his cheeks as he waved off my compliment.

“Nah, I just watch a lot of movies.”

My nervousness at finally meeting Kakeru after watching him all morning soon melted away, leaving only excitement that he seemed really interested in getting to know me. Most of Tohru’s friends were even less confident with English than he was and Kakeru and I naturally moved closer as our conversation became more and more exclusive of the group.

We had covered the usual stuff: favourite music (he was into hip hop while I mostly listened to pop but we at least agreed that Bruno Mars was amazing) movies (after I admitted I had seen every Studio Ghibli film ever he admitted he had a soft spot for Disney), colours (I liked aqua, he had no absolute favourite but liked pastels) and family (we both lived with our parents, had an older sister who annoyed us constantly and wished we had a pet).

After that the rest of the day was a blur. Kakeru was in our calligraphy class that afternoon and I had admired his perfectly formed characters as he tried to show me how to hold the brush. After school Tohru, Kakeru and a few other friends had all gone to an arcade and I had spent most of the time hanging back with Kakeru, sneaking glances at him when I thought he wasn’t looking and wishing I was brave enough to do something more than just pretend to accidentally brush my hand against his.

After just a few hours the group was breaking up and I felt a wave of disappointment as we filed out onto the street. I didn’t want to say goodbye yet so when Kakeru fell in step beside me to walk back to Tohru’s house I was thrilled. My nervousness returned in full force once we reached the gate. Tohru had been shooting Kakeru some serious looks as we came to a stop and as he opened the gate he spoke rapidly in Japanese. I looked helplessly between them as Kakeru replied. Finally turning to me, Tohru told me in his careful English that he was going inside now because Kakeru wanted to talk to me.  

“Okay,” I answered, butterflies filling my stomach as we watched him disappear into in the house.

“Christian.” It was already dark; the sun had sunk below the horizon and standing in the shadows it was easier to meet his gaze than I expected. “I had fun hanging out with you today.” The words came out sounding rehearsed and I felt a flicker of hope as I realised he was as nervous as I was.

“Me too,” I said quickly, and before I could chicken out I added, “Will I see you again tomorrow?” His face lit up in a brilliant smile as he nodded happily. We both smiled shyly at each other before Kakeru let out a small chuckle. I asked him what was funny and he indicated between us.

“This, it’s kind of like the end of a date, isn’t it?” I felt my breath catch in my throat, eyes dropping to his lips before darting back up again. Summoning up all my bravery, I took a hesitant step closer.  

“If this was a date, shouldn’t you kiss me goodnight?” The words had tumbled from my lips before I could second guess myself, and I was glad they had as Kakeru barely hesitated before closing the distance between us to press his lips against mine. It was chaste with lips closed and he was already pulling away, but I reached out to take his hand as we blushed, unable to look away from each other. “I really like you.” The words were still coming, my thoughts passing from my brain to my mouth with zero awareness. My fingers curled around Kakeru’s hand as I hoped that I hadn’t just ruined whatever this could be. But I was worrying for nothing, his fingers locking with mine as he stepped closer again.

“I really like you too.” This time when we met it was softer, our lips gently parting as we moved together, hesitantly tasting each other as we held hands in the dark. We had to pause to breathe and Kakeru squeezed my hand before releasing me. “I have to go,” he said softly. I nodded silently and he gave me a bright smile before turning and disappearing around the corner. I stood still for a few seconds before coming back to myself as dashing around the corner.

“Oyasumi!” I called, one of the few greetings I could actually remember from class. I could see him turn and walk backwards in the gloom as he raised his hand to wave as he laughed.

“Good night!” he called, and I watched him turn and walk up the street until he was lost in the shadows. I went inside quickly after that, greeting my host family normally like I hadn’t just had my first kiss on a darkened street in Japan. It was hard because I couldn’t stop grinning and all I could think about was how I was now hopelessly and helplessly in love with Kakeru Tanizaki.

## #

_2017_

I could feel my arms wrapped around a warm body that was cradled to my chest and I dropped my head to press my nose into his hair, inhaling the comforting scent of vanilla.  A cautious slide of my legs between the cool sheets revealed that my legs were still tangled with his and I smiled lazily to myself. Kakeru was shifting in my arms and I responded by holding him tighter, head dropping lower to whisper in his ear.

“I love you.”

As soon as the words left my lips I knew something was wrong. The body I was holding had tensed when I spoke and with a wave of horror I realised that I was not wrapped around Kakeru at all, but Hikaru, and he had very clearly heard my softly spoken declaration. My brain quickly went into overdrive throwing my two options at me. I could acknowledge that I had made a mistake, apologise, and never look at him again, or I could pretend that I was still half-asleep and dreaming and hopefully avoid ever having to discuss this with him in the future. Latching on to the second option I let my body become slack with feigned sleep again.

“Love you…Kakeru,” I mumbled softly, letting my arms fall heavily to the bed as he pulled away.

 _Good_ , I thought. If he wasn’t pressed up against me he would hopefully not notice how my heart was hammering in my chest. I relaxed further, concentrating on keeping my breathing slow and even but I couldn’t help twitching in surprise as I felt fingertips brush against my temple. Deciding to ride this train all the way to the end I turned my face into his touch, letting a dreamy smile spread across my lips as the name fell between us again. “Kakeru.” The next touch was a surprise: a tender brush of his thumb over my lower lip before sweeping up to cup my cheek as he kissed me softly. It didn’t last long and I didn’t respond, willing him to believe I was still asleep. I felt a warm drop splash on my cheek, realising as Hikaru brushed it away that it must have been a tear.

“You’re cruel, Chris-chan,” he whispered, and I lay still as he moved away until we were no longer touching.

I had no idea how much longer I lay there but it felt like hours. I had been too afraid to open my eyes but eventually I could hear a change in Hikaru’s breathing and I was sure he had fallen back asleep. Moving slowly to avoid waking him up again I slid out of the bed, quickly pulling my robe back on and gathering up my clothes. I closed my fingers around my card key before quietly letting myself out.

Safely back in my own room I breathed a sigh of relief. I collapsed back on my own bed, not bothering to get under the covers as my mind raced. I had been right: sleeping with Hikaru seemed to trigger my most realistic dreams of Kakeru. I groaned, rolling over to press my face into the pillow as I recalled how sure I had been that it was Kakeru in my arms when I woke. Now that the adrenaline rush was over I felt the crushing despair that despite how much I had loved Kakeru, still loved him, it wasn’t enough to bring him back.

My short fingernails bit into my skin as I wrapped my hand around my wrist, concentrating on the sharp prick of each one and pretending that the tears now spreading a damp patch on my pillow were from the pain.

## #

_2010_

“Christian, don’t you think you might be going a little too fast?”

Celeste had been waving her hand in my face, trying to attract my attention and I grabbed her hand and slapped it to the table. On the other side of the classroom Kakeru laughed. Eyes sparkling, he leaned on his desk and rested his chin on his hand as he watched our antics.

“Who are you, my mother?” I shot back, but it was hard to be mad when Kakeru was still looking my way and I couldn’t stop grinning as Celeste pulled her hand free to chastise me.

“You’re going to get us in trouble again; can you just stop looking at him for ten freaking minutes?” she asked impatiently, a push to my cheek turning my head back to the work in front of us before looking in Kakeru’s direction and irritably mouthing the words “ _stop distracting him_ ”.

“Nope,” I sighed, leaning forward on the desk so that I could watch him from the corner of my eye.

“You’re hopeless,” she said, giving me an exasperated look. “What are you gonna do when we have to leave? We’re only here for another week.”

“Eight and a half days,” I corrected her quickly, looking up in time to see her shake her head at me. “I can’t help it, Leste. I’m in love,” I moaned into the desk.

“If you say so,” she said doubtfully as I sat up again.

“Well what would you call it then?” I asked her, elbows on the table to prop my chin up as I watched her concentrate on the English worksheet we were supposed to be marking.

“Lust,” she said simply, giving me an arched-eyebrow look before continuing with her task.

“That’s part of it, I’m not saying it’s not,” I countered, but there was no way I was going to let her write this off as simply as that. “But I feel it _everywhere_ , Leste. I feel so comfortable with him, like we’ve known each other forever.”

She was clearly unimpressed as she rolled her eyes at me. “You’ve known him for _three days_ , Romeo,” she said dryly, setting a marked sheet aside and starting on the next one. “You’ve known _me_ foreve…oh.” Celeste’s eyes had widened and she silently handed the worksheet to me before turning her attention to the next one in the pile.

“What’s up with you?” I asked, sitting back to check the sheet she’d given me. Written neatly across the top was the name Kakeru Tanizaki, and in the corner was a love heart around the letters “CW”. I grinned, heart pounding as I turned around to smile at him again while Celeste gave another long-suffering sigh.

“I give up. You two are as bad as each other.”

## #

_2017_

I got little sleep after the events of the night before and as the light of morning began to outline the curtains of my small window I climbed wearily from my bed. My reflection was a horror-show: bloodshot eyes with dark smudges beneath them popping against my pale skin. I splashed my face with cold water, willing myself to wake up. As I ran my hands under the cool stream from the tap my eye was drawn to the fresh red marks decorating my wrist. I winced as the water stung where I had broken the skin and with an annoyed huff I snatched the handtowel and wrapped it around my wrist so I didn’t have to look at it anymore.  By the time I had showered I was looking much better even if I still felt like death. But I was pretty sure some food and caffeine would do wonders for my attitude because if I could just get through today then I knew I had a quiet day planned for tomorrow. No outings, no shoots, just an office day for me and Hikaru wouldn’t even be at the agency. Bliss.

After dressing and packing away my things I sent Hikaru a text message to start the ball rolling on his morning wake up call. There was no way I wanted to be greeted this morning in a similar fashion to yesterday, not when the rest of the crew were all sleeping on the same floor and likely to emerge at any minute. I was surprised when I received a reply quickly that coherently assured me that Hikaru was awake, thank you very much, and would be ready to depart within ten minutes.

“Huh.” I stared at the message, re-reading it and deciding that yes, it _did_ sound rather sarcastic. It made me wonder what kind of a mood Hikaru was in today, and if it was bad just how much of it was my fault. “Hikaru-san,” I called as I knocked on his door ten minutes later. I was dreading this moment but I was going to be professional if it killed me. “Are you nearly ready to check out?” I heard the lock opening as I spoke, taking a step back as the door swung open to reveal a fully dressed but bare-faced idol.

“Perfect timing,” he said, rolling his suitcase forward until it bumped into my foot. “Take this, will you? I don’t feel like carrying it today.” Deciding that it would be easier in the long run to not argue, I silently wheeled the suitcase out into the hall as I waited for him with a foot propping open the door. Hikaru tucked his wallet and phone into his jacket pockets then slid a pair of sunglasses on. “Let’s go.” I watched him for a moment before shaking my head and following him towards the elevators, my bag slipping off my shoulder as I wheeled his suitcase beside me. As annoying as it was to be treated like a servant I was too relieved that he hadn’t mentioned anything about last night to care.

The crew gathered in the lobby and I conferred with Sacchi as we collected everyone’s card keys and completed checkout. By the time I returned to Hikaru he had added a face mask to his lowkey disguise and he was letting Reina tell him all about the wild night she had had on the town with Sacchi.

“And then Sacchi got up on the table and started dancing there! You should have come with us; it was such a blast.” I came to a stop beside Hikaru and Reina’s gaze turned to include me. “So what did you guys get up to last night?” I forced myself to keep staring straight at Reina, knowing that if I turned to see Hikaru’s expression I would probably betray my own emotions. I was relieved that when he spoke it sounded even.

“Just went to bed early,” he told her with a shrug, and latching on to his easy confidence I added that I had watched TV until I fell asleep.

“Really?” Sacchi had joined us and was peering up at me. “That explains your red eyes.” I grimaced and ushered them through the doors to where the taxis I had requested were pulling up. I managed to get into the last car after making sure Hikaru got a seat in the first and relieved that I would have at least a small reprieve I relaxed for the drive back to the castle grounds.

There wasn’t much for me to do this morning so while Hikaru was getting made up I wandered around the gardens exploring. It was a beautiful place for a shoot and I pulled my phone out to take a few photos of my own. I had just taken a close up of a bough laden with sakura when Hikaru stepped into view, dressed in costume again and looking absolutely stunning. He hadn’t noticed me yet and I managed to take a photo through the branches so that he was surrounded by a border of soft pink flowers. The shoot seemed to be going less smoothly than yesterday and I tried to keep out of the way as Hikaru and the director grew steadily crankier with each other, arguing about every little thing.

“No no _no_!” the director was shouting, hands pulling at the brim of the hat he wore to fend off the morning sun. “Hold her like she’s the most precious thing in the world to you, not like you’re dragging a fish net from the river!” I turned my laugh into a cough as Hikaru shot a glare at me, roughly hitching Reina’s body closer before looking back to fix her with a piercing stare. “ _Softly_ , with _love_ ,” the director coached, and I watched a tic twitch as Hikaru clenched his jaw. He closed his eyes and took a few slow deep breaths. When he opened them again the tension had fallen away and he was gazing down at Reina adoringly. “That’s perfect!” The director ducked back behind the monitor as Hikaru reached up to stroke Reina’s cheek with the back of his hand. Reina blinked her eyes slowly, placing her small hand in Hikaru’s as she held his hand against her cheek.

We were shooting the promotional shorts that would be playing in the week leading up to the premiere and I had been unprepared for just how heavy they were playing the romance card. I watched each successive take with a sick feeling in my stomach. The spark of jealousy I had felt was fanning into a flame and I was grateful that we only had another half hour of shooting planned, because if I had to watch Hikaru making lovey dovey eyes at Reina for much longer I was pretty sure I was going to either puke or punch somebody.

“And we’re wrapped,” the director called, looking visibly relieved as Hikaru immediately turned and stalked towards the makeup tent.  But those were the blessed words I had been waiting to hear! I helped the crew pack up for the dual purpose of getting out of here as soon as possible and avoiding Hikaru until he was back in street clothes.

We had only snacked during the morning shoot so it wasn’t surprising that everyone was hungry. The suggestion that we all eat lunch together before the return to Tokyo was well received and Sacchi and I put our heads together to find a restaurant that would seat the twelve of us on short notice. I managed to avoid traveling with Hikaru again but ended up trapped at the table between him and Sacchi, so on balance I wasn’t feeling great about my luck. He still looked like he was sulking; he was playing absently with the straw of his drink and he’d barely touched his lunch. 

“Congratulations on the shoot, Hikaru-san,” I said impulsively. His eyes were the only thing betraying his surprise when he looked up at me. “You make a kickass samurai.” Slowly I saw the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile. I smiled back hesitantly, feeling a little of the tension between us ease. A loud laugh from Sacchi broke the spell and I turned back to the conversation, but it didn’t escape my notice that Hikaru seemed in a much better mood as the meal continued. I had almost forgotten my awkwardness entirely when Hikaru leaned closer to whisper quietly to me.

“Why do you look so tired today Chris-chan?” I froze as my eyes darted to watch his smirking face turn towards me. “Didn’t you sleep well last night?”

“No, I didn’t,” I answered, hoping that by at least acknowledging him he would be satisfied and leave me alone. How naïve of me.

“And why is that?” No one was paying any attention to us and I risked a barbed retort.

“Maybe someone kept me up all night, hmm?” My victory was short-lived as he snorted at me.

“A poor excuse. Someone kept me up all night sleep talking and you don’t see _me_ complaining.” My chopsticks paused on their way to my mouth as my brain started screaming “damage control!” loudly.

“Sounds like a vivid dream to me,” I said flippantly, the effect ruined slightly by my wince as it occurred to me that I was in this situation because of a vivid dream.

“Maybe,” was his non-committal reply, but he seemed to be finished teasing me and was tight-lipped for the rest of the meal.

 


	11. Go and Come Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I have been hesitating over this chapter because this is where the story earns the tag “self harm”. Hold my hand kiddos, it’s about to get dark (alternatively if that’s not your thing you can still enjoy almost all of this chapter, when it starts to get graphic just Ctrl+F to "Dimly I was aware" to skip the squeamish bits, it's really only one paragraph)
> 
> Language notes:  
> Itte rashaii – what you say to someone when they are leaving but planning to return. Essentially its means “(you’re) going (and) coming back - いってらしゃいい

Chapter 11: Itte Kuru ~ Go. Come Back ~ いって来る

Our group made our way back to the station and after securing our seats we headed down to the platform. Hikaru was still making me wheel his suitcase and I clicked my tongue as he was recognised and a sea of smartphones was suddenly aimed at our group. I was positive that if his fans knew about his rotten personality they would be much less inclined to like him. The crew moved to surround Hikaru and Reina, keeping a wall of bodies between them and the public at all times as we moved to stand at our gate.

We had impeccable timing and within minutes we were boarding and finally on our way home. I had deliberately given Hikaru a seat number far away from me and I was just settling back in my aisle seat to catch up on some rest when Hikaru came over, charmed the young AV guy to switch places with him and soon Hikaru was comfortably sitting next to me, gaze fixed firmly out the window and seemingly content to ignore me for the moment. I was too tired to analyse his behaviour and resolutely shut my eyes, determined that I would sleep for most if not all of the three-hour trip.

## #

_2010_

“You need to be quieter; someone’s going to hear you,” I whispered, pressing my hand over his mouth briefly before continuing to undo his top buttons. Kakeru was sitting on my lap, arms curled around my neck and fingers pulling at the back of my shirt as I kissed down his throat. We were sitting on Kakeru’s bed and what had started as innocent kissing was quickly turning into something more. I could feel the proof of his arousal pressing into me and the thought that I could affect him like that was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I had pulled his collar away to reveal more of him to me and he arched into my touch as I sucked lightly over the exposed skin. The sound of footsteps in the hall made us pause, cheeks flushed and chests heaving as we listened carefully to see if Kakeru’s sister was coming upstairs to bust us, but fortunately she just seemed to be getting something from her room and soon the footsteps returned downstairs.

“We’re going to get caught,” I told him plainly, but he didn’t seem bothered. Hands sliding to tease fingers through my hair he leant in to kiss me, his tongue sweeping into my mouth as he pressed closer to me. I had never felt this way before, but that was probably because I’d never kissed like this before. I was helpless in Kakeru’s hands, eager to give him back everything he took from me. At the back of my mind was the thought that Celeste might have had a point when she’d said I might be moving too fast with Kakeru, but right now faced with the prospect of being without him for the next three days it felt like we weren’t moving fast enough. “Lie down,” I whispered the words into his ear and I couldn’t help the smile that twitched at my lips when I felt him shiver on my lap before complying. He looked beautiful, hair fanning out on the pillow as he gazed up at me with adoring eyes and I had to tear my own eyes away as I brushed fingertips across the exposed part of his chest. “Can I undo the rest of these?” I asked softly.

“Yes,” he answered, hands moving to help me as together we managed to unbutton his shirt. I pushed the white fabric away, straddling his hips as I leaned down to press a kiss over his heart.

“I’m going to miss you,” I moaned against his skin, lips catching at him as I kissed back up to his neck and along his collarbone as he huffed a reply.

“Yeah, right; you’ll be so busy you won’t have time to miss me,” he complained. “I’ll just be stuck at school with nothing to distract me.”

“I could give you something to remember me by..?” I offered teasingly before sucking a little harder at the flesh above his collarbone. Kakeru gasped, clinging to me as I worked a bruise into him that would hopefully last for days. “There,” I murmured, moving back to check the dark red mark and licking over the abused spot to soothe it.

“Not enough,” he demanded, and I moved higher to add a second mark to the first. With a shift of my hips I was pressed against the bulge in his pants and I could feel how hard he was. I felt out of control as I rocked my hips against him, the pressure on my cock sending fissures of pleasure through me as I moved to recapture his lips.

“Kakeru?” I asked between kisses, “Can I touch you?” My breathy question was met with a moan that he smothered against my mouth and I let one hand slide down his chest as I shuffled down to straddle his thighs. I let my hand trail lightly over him until my fingers caught on his belt, sliding over the leather to graze against the straining fabric of his uniform. My touch was hesitant as I curled my fingers around him, eyes fixed on his face, I listened to the tiny sounds he was trying to swallow back down as I cupped my palm over him and rubbed.

“Here,” he said softy, his hands bumping into mine as he reached down to fumble with his belt. The sound of the buckle being undone and then the zip seemed too loud in the silence of the room. Fabric was pushed aside and Kakeru’s hand gently took mine to guide it back to him until my fingers brushed against the smooth skin of his hard cock. I couldn’t breathe properly as I wrapped around him. My heart was beating impossibly loudly and I was sure that he could hear it. I had done this to myself before but I had never touched someone else like this. My nervousness must have shown in my face because Kakeru had reached up to hold my cheek, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips.

“Please Christian,” he whispered, eyes closing as he relaxed under me. “I want you to do it.” Feeling braver I dragged my hand up his cock, feeling the smooth slide of his skin under my palm until I was cupped over the head, gently teasing him with light squeezes. I decided that if I was going to do this I was going to do it properly and I rearranged myself so that I was sitting up and straddling one thigh. Kakeru had let me move him without comment and I caught his eye as I settled in to my new position.

“Do you have any…” I trailed off, hoping I could get away without saying it and Kakeru was shaking his head.

“Not here. There’s stuff in the bathroom. Downstairs.”

I bit my lip, not wanting to go downstairs and risk bumping into his sister. There was also the problem that Kakeru’s parents would eventually be coming home and if we wanted to do anything we had only this small window of opportunity. An idea struck me and I blushed, ignoring Kakeru’s raised eyebrows as I licked my palm. His questioning look dissolved into an open-mouthed moan as I wrapped my spit-slicked hand around him again and started a steady drag that had him arching into my touch.

Kakeru’s hand was resting on my thigh, fingers flexing and gripping as I pumped at him. By the time I noticed the slow slide of his hand he was already cupped over me and rubbing at the pointed tent in my pants at a pace that matched my rhythm. A soft gasp fell from my lips as he pressed the heel of his hand into me, rocking against my cock trapped in my pants. Sucking two fingers into my mouth, I loaded them with saliva before twirling them over the exposed pink bulb until it was glistening, brushing over the sensitive head before cupping over him once more. It was getting harder to concentrate as Kakeru kept sliding his hand over my straining cock. Determined to finish him before he could finish me I quickened the pace, pleased when his rhythm faltered and his hands instead gripped the sheets where they fell as his hips jerked. I felt the surge of his release pump out of him, spilling into my hand and dripping between my fingers as I eased off and slowly let go. His eyes fluttered open slowly as he came down from his high, locking on to mine as I started down with a mixture of love, lust and awe.

“Tissues.” Kakeru raised a shaky arm to point towards his desk and I moved to grab the box, wiping my hands on a handful of tissue before carefully cleaning up any mess left on him. “Your turn,” he whispered, knocking the tissue box out of my hands before he pushed me down on my back. I could feel Kakeru’s hand snaking between us, no hesitation as he nosed my head to the side to expose my throat. His lips locked on to my neck, just low enough to be hidden by a collar and he sucked a bruise into my flesh as he rocked his hand against me. I was straining in my pants, a damp spot spreading already as his hand brushed over my sensitive tip faster and faster. I didn’t even have time to warn him, my voice caught in my throat as I jerked under his palm, my hot release seeping into the fabric of my pants. He was laughing at me, the sound muffled against my skin as I twitched under his hand and the rapidly cooling mess we had made sticking to my skin.

“ _Fuck_ ,” I said softly, but with feeling as he eased off me to roll on to his back.

“Maybe next time,” he replied, and turning my head to see him still grinning I couldn’t help grinning back.

“Don’t I get a cuddle after?” I held out my arm and moved towards him but he shrieked and ducked out of the way.

“No way! You’re a mess,” he cried, hands pushing on my chest and planting his feet on my thighs to hold me at bay.  

“And whose fault is that?” I challenged, noting with pleasure that the pressure he was exerting had lessened and he was now wrapping his arm over me and letting me pull him closer. “Can I have something to remind me of you in Kyoto?” I asked. “Because I’d really like some pants.”

While I would need clean clothes to sneak back home in, the sound of his laughter and the feel of his heart beating against my chest was all I really wanted.

## #

  _2017_

Dimly I was aware of the sound of the shinkansen rushing over magnetic rails but I tried to ignore it as I clung to the fading images of my dream. As the loudspeaker chimed to life and an announcement came through that we were approaching Tokyo I was almost glad that I had woken aware that I had been dreaming. My body still felt heavy and languid and I hoped that I had slept silently because while the details were fading fast I knew I’d had another sex dream about Kakeru. Turning to look out the window I spied Hikaru, curled up with his feet on the seat and fast asleep.

I struggled to sit upright as I ran a hand through my hair to straighten it before rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I needed to wake Hikaru to get him ready to alight but it almost seemed like a crime to disturb him. He was so sour usually that I felt the world benefitted from him being in a state of blissful unconsciousness. With this uncharitable thought I reached over and roughly shook him awake hard enough to make his head drop forward, the long curtain of his hair obscuring his face before a hand impatiently slapped me away.

“I’m _awake_ ,” his cranky voice told me as his feet slid to the floor. “So you can _stop_ _shaking me_.” Content that he was conscious I busied myself with checking that my luggage was all in order and I collected the rubbish around our seats into a plastic bag. We weren’t required back at the agency today and so while the crew loaded the equipment into taxis I flagged down another and suggested that Hikaru and I depart together. Sacchi danced over and I cringed as she loudly enquired about our movements, unsure if I should lie or not. The matter was taken out of my hands when Hikaru explained that our apartments were in the same building.

“Oh! I’ll see you tomorrow then, bye Chris!” I waved goodbye to Sacchi and Reina before assisting the driver with our luggage. Hikaru was already sprawled on the back seat and looked like he was falling asleep again. I was happy to ignore him until we were safely dropped back at our building. We parted ways in the hall; barely acknowledging each other as we unlocked our doors. Alone at last I peeled off my clothes and stepped into the shower thinking about the last thirty-six hours and everything that had occurred in it. The sting of water on my scratched wrist brought my thoughts back to last night and I wondered again just what was going on between myself and Hikaru.

_“I don’t like you.”_

So he had said, but his actions didn’t match his words. He said he wanted me to fuck him, but what we had done last night wasn’t fucking.

_Making love._

With my hands braced on the tiles I let the water cascade down my back, head bowed as I fought the sick feeling twisting my stomach. I had only ever loved Kakeru, and I had been so sure that I would never love anyone but Kakeru, least of all a self-centred bully who seemed content to take from me without considering my feelings. But even though he couldn’t seem to be nice to me while we were dressed, when I had been with Hikaru something had just felt _right_.  

Hot tears blended with the stream from the showerhead above, insignificant and swallowed up as the water was carried down the drain. I had retrieved the small kitchen knife from its hiding place under the sink before I’d realised it, sinking to the floor as the shower continued to pound on my head, the water slicking my hair to my scalp and disguising the tears running down my face. Steam fogged up the shiny silver of the blade before it beaded with moisture and was wiped clean again. I could see my blurred reflection and I angled it away before I had to look at myself, choosing instead to look at my wrist as I raised it in front of my face.

I was a coward.

I had done this so often now it felt like a comfortable routine, but I could never bring myself to commit, too scared of what might happen after. I didn’t know what would happen if I really died. I hoped that Kakeru would be there, but I had no faith in an afterlife, no belief in a kind, supreme being who cared for me and my eternal soul. I was just a mind controlling a body, and once that body was dead perhaps my mind died too. Vanishing from the world like I never existed in the first place, and then who would be left to remember Kakeru?

Concentrating on an angry red scratch from last night I brought the tip of the knife to trace the curve, letting it sink into my skin and lengthen the mark already made. The sharp sting of the knife breaking my skin focused my thoughts and my eyes were fixed on where the point of the knife was disappearing into my flesh, a red outline appearing and growing thicker before the water caught it, washing it away. It didn’t hurt anymore; there was just a warm feeling as I put down the blade and squeezed my wrist to watch more blood ooze from the incision. There were more scratches, little crescents that I traced one by one until my wrist was decorated in red. I lost track of time as I ran out of fresh marks and started on the old ones, the water flowing around me getting colder as I painted the tiles red.

Dimly I was aware of a ringing sound and I tried to think what it could be. I hadn’t set an alarm. No one ever phoned me. The ringing continued with a background of drumming on wood and it occurred to me that it must be coming from the neighbours. Drowsily I cradled my wrist in my lap and tried to see if there were any wounds left to open. I tried to wipe it with my palm but fresh blood oozed up to fill the cuts, obscuring my wrist as the knocking sound came again, closer this time. I could hear shouting too; someone sounded really worried. I hoped my neighbour was ok.

“What are you doing?!”

A worried voice was shouting as the water was suddenly shut off. I hadn’t noticed until a towel was flung around my shoulders how cold I felt.

“Chris! Chris, are you ok?”

Arms were pulling me up, struggling to hold my weight and I tried to channel some effort into standing on my own but a rush of pins and needles were assaulting my legs and I slumped in the arms that held me.

“You’re _freezing_ ,” the voice said, half-dragging me to the bed and turning me to sit on the mattress. “Holy fuck there’s blood everywhere.”

I slumped forward, damaged wrist cradled on my lap as a second towel was draped over my head. My hair was being rubbed dry, then my legs were quickly wiped down and the towel wrapped around my shoulders was removed and I let the hands guide me under the covers. I had relinquished my hold on my wrist as it was gently pulled away from me, a sharp intake of breath accompanying as it was laid gently on top of the blanket.

“Chris? Are you still with me?”

I could hear a strange sound and my wrist felt weird. Through heavy eyelids I could see my forearm was being wound up in plastic wrap. The voice spoke again and as he looked up I recognised Hikaru peering at me from a ghost white face.

“Chris! I think you need to go to a hospital, is it alright if I call-“

It was too hard to keep my eyelids open and the world was already going dark. Hikaru was still saying something but I couldn’t hear him as his lips repeated the same syllables until everything was blissfully black.

“Chris?”

“Chris?”

_“Christian!”_

## #

_2011_

“How are you feeling, Christian?” 

I ignored her. I ignored all of them. I knew they didn’t really care.

“I wondered if you’d like to talk about Kakeru today?” she asked, and I risked a glance up. Her smile was forced and I felt a wave of annoyance at her.

“What about…” I trailed off, not wanting to say his name here in case it summoned him to me. I didn’t want Kakeru to see me here like this.

“We can talk about whatever you like,” she said, leaning forward encouragingly.

Tempting. I had tried to explain to my parents how important Kakeru was but they hadn’t understood at all.

 _And I really need someone to understand_ , I thought, trying to blink back the tears that threatened to spill.

“I love him,” I said, and through my tears I could see her nod encouragingly. “He’s dead and I can never see him again.”

_I can’t live without him._

Everyone always had a reply for that one, but they didn’t understand.

“I don’t want to live in a world without him.”

## #

 

I knew I wasn’t in my own bed as soon as I woke up. The mattress in my apartment was firm and springy and when I jumped on it I bounced to a stop. This bed was soft and spongy and I felt like I was sinking into in, immobilised by foam. I had a pounding headache and my arm felt like it was on fire. I tried to move my limbs before I opened my eyes, feeling a tingling in my fingers and a pull at my hand as I raised it to my temple.

Ah. A drip. Hospital then.

_Fan-fucking-tastic._

I struggled to open my eyes and I was surprised to see it was night-time, the curtains drawn around my single bed glowing with the soft light from a corridor beyond. I passed my hand over my eyes, wishing I could ease the pain in my head before I glanced down to check the damage. Eyes widened in shock as I took in Hikaru’s sleeping form, head pillowed on one arm while the other hand rested on my bandaged wrist.

As memories of earlier events floated to the surface I realised Hikaru had been the one who found me, and who most likely called the ambulance. I didn’t know whether I was pleased or annoyed. I wouldn’t have died, I was almost sure. I had bled way more than that before and recovered just fine. His misplaced concern was unnecessary.

At the sound of approaching footsteps I carefully lowered my right arm, settling back on the pillows and feigning sleep. I heard the curtain clatter on the rail as it was pulled aside and a female voice whisper softly in Japanese.

“Kaneshiro-san? It’s time.” She must have shaken him awake because I felt the bed shift as he presumably sat up to reply.

“What time is it?” His voice sounded scratchy. I wondered if he hadn’t got much sleep.

“It’s nearly 3am. The next shift manager will be here soon.” I listened to Hikaru thank her for letting him stay and then the curtain was closing again. The hand on my wrist stroked lightly up my arm before the bed dipped and I felt him kiss me on the forehead.

“Sweet dreams, Chris-chan,” he whispered, and suddenly I was alone again. Without the comforting weight of Hikaru holding my wrist I felt fear seize my breath and I tried to let sleep claim me once more.

## #

_2010_

“Can you all please _just wait-_ Yes, in a minute.”

I could hear my teacher’s voice, edged in panic now that we were all packed onto a crowded platform. We had got up early, hours of train travel ahead of us to reach Kyoto and Kakeru had snuck down to see me off from the station.

We were being accompanied by some mothers from the PTA and so we had hidden around the corner in case they recognised Kakeru. Celeste was acting as our lookout and ensuring that I didn’t get left behind, but as I wrapped my arms around him I wished that the group would just leave without me. I would rather spend one day with Kakeru than a year touring Japan without him.

“I’ll miss you,” I told him for the hundredth time, clutching him as tightly as he held me.

“What am I going to do without you?” he whispered forlornly, releasing me and stepping back as another flood of commuters moved past. He waited until the crowd had thinned before he spoke again. “I’ve got a present for you,” he said, pulling something from his pocket and pressing it into my hand. “It’s a phone. It’s crappy but it’s got a Docomo sim card so you can call me.” I clutched the phone tightly, leaning my forehead against his as I tried to blink back tears.

“I want to kiss you.”

“I want you to kiss me,” he whispered back.

“But there’s too many people.” My fingers clenched around the phone as I fought the urge to hug him.

“I don’t care.” His voice was low, heavy with emotion and I let my head tilt, bringing our lips closer together before,

“Okay, this is us. Everyone line up please!” the teacher called, and I pressed my lips to Kakeru’s quickly.

“Come on, Christian, time to go!” I heard Celeste saying, somehow managing to convey her eye roll in audible form.

“I’ll call you every day,” I shouted back, Celeste dragging me away by the back of my shirt.

“Itte rashaii! See you in three days!” he called back, waving as we disappeared around the corner.

Commuters were pouring out of the open train doors and as they slowed to a trickle we surged forward, most of the students finding seats but I waited at the door. I was watching for Kakeru as he emerged from the alcove and waved goodbye and gripping the phone he had prepared for me I silently waved back.

## #

 


	12. Bonds and Scars

Chapter 12: Kizuna to Kizu ~ Bonds and Scars ~ 絆と傷

 

_2017_

The next time I woke the sun was shining. I was relieved that I didn’t have a headache this time, and by the floaty, out-of-body feeling I was having I assumed that I’d been pumped full of drugs again. Struggling to sit upright, I was trying to decide if I should call for someone or wait for them to come to me when the curtain was pulled back, revealing a startled looking nurse as she realised I was sitting up and looking at her.

“Mister.. Oohil…” her eyes dropped back to the chart she was holding and I quickly assured her that Japanese was fine. Looking visibly relieved she told me in rapid-fire Japanese that I’d had a blood transfusion and that after receiving fluids I should be feeling better, adding that if I wanted to I should be able to leave this morning.

“Thank you, I’d like to do that.”

I then asked her if I had any belongings with me and she turned to unlock the small cupboard beside my bed. I watched as she produced my phone; it looked like there was a handwritten note wrapped around it and I took it curiously, snapping the rubber band as she explained that someone would be in soon to check me over. After she left I unwrapped the note to read the messy scrawl.

“Call me…immediately…you…” I squinted at the scribbled out words, unable to confirm but feeling sure that whatever Hikaru had written it hadn’t been polite. It was only six in the morning I noticed as I unlocked my phone. Grinning lazily as I pulled up Hikaru’s contact I wondered if he was even awake yet. I hit the call button and was surprised that it picked up before the third ring.

“You’re a goddamn moron, you know that?” Hikaru’s voice sounded gravelly as he growled down the phone at me.

“Well hello to you, too,” I moaned as I lay back down, turning my head and resting the phone on my face so I didn’t have to hold it anymore. “What’s got your panties in a twist?” I added, eyes closing as I waited for him to reply. “Hikaru?” Silence. That seemed a bit rude. “You asked me to call, did you want something?” I asked testily. “Actually!” I sat up, grabbing for the phone as it slipped down my cheek before slumping back down to the pillows. The sudden movement had made me feel dizzy and as I continued I felt my head spinning. “Can you call Yuuka? Tell her I might be late today?” I waited for him to either agree or tell me to do it myself but the line was still quiet.

“Hikaru I can hear you breathing,” I told him flatly, and he replied with a choking sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. “Actually I can call Yuuka,” I said, realising that her number was on my phone too. “Sorry. I’m kinda out of it at the moment.”

“You’re not going to work today,” Hikaru said, and I paused to consider his bossy tone.

“I can’t take a day off; this is only my third week.” This time it was definitely a laugh although there was no humour in it.

“Are you kidding me right now?” he said, the sound of sheets rustling coming over the line. “I’m coming to pick you up. Do not leave the hospital. _Do not_ tell Yuuka you’re going to work.” And then he hung up, the line going dead and I stared at the screen trying to puzzle him out. The nice nurse from earlier returned and gave me a once over, removing my drip and pointing me towards the toilet where I could freshen up and change into some clothes that Hikaru had presumably left for me.

On the way back to my bed I was mugged to sign some paperwork at the nurses station and I frowned down at the complicated language, thankful that I had health insurance under the agency and that my little sojourn didn’t seem to be costing me anything. I asked about take-home pain meds but the nurse said that my “guardian” would be signing for them, and with a sinking feeling it started to dawn on me why they were letting me go so easily. I tested my theory by wandering down to the ward exit and I was swiftly called back, the nurse gently informing me that I would be free to leave once ‘Kaneshiro-san’ had co-signed my release paperwork.

_Goddamit, Hikaru._

I returned to my bed, leaning back on the pillows to wait for my meddlesome boss to turn up and it occurred to me that I should probably make that phone call to Yuuka. In hushed tones I told her mostly the true story. I explained I had taken ill yesterday, a neighbour had phoned an ambulance and after an overnight stay I was being released this morning. Yuuka was the one who suggested I take the day to recover at home and as I slumped down further, limbs heavy with drugs and fatigue I thanked her and agreed that I could do with a few more hours sleep. “I’ll clear it with the manager, you just get some rest today!” Yuuka told me with fake cheerfulness and I thanked her again as we hung up. I had just put my phone back in my pocket when Hikaru burst into the room wearing a t-shirt and rumpled jeans with his hair messily pulled back.

“You look like hell,” I told him and he glared down at me.

“You’re one to talk,” he shot back, arms folding over his chest defensively. “Can you leave yet?” he asked a moment later, and I gave him a Look.

“As soon as you sign me out, apparently,” I told him, arms crossed as I settled back to glare at the ceiling. A wicked smirk was turning up the corners of his mouth when I snuck a glance at him, triumph flashing in his eyes as he observed me.

“Good. Stay here; I’ll be back in a minute.” I turned my head to stick my tongue out at his retreating back; if he wanted to treat me like a child he’d better be prepared for me to act like one. I ended up closing my eyes as I waited. Hikaru was taking way longer to sign a couple of boxes than I did and I didn’t want to think about what that might mean.

“Hey.”

Oh. He was back. I had nearly fallen asleep again and as I fought to open my eyes again Hikaru came into focus.

“Ready to go?” he asked softly. I spied a bundle of papers in his hand and a ziplock bag containing a blister pack of what I hoped was my pain meds.

“Yes,” I grumbled. “Get me the hell out of here.” Forty five minutes and one expensive taxi ride later and I was finally back in my apartment. Hikaru had let me into it, having been in possession of my keys which he refused to relinquish as he made himself at home.

“Someone has to make sure you don’t…you know,” he insisted, flicking on the TV and settling back on the sofa. He had tossed my paperwork and more importantly my pain meds on the coffee table and I hovered by the sofa as I eyed them. “Go to bed. The doctor said you need to take it easy so you don’t go into shock or something,” he said flippantly, feet now up as he tucked his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. “I mean it,” he said, one eye open to watch me and I threw my hands up in defeat, stomping towards the bedroom and slamming my door behind me. I didn’t want him to think I was following his orders but I was exhausted as I curled up in my bed again. I vaguely wondered where the bloody towels and sheets had gone because the cover on my bed was unfamiliar. But now that I was lying down my eyelids were already falling shut again and with a yawn I decided I could ask Hikaru about it later.

## #

When I woke up there was someone in bed with me. Someone shorter than me whose arm was wrapped around my waist as they buried their face between my shoulder blades.

“Hikaru?” I enquired, feeling his arm tense in response. “This is the most unprofessional suicide watch I’ve ever been subjected to,” I told him bluntly, but while the arm withdrew he made no move to leave the bed.

“You’re not allowed to hurt yourself anymore, understand?” he said firmly. I could feel his breath on my back through the fabric of my shirt as he started to trace patterns on my shoulder.

“You’re not the boss of me,” was my snarky reply, the patterns ceasing as he _tap, tap, tapped_ on my back, waiting for me to realise. “Fine, you’re my _boss_ , but you don’t get to make orders concerning my body.” The touches resumed, this time fingertips pressing firmly as he massaged me, pulling at my t-shirt as he worked the tension from my muscles. “Why do you even care anyway?” I asked curiously. “You don’t like me.” I felt warm where he was touching me and despite the situation I was relaxing as he answered.

“Can’t you see the difference between not liking you and not caring if you die?”

“Is there a difference?” I asked bluntly, and he made a small noise of frustration, hands splayed on my back as he knocked his head against my shoulder.

“For fucks sake _I’m mad at you_!” I stiffened at his outburst and I felt him draw in a deep breath, exhaling in a sigh that warmed my back before he continued in a softer voice. “And I can only be mad at you if you’re alive, ok?”

“Ok?” I replied in a small voice and his arm snaked around my waist again.

“Good.” He kissed my shoulder, the intimacy of the action setting me on edge as he continued. “Now go back to sleep.” I felt Hikaru lay back again, forehead pressing into my back as the silence stretched around us. What the hell was happening to me?

“Hikaru?” I asked quietly, feeling him stir as I shifted under his arm.

“Hmm?” he replied, a rumble deep in his throat as he began to slowly stroke down my arm.

There were so many things I wanted to know. Why did he stay at the hospital last night? Why was he still looking out for me? What had happened to my bloodstained sheets? But my brain wasn’t cooperating, my thoughts a mess of half-formed questions and vague ideas. As I opened my mouth to reply I heard myself asking, “Why are you mad at me?” His reply was swift.

“Because you’re an idiot,” he said, adding after a short pause. “And you’re a terrible assistant.” I scoffed at that, turning my face further into the soft pillow as I rebuffed him.

“Am not! I graduated with honours and I’m an _excellent_ assistant.” He didn’t have a response to my claims and the silence stretched on again, the soft rustling of the sheets and our quiet breaths the only sounds until he asked gently,

“Can I ask you about yesterday?” I shifted, suddenly uncomfortable and I tried to focus on the dull ache in my wrist as I told him bluntly “No.” Another silence, but shorter this time before he asked, “Will you do it again?” His voice was so small, so hesitant and it was so _unHikaru_. I didn’t like the way it felt in my chest, settling into my heart like it belonged there.

“Good night, Hikaru,” I told him firmly. And I shut my eyes and tried to sleep.

## #

_2010_

“Christian, I swear to god I’m going to take that phone and throw it in the lake.”

I hunched further over the screen, turning away as I quickly tapped out a reply to Kakeru and hit send. I had no doubt Celeste would think nothing of making good on her promise and there was no way I was letting her get her hands on my only connection to Kakeru.

“Alright, _what_?” I turned to her in exasperation.  I slid the phone into my pocket, joining her on the opposite side so that she was as far from it as possible.

“Have you even looked yet?” she chastised me, hands on her hips as she frowned. “It’s covered in _gold_ ,” she added, pointing dramatically at the structure across the lake; the aptly named Golden Pavilion that was glittering under the sun in its layers of gold leaf.

“It’s great,” I said glumly, and Celeste grabbed my arm to give me a shake. I had to grab her shoulder to steady myself as she shook me hard enough to make me lose my balance.

“Cheer the fuck up Christian. You’re in _Japan_ , ninja-land! You’ve been telling me about this place for _months_.” I felt a smile forming, my lips curving upward as I darted a look over at the temple and back to her patiently waiting face.  

“Y’know this isn’t even the original structure? This is a reconstruction after a monk set fire to the first one in 1950.”

Celeste slapped me hard on the back, a huge grin on her face as she happily announced, “ _There’s_ my big nerd.”

## #

_2017_

I woke up with the late afternoon sun streaming between the gaps in the curtains, alone in bed but with the delicious scent of food wafting from the kitchen. Struggling to sit up, I pulled back the covers and slid my feet one after the other to the floor. My wrist felt like it was on fire again and as I groggily stared around the room I spied the pain meds on the bedside table. Reaching over to snag them I counted how many doses they’d given me, some quick calculations telling me I had two more days of happy feelings to look forward too. First things first though; I was busting for the toilet. Clenching the bag in my fist I shuffled over to the ensuite, avoiding my reflection in the large mirror as I relieved myself. I kept my eyes downcast as I washed my hands and splashed water on my face.  Hikaru must have cleaned up in here too because although I tried hard not to focus on it I could see that the shower floor was clean. I had thrown the pain meds on the vanity and I retrieved the bag now, popping two tablets and swallowing them with a mouthful of tap water. I didn’t trust Hikaru not to try and ration them out so after drying my hands I resealed the bag and hid them under my mattress. I found Hikaru in the kitchen, several half-empty takeaway containers on the bench as he arranged some delicious looking noodles on a plate.

“Hey, you’re awake,” he said when he noticed me. I tried to respond but the best I could come up with was “uhn.” My tablets hadn’t kicked in yet and despite sleeping for most of the day I seemed to be more tired than ever. “Here, sit down.” He guided me to a chair and when to fetch me a glass of water. “Do you want to try eating something?” he asked, setting the plate in front of me when I nodded before returning to the kitchen to make up another plate for himself.

We ate in silence and when Hikaru finished he started cleaning up in the kitchen, washing the few dishes and putting them away again. He seemed to be hesitating now, hovering in the kitchen like he was unsure what he should do next and I decided it was going to be up to me to break the tension.

“Why are you being nice to me?” He jumped, surprised I had finally spoken and darted a guilty look at me.

“Can’t you tell?” I shook my head slowly before shovelling another bite of noddles into my mouth and waiting. “Because I feel like a monster,” he said quietly, the tea towel he hadn’t put down yet was twisting in his hands as he looked everywhere but at me. “It hadn’t really sunk in before but,” he raised his eyes to me, “you could have _died,_ ” he finished in a horror-struck whisper. “You wouldn’t answer your phone or the door and there was so much blood and you were so _pale_.” He looked so scared standing in the middle of my kitchen freaking out that I might have killed myself. It was so far removed from the Hikaru three weeks ago asking so casually about my wrist that I couldn’t help smiling a little. “And it was my fault, wasn’t it?” he added in a small voice.

The smile slid from my face at his declaration. I didn’t want to unpack this right now; I was tired and I wasn’t even sure I wanted Hikaru to know how much or how little he was involved.

“Don’t flatter yourself.” I regretted it immediately as a hardened look crossed his face, eyes narrowing as he clenched his fist in the tea towel.

“Is that so? Well,” he threw it in the sink and stalked to the door as he tossed the rest of his words over his shoulder. “Take care then. I guess you don’t need me anymore.”

The door slammed shut behind him and I looked down at the half-eaten dinner he had brought me, salty tears splashing on the edge of the plate.

## #


	13. Out of Reach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language notes: “Tadaima denpa no todokanai” – the start of a recorded message that tells the caller that the phone number that they are contacting is switched off or in a non-service area. The words heard at the start are “right now” and “the reception/signal” ただいま電波の届かない  
> Gyuudon – thinly sliced beef and onions cooked in a thick, soy gravy and served over white rice. “beef bowl” 牛丼  
> Karaage – seasoned, breaded deep fried things, in this case it’s chicken.  
> D e l i c i o u s 唐揚げ

Chapter 13 Kimi ni Todokenai ~ Out of Reach ~君に届けない

 

 

_2017_

My alarm ringing suddenly in the silence of my bedroom startled me and I slowly reached out to shut it off. It hadn’t woken me up because I had barely slept. My brain had refused to shut down and I had spent the night thinking about the problem that was Hikaru.

_“You don’t need me anymore.”_

It had hurt when he had said that, mostly because I did need him. There was something grounding about Hikaru, his presence almost soothing to me and I selfishly wanted to keep it. But having Hikaru around was dangerous, I knew that. I did the right thing by driving him away.

I had been hoarding my remaining tablets carefully, wanting to save them for the daylight hours when I would need their soft cushioning against reality. But the throbbing ache in my wrist was becoming more pronounced as I lifted my phone to check the time. It probably won’t hurt to hit the meds now.

I rolled out of bed to retrieve my stash from its hiding place, counting the remaining tablets and feeling a surge of annoyance at their dwindling number. Shuffling to the bathroom I caught sight of my reflection and it was so unexpected I found it hard to look away. Under a shock of messy, greasy hair a pair of dark sunken eyes stared back at me. The bags under my eyes were as dark as bruises.

Who was that stranger?

I dropped my gaze to the sink and turned on the tap, cupping my hand to catch enough water to swallow down the first dose.  

I knew it would take a while for the numb and floaty sensation to kick in and I closed my eyes and focused on what I could feel, going deeper than the pain and concentrating on the strange pulling sensation where my skin was trying to knit back together. I felt strangely disconnected today. I was still alive. I could get up and go to work and talk to people if I wanted too, or I could just go back to bed and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist. It wouldn’t matter which one I chose; the world would go on with my participation or without it.

I lifted my bandaged wrist to examine it, picturing the slices in my skin under the layers of white. I could take the bandage off and open the stitches. There was no one stopping me. No one would care.

_Except Hikaru._

I tried to put that thought out of my mind as I started getting ready for the day, surprised when my doorbell rang when I was only half dressed. A glance at the clock confirmed it was still too early for people to be calling on me. Frowning at the door as the bell rang again I crossed the living room to answer it. It could only be Hikaru.

I had wrenched the door open, revealing Hikaru waiting impatiently in the hall before I realised that I was only in my shirt and underwear. I started to close the door again but a hand shot out to hold it and with a long-suffering sigh I stepped aside to let him come in.

“I’m fine. I can go to work today,” I said in a flat voice, abandoning him in the living room to finish dressing in my room.

“I know. I’m just here to warn you about Yuuka.”

I slowly turned around glare down the hall at him. “What about Yuuka?” I cast my mind back to the only conversation I’d had with her yesterday, a feeling a dread settling over me as I recalled her insistence that I rest and recover. “Did you…” A horrible thought was occurring to me. “What did you tell her?!”

He raised his hands defensively at my harsh tone. “I just informed her that my assistant was emotionally fragile and asked her to keep an eye on you.”

It was amazing how he managed to keep talking as I chased him around the apartment.

“You had no right!” I hurled the balled up socks I was carrying at him and they bounced off his head.

“I’m just trying to help—“ he shot back, turning to stand his ground as I rounded on him angrily.

“Stay out of my personal business!” I shouted in his face, wishing I had something else to throw at him as he folded his arms over his chest defensively.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going to set you off, and I don’t want you hurt so—“

My yell of frustration cut him off, eyes warily watching me as I stalked closer with my hands balled into fists. “You don’t know _anything_ so just _Stay. Out. Of. It!”_ I ground out angrily.

He wisely fled, ducking around the coffee table and out the door before I could catch him and strangle his stupid neck. Bending down to retrieve my fallen socks I glared at them, the knit fabric stretching as I clenched it in angry fists. Tears stung my eyes and I blinked them away impatiently, sitting on the step and huffing a frustrated sigh.

This was not a good start to the day. I pulled my socks on roughly, continuing to get ready but now suddenly dreading going to work. I had never been more grateful for a Friday.

## #

Surprisingly my day was less stressful than I anticipated. The initial confrontation with Yuuka was awkward as hell but I found that she really didn’t know how to deal with her ill-gotten info. Hikaru had clearly told her more than he had mentioned because when she caught sight of the bandage, a strip of white just visible peeking out from under my sleeve, she had turned three shades paler and stammered an excuse before escaping.

After that I was left alone as Yuuka was conspicuously absent from my workday. I noticed my workload was considerably lighter than it should have been, especially since I had missed the day before, but Yuuka was unavailable for comment and I was so bone-weary that I was actually begrudgingly grateful for the reprieve. That wasn’t going to stop me from tearing her a new one when she finally faced me though.

It wasn’t that I was upset by her reaction so much as I was mad at Hikaru for making things weird at work. I was used to people freaking out and that was why I didn’t talk about it. It was no one’s business but my own and that meant it wasn’t anyone else’s problem.

By the end of the day I hadn’t been able to think of a legitimate excuse to avoid the customary wind-down drinking after work and so even though I felt exhausted I somehow ended up around a table with everyone again, diluting my pain-medicated blood with alcohol and feeling unsurprisingly light-headed because of it.

“Hey Chris,” Nao was saying, having just relinquished the mic after wowing us with her karaoke skills, “how was Aomori?”

I pulled out my phone, nearly dropping it as I fumbled to enter my pin one-handed. “So beautiful,” I replied, opening my photos to show her.

“Wow.” I let her take the phone as she started scrolling. “Princey looking gorgeous as always,” she sighed wistfully, and I frowned as I swayed closer to see.

“Hmpf,” I said dismissively, thinking to myself he looked better when he was more himself, not covered in makeup.

“You took a lot of him,” Nao commented as she kept going, and I nodded to myself. “You know not to post these, right?” she said finally, handing me back my phone as I tilted my head at her questioningly.

“Post?”

“Online,” she said, “you know, on social media.”

“Oh,” I waved off her concern. “I don’t have any of that.”

“Really? You’re not on Instagram? Snapchat?” She looked increasingly disbelieving as she questioned me. “Come on, everyone at least has Facebook!”

I shook my head again. “I had a Facebook account but I deleted it. I didn’t need it anymore.”

“Wow Chris,” she handed me back my phone and retrieved her drink from the table, eyeing me sideways, “come join us in the twenty first century sometime.”

Several hours and many drinks later I was crawling out of a taxi and weaving my way to the elevator. Nao and I had been having a spirited argument on the subject of my current and her former boss and we’d been unable to come to an agreement. “But I have inside contacts!” I’d announced confidently, and as Nao’s friend had offered to see her back to her apartment I’d made my own way home, because it was terribly important that I talk to Hikaru immediately. Stumbling down the hall I bypassed my own apartment to lean heavily on Hikaru’s door, slapping my open palm on the metal surface until I heard the lock turning.

“Where the hell have you been?” he demanded irritably, dressed hastily in his robe and taking a step back as I stumbled over the threshold.

“You’ve never been in love,” I announced triumphantly, attempting to poke him in the chest to punctuate my point but missing and getting his shoulder instead.

“Excuse me?” he voiced incredulously, turning to watch me as I brushed past him and sank down to the floor.

“You’re mean because you’ve never been in love,” I said again, dimly aware of the door shutting as I wrestled with my shoes. I heard a sigh and Hikaru bent down to help me.

“You’re drunk again.”

“Yep!” I gave up and lay on the floor, letting Hikaru slide each shoe from my foot and arrange them in the entranceway.

“Come and sleep it off then.” I held my arms straight up and he took my right hand but held my left arm above my elbow to pull me to my feet.

“I like it when you’re nice to me,” I confided in him, letting him pull my arm around his shoulder as he guided me to the bedroom.

“Yeah?” He sounded amused. Even with my eyes closed I could picture the wry smile that I knew he’d be wearing.

“Yeah,” I nodded, leaning heavily against him. “When you’re nice to me I feel all warm inside. That’s what love is like.” We had reached the bed and I fell forward gratefully. Everything was spinning and I clung to the bed as I continued to lecture him. “If you’d been in love you’d know that.”

Everything was going blissfully dark as I sank into the bed. Hikaru’s pillow was soft under my cheek, his familiar scent wrapping around me as I felt sleep approaching. If Hikaru had a response it was lost on me, the world fading as I slipped into a deep sleep.

Hikaru sighed heavily, arms folded as he wondered how he was going to fit back into bed now that there was a body lying across it.  

“But I’m in love with _you_ , you drunk idiot.”

## #

_2010_

The day after we returned from our three-day tour it was like we’d never left. At lunch time Kakeru came to find me and we snuck outside and eat our lunches together before lying down on the grass and watching the clouds drift by.

“What was your favourite thing you did in Kyoto?” Kakeru asked, his fingers trailing through my hair as I cushioned my head on his stomach.

“Hmm,” I stalled, eyes drifting shut against the glare of the sun. “Probably Nijo Castle,” I offered, and Kakeru made a noise of assent.

“Nice. What about Osaka?”

“Definitely eating okonomiyaki,” I said without hesitation, which earned a laugh.

“You went to see the castle, right?” he asked, his eyes crinkling as he frowned down at me. I sat up and rolled over, propping myself up on my elbows so I could see his face more clearly.

“Yeah, but I was talking to you so I don’t really remember it,” I confessed, earning another chuckle and a head shake.

“You’re hopeless,” he said fondly, and I felt a surge of affection: warmth spreading in my chest that had nothing to do with the autumn sun. He let his knees drop to lie flat on his back, eyes turning back to the clouds above as he continued to quiz me. “Nara then?” he asked, continuing his playful inquisition. “Were you paying attention in Nara?”

“Of course,” I told him with false condescension. “Not even _you_ could distract me from the deer; they were so frigging cute.” I watched him laugh, eyes closed and head tilted back. I felt like I had to memorise every expression Kakeru made. I wanted to keep being the one that caused him to make those expressions. “So what did you do without me?” I asked, propping my hand under my chin as I reached over to start playing with his collar. With the top button undone you could just see the first of the hickeys still decorating his neck.

“Went to school, kicked ass at the arcade, missed you so bad it hurt.” My heart squeezed painfully in my chest and I couldn’t reply for a moment. “Look! Dragon!” Kakeru was pointing straight up at the clouds and I rolled over to follow where he was pointing.

“I don’t see it,” I told him, squinting up at the white shapes as they slowly moved across the sky.

“Right there, see? Like Shenron from Dragonball Z.” He moved his hand, undulating in a wave and I suddenly saw what he saw: a long, thin dragon.

“I see it. But that’s totally Haku from Spirited Away,” I corrected him before adding, “I had a huge crush on Haku.” I turned towards him in time to see him roll his eyes at me.

“Of course you did, you weeb.” He was shaking his head in mock sadness. “I can’t believe I have to compete with a 2D character…” he whined and I reached for his hand, lacing our fingers together when I found it.

“Don’t stress,” I told him as I leaned closer. I could see myself reflected in his eyes and I wished we were anywhere else, anywhere more private than a school yard full of students that were probably watching us right now. Kakeru moistened his lips and I swallowed the urge to close the distance between us. “I have a bigger crush on you.”

## #

_2017_

I was starting to become used to waking up in Hikaru’s apartment. They were quite similar but it was the little things that were different that made me realise it wasn’t my room. There were clothes everywhere in here for a start. I don’t think I even owned as many clothes as Hikaru had scattered over his floor. There was a lamp in the corner next to a chair with even more clothes piled on top of it. Hikaru himself appeared to have joined me this time although he was curled up on the opposite side of the bed. I rolled over, closing some of the distance between us as I settled my head back on the pillow and watched him sleep.

I couldn’t remember getting here and Hikaru must have undressed me again, although I was at least still wearing underwear. In addition to the pain that still plagued my wrist I had a killer headache so I could only assume I’d turned up drunk on his doorstep again. The fact that Hikaru hadn’t turned me away even though I must have been beyond any use to him was interesting. Before I could collect myself enough to limp back to my apartment Hikaru stirred awake, eyelids fluttering prettily as he focused on me watching him.

“Morning,” he yawned, shifting to get comfortable as his eyelids fell shut again.

“I should go,” I said quietly, and he replied without opening his eyes.

“Stay.” I processed his simple request for a moment, wondering where this new, soft Hikaru had come from and trying to ignore the way it was making my heart ache in the worst possible way.

“Alright.” I agreed, pushing down the feeling that this was a bad idea as I relaxed again. I lay still for as long as I could, just watching Hikaru fall back asleep but eventually I couldn’t resist moving closer. Shuffling over until we were almost touching I reached out and stroked his hair, tucking it behind his ear as I trailed my fingers over his shoulder and down his side until I was resting my hand on his waist. Hikaru arched into the touch, closing the gap between us as I curled my arm around him to pull our hips together. My injured arm was still resting on the bed between us and when he opened his eyes and spotted the bandage he reached for it, gently stroking his fingers over the back of my hand.

“You’re such an idiot,” he said, eyes fixed on the bandages as he turned my wrist over. We both watched silently as he drew the tip of his finger feather-light over the bandages, tracing the line of the original scar as it curved over my wrist. “Tell me why you did it.” His question was softly spoken but the words still hung in the air as I focused on where he was holding me, watching how he was carefully curling his fingers around my wrist like he was protecting it. “Chris?” he prompted, and I closed my eyes, hoping if I didn’t have to look at him it would make it easier.

“I don’t want to live anymore,” I said finally. Most people didn’t react well to that declaration, and Hikaru was no exception as I felt him shift closer. “But I can’t do it. I’m scared of dying.”

“Why don’t you want to live anymore?” he asked, and a flash of memory showed countless doctors, psychiatrists, counsellors all telling me what had boiled down to the same thing. _You’re young, you’ll get over it, move on._

Hikaru’s arm had curled around my waist as he moved closer, resting his forehead against mine as I added in a whisper, “I lost someone important.” I didn’t want to have this conversation again but the words were bubbling out of me now. It occurred to me that I was starting to feel a bit hysterical, but the hand gently rubbing my back was keeping me in check.   

“What happened?” he asked, and even though I knew I would regret this later I heard myself telling him.

“Someone I loved very much died.”

“Somebody you loved…died?” he repeated quietly, and the words kept spilling out of me.  

“They were my whole world and without them nothing else mattered anymore,” I could feel tears escaping my tightly closed eyes, trickling down my cheeks. The hand on my back had grown still, a warm weight just resting as I felt Hikaru draw away. “I stopped going to school. I stopped talking to people. Eventually I got carted off to a mental institution. It was hell getting out of there but I did it.”

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” he said quietly, the unexpected tone surprised me and I opened my eyes to blink away my tears. 

“What?” I asked dumbly, watching as he carefully avoided meeting my gaze.

“Forget it,” he said abruptly. “You seem to be good at that.”  

I watched him climb out of bed and disappear into the bathroom behind a slammed door. Suddenly felt incredibly tired again. This was exactly why I hated talking about this, no one ever _understands_. I rolled on to my back and let my eyes fall closed. Fine, if he wanted to ignore me then I would just go. I picked up my clothes, pulling on my stale work shirt and leaving it unbuttoned as I slipped into my slacks. Within minutes I had located my keys and as I left Hikaru’s apartment I wondered what exactly his problem was.

## #

_2011_

_“_ Tadaima denpa no _-”_

I hung up again, staring at my phone in shock as the smiling face of Kakeru stared back from his contact page on my screen. It was late afternoon and I had just got home to find my sister hunched in front of the TV, gesturing to the live footage of cars floating down flooded streets.

I could hear a ringing in my ears, a piercing sound that was drowning out her voice as she asked if I’d heard about the earthquake and tsunami, and had I heard from Kakeru today?

I had pulled out my phone with trembling fingers, opening Kakeru’s contact and hitting call, rehearsing my speech in my head as the international number dialled.

_“I just heard and I had to check you were okay.”_

_“I’m watching the news and I needed to hear your voice.”_

_“I’m so glad you’re safe.”_

I didn’t get to say any of those things.

 _“_ Tadaima denpa no todokanai _-“_

 My sister was talking again. I could see her lips moving as she slid out of focus, reaching towards me as everything started spinning before going blissfully dark.

## #

“And you tried his skype too?”

“I’ve kept him logged in since it happened but Kakeru hasn’t come online.”

“It’s probably a mess where he is, I’m sure if we just wait a few days he’ll contact us.”

“I hope you’re right, but you didn’t see his face. He _fainted_ mum. Mum, what if-“

“Shh, it’s okay Jess, everything’s going to be fine.”

I could hear them talking, their voices floating down the hall as I lay staring at the ceiling in my darkened room. Turning my head I could see my laptop open on my desk, the screen glowing blue and the skype symbol clearly visible in the corner.

I dragged myself over to the desk, bringing up another window and logging into facebook. Nothing from Kakeru in my notifications or messages. No new posts since yesterday.

Email next.

No replies. No new messages.

Shakily I brought up a news site and blinked at the horrifying photo that accompanied the leading story. I scanned down the article, searching for city names in the report until I felt my blood run cold.

Ishinomaki city, Miyagi prefecture.         

## #

2017

I woke from the nightmare, the panicky feeling squeezing my chest making it hard to breathe as my eyes searched the room for familiar, comforting landmarks. Struggling to sit up, I pressed my hand over my pounding heart as I tried to get my breathing under control.

It had only been a dream.

Burying my face in my hands, I let the tears fall silently. That had been my mantra back then, too. I had wished every day that it was all just a bad dream. It was incredible how much it still hurt, the wound still raw and bleeding. I impatiently brushed my tears away, roughly scrubbing at them with the heel of my hand as I sucked in a shuddering breath.

It had to be nearly lunchtime by now, judging by the light sneaking past the gap in the curtains. After returning to my own apartment I had had the worlds least enthusiastic shower, basically just sitting in the warm spray while I tried to pretend that I wasn’t crying because I’d had yet another fight with Hikaru.

Eventually the hot water had started to run out and I had retreated to the bedroom, pulling on a clean shirt and swallowing another dose of pills before crawling back into bed. That had perhaps been a mistake as I recalled the vivid nightmare, the worst weeks of my life replaying so realistically that I had woken feeling like I had been back there, in my room at home, living an endless cycle of _please, today, let me hear good news today_.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my front door opening and in a panic I tried to get up. I fell heavily to the floor, my legs tangled in the bed sheets and as my bedroom door opened I caught sight of Hikaru’s worried face.

“What’s wrong?” He was rushing over, hand out to help pull me to my feet and I awkwardly pulled myself upright, releasing his hand as soon as I had my balance again. He hung back awkwardly, watching me with guarded eyes and I saw his gaze flick down to my wrist, now obscured by my sleeve.

“Nothing’s wrong, I just thought I was being burgled,” I said waspishly. “Why do you still have my keys?”

“I don’t; these are my keys.” Hikaru pulled the keychain from his pocket and held it up. “I have your spare.” The “ _just in case_ ” that was left unsaid hung heavily between us and I forced myself to roll my eyes at him.

“You don’t have to babysit me. I’m _fine_.”

“If you say so,” he shrugged, the nonchalance pissing me off further as he took a step back to leave. “I’ve brought food; it’s in the kitchen.”

“I’m not hungry.” I folded my arms over my chest, glaring at him as my stomach made the loudest gurgle. Trying desperately to maintain my indifferent façade I was unable to look him in the eye, because a grin was turning up the corners of his mouth, amusement sparkling in his eyes as he called my bluff.

“Oh really? Well then I guess that’s more for me. What did I bring again? Oh yeah,” his grin widened as he began to name the delicious scent now wafting through the open door.  “The Hangover Cure: Gyuudon with a side of karaage.” It was hard to stay mad at someone when they went out of their way to feed you. I narrowed my eyes at him for good measure but I could feel my own expression softening as he gestured at the door. “After you.”

Rolling my eyes again, I pushed past him to the kitchen. _It would be easier to be mad at him later on a full stomach_ , I thought as I pulled one of the takeaway bowls towards me. The rich, savoury scent was mouth-watering and as Hikaru pulled up a seat next to me I gave him a small smile, the last of my earlier panic fading as I watched him snap apart a pair of chopsticks.

I felt better from the first bite of my meal, the sweet and savoury gravy coating my tongue as I listened to Hikaru telling me about the little hole-in-the-wall place he’d bought our lunch from. I couldn’t argue that it was delicious. He might be a privacy-invading self-absorbed drama queen, but at least he had good taste.

## #


	14. This could be bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General notes: Wow I hope this chapter is okay. I've read it over so many times I think I could probably recite it by now. 
> 
> VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Hikaru means well but he is not a medical professional. His advice/offer to Chris is not a reliable way to treat self harm. Also Chris is still on board the angst train. Heed the tags!
> 
> Language notes: Ja, mata ashita. Nanika attara denwa suru – “Ok, see ya tomorrow. If anything happens I’ll call.” じゃまた明日. 何かあったら電話する

Chapter 14: Yabai Kamo ~ This could be bad ~やばいかも

 

2017

I had expected Hikaru to stick around after lunch to annoy me, but instead he had left after cleaning up the rubbish from our meal, disappearing quietly while I was in the bathroom. It seemed like a calculated move; I hadn’t managed to demand my apartment key back yet and I was annoyed that he had clearly timed his exit to prevent me from asking for it. I was determined to ignore him for the rest of the day and I settled in on the sofa, intending to distract myself with bad TV. I was hording my tablets carefully, stretching out the hours between doses as their numbers dwindled. At my current rate I would run out by this evening. It had been so long since I’d had to rely on the reality-blurring haze of prescription drugs that I’d forgotten how much easier they made everything.

 _I wonder how hard it is to get_ _Oxycodone here?_ I thought, staring mindlessly at the screen as the next show started. I pushed down the sick feeling that washed over me as I realized this was going to be a school drama. This was fine. I was twenty-three years old dammit; I could watch awkward love comedies without breaking down, surely. I tried not to dwell on the flash of a uniform as the scene swept over a school campus but I was already giving up, reaching out for the remote, my finger poised over the button that would skip this channel and the painful memories it was dragging into the light.

I was hesitating, still telling myself I should be able to do this until the peal of a school bell began and I quickly shut it off, the bells echoing in my mind in the sudden silence. Why did I do this to myself? Hunched up at the end of the sofa I buried my face in the cushions and tried desperately to stop the memories that were rushing back.

It was no use; the triggered flood was overwhelming me now and I gave up trying to hold them back. Giving in was so much easier than resisting as I remembered Kakeru laughing, head tilted back as the autumn leaves coloured the background in a golden hue. As I curled up I had pinned my wrist under my shoulder and a flash of pain pulled me back to reality. With an awkward shuffle I pulled my hand free, the pressure on the stitches causing me to flinch. With clumsy fingers I scrabbled at the end of the bandage, tears of frustration gathering in my eyes as I impatiently pulled at the dressing to quickly unravel it. My irritation was making me careless, and as I uncovered the ugly stitches holding me together the barbed end of a stitch caught in the weave of the dressing, pulling it as I ripped the bandage away. A hiss of pain issued from between my clenched teeth as I watched a spot of blood well up. Dark red and glistening, it stood out against the white background of my scarred wrist. The sight of it was both alarming and grounding. As terrifying as death was to me, the reminder that I was in control of my pain was what drew me back in every time.

The damage this time seemed minimal and I pressed a fingertip to the wound, smearing the small red bead to see if it would bleed further. More blood seeped out to fill the shallow abrasion but already the flow was stopping. I dabbed at the wound with the end of the bandage to soak up the blood and rubbed my sticky fingertips together in an effort to dry them. I knew it was too soon but I really wanted to cut the stitches off. I hated the way they looked: sharp, twisted black things that looked like spider legs. Covering them with my hand I pressed down, trying to focus on the piercing aches rather than the way each pointy knot scratched against my palm. I felt tired again, too weak in body and mind to move as I lay my head back down on the cushions and with the tang of iron in my nose I closed my eyes and let sleep take me.

## #

_2010_

It was my last night in Japan and I wasn’t ready to leave yet. It had been an emotional day at school, saying goodbyes that felt a little surreal and since escaping the school grounds I’d been hanging out in Tohru’s room, sitting off to the side with Kakeru and feeling strangely cut off from everyone else as they battled to the death via Mario Kart. No one seemed to be paying any attention to us as we sat as close to each other as possible without one of us actually sitting on the other.

I pulled Kakeru’s hand over to my lap, gently rubbing my thumb over the back of his hand as my thoughts swirled. The panic had set in earlier when I had realised that by this time tomorrow I would be boarding the plane that would take me away from Kakeru until next year. I was leaning my head on Kakeru’s shoulder, my mood at an all-time low when he nudged me gently.

“Christian, do you want to sleep over at my place tonight?” he asked in a quiet voice, and I instantly replied in the affirmative. I didn’t even have to think about it. I hoped he had a plan. The hand in my lap turned over to hold mine, squeezing it reassuringly as I lifted my head to look at him. “I’ve got an idea.”

Tohru, like the best friend he was, had instantly agreed to help. And so that was how I found myself half an hour later, my belongings completely packed as the party broke up, Tohru’s friends waving and calling their goodbyes until there was just four of us left. Having obtained permission for the both of us to stay at Masa’s overnight we all trooped downstairs with my suitcase in tow for me to say my goodbyes to my host family, thanking them in my awkward Japanese that Kakeru had helped me practice earlier. After the awkward “do we shake hands? Bow? Okay, it’s both” moment I stepped outside, the sound of my suitcase on the rough road surface echoing in the narrow street. I looked over at Kakeru and smiled nervously as we both listened to Tohru calling back that we’d be at Masa’s if they needed to reach us. The four of us started a slow walk up the street, Tohru and Masa still managing to pull ahead as I lagged behind.

 _So far, so good,_ I though as Kakeru fell into step beside me. We walked in silence until a branch in the road, and we came to a stop as Tohru turned around.

“Ja, mata ashita. Nanika attara denwa suru,” he said, before turning to me with a wave and a stilted, “See you tomorrow.”

“Mata ashita!” I parroted back the only part I recognised, the “see you tomorrow” bit Kakeru had taught me. Waving as they turned, we watched as they soon disappeared up the street towards Masa’s place. After a moment I felt Kakeru tug on my sleeve and I shot him an elated smile as we continued towards Kakeru’s house. 

The plan hinged on the assumption that if anyone came looking for me they’d contact Tohru first, and so with his willingness to run interference Kakeru and I found our pace picking up, the exhilaration of tricking the adults almost as intoxicating as the thought that I was actually going to spend the whole night with Kakeru.

His sister was already home when we walked in, staring into the open fridge like it contained important answers to life’s questions. I said hi with one of my memorized greetings and she smiled and said “What’s up” in reply. Short exchanges like this was all we could manage with our limited language skills but I liked Kakeru’s sister; she was much cooler than mine and most importantly she was usually too busy socializing to pay much attention to us. I carried my few things up to Kakeru’s room while he quickly explained the ruse, asking her not to blab that I wasn’t where I’d said I was going to be. While I couldn’t understand what I overheard I did note the tone of her reply and when Kakeru followed me up the stairs moments later I wasn’t completely surprised to see he was red-faced, mumbling something that I thought I recognised as “idiot sister”.

“Hug me,” I demanded, arms thrown wide as I sat in the middle of his bed. He quickly obliged, his smile returning as he climbed onto my lap. His arms wrapped around my shoulders possessively as I heaved a sigh. 

“I can’t believe I’m not going to see you again until June,” he lamented, face buried in my neck as we held each other close.

“I wish I could stay here forever,” I said softly, and he hummed a reply, his lips a soft touch where they grazed over my throat before he spoke up.

“You have to message me every day,” he insisted, still clinging to me like I was already leaving.

“You have to reply every day,” I replied, relaxing my hold on him as he moved to sit back and face me. His hands reached up, fingers carding through my hair as he tilted my head to trail kisses across my cheek until he had claimed my lips. He kissed me desperately and I returned it tenfold. I felt lost, overwhelmed, my hands brushing lightly over his shoulders and sinking lower to circle around his waist. I felt like I had been wasting time up until now and time was now running out. Kakeru’s kiss was urgent and needy, and I let him push me down until I was lying back, my head cushioned on his pillow. He was straddling my hips, the pressure against the growing bulge in my pants causing me to gasp. I could feel him smiling as he kissed me deeply, his hands braced either side as he shuffled further down my body until the pressure lifted. I whined in protest at the loss of contact, arching up to chase friction as he deliberately angled his hips further out of the way.

“Tease,” I accused him breathlessly, and he grinned brilliantly for a moment, his hand smoothing down my chest and dropping lower to palm at me.

“Christian, can I…” he paused, eyes sliding away from me as he continued. “I want to try something.” I nodded mutely; the way Kakeru was suddenly unable to meet my direct gaze making me feel bashful and I lay still as he moved off me, watching him shuffle further down the bed until he was kneeling by my hip. Hands tentatively worked the buckle of my belt loose and I watched Kakeru slowly and carefully open my fly, pushing my clothes down my thighs. With a quick glance up at me Kakeru’s blush was back, a light pink colouring his cheeks as he hesitated. “Close your eyes, ok?” he asked softly and I obeyed, letting my head sink back onto the pillows as I shut my eyes.

We had used our hands on each other before, and I had kissed down his chest but the furthest I had gone was his stomach. I felt a jolt of excitement that caused my rapidly swelling cock to jerk before I felt a tentative touch. Wrapped in Kakeru’s hands I was almost completely hard already, but he hadn’t moved yet. My ears strained to pick up sound as I tried to picture what he might be doing, but as the first warm breath caressed me my brain emptied of thought. Kakeru’s lips were on me, parted and around the head of my cock and now his tongue was gently pushing at me before he sucked on my foreskin, pulling a gasp from me as the new sensation sent a jolt of pleasure coursing down my spine. 

The hands on me grew in confidence, dragging down my cock to expose the head and Kakeru’s tongue was on me again, warm and wet as he laved at me and licked the slit. My hips jerked involuntarily and I struggled to fill my lungs with air as he sunk half an inch lower, lips still tightly sealed around me as he started to suck.

My eyes flew open with a strangled cry, one hand slapping over my mouth as I realised how loud I sounded in the tiny room. Looking down my body I saw for the first time Kakeru bent over, eyes closed in concentration as his hands held me still to suck me. I watched in fascination as his eyes fluttered open and he caught me watching. He smirked, the sight of his lips pulling tight around me as he sucked harder making me moan into the hand I still pressed tightly to my mouth. The smug look faded away and his eyelids had almost closed again when suddenly I saw them fly open, eyes wide as he pulled off me and looked down. We both watched as the slit of my blushing cock head filled with a shiny bead of precome and I felt a flood of embarrassment colour my cheeks as I tried to reach down and cover myself.

“You don’t have to!” I tried to object, but Kakeru’s hand was still holding me firmly and as my fingers brushed against the back of his hand he gently batted it away to fend off my protests.

“I want to. I was just surprised, that’s all.” His smirk was back as he lowered himself again, eyes flicking between my face and my cock as he deliberately licked the droplet, eyes closing as he tasted me on his tongue.

“Tastes salty,” he announced, grinning up at my flaming red face. “Kinda bitter. It’s not that bad.” And without further ado his mouth was back on me and I was surrendering to the sensations of him bobbing on my cock and he started to slowly pump me into his mouth. My hands had returned to stifle the noises I couldn’t help making. I could feel the pull deep in my groin as sparks of pleasure wound me tighter and it suddenly occurred to me that if Kakeru kept going I was going to come in his mouth.

“Kakeru.. sto—“ eyes flashed at me, a clear warning not to dare tell him to stop and as I watched helplessly he took me deeper, eyes still fixed on mine as a pathetic whimper fell from my lips. “Oh god,” was all I managed before I tore my eyes away, hands slapped to my face as my hips jerked and I felt myself slick the back of his throat with my come. He helped me ride out my release, hand slowing to a stop as he milked me dry and I shuddered as he sucked every last drop from me, throat working around my sensitive tip as he swallowed everything down. “Holy hell,” I mumbled, chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath. Kakeru looked proud of himself, a smug smile plastered on his face as he collapsed down next to me, one arm thrown over my chest as he cuddled into my side. I reached down to wrap an arm around him, pulling him closer as I bent to press a kiss to the top of his head. “That felt incredible,” I told him reverently, relaxing my hold as he shuffled to look up at me.

“Thank god: I’ve never done that before,” he said, his face reflecting a look of relief as I stared at him incredulously.

“But you looked like you knew exactly what you were doing!” I accused as he ducked down to hide his face. I could see the tips of his ears were bright red.

“I may have done some research last night,” he mumbled into my chest and I couldn’t help but laugh before promising that if he shared his resources I would attempt to return the favour.

## #

_2017_

When I woke it was to a cruel world, the harsh overhead light hurting my eyes as I registered the pain in my neck and the hollow feeling in my stomach. I sat up, rolling my head from shoulder to shoulder as I tried to ease the pain from sleeping on the too-small sofa. I had been dreaming of Kakeru again and I ignored the tight feeling in my groin as I collected the discarded bandage littering the floor. Depositing it in the bin I grabbed a fresh dressing to re-wrap my wrist, managing to avoid looking at both my reflection in the bathroom mirror and the pattern of ugly black lines marring my wrist.

I could see from my bedroom window that night had already fallen, and a quick phone check revealed that I had slept the day away; it was already after seven. Even without the confirmation of the late hour I knew it was time for dinner as my stomach rumbled, demanding to be fed. There was never much in the way of food in my apartment. I had managed to keep myself alive on takeaway for the last few years; I wasn’t big on cooking and grocery shopping was a rarity for me. This meant that my prowling around the kitchen to repeatedly open the fridge and pantry was mostly futile. I did manage to find a bag of chips though which in the absence of real food was going to have to do. Or at least it _would_ , if only I could get the damn thing open.

My pain killers had well and truly worn off again and I gave up on trying to open the packet normally. My injured wrist was unable to put any force behind the motion and I cast around for an alternative. My eye fell on the kitchen drawer and I pulled it open roughly, my frustration at being unable to open a single foil bag bursting forth in childish vengeance. I had been intending to grab a knife and teach the stupid bag a lesson when I discovered that my cutlery had been raided. Frowning at the white space that had previously held a few steak knives, a small cleaver and a paring knife I slammed the drawer shut and stalked to the bathroom, eyes sweeping from corner to corner before checking under the sink to confirm what I already knew. Hikaru had stolen all the sharp, pointy objects, hadn’t he?

_That meddling bastard._

After slamming my own apartment door I marched down the hall, pounding on his door until he opened it looking confused, a towel draped over his still-damp hair and silk robe plastered over his chest as water beaded off his skin.

“You’re supposed to be resting.” He frowned at me as I pushed past him, knocking his arm aside to fit between him and the door.

“Where are all my knives, you thief?” I demanded, heading straight for his kitchen as he scrambled after me.

“Oi! What do you think you’re doing?” he protested as I began pulling drawers open, finding my stolen stash and gathering them up triumphantly.

“How am I supposed to cook anything if you’ve stolen all my cutlery?” I shot back, eyes narrowed as he lowered his head. I was exaggerating, but he didn’t need to know I was only trying to open a chip packet.

The towel was shielding his eyes from my gaze as he replied. “Not _all_ of them,” he said petulantly and I resisted the urge to scoff at his attitude.

“You’re not responsible for me, Hikaru,” I spat back at him, feeling a flicker of remorse when he flinched at my harsh tone. Great, now his feelings were hurt and I felt like an asshole. I dumped the knives on the benchtop and turned to lean against it, arms crossed defensively over my chest as he reached up and pulled the towel slowly off his head.  

“I’ll let you take them back on one condition,” he said, raising his eyes to meet mine in a steady gaze and I waited for him to finish. “You have to promise you won’t do it again.” It took all of my will power not to roll my eyes at him. I had no idea why he wanted to be my knight in shining armour but it was less endearing than he thought it was.

“Do you really think I’m going to start sawing at my wrist with a steak knife?” I asked him, one eye brow raised in disbelief. Clearly he did; he was patiently waiting for my answer and I heaved a sigh as I met his steady gaze. “It’s not like I can just make a promise like that.” I tried to explain as I took a step closer. “I don’t _plan_ to do it, it just happens.” I shrugged as the easy lies to explain my habit came effortlessly. “It’s something to focus on, when everything is shit.” He didn’t need to know I craved the control that hurting myself gave me. It wasn’t his business what I did to myself anyway.

Hikaru was still watching me cautiously, like I might make a break for it or do something else crazy. “What if you did something else instead?” he offered tentatively. I hesitated, hovering between him and the pile of knives on the bench as I shot him a curious look.

“Like what? I’m not going to take up knitting, if that’s what you mean.” I had tried to make it a joke, but Hikaru wasn’t laughing. In fact he looked deadly serious as he approached me.

“You can call me,” he said simply. “Anytime you get stuck in your head and you need something to focus on, just focus on me.” I considered his proposal, the meaning behind his words clear as he pressed his body against mine. I had automatically raised my arms to curl around him as he began kissing down my neck and his arms circled me.

_Bad idea._

“Ok.” My single word of assent fell from my lips and a second later Hikaru had covered them with his own. I let him walk me backwards until he was kissing me against the kitchen bench, my shirt cold where his damp robe was soaking into the fabric. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as my brain screamed at me that this was going to be a disaster. Sleeping with Hikaru is exactly what pushed me over the edge last time; it seemed unlikely that to continue to do so would be free of negative repercussions. Any sensible thoughts I might have had fled immediately when Hikaru pulled away to whisper in my ear.

“Come back to the bedroom.”

It was on legs shaky with desire that I followed him to his room. I let him carefully undress me, my shirt falling to the floor where it was soon joined by his robe as he shrugged out of it, revealing his glorious naked body. With gentle touches he urged me to lie back and I closed my eyes as he settled himself between my legs. There was no preamble as he took me in his hands, a surge of blood causing my cock to jerk as he bent to mouth at me. I couldn’t help arching into his touch as his lips pressed open-mouthed against my rapidly growing erection. The feel of his tongue flicking out to taste me was sending bolts of desire through me, and when he wrapped his hand around the base of my cock I grabbed fistfuls of sheet as his lips slowly kissed towards the head.

The breath I didn’t know I’d been holding was released in a shaky sigh as he took me in his mouth. A delicate drag of his fist exposed my sensitive tip and he pushed his tongue against me, the wet slide swirling around me almost enough to make me forget myself. I was relaxing under his touch, eyes closed and fingers loosening their grip on the sheets when without warning he took me deeper, lips locking around me as he sucked greedily. A moan tore from my throat as my hips jerked and I felt a hand slide over my hip, pushing it firmly back to the mattress as he continued to tease me. I risked a glance and immediately wished I hadn’t. It was a cruel twist of fate that the only other person I had tumbled into bed with had to look so much like Kakeru. To my horror I could feel tears gathering behind my eyes and I squeezed them shut quickly. I needed distraction; I needed to take control back before Hikaru noticed my eyes shiny with unshed tears.

Taking over was easier than I’d thought it would be. Reaching down I had pulled Hikaru up to kiss him and he had complied with the gentle but insistent touches, letting me push him down to the mattress as his soft hair fanned over the sheet. It was with difficulty that I tore my eyes away from his face, kissing down his body to settle between his knees in a reversal of our earlier positions.

I heard him sigh deeply as I took him in my mouth, and the gentle curl of his fingers in my hair as I pleasured him was not helping to abate the unshed tears stinging in my eyes. He was doing it again, turning what should have been desperate and lustful into tender and intimate and I reached up to push his hand away, not trying to be gentle as I roughly pinned it to the bed with enough force that he briefly struggled against me. It was a good start but it wasn’t enough. I let him go to slide my hand down to dip between his legs, my searching fingers stroking his soft centre. There was a jerk of his hips accompanied by a hiss of indrawn breath as I caressed him, my other hand holding him firmly as I pumped him into my mouth. I could feel the tension building in him, hands fisting in the sheets as I teased the tip of his cock. He was leaking now, saliva and precome mixing to ease the glide of my hand.    

“W-wait.” The word was breathless but demanding and I slowly released him, sitting back as he squirmed away from me. I closed my eyes while I paused, my breaths loud and shallow in my ears as I listened to the sound of a drawer opening, the shifting of items and the soft rustle of sheets as he returned. “Chris?” It was a question, an unvoiced concern and I forced myself to look at him. Kneeling beside me with his fists resting on his knees he looked demure, almost submissive.

 “I’m fine,” I told him flatly as I reached for the tube I could see clenched in one small fist. He let me take it but remained motionless as I moved behind him, sitting back on my heels and dropping the small tube as I reached out to grab his waist. “You’re so tiny,” I sighed, dragging my hands lower down over his hips until they curved over the swell of his ass.

“I am not!” he said, his indignant tone pulling a laugh from me. It was true I was exaggerating but something about being held in my hands still made him seem small and delicate. With hands on his hips I urged him up to all fours, bending over him to kiss down his spine. I felt him relax into his new position, shoulders sinking to the bed as I spread his cheeks and dragged a thumb against him. I sighed deeply, the breath pulled from my chest echoed by Hikaru as he relaxed under my touch. Feeling slightly unsettled by his cooperation I reached for the discarded lube and my trembling fingers accidently squeezed out far too much. Annoyed with myself, I wiped the excess off on my cock, flinching at the cool touch before I rubbed my fingers together to warm what was left. Rather than recoiling from my touch, Hikaru pushed back at the first brush of my fingertips. I rubbed gently over him before pushing past the soft muscle, feeling him stretch around me.

It didn’t take long before I could add a second finger, fucking him slowly open on my fingers as I let my other hand roam, smoothing up and down his spine and over his hip, brushing over his cock with soft touches that teased without giving any relief. I was surprised when he pushed back, kneeling upright and reaching for my roving hand to bring it to his lips. I shuffled closer to regain my balance as he pulled me closer, kissing along my finger before slipping two digits between his lips. A soft gasp accompanied the wet smack of his mouth on me and I felt his lips stretch in a smirk that I was determined to defeat. I let him suck my fingers, the sensations jolting straight to my aching cock.

“You think you’re clever, don’t you?” I whispered, lips brushing over his throat as I moved to tease the other side. He pulled my fingers from his mouth, tongue sliding against them wetly before he tugged my hand lower, urging me to touch him.

“I know I am.” His reply took me by surprise as I swirled wet fingers over the head of his cock, revelling in the soft gasps he made as he arched back into my chest. He was soft and ready for me, begging for something more satisfying than my fingers and I grinned as a particularly loud moan tore from his throat.

“Enough,” his voice was rough, heavy with want as he reached lower to grab my hand, stilling my movements. I let him go as he pulled away from me, watching as he bent forward again and spread his cheeks. “Fuck me.” I didn’t need to be told twice. Quickly slicking my cock with the clear gel I lined myself up before pushing into him and pulling him down on my cock.

“Why do you feel so _good,_ ” I groaned, hands gripping his hips as I pulled him upright again. With one hand splayed on his chest I pulled him closer, revelling in the wanton moans he was making as my fingertip teased his nipple until the small bud was taunt and pebbled under my thumb. He arched back into me, his hands gripping my thighs as I started to move, sinking down on my knees to fuck up into him even as he bounced on my cock.

We quickly found a rhythm, bodies moving in synch as I pressed a kiss to his neck. His pulse was fluttering as I sucked lightly over his skin, a half-formed thought that he might warn me again not to leave a mark prompting me to lock on and suck hard enough to bruise. Far from objecting I felt him tremble in my arms, a delicious shudder as he cried out. I still had a firm grip on his hip but I let my hand that had teased his nipple slide down his chest, brushing over his throbbing cock and closing around him to pump in time with our movements.  I felt hands in my hair, dragging down to my neck and back up to scrape against my scalp as he arched his back into me, encouraging me to hold him closer. My lips found their way back to his neck, but as I kissed the soft skin he turned, fingers brushing against my cheek as he guided my lips to his. The angle didn’t allow much depth but the intimacy of being connected to him like this was settling over me like a heavy mist. I kissed him with desperation, teeth grazing dangerously and I deliberately slowed the pace before I accidently bit his tongue or my own. I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed again, the tender touch of his palm as it warmed my cheek rewriting our encounter. Every brush of his lips against mine was turning the base groping into loving touches and I needed control back before I lost it forever.

I turned away from his touch, mourning the loss of his lips as I pushed him to the bed, pressing him into the mattress to chase my own release. I could feel him coming undone, his walls gripping me tighter as I fucked into him faster. My fingers were still biting into his hip as I held him down, but I slid my other hand between him and the mattress to cup over him just in time as he came, his muffled cry of my name echoing in my ears as his hot release spilled over my hand. I was following him into bliss, emptying myself deep inside him with a wordless cry as loud as his own had been. I collapsed on top of him before rolling off on to my back, chest heaving with my exertions. Staring up at the ceiling, I sucked in deep breaths and tried not to think about how good Hikaru and I were together.

 _“Fuck.”_ The expletive didn’t convey half of what I felt as my racing heart slowly settled. I had little experience with sex with partners, having lost the only person I had ever wanted to be intimate with so long ago. I had been unprepared for how sex with Hikaru was making me feel, and I hated myself for how well we fit together, how natural it felt to be this vulnerable with him.

“And you said we weren’t compatible,” Hikaru said in an accusing groan. I flinched, afraid for a second that I had voiced my thoughts because the alternative was he’d been reading my mind.

“You’re just good at this, you’ve had more practice,” I told him bluntly, throwing an arm over my face as I turned my head to peek at him.

“No, I wouldn’t say that,” Hikaru replied, voice slow and measured. He was still lying on his stomach, face half-hidden as he peered at me through a curtain of hair.   

“Really?” the confusion bled through in my voice as I lowered my arm, sitting up and pulling the sheet over my lap as I expressed my surprise. “But you’re an idol.” He laughed at that; a cold humourless sound that barely shook his shoulders as he pushed up to his elbows.

“I’m an idol so I _must_ be a slut, is that what you think?” There was a strange glint in his eyes, a hard edge that turned his smile cold.

“Of course not,” I defended myself, “I just meant you’re popular; you’re _pretty_.” He made a small noise of surprise as I tried to explain. “Surely people are lining up,” I finished lamely, feeling increasingly helpless as he shook his head, his laugh sounding genuine this time as he collapsed back on the sheets, arms folding to pillow his head as he watched me.

“You really are an idiot.” He chuckled to himself, no sting to the insult as the fondness in his voice made it almost a term of endearment. Unsure what that meant I settled for returning his stare, pulling a pillow over to hug to my chest as I watched him silently. “I don’t sleep around Chris,” he said evenly, eyes fixed on mine as he added, “I haven’t been with anyone since high school.” Slightly surprised by his honesty I responded automatically, the confession falling artlessly from my lips.

“Me either.”

He smiled at that, a real smile; warm and genuine and visible just for a moment before he turned his face away to hide it in the pillow. Hikaru had then complained that as it was my fault that he needed a second shower I should join him but I declined on the basis of practicality.

“Fine,” he pouted, then after a moment he added, “Didn’t you say you were cooking? Your apartment isn’t about to burn down is it?” I felt a wave of embarrassment, caught in my lie as I pulled the blankets over me.

“I may have exaggerated slightly,” I confessed before adding, “I am hungry though.”

“Go and get dressed then,” he leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to my lips, the unexpected gesture catching me off guard. “I’ll shower and we’ll go get dinner,” he finished, disappearing into the bathroom with one final glance over his shoulder. His eyes met mine briefly before the door softly clicked closed I silently compared it to the scene from this morning. Sometimes it felt like I needed a map just to navigate Hikaru’s mood swings.

## #

Hikaru had knocked on my door ten minutes later and we’d gone up the street to look for food options. Several shot-down suggestions later and he finally seemed to catch on that I didn’t want anything fancy. Steering me up the narrow stairs to a chain restaurant, I felt a moment of apprehension when I considered that perhaps Hikaru didn’t want to be out in the public eye either, but to my relief we were immediately shown to a quiet table tucked away at the back of the restaurant. It occurred to me that Hikaru must come here often because the staff all seemed to recognise him, but no one was making a big deal out of an idol stopping in at the local family restaurant.

“Strange,” I commented as the smiling waitress left with our orders, and Hikaru regarded me with a curious head tilt.

“What’s strange?” he asked, and I leaned my elbow on the table as I explained my confusion.

“These people seem to like you. Not really what I expected from the Ice Prince that terrorizes the agency,” I elaborated, and for a moment I thought I saw a flash of hurt in his eyes.

“I’m not that bad,” he defended himself weakly, but I could see I’d hit a nerve and I wasn’t sure I should keep digging.

“You made Nao cry on my first day,” I accused, remembering that emotionally charged first meeting with Hikaru and the anger he had displayed then.  

“I know,” he said softly, and he almost sounded sorry. “That was…not a good day for me.” I eyed him pensively as I considered that no matter how bad things were it still didn’t excuse taking it out on other people, but it was hard to be mad at him when he looked so contrite.

“I guess you haven’t caused much trouble lately,” I grudgingly conceded, and with that the mood seemed to lighten. I’d been enjoying spending time with Hikaru, finding it strangely easy to talk as he made jokes and smiled and laughed. It was tugging at my heartstrings in an almost painful way but I couldn’t stop watching his face, the face that reminded me so much of Kakeru, lighting up with joy. But as time dragged on and we finished our meals the guilt had begun to creep back, a voice whispering at the edge of my mind that I didn’t deserve to be sitting here enjoying this domestic scene with Hikaru.

“Your coffee is going cold.” Hikaru was gesturing to the half-drunk latte I had lost interest in, my second coffee from the infinitely refillable drinks bar. I pushed it away by the edge of the plate and shrugged my indifference.

“I think I’ve had enough caffeine for one day,” I told him dryly as I watched him finish the last of his own sugared monstrosity. I had been hit with the sickly sweet scent of caramel when he’d returned to the table with yet another mug of chocolate powder-dusted foam and I was pretty sure by now he must have drunk at least a cup worth of pure sugar.

“Want to go home and watch bad movies? I’ll let you braid my hair.” I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up, Hikaru’s face lighting up in a brilliant smile as he got the rise out of me he was looking for. I quashed down the warm feeling as I realised Hikaru had not only noticed me withdrawing but had managed to make me smile despite my bad mood. This was nice, but the niggling sense of guilt whenever we were together was eating away at me. My entire purpose for being in Japan was supposed to be finding Kakeru. The fact that I was actually enjoying myself while my half-hearted attempts to locate Kakeru fell by the wayside was weighing more heavily on me by the day.

“Thanks, but,” I cast around for an excuse, avoiding his gaze as I noticed him watching me carefully. “I’m still kinda tired. I think I’ll just go home and rest.”

I was relieved when he didn’t push the issue. I hadn’t completely ruined the mood and we walked back in companionable silence, something I reflected on as we rode the elevator back to our shared floor. Just a few weeks ago I had dreaded being caught alone with Hikaru and how I felt then was a far cry from the ease with which I shared the space with him now. It was a chilling thought.

Despite my guilt there was nothing I could do about Kakeru tonight. Even if I had not slept all day I had no leads to chase from Tokyo. I was trapped here with no way to find him, no motivation to renew my search and so all I ended up doing was watching more TV. I curled up on the sofa under a blanket and felt guilty that whenever my mind wandered from the game show I was pretending to watch it always came back to thinking not about Kakeru, but Hikaru.  

 


	15. Stay Away, Don’t Say It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Tosses this to the internet and runs away*
> 
> Language notes: Ganbatte – I bet you all know this one! It’s said to encourage someone to do their best, colloquially used the same as wishing someone “good luck”. The kanji are “stubborn/firmly” and “to stick to” - 頑張って

Chapter 15: Konaide Iwanaide ~ Stay Away, Don’t Say It ~来ないで言はないで

 

_2017_

I had barely been awake for fifteen minutes and already I knew my week was off to a bad start. Snoozing my alarm had seemed like a great idea at the time, but when I finally blinked crusty eyes open to check the time I felt like I’d just taken a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart. It was a race to get dressed and to the station in less than twenty minutes or risk being late to work, and on less than three hours of sleep I was starting to wonder if I really cared if I made it or not. I hadn’t slept because I’d run out of drugs and I hadn’t managed to get to a pharmacy to try to get more yet. Now I was tired, miserable, and unbelievably cranky. I just wanted to stay home and sleep. Despite all this I did make it to my desk before eight o clock, an achievement I felt deserved more recognition than the disinterested stare from the floor manager as Yuuka made a beeline for me.

At least Yuuka seemed to have sorted out her emotions over the weekend. To my great relief she wasn’t actively avoiding me anymore, and could even look me in the eye when she was talking to me. I noticed that my in tray was still unusually clear and a glance at her desk stacked high with towers of paper and envelopes confirmed my suspicions that she was still taking most of my workload. She had handed me a revised schedule and I forced a smile as I thanked her.  Examining it to see what sort of day I could expect to have I noted that the table read at TBS had been postponed. That was not a good sign but I couldn’t be unhappy about it; the last thing I wanted to do today was be stuck in a room with Hikaru for hours on end. Instead I kept busy with desk work, finding every excuse to avoid Hikaru until home time. Despite feeling like a zombie and having to suffer through my first drug free day at work in the end my day turned out to be fairly uneventful. Without much to do I could leave right on closing and as I sailed out the doors I sent up a silent prayer of thanks for Yuuka making it possible by stealing most of my jobs. Even with the little I had done today I was exhausted, although I had a feeling that my fatigue was less physical and more emotional in nature. My plan was to head straight home and hit the sack. I had almost succeeded; I had showered as soon as I got home, towelling off and dressing in my softest shirt and my head had just hit the pillow when the sound of my doorbell chiming compelled me to open my eyes.

_What now?_

As I climbed out of bed, dragging my feet down the hall, I was surprised to hear the bell ringing be abandoned in favour of someone banging loudly on the door. I quickly threw open the lock and the door burst open to reveal Hikaru. His eyes swept over me, taking in my attire and bare feet and I witnessed the look of worry on his face relax from “panicked” to “mildly concerned”.

“I thought you had a key?” I asked as his gaze swept over me.

“I didn’t want to startle you like last time,” he finally spoke up, a fake nonchalance to his words as he finished his visual inspection. “Did I wake you?” he asked, pushing past me and stepping out of his shoes.

“You did actually, thanks so much for stopping by,” I lied, letting my annoyance bleed into my words. “Now go away.” I turned on the spot, door held open behind me as I watched him walking towards the bedroom.

“Are you coming?” he asked, one hand on his hip as he looked over his shoulder at me.

Heaving a sigh, I dragged my hand over my face as I pushed the door closed again and leaned heavily on it. “I told you; stop babysitting me.” I grit my teeth in irritation but I locked the door anyway. By the time I had followed him he was already crawling under the covers and I noted the silk robe he had arrived in was in a heap on the floor. I hesitated before I got back into bed still clothed and I wondered if Hikaru would make a big deal about it, but all he did was shuffle closer and wrap an arm around my chest, palm resting over my heart.

“I’m really tired, Hikaru,” I said, hoping he would take the hint.

“So go to sleep, stupid; no one’s stopping you,” he murmured, his words a whisper against the back of my neck.

“I’ve never been somebody’s fuckbuddy before but I’m pretty sure this isn’t normal,” I told him, and I heard him repeat the word “fuckbuddy” under his breath before he sighed.

“I can’t sleep,” he said in a small voice, almost too quiet to hear.

“What?” I made a face of confusion, turning slightly to hear him better.

“When I can’t see you I worry,” he said, a little louder this time as I felt his arm tighten around me. “And it’s keeping me up all night.”

I considered that for a moment before replying. “I don’t think that’s normal, either.”

He sighed, breath ghosting over my skin as he snuggled closer, his lips brushing against the nape of my neck as he spoke. “Just shut up and go to sleep.”

He sounded as tired as I felt and I gave in; too weary to put up any real resistance as I let myself relax in Hikaru’s arms. It felt good to be wanted. I was never going to tell him that but as I closed my eyes again I could admit to myself that the nights I slept wrapped up with Hikaru were probably the best night’s sleep I had had in years.

## #

_2010_

“Should we both go in or…?” Kakeru asked hesitantly, taking half a step closer to me as I swallowed nervously.

We stared at each other in silence, feet rooted to the ground outside the 7-Eleven and casting nervous glances around us. It was six thirty on my last evening in Japan and after tomorrow Kakeru and I wouldn’t see each other for another seven long months. We felt like we were running out of time, desperate to do more but nervous about what that would mean.

And so we had found ourselves after a somewhat awkward discussion standing outside a convenience store desperately wanting to purchase condoms and lubricant and being shit scared because we were sixteen and had never done this before.

“I’ll go,” I offered, stepping forward and squaring my shoulders. Kakeru still had to live here after all, but it didn’t matter if they remembered me. I pulled my wallet out of my pocket to check my cash, wondering how much this was going to cost and trying to distract myself from my embarrassment by converting the yen back to dollars as I nervously sweated. Kakeru gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder and I turned to nod at him stiffly.

“Ok. I’m going in,” I said seriously, and he cracked a smile.

“ _Ganbatte_ ,” he said encouragingly, and I couldn’t help grinning back before marching through the doors with my head held high. Five mortifyingly embarrassing minutes later and I was back on the street clutching the small plastic bag to my chest and trying to stop a curious Kakeru from peering in to examine my purchases.

“Not _here_ , everyone will see, Kakeru _no_!” He managed to wrestle the bag from me and I watched his face turn red.

“Oh my god Christian.” Even his ears had gone red and I snatched the bag back.

“What? It should be the right size, we _discussed this,_ ” I hissed in a low whisper, mortified that the evening foot traffic were watching and judging us as they passed.

He quickly shook his head, eyes wide as he leaned closer to whisper. “It’s not that. Christian,” he said seriously, “They _glow_ in the _dark_.”

The tension was shattered as we burst out laughing. I could see people were staring now, heads turning as we linked arms but I ignored them all as we walked back up the street. They weren’t important. No one else was. The only thing that mattered to me was being with Kakeru.

## #

_2017_

I blinked in the early morning light, feeling lighter and happier than I could remember being in a long time. I had been dreaming of Kakeru and that warm, insulating feeling that came with being in love had lingered as I returned to the waking world.

I shifted slightly, Hikaru clearly still fast asleep as his arm slid lower over my waist. Hikaru’s presence in my bed might have been uninvited but I was feeling better rested than I had in as long as I could remember and I knew it was only because he was here.

While I was pleased I had managed a good night’s sleep, the guilty feeling in my chest settled in as I reflected on my dreams and the light-hearted moments I had shared with Kakeru. We had been so happy; our biggest worries seemed trivial in the wake of what had happened only four months later.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to block out the torrent of thoughts that threatened to overwhelm me. I didn’t have time to wallow in the past now, and I felt like a hypocrite as I lay in bed with these feelings engulfing me while I let Hikaru sleep next to me, his warm and very naked body pressed against the length of mine.

Moving carefully out from under his arm so as not to wake him I tiptoed to the bathroom for my morning ablutions. I wondered if I could expect Hikaru’s strange new behaviour to stick around and I honestly didn’t know if I wanted him to stop or not. I would be lying if I said I didn’t like the attention from him. I was attracted to Hikaru, there was no point in denying that. But I also knew that I was playing a dangerous game sending out these mixed messages.  

My eyes fell to the bandage on my wrist and I carefully unwrapped it, gently uncovering the stitches that crisscrossed my skin. A scratch of my nails removed the flakes of dried blood from yesterday. The rest of them seemed to be healing well but each little puckered cut stood out, a physical reminder that for my own peace of mind I needed to put some space between myself and the idol currently snoozing in my bed. No good could come of getting involved with Hikaru, although his concern had been… nice.

Shaking my head like I could shake away my thoughts, I quickly rewrapped my wrist in a fresh bandage before jumping in the shower. Emerging some fifteen minutes later I was relieved to note that Hikaru had left while I was occupied. _Good_ , I thought grimly as I quickly dressed for work. I hoped he was finally starting to realise he was overstepping a boundary.  I didn’t want him to feel responsible for me.

## #*

Work seemed busier today and I didn’t see Hikaru again all morning. I had been grateful for the reprieve, and was feeling refreshed enough that by the time Yuuka appeared and asked me to take an envelope up to him I accepted the task without complaint. Stretching as I rose from my seat, I thought it sounded like a welcome break from the monotony of the desk work I’d been chained to so far today.

Hikaru had been at TBS earlier, attending the rescheduled table read for the drama and I had been lucky to avoid going myself. I heard from Yuuka that Nao had attended and I hoped that Hikaru had been kinder to her today.

According to his schedule he was free until his radio show segment in the late afternoon. Yuuka informed me that I would find him in his dressing room, although why he was sticking around was a mystery to me. There was no reason for him to be at the agency all day. He would be better off going home for a few hours.

Knocking boldly on the door I didn’t wait for an answer, intending to just leave the envelope on the table with a brief explanation anyway, but two steps in and I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Um, Hikaru?” I enquired nervously, eyes darting around the dimly lit room for the absent idol. The main lights were off, the room lit only by a few lamps and Hikaru was nowhere to be seen.

“Lock the door, Chris.”

His voice floated back from the bathroom at the far end of the room and against my better judgment I did so, the click of the lock sounding loudly in my ears as Hikaru came into view.

He was draped in a kimono and after a moment I recognised it as the one from the shoot on my first day. I had thought Hikaru was beautiful when I had seen him then, even with his eyes flashing angrily and his lips curled in a sneer. There was no trace of anger on his face now, and my breath caught in my throat as he swept his fingers through his hair, exposing the column of his throat as he watched me from the shadows. 

My eyes raked over his figure, taking in the tie that was low and loose on his hips and the way that the kimono fell open, revealing far too much skin as the silky fabric slipped down his shoulder. I bit my lip, my gaze travelling back up to his face to see he was watching me with dark eyes full of desire.

Feeling that I should justify my presence I cleared my throat to explain. “Yuuka sent me to bring you this.” I held up the envelope to illustrate my point, feeling foolish as he came closer and the fabric showed a flash of leg that seemed to suggest he might be completely naked under that thing.

“Thank you, Chris-chan,” he purred, reaching up to pluck it from my trembling fingers and tossing it carelessly over his shoulder, eyes fixed on mine as it fluttered to the ground.

“What are you doing?” I gave up trying to guess and asked him directly, hoping that he would give me a straightforward answer.

“I’m seducing you. Is it working?” He bit his lip as he gazed up at me. There was a hand sliding down my chest and I felt powerless to stop it as it brushed over my stomach, trailing over my belt before coming to rest on my crotch. “You’re always so tired in the evenings, I wondered if you’d have a little more energy during the day?” he said playfully, and to my everlasting shame I felt my cock twitch against the hand cupping me. His face split into a grin and the joyful look should have been at odds with his bedroom eyes but somehow it just made him seem more beautiful. “Look at that,” he crooned, “I was right.” I reached down to pull his hand away, holding it in both of mine as I tried to get my thoughts in order.

“Hikaru, we’re at work.” Outside of work hours I was almost sure the agency couldn’t interfere but I couldn’t sleep with my boss _at work_.

“Shh, no one’ll know,” he whispered, not even trying to tug his hand free as he rose to his tip toes to kiss me.

Feeling helpless to resist I let him, my lips parting as my last defences crumbled. Somehow his hands were touching me again and I moved to assist, unbuckling my belt and shucking out of my pants, hindered by my shoes as I impatiently toed out of them. Hikaru was helping, fingers deftly unbuttoning my shirt and I shrugged it off, accepting the help as Hikaru gently eased the cuff over the bandage on my wrist.

I had pulled my socks off to stand naked before Hikaru as he slowly untied the strip of fabric that just barely held the kimono closed. I watched hungrily as the silk parted revealing his naked body, his cock already hard, smooth and blushing and begging to be touched.

He moved to slip out of the kimono but I reached up to stop his hand, pulling it back around his shoulders. His eyes showed confusion for a moment until I leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Leave it on.”

He actually trembled, a delicious shake of his shoulders as I sank to my knees before him. I felt the brush of his silk sleeves as his hands settled on my shoulders and I reached out to touch him, fingers pulling down to reveal the blunt tip of him already shiny with precome.

I was mesmerised, unable to stop now I had come this far and I guided him into my mouth, sucking him gently at first, his fingers digging in to my shoulders for balance as he curled against me. I could feel the top of my head press into his belly as he made soft noises above me.

I was touching him mindlessly, my hand stroking his thigh as he parted his legs for me and feeling encouraged I let my hand slide up between his legs. I paused in shock when my fingers found him already slick with lube. My hand stilled for a moment and I felt him sway closer, a soft moan falling from his lips as I resumed the slide of my hand to find him soft and open for me. No wonder he was already leaking, his bitter taste heavy on my tongue as I sucked him. I wasn’t here by accident. Hikaru had obviously planned this completely.

I moaned at the mental image of Hikaru fucking himself open for me on his own fingers and slid three fingers in easily, curling them until l felt Hikura’s legs weaken beneath him. I pulled him from my mouth, pressing open mouthed kisses along his cock before I stood up to claim his lips again.

“Come and sit on me,” I whispered into his mouth, pulling him with me as I glanced over my shoulder to find the sofa.

I fell back onto the plush upholstery, reaching up to offer my support as Hikaru kneeled over my lap and fanned out the kimono so it rested softly over my legs. I shuffled forward slightly as he moved lower, finding each other and fitting together as he sank on to me with a sigh.

My hands had been resting on his hips but as he leaned closer to wrap his arms around my neck they slid around his waist to pull him to me tighter. We started a slow rhythm, just rocking against each other as I buried my face in his neck and tried not to think about anything other than how right it felt to be wrapped in him, buried in his heat and losing myself in the madness that was Hikaru.

“Chris.”

The syllables of my name carried on a breathy moan roused me to seek his lips, and when I found them he returned my kiss with a tenderness that frightened me. My hand slid up his side, brushing over the silk of the kimono to reach higher and trail fingertips over his cheekbone, sliding into his hair as I tilted his head, pouring my desperation into every touch of our lips.

“So beautiful.” 

For a moment I didn’t even realise it was me who had said it. Hikaru was gazing down at me, eyes dark and shining and kiss-swollen lips parting and his hands were sliding up my chest, pressing me back against the cushions as he leaned closer.

“All for you,” he whispered in my ear, tongue flashing out to tease before he nibbled the shell of my ear.

I moaned loudly, too loudly, and if I had remembered where we were I would have turned my face to muffle the sound against his soft skin, but I was so far gone it didn’t seem to matter anymore. I could feel the gentle touch of hands smoothing over my hair, tracing down my face and neck.

My own hands had drifted lower, sliding over the silk until I had found his hips again.

“Faster,” he urged, and I was quick to oblige. By sinking lower on the sofa I found I could thrust deeper and Hikaru responded by pushing on my shoulders, arching away from me as he bounced on my dick. Suddenly I had access to the front of him and I closed a hand around his leaking member, teasing the head to slick my fingers before pumping him in time with our rutting.

He moaned when I touched him, the guttural sound causing a pull deep within me as I pumped him faster. I could feel Hikaru was about to come undone and I knew I wasn’t far behind. He was clenching around me, spilling over my hand as I pumped him through his release. He had tried to stifle his cry, one hand leaving my shoulder to clasp over his mouth as he came, head thrown back and hair tumbling over his shoulders. I was following him into bliss, spilling inside him even as he leaned against me, trapping my hand between us as his lips reached my throat.

“I love you,” he whispered quietly, so close his lips brushed against my skin with every syllable as I shuddered with my release, his name falling from my lips in surprised reply.

I held on in the silence that ensued, nothing but the sound of our breathing disturbing the air as I hid my face over Hikaru’s shoulder and hoped that maybe I’d misheard him just now. I let my wrist press against him, focusing on the pain lancing up my arm from the pressure as I began to panic.

Hikaru couldn’t love me. I didn’t love Hikaru. I _couldn’t_ : my broken heart wasn’t fit to love anyone.

“Chris.”

 _Oh no_.

I knew I had to say something; he would be expecting me to. Hikaru stirred on my lap, the pressure on my groin reminding me that we were still intimately connected with the proof of our passion rapidly cooling on our skin.

I needed to escape but I was trapped, and as hard as it was to admit I knew that I didn’t want to hurt Hikaru. Because even though my heart was broken I had felt Hikaru touch every single broken piece. He was making me feel things I had thought I would never feel again. It was as terrifying as it was distressing, because with every painful throb in my chest I could hear the ghost of Kakeru screaming at my betrayal.

“I…should go,” I offered awkwardly, wincing slightly as Hikaru pulled off me and turned towards the bathroom, body shielded by the fluttering kimono as he walked away.

I was a mess but a handful of tissues took care of most of it and by the time Hikaru reappeared wearing a plush robe I was doing up the last buttons on my shirt.

I didn’t know how to make it less awkward, eyes darting around the room until I spied the envelope that had brought me here in the first place, still lying discarded on the floor.

“Don’t forget this,” I said, holding it out to him as he regarded me with a closed, unreadable look.

He took it from me and tore it open, unfolding the single sheet of paper it contained and turning it around so I could read the handwritten message across the page.

“A convenient excuse,” I read aloud, my voice flat as I recognised his handwriting and realised that I had never had a legitimate reason to be here in the first place.

“See you tonight,” he replied smugly as he crumpled up the paper, no longer hiding the slow smirk turning up his lips.

I fumbled with the lock, fingers not cooperating before I finally escaped, walking as fast as I could without actually running down the corridor. Smashing the button for the elevator, I leant against the wall as I tried not to think about everything that had just happened.

## #

The rest of the day dragged on agonisingly slowly. I felt sticky and uncomfortable and even though I’d washed my hands and even wiped myself down in the bathroom with a handful of damp paper towels I felt like I could still smell Hikaru on me. It was distracting in the worst possible way because now every time I caught myself thinking about him it was replaying his confession, his words whispered against my skin and accompanied by a rush of pleasure.

When eventually I was dismissed I made my way home distractedly, not making the first train and having to wait as the platform emptied and filled again for the next train in the schedule to arrive.

I had been thinking about what I was going to say to him. It might have been easy to brush it off as something said in the heat of the moment but Hikaru’s actions recently painted a picture of a change of heart.

Clinging to the strap as the train swayed around dark corners I thought about the way the way he had tried to take care of me over the last few days. He might not be going about it the right way but he clearly wanted me to be safe. His extreme offer to help me should I feel like I was going to cut again was probably proof enough, although it was the guilt he had clearly shown, the pain displayed so openly on his face when he thought he had caused my downward spiral that kept coming back to me.

By the time I had let myself into my apartment I was falling to pieces. Slumped on the floor I wrestled with my shoes, pulling my socks off with great difficulty before lying back on the hardwood and letting my eyes slide out of focus as I stared up at the ceiling.

I lost track of the time, letting my eyes fall closed as I considered just sleeping where I was. I was on the edge of sleep, almost dreaming when the sound of keys in the lock attracted my attention. Through blurry vision I watched the door swing open, narrowly missing my outstretched legs as Hikaru appeared, head cocked to the side as he took in the sight of me slumped on the ground.

“Why are you on the floor?” he asked, a foot nudging my calf as I groaned and pulled it out of the way.

“I’m _tired,_ ” I whined, turning to curl up on my side as I listened to Hikaru remove his shoes and step up next to me. When he spoke next it sounded suspiciously like his face was in his hands.

“You’re hopeless.” I felt hands sliding under my shoulders and I tried to assist as Hikaru heaved me upright. “Shower then bed,” he ordered, pulling me to my feet and giving me a push towards the bedroom.

After a few stumbling steps I stopped to turn back, taking in for the first time his expression. Although his words had been tinged with exasperation there was no trace of that on his face. His eyes were pinched with worry as he waved me off again and moved to slump onto the sofa.

Even if I had wanted to disregard his directions I was too exhausted to do anything but slip into the shower and make the most cursory attempt at getting clean before falling into bed. As I slid between the sheets I wondered if Hikaru was going to be joining me. I could hear him in the kitchen but as I blinked my heavy eyelids he hadn’t yet come in and I fell asleep feeling disappointed that I was alone. It wasn’t healthy, and I knew it was a selfish wish, but I wanted to dream again and without Hikaru sleeping next to me I doubted I would.

## #

_2010_

“Shh!” Kakeru had his hand pressed over my mouth as he darted a worried glance at the door. We were sitting in the dark, fully dressed and trying to stop giggling as I carefully tore open the foil of a condom. “Hurry up, I wanna see,” he demanded eagerly, but his hand had dropped away as I pulled out the condom, grimacing as my fingers slid on the thin latex.

“Yuck, it’s _slimy_ ,” I pronounced in a hushed voice, holding it up so we could both examine it.

“It’s not glowing that much.” Kakeru sounded disappointed and truth be told, so was I. I had been picturing it as bright green like a glow stick.

“Maybe it needs light to charge or something? Here, feel how gross it is.” I held it out and Kakeru tentatively took it, pulling a face much like mine.

“Ew.” He found the rolled edge and unravelled it about an inch, both of us having to stifle laughs as we saw the shape emerge.

“I’m sorry, I cannot take this seriously. What is _that_?” I said in a horrified whisper, pointing at the tip. “Because it looks like a nipple.” Kakeru tried not to laugh as I wiped my slimy fingers on my pants. He held up the info sheet that had fallen out of the box and squinted in the low light, reading aloud about the “reservoir tip”.   

“Here, you should try unrolling it. You’re using it after all.” He handed it back to me and I pinched it between my thumb and forefinger.

“Yeah,” I said slowly, dragging out the word. “About that…I think you should do it.” I offered it back to him but he just pushed my hand back again.

“Don’t chicken out now; I’ll bet it’s just like wearing a glove,” he said with a shrug as I unrolled it further. “A gross, slimy glove,” he added, sticking out his tongue.

I tossed the ruined condom over my shoulder and launched myself at him, knocking us both to the bed as I kissed the smug look off his face.

## #


	16. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all: I’m sorry this chapter is so woefully late but it has literally been the hardest chapter to post so I’m just posting it and running away (//.//)  
> I added a tag for phone sex, because they are dirty, dirty boys (and I actually feel ashamed of myself I mean jfc where does this shit even come from?) 
> 
> Language notes: Conbini bento コンビニ弁当 – Conbini means convenience store. We’re talking 7-11, Circle K, Lawsons, etc. Bento in this case is a meal, usually divided into sections on a tray. Conbini’s have a selection of lunch and dinner bento’s that they will heat up for you when you purchase them. They are cheap and often not bad tasting.

Chapter 16: Ya Kimochi ~ Jealousy ~やきもち    

 

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea  
Swimming through sick lullabies  
Choking on your alibis  
But it's just the price I pay  
Destiny is calling me  
Open up my eager eyes  
Cause I'm Mr Brightside

\- “Mr Brightside”, The Killers, which I listened to entirely too many times while writing this chapter

 

_2017_

I woke up alone, and even though I had got my wish and dreamt of Kakeru I felt a crushing sense of disappointment on waking.

 _It’s guilt_ , I thought glumly, _you’re trying to have them both._

I was trying not to think about it but it was near impossible as I kept remembering Hikaru’s confession yesterday and my cowardly reaction. Maybe that was for the best though. Maybe if I held him at arm’s length then he’d give up on me and I wouldn’t have to hurt anyone.

I was too sober to deal with this shit, and my attempt to procure more drugs had not gone well. I’d stopped at a few places on my way home yesterday but each pharmacist I saw had declined to supply me with more of the good stuff. Their insistence that some paracetamol was all I needed was a joke. I dressed for work on autopilot and grabbed breakfast on the way to the agency. I knew that today was likely to be quiet for me. Filming was slated to start in a few days and so Hikaru would be in and out of makeup and costumes, meeting with the rest of the cast and memorising lines which suited me just fine. Anything that kept him busy and out of my hair was a good thing. Or so I thought.

“Chris!” I spun around at the sound of my name being called like I was someone’s personal saviour, only to spot Nao rushing towards me. “Thank god, can you take this to Princey? I don’t want to be a dead messenger.” She thrust a booklet into my hands that had ‘Kaneshiro Hikaru-sama’ printed neatly across the top. It looked like a script and by the way Nao was quickly walking backwards ducking her head and apologising I assumed it was heavily revised.

“No problem, Nao-chan,” I waved off her apologies and wheeled around to head back to the elevators.

This was perfect. Pissing off Hikaru was a sure-fire way to get him to cool down towards me and handing him a script that told him to forget the last twenty-four hours work and start over was a pretty fool-proof way to annoy him. I knocked on his door but didn’t bother waiting for a reply, regretting my decision almost instantly as I walked in just in time to see Hikaru lean towards Reina. They looked pretty cosy, both sitting cross-legged on the sofa and I felt a wave of jealousy when I noticed their knees were touching. My gaze swept over the scene to take in Reina’s shoes left carelessly next to the coffee table. There were snacks and two half-drunk iced teas, and a script lying abandoned with the corner getting soggy in a pool of condensation. As I watched Hikaru brought his own script down to tap her lightly on the head as she shrieked with laughter, her hand resting lightly on his shoulder and doing absolutely nothing to push him away.

“I’m sorry,” I began coldly, and they both turned to look up at me. “I didn’t realise I was interrupting.” I realised I sounded angry and I forced a smile as I turned to look at Reina.

“Hi Chris!” She was giggling, her words muffled by her hand as she looked up at me with amusement sparkling in her eyes. By avoiding her gaze I noticed her toenails were painted bright red and I quickly looked away. Hikaru was watching me, still grinning happily and I took a deep breath to steady my racing heart before I spoke.

“Revised script,” I told him, forcing myself to hold it out to Hikaru civilly and not just slam it down on the coffee table childishly like I desperately wanted to.

“Thanks.” He took it, pulling the script from fingers that were reluctant to let go. Revisions meant more practice and suddenly the last thing I wanted was him to spend more time with Reina.

“Wow, they changed a lot,” Reina commented lightly. She was reading it upside down as Hikaru thumbed through the pages, and I hesitated on the spot as she rose gracefully to her feet and collected her abandoned script. “I’ll go find Sacchi; she’s probably got my new copy. Come find me later and we can go over it again.” She had slid her shoes back on and was at the door before I could react, waving goodbye as Hikaru acknowledged her offer and sank back into the sofa, eyes searching quickly as he scanned the new lines.

“I’ll be going then,” I eventually spoke up, feeling like this entire exercise had been a bust. Hikaru didn’t look mad at all about the extra work, and the jealousy beast was demanding that I accuse Hikaru of whatever it was he had been doing with Reina which was _ridiculous_. 

“Help me run lines?” he asked hopefully, and it could only be because I was still so flustered that I heard my own snarky voice shooting back,

“Don’t you have _Reina_ for that?” I regretted the words the second they were out but it was too late.

“Oh ho ho,” Hikaru chucked to himself, dropping the script carelessly as he rose to his feet. “Did I hear that right?” he sang, side-stepping around the table to block my exit. “Don’t tell me you’re _jealous_?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I told him harshly, taking a step towards the door but falling back when he moved to block me.

“You _are_! Well that’s a surprise,” he had put his arms around my neck before I could pull away, or maybe I could have avoided him but I had lost the willpower to fight. He was leaning closer now, rising up on his toes to whisper, “And here was me thinking you didn’t like me,” before closing the gap. At first I let him kiss me without responding, hesitating until I felt him start to pull away. Suddenly I felt spurred into action and my arms snaked around his waist to hold him to me as I kissed him back greedily, moaning into his mouth as I felt him go weak in my arms. A knock on the door caused us to spring apart guiltily and I took the opportunity to escape, flinging the door open to reveal Sacchi, a script tucked under her arm and her fist still raised to knock again.

“Oh, hi Chris.” Her tone was polite but confused as she peered around my shoulder at Hikaru before turning back to me. “I thought Reina was here.”

“She just left,” I told her shortly, stepping around her and leaving without a backwards glance.

## #*

I was sitting on the floor at home, facing the front door with a conbini bento on my left and an open beer on my right, waiting for the show to begin. I was angry and it showed as I snatched up the beer, the foamy liquid spilling on my chin as I tried to gulp it down too quickly.

After the spectacle I had made of myself during what I was now calling The Reina Incident I had used my lunch hour to race home and meet a locksmith. The call out fee had been stupendously expensive, mostly due to my insistence that it had to be today, but it had been worth it as I now had a brand new deadlock on my front door. The time to take action was long overdue. Hikaru had waltzed straight into my life and I had let him, but now it was time to start actively pushing him out. Cutting down our interactions at work to purely professional exchanges was an important step, but making sure he couldn’t just drop in whenever he felt like it was probably my best defence. I had returned to work feeling strangely giddy that afternoon. The reassuring jangle of a new key on my key ring had lightened my mood considerably. Even Yuuka had noticed and queried my improved disposition. I had made up something and felt immediate guilt when she smiled and told me earnestly that she was glad I was feeling better, but I quickly shook it off. I was getting way too involved with these people and it was time to stop.

Sure that I was on the right track, I avoided Hikaru as much as I could. It was easier than I’d thought it would be, mostly because of the panic everyone was in as the proposed start date for filming drew closer. By the day’s end I was feeling confident that things were finally going my way and I was one of the first out the door as I raced to get back home before Hikaru. I had stopped only to get supplies for tonight: dinner and a four pack, and now I was camping by the front door and waiting. By the sound of the distant ding from the elevator it seemed like I wouldn’t be waiting much longer. I held my breath as the sound of shoes on carpet approached, and in the quiet I heard a rustle from beyond the door. Closing my eyes, I pictured Hikaru reaching into his coat pocket for his keys, _my stolen spare house key_ , and tried to unlock the door with it.

“What the hell—“ I heard him swear softly when the key didn’t slide into the lock and within seconds the door bell was ringing.

“What do you want?” I called out loudly in a break between the buzzing, unable to help my grin as I heard him swear again.

“Chris, open the goddamn door.” _Ooh, cranky Hikaru_. I picked up my beer and took a long drink before replying.

“No. Sleep in your own goddamn bed.”

“Chris,” he sounded so dejected I almost felt my resolve slipping, “please don’t do this.”

It would be so easy to let him back in but after all the trouble I’d gone to I knew I needed to stick to my guns, so I took a deep breath as I steeled myself for a fight. “Leave me alone Hikaru.” In the silence that fell I picked up my bento and continued to eat. On the other side of the door I heard Hikaru shift.

“I’m worried about you,” he confessed, the softly spoken words piercing my heart.

“I’m fine,” I told him in a voice that I wished was less shaky, “I don’t need someone watching me twenty-four seven.”

“Yes, you do!” he insisted, and I focused on eating as I listened to Hikaru deviate between demanding I unlock the door and sweetly requesting I just let him in. I quickly realised no response from me got a better rise out of him than any of my goading had and by the time I had finished my dinner silently Hikaru had shouted, kicked the door, sworn loudly enough that I heard him apologising to someone down the hall and finally, _finally_ , he was giving up. “Fine, I’ll leave you alone, just…” I waited, eyes narrowed at the solid door like I could see through it if I tried hard enough. I could picture him standing out there, bowed head leaning against the door in defeat. “If you need me, you know where I am.”

For a moment I actually felt guilty for locking him out. I might not appreciate it but Hikaru seemed to genuinely care for my welfare. As baffling as that was, I couldn’t deny that his words had been tinged with a sadness that didn’t suit him. I was hurting Hikaru already. _Goddamnit_.

I climbed slowly to my feet, picking up my unfinished bento and tipping it into the bin along with the empty can. I had lost my appetite. I knew I should probably just go to bed but suddenly I was afraid to sleep. Slumping to the floor I let the tears I had been holding back fall, feeling the sobs wrench painfully in my chest. I was a horrible human being. I should never have come back here. My phone buzzed loudly, the vibrations from where it was pinned between my thigh and the floor surprising me enough snap me back to reality. I fumbled to extract it, eyes squinting to read the caller display as it continued to silently ring. I picked it up on speaker, letting it slide from my fingers until it clattered to the floor by my head, curling onto my side as Hikaru’s voice echoed around me.

“Can we talk?” he asked, and in the silence that fell I concentrated on taking a few deep breaths.

“What do you want to talk about?” I managed to ask, without my voice wavering this time. O _ne small victory_ , I thought as I waited for his response.  

“I’m worried I upset you,” he said, and I could hear the hesitance in his voice. The fears that he hadn’t voiced yet were left unsaid but I could feel their intent. I’d locked him out and he was frightened he wouldn’t be able to save me again. “I guess I just wanted to apologise,” he finished abruptly, and in spite of everything I almost laughed.

“Apologise for what?” I said nastily, “You don’t owe me an apology Hikaru, you don’t owe me _anything_ —“

“Chris,” he cut me off gently and I let the words die on my lips. “Please. I’m sorry.”

“Fine,” I spat out, pushing up to my hands as knees as I glared down at my phone. “Apology accepted. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.” I should have hung up, but instead I lay there listening to the silence from the other end and hating myself more with every passing second.

“What did I do?” he asked softly, and the pain bleeding through in his voice was heartbreaking.

“Nothing.” I heaved a sigh, craning my neck to see the picture I’d set on my phone. Hikaru’s smiling face, caught off guard at Aomori lit up my screen, a sharp contrast to the way he sounded when he continued.

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing. If I’ve upset you then I want to make it right,” he insisted as I closed my eyes. The floor tile had been cold but was quickly warming where it pressed against my cheek. The line fell silent again as I tried to fight the urge to say something that would no doubt have Hikaru back at the door.

“I’m not jealous.” The words were an obvious lie, and not what I had intended to say at all. I hated how I sounded like I was sulking, but when it prompted a chuckle from the other end of the line I didn’t take it back.

“Of course you’re not,” he said, and the hint of sarcasm was doing nothing to hide his obvious relief as he realised what the problem was. I could perfectly picture his smirking face. “What have you got to be jealous about?” My stomach was in knots as I waited in silence for him to continue. “Chris?” I had been hoping he would continue the conversation without my participation but apparently that wasn’t going to happen.

“What?” I asked, managing to make it sound like he was being a terrible inconvenience. Why couldn’t he just reassure me without my input? I would have been much happier to just listen to him than have to keep trying to pretend I wasn’t breaking into pieces on the kitchen floor.

“I love you.”

Or not. I was definitely not ready to tackle this again and I let the silence continue, unable to form a response before he spoke up again.

“Chris, I’m in love with—“

“I heard you the first time,” I said quickly, cutting him off but making no further response.

“Do you love me?” he asked quietly, and like the coward I was I quickly ended the call. Retrieving the last can from the fridge and cracking it open, I looked back at where my phone lay abandoned on the tiles, screen black and disappointingly silent where I left it.

 _Well that was woefully insufficient_ , I thought as I tipped the last of the liquid down my throat. _Good thing I bought this._ I extracted a bottle of whisky from the back of a cupboard and found a glass to drink it from. Splashing roughly a shot worth of the cheap liquor into the tumbler I knocked it back in one go, nearly gagging as the warm liquid burnt down my throat. The taste was awful but if it did its job I didn’t care. With the bottle in one hand and my empty glass in the other I slid back down to the floor, pulling my phone closer and swiping it open to stare at my call log.

 _If he phones back, I’ll pick up_ , I decided as I clumsily unscrewed the cap again. It slipped from my fingers as it came loose, rolling across the floor in a slow, wide arc before stopping against the kickboard. Even with my leg stretched out as far as I could reach the cap was still beyond me, so with a shrug I gave up and poured another measure into my glass. On the floor my phone continued to stay unacceptably silent.

My second shot had burnt less than the first, and I could tell the warm, floaty feeling wasn’t far away. Rather than trying to chase it with a third shot, I retrieved my phone and swiped it open to read the call log again.

It was mildly concerning how much I wanted Hikaru to phone back.

_“I’m in love with you.”_

The warm, floaty feeling was hitting me now, although how much of it was the drink and how much was the memory of Hikaru’s voice was impossible to tell. Slumped against the wall, I gripped my phone so tightly my knuckles stood out white.

I could call him.

But what would I say?

I was craving selfish things: to hear his confessions without having to make any of my own. It wasn’t fair but it was still what I wanted. My finger hovered over the message as the screen dimmed, my mind not fully made up as I debated whether I was going to call him back or not.

The phone fell asleep again as I hesitated, and I let my head bang against the wall as I berated myself. I was being ridiculous. I finally had what I had wanted to achieve. Hikaru was leaving me alone and instead of being grateful I just–

“Miss him,” I said aloud, my own voice startling me in the silence of my apartment. It was the truth, I missed him. I missed being with him. I had come to depend on the way Hikaru would take me apart and put me back together again. I needed the reassurance that his presence provided. I wanted to touch, be touched. As my thoughts turned this way I felt the stirrings of desire. It would be so easy to seek him out, to turn up on his doorstep the way I had so many times before. Hikaru would welcome me, invite me in and lead me to the bedroom and give me exactly what I needed.

Or maybe he wouldn’t.

I might have ruined everything now. The blood had rushed to my groin as I palmed over my cock, rubbing myself through the fabric of my pants and wishing that it was Hikaru’s hand touching me now. He might not want anything to do with me anymore, otherwise wouldn’t he have called again? Each brush of my fingers over the dick straining in my pants was torture as I considered that Hikaru might never touch me like this again, and I only had myself to blame. I had rejected him, why would he still want me now?

My phone had already slipped from my fingers, clattering to the tiles as I fumbled to undo the fly of my pants. My eyes had drifted closed as I closed my hand around my cock, a small sigh of relief passing my lips as some of the tension was eased. This wasn’t what I wanted, but as I teased the tip, pinching and rolling the foreskin gently I knew this was the best I was going to get.

Unless I called Hikaru.

I squeezed around my cock, tugging down on the shaft as my eyes fell on my abandoned phone. I could call Hikaru and apologise for being such a jerk. Maybe he’d forgive me. Maybe he’d come over and blow me. Maybe I could bend him over the sofa and fuck him until I passed out.

It was too late to change my mind now. I had pulled up the log, hitting the last call and watching Hikaru’s image fill the screen again as I continued to slowly tease myself.

“Hey,” Hikaru picked up on the second ring, his voice carrying just a touch of surprise that showed over the uneven waver, the unmistakable cadence of someone who had just been crying.

“I want you.” It was a terrible opener, and in my breathy voice it sounded positively filthy, but when Hikaru replied at least his voice sounded steadier, his usual confidence coming over the line.

“Oh really?” I could practically hear the eyebrow arch, the thought of his dryly amused face floating to the surface of my mind as I tried to elicit a response a little closer to what I was currently feeling.

“All the time.”

“Then why did you kick me out?” This was not the response I was looking for. It was a legitimate question, asked with a touch of curiosity and his apparent complete lack of understanding regarding the situation was becoming harder to bear.

“Chris?” he asked in the silence that had fallen, and I couldn’t help the soft moan that fell unbidden at the sound of him calling my name. “Have you been drinking again?” His voice carried a touch of disapproval this time. It didn’t seem like he’d picked up on what was happening and my fist was warm and dry around my cock and I wished it was hot and wet.

“Want to be inside you.” There could be no mistaking the situation now; the moan that had slipped out followed by my breathy pants left no room for interpretation and I heard his sharp intake of breath.

“ _Chris,”_ he moaned, dragging out the syllables of my name. _“_ You’re _killing me_.” I couldn’t help another moan at the obvious need as he called my name. “I’m coming over.”

“No.”

“Chris, _please_.”

“Just…talk to me.”

“Chris, I’m literally next door.”

“Touch yourself.”

“ _No_ , Chris, just let me come over there and—“

“Please Hikaru.”

“…God damn it Chris, why are you shutting me out?”

“I want you on me, riding my dick,” I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore, the words just keep coming as I felt myself losing control. “You look so good riding my dick.” Hikaru sighed, the long-suffering drawn-out sigh of the defeated and I heard the rustling of sheets. “Hikaru?”

“I’m here.” It sounded like he’d put me on speaker; his voice was coming from further away and I slowed my movements as I waited for him to return. The all-too familiar sound of a cap being flicked open came over the line and I bit my lip as I pictured Hikaru kneeling naked on his bed and pouring lube onto his fingers.  “I wish you were, too,” he added, his tone turned sultry and I resumed the slide of my hand as I listened to the soft, wet sounds of Hikaru touching himself.

“Does it feel good baby?” I asked mindlessly, forehead pressed into the crook of my arm as I bucked into my own hand.

“Mhh, not as good as you,” Hikaru was quick to reply, the pleasant hum of his words going straight to my throbbing cock as I squeezed down hard, staving off my release because I _needed_ Hikaru to come first.

“You’re so good, so good for me,” I told him as I gave myself one slow, torturous pump. “Bet you’re so hot for me too.”

“Yes,”

“Wanna hear you come. Wanna feel you on my cock when you come so hard,”

“God, Chris.”

“Let me hear you.”

“Please Chris, please, please, please,” he begged desperately, the words muffled at first before there was the crackle of a scratch over the mic and his voice come through loud and clear, each softly panted breath a tingle down my spine. “Please just come over. I’m so ready. So, so ready,”

It would be so easy to give in, to just go and knock on his door and not worry about the consequences because he was begging me and–

“..ok.” The word was said so quietly that I didn’t think he’d even hear me, but as soon as I said it a silence fell. No more hitched breath or soft panting, just silence before a furious scuffling.

“I’m unlocking the door.” Hikaru’s voice was already coming from a distance and my head snapped up in disbelief, mind furiously processing what had just happened.

Hikaru was unlocking the door.

Hikaru still wanted me.

I struggled upright, tugging my shirt down to cover the way my pants gaped open, a fistful of fabric holding them up as I shuffled to the door.

Snagging my keys as I passed the bench and thrusting them into my pocket I quickly opened my door, pulling the dead bolted door closed behind me before taking awkward, shuffling steps to the end of the hall and the sliver of light illuminating the carpet from Hikaru’s slightly ajar door.

The crack widened as I reached it, Hikaru’s flushed face coming into view for a moment before he pulled me inside with a handful of my shirt, our lips crashing together in a mess of teeth and tongues. It wasn’t hard to gain the upper hand as Hikaru tried to close the door behind us, as while he was distracted I sank to my knees, his cock hard and begging to be touched as I pressed my face close to mouth gently at him.

The soft gasp from somewhere above my head was just audible over the click of the door locking, and moments later fingers were curling in my hair as I slid his hard length between my lips. The sharp chemical taste of the lube tickled my tongue and I resisted the urge to pull away.

I could feel how weak Hikaru was for me, the legs pressed against my chest were trembling as his hands slipped to my shoulders, pushing down for support as he struggled to stay upright. I closed my eyes and sucked mercilessly, tilting my head up to rub his sensitive tip on the roof of my mouth and I was rewarded with a shudder that almost brought him tumbling down on top of me.

“Please, Chris,” he begged again, and I slowly pulled off, covering him instead with my hand as I stroked his length firmly. “Please, I want to feel you too.”

With a final open-mouthed kiss I climbed unsteadily to my feet, walking us backwards to the sofa until it hit the back of Hikaru’s knees and he tumbled over the armrest.

I watched the surprise on his face, feeling the amusement twitch at my lips as he gave up struggling and just lay back on the cushions. His chest was heaving, his breaths uneven as he reached up to push his hair out of his face. Naked and shivering with a light sheen of sweat, his legs hooked over the armrest and parting for me in invitation he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

“See something you like?” he said coyly, one knee bending to plant a foot on the armrest as I closed the last distance, nudging his knees further apart as I stepped in between his legs.

“You look so goddamn fuckable.” My reply was automatic and unfiltered, my brain off the hook as I ran my mouth at him. I caught the flash of hesitation cross his face but before he could react further I had slid a hand under his knee, pushing him further down the cushions until I could climb onto the sofa with him.  “Are you ready for me?” I asked, one arm still hooked behind his knee, holding his leg out of the way as I thumbed at him. It was a rhetorical question at this point; I could feel how soft he was, my thumb sliding into him easily, already slick with lube.

“Gonna feel so good,” I murmured, shuffling closer on my knees as I lined myself up and let just the tip press against his entrance, watching the changes as they flashes across his face. The hesitation was gone, it was just lust and anticipation now.

“More,” he demanded, reaching for me and pulling me closer, “please, Chris, I want all of you.”

With a sigh I let him pull me down, one hand sliding down between the sofa and his still heaving chest to take my weight as I leaned down to kiss him again, using the new angle to cant my hips so that I slid further into him.

“Yes,” his soft cry of victory was whispered against my lips and I felt his hands sliding around me, settling over my shoulder blades as he pulled me closer. “Chris,” I had turned my head as I began to fuck into him, my own breathing becoming uneven as the sensations started to pull me towards the edge. Hikaru was kissing my cheek bone, my ear, lips whispering against the soft skin of my neck as he pressed his nose into my hair. “I love you.”

_Shut up_

“I love you, Chris.”

_No, shut up! You’re ruining it._

“Chris-ch—“  

With a cry of frustration I turned to shut him up the only way I knew how, by giving his tongue something else to do instead of wag unnecessarily. He was still trying to soften it with long, slow licks but I moved back until I broke the contact, using his moment of surprise to take control as I kissed him again, sucking his tongue into my mouth this time and shifting my hips so that I was driving into him harder.

My ploy worked, and every moan Hikaru made I swallowed as he came apart under me. I could feel l was so close, just riding the edge and Hikaru’s hand smoothed down my side, my skin flaring under his touch and I slid my hand under his shoulder to pull him closer as I broke inside him, my rhythm stuttering as I came undone.

I could feel the pulse of Hikaru’s release as his walls gripped me moments before the heat of his seed spilt between us. I felt all the tension drain out of me and as I crushed Hikaru into the cushions I realised just how drunk I really was. My shirt was turning cold and sticky where it was stuck to my skin and my pants were still loose around my ankles. Hikaru didn’t seem to mind any of this; his face was pressed into my neck and the arms around me were holding me firmly in place.

Despite how tempting it was to just fall asleep here, or even to roll off and sleep on the floor I knew I had to get back to the safety of my own apartment. My movements prompted Hikaru to let me go, his hands sliding across my skin as I picked myself up and struggled to my feet. I avoided looking directly at him as I pulled my pants back up, fastening the button to hold them closed and brushing my hand over my pocket a few times, checking for my keys.

“Thanks,” I heard myself say, taking an unsteady step backwards and bumping into the coffee table. The movement of Hikaru sitting up drew my eye and I found myself watching a look of incredulity spreading across his face.

“ _Thanks_?” he repeated, the look in his eyes hardening as his eyebrows drew down into a perfect glare.

I couldn’t speak, tongue-tied from a rush of fear that Hikaru now looked genuinely angry and _oh no_ _this isn’t want I wanted._

“Get out.”

It was harshly spoken and brooked no argument. I wasted no time as I turned and staggered to the door, managing to unlock it and wrench it open before I risked a look back, another mistake in a long line of things I had done wrong today.

My heart lodged in my throat at the sight of Hikaru, hunched over and head buried in his hands and I turned away quickly before I could be sure if I had seen his shoulders shaking or if that was just the drink making me unsteady.

 


	17. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my apology for the lateness; have another chapter.

Chapter 17: Kowaitteru ~ Broken ~壊いてる

_2017_

I stumbled back into bed, soiled clothes flung on the floor as I pulled the covers over my head and tried not to think about how I could still smell Hikaru on my skin. So far I had managed to successfully ignore my niggling doubts that I was using Hikaru but tonight had thrown that into sharp relief.

I knew I was a monster. I didn’t deserve Hikaru. If he hated me now it would be well-deserved.

I curled up under the covers, these thoughts swirling through my mind as I felt the hot sting of tears behind my tightly shut eyelids and as the first sob tore from my throat I wondered why this was happening to me.

## #

_2010_

Kakeru was already down to boxers shorts, stripping off quickly and I was following suit, pulling my shirt over my head and dropping it off the edge of the bed before moving back to recapture his lips. He let me push him down, laying under me as I kissed down his chest. I could feel his heart pounding loudly, an echo of mine as I moved lower. My fingers hesitated as they reached the waistband of his boxers but he raised his hips encouragingly. I offered him a smile as fingers curled under the elastic and pulled them down his legs.

“Your turn,” he whispered, and I pushed my own boxers down my thighs, shifting my weight to slide them free before kneeling once more between his thighs.  I didn’t feel as self-conscious as I’d thought I would being completely naked for the first time in front of someone. I couldn’t stop looking at him as I leaned over to kiss him again. It was strange how I felt vulnerable and powerful at the same time, completely exposed as I straddled his waist for balance as we kissed. I could feel Kakeru’s hand sliding lower, his fingers stretching to wrap around both of us. I couldn’t help the gasp at his hesitant touch, breaking the kiss before he chased my lips to recapture them. I took control again as I pushed him back firmly, trailing kisses down his chest as I shuffled back to straddle his thighs. With a gentle nudge I had parted his legs, rearranging myself to straddle one thigh. I shifted my weight on my knees, feeling my cock rub against his hip as I dragged my hand down to wrap around him.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I confessed breathlessly, sitting up and dragging my fist up to thumb at the head of his cock.

“You’ll work it out,” he replied, stretching to reach for the lube I had bravely purchased earlier. “I trust you,” he said, offering it to me on his outstretched palm. With shaking fingers I grasped the tube, not able to open it on the first try and having to take a deep breath before I could pry the cap open. I squeezed a small amount onto my palm, feeling completely overwhelmed and out of my depth. I looked up, expecting Kakeru to be watching but he had closed his eyes, complete faith in me to manage now that we’d come this far. I felt courage swell my chest, squeezing out more lube before flicking the cap closed and shuffling further back.

“This feels kinda cold,” I warned him, dipping my fingers in the clear gel and rubbing them together nervously.

“Ok,” Kakeru acknowledged, leg shifting between my thighs as he parted his legs further for me. With a deep steadying breath I reached down, hesitantly touching him with my slippery fingers and feeling him flinch at the cold touch.

“Sorry!” I whispered, cringing as my eyes darted up to his face. His eyes were still closed, the only sign of his nervousness betrayed in the fists balled at his sides.

“No, it’s ok. You were right; it’s cold.” He laughed nervously, a quiet chuckle that eased some of the tension in my limbs as I reached for him again. My touch was less hesitant this time, fingers sliding between his legs to stroke him gently.

“That feels nice,” he said, and I raised my eyes again, meeting his gaze this time as he looked up at me. I smiled, trying to cover my nervousness as I brushed slick fingers over the puckered ring of muscle I knew I was going to have to breach at some point.

“I’m scared,” I admitted. “I don’t want to hurt you.” He smiled softly, hands reaching for me to pull me down to the bed.

“You won’t. Come here,” he urged, guiding me to lie next to him as we stretched out to face each other. He hooked his leg over my hip, heel pressing into the back of my thigh as he guided my hand back between his legs. “Just one to start, ok?” he said, letting go of my hand so that he could hold my shoulder, pressing his lips to mine and sucking my tongue as I kissed him back. I let my finger slide down, holding it against his entrance and feeling the muscle twitch as I let just the tip press into him. I felt him react, body tensing for a split second before he relaxed again and he kept kissing, moving along my jaw until he could kiss my earlobe.

“You can go deeper than that Christian.” His breathy whisper sent a jolt of desire through me and he chuckled in my ear before he sucked on my earlobe and I proved him right. I pushed deeper, amazed at how hot it felt and both wanting to feel more and not move at all so I didn’t hurt him.

“You’re ok?” I asked hesitantly, wrist stiff as I held as still as possible.

“I’m fine. Its fine,” he reassured me, rocking his hips forward slowly to push me deeper.

“Does it feel good?” I asked, curling the tip of my finger as I marvelled at how soft it felt.

“It feels…strange,” he admitted, wiggling on my finger before he gasped and gripped me tightly.

“Sorry!” I cried, pulling out immediately as he moaned into my neck.

“No! Do it again!” he ordered me, shifting against me as I tried to find my way back. I slid in easier this time, pushing deep and repeating my earlier actions until the pad of my finger pressed against a bump. Kakeru was twitching in my arms again. “ _That_ feels good!” he gasped, and I tried to keep rubbing against it as I began to move my finger in and out. I knew realistically that I was going to need more than one finger if I wanted to fit anything larger in there and as I slid my finger out I pressed the tip of a second against him.

“Should I…?” I asked hesitantly as he held my face and kissed me on the lips again.

“Yes please,” he murmured between kisses and moaned into my open mouth when I pushed both in. He was stretched tighter around me now and I held still as I felt him tense up again.

“Does it hurt?” I pulled back to ask worriedly but he chased my lips, sucking on my bottom lip before he answered.

“Not yet.” He rocked his hips again, encouraging me to move and I took up the slow slide again as I curled my fingers into his soft walls.

“You feel so soft inside,” I whispered in awe, beyond feeling embarrassment as I found the spot that caused Kakeru to make tiny, whimpering noises every time I touched it. I could feel him relaxing around me as I scissored my fingers, testing the stretch of the muscle and trying to work out how much more I needed to stretch him. Kakeru was rocking his hips on my fingers, bracing himself with a hand on my shoulder but the hand was slipping lower now, fingers trailing over my arm and dancing over my stomach to cup over me. I bucked into his palm as he teased me, fingers stroking me softly as I moaned.

“Do you want to try now?” Kakeru asked me, his voice a whisper against my lips.

“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly as I felt his fist curl around me, slowly stroking me in time to the pump of my fingers.

“Yes,” He replied, pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “I want to feel this.” He squeezed down for a second, earning a breathless moan from me as I bucked in his hand.

“Ok,” I told him, sliding my fingers free and shifting closer to kiss him again. “But if it hurts we stop.”  Kakeru volunteered to prepare the condom and I kneeled in front of him, his face a mask of concentration as he pinched the tip the way the instructions had told him to and placed it over my cock, rolling it down carefully. It glowed the faintest green and I grinned stupidly as Kakeru found the lube and slicked some over me, fist gliding exquisitely until I gasped, head dropping back in pleasure. We had discussed how we were going to fit together and had decided that Kakeru was going to go on top, that way he could easily get away if it hurt or he wanted to stop. I reached down to snag my t-shirt off the floor, wiping the lube from my fingers before offering it to him to do the same. He took it, smiling at me reassuringly as I turned to lie back down. I watched in fascination as he rose to his knees and straddled my stomach. His hands were braced on my chest and I reached up to hold his hips as he shuffled backwards.

“Nervous?” I asked, unable to keep the grin from my face as he looked at me.

“Excited,” he replied confidently, sitting up and reaching down to hold my sheathed cock steady with one hand while the other slipped between his legs to hold himself open. He slowly lowered until I could feel the tip of me brush against him. The contact sent a thrill of pleasure through me and I couldn’t help thinking about how the soft heat I had felt before would soon be surrounding my cock. He sunk half an inch lower and I felt the resistance of my blunt tip press against him for a few seconds and then suddenly I was in him, stretching him wide around my cock. My hands had just been lightly resting on his hips for support but as I felt the heat envelope me I gripped him tighter. The hissing intake of breath surprised me and I tried to pull Kakeru up.

“Stop. It’s hurting you,” I said immediately, but he shook his head at me.

“It’s not hurting, just…gimme a sec,” he said, eyes squeezed shut as his hands dropped to my chest again to balance.  After a few agonising seconds of waiting he finally opened his eyes and looked at me.

“Ok, slowly.” I held perfectly still as he sunk down another inch before stopping again.

“We don’t have to,” I offered after a few seconds, which prompted him to shoot me a haughty look.

“Shut up Christian,” he said, slapping his palm lightly on my chest. “This would be so much easier if your dick wasn’t so big.” I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of me until the sensation of him sliding down further caused it to turn into a strangled gasp. Kakeru wore a look of smug satisfaction and he seemed to be okay, sinking even lower with a deep sigh. I rubbed my hands comfortingly up his sides, trying to convey without words that he shouldn’t push himself. He closed the last distance and I let my eyes close as the feeling of being connected to Kakeru like this washed over me. It was overwhelming and I kept smoothing my hands over him, up his sides and down his back, trying to find something to ground me so I didn’t lose myself in the incredible heat.

“Okay, I think you can move now,” Kakeru said softly as his hands slid up my chest to grip my shoulders. I moved cautiously, a gentle buck of my hips to check his reaction which to my surprise was a laugh.

“You’re not going to break me, Christian,” he chuckled, and I frowned up at him.

“How do you know?” I pouted, but the look was wiped from my face as he rose up and slid back down until, sheathing me in his wet heat. “ _Fuck_!” I was trying to be quiet but he was making it impossible as he set a torturous pace. It felt like I was getting deeper every time and I was clinging on to his hips, fingers digging into flesh for support. “It feels so good. Kakeru,” my hands slid up around him as he lowered himself so we were chest to chest, “you feel so good.” Now that his weight wasn’t pinning my hips to the bed I could move more freely and I started to buck into him as I pulled him closer. I had pressed my lips to his throat, his pulse jumping against my tongue as I licked the sweat from his skin.

“Is it okay?” I asked, and I felt him nod in response. “Words, Kakeru,” I slowed the pace to a halt and Kakeru’s fingers dug in to my shoulders.

“No, keep going, that’s- yes! _There_.” I had resumed the slide of my hips and as Kakeru sighed happily into my ear as I felt my release draw closer.

“’m’so close already,” I moaned into his ear. “It’s too good, you feel so-mmh! _Fuck_!” I managed to gasp out, hands returning to his hips as I felt myself break and spill inside him. He clung to me as I jerked beneath him and I felt all the tension leave my body as I fell back to the mattress. My softening cock started to slip out and I reached down to hold the condom on as I pulled out. Taking a deep breath to steady my racing heart I shuffled out from under him. “Lie down,” I whispered, and I was pleased that he complied without complaint.

I settled myself between his bent knees, hands sliding down his thighs as I lowered myself to his dripping cock. I licked the precome from the shaft, one hand holding him steady as the other sunk lower. With a slide of my fingers I had replaced my cock, rubbing against the place that made Kakeru tremble as I took him in my mouth. It didn’t take long to bring him over the edge and soon he was spilling over my tongue, his fingers twisting through my hair as I swallowed around him. I could feel him clenching around my fingers as he rode out his release and when I pulled back it was with a smile.

“How was that?” I asked as I collapsed next to him.

“Incredible,” he replied when he’d caught his breath, and he rolled over to press his warm body against mine.

“Not bad for our first time,” I agreed as I snuggled into him.

“Christian.” I opened my eyes, shifting back so that we could see each other as he reached for my hand. I spread my fingers so he could fit his hand with mine and he pulled our joined hands to his chest. “I love you,” he whispered, and I felt my heart soar as he put into words the impossibly happy feeling settling in my chest as I whispered back,

“I love you, too.”

## #

_2017_

By the time the sound of my alarm finally woke me I knew I was doomed to be late today. Sleep had evaded me for hours and while I recalled that Kakeru had featured in my dreams, I felt unsettled that towards the end it had been Hikaru’s voice whispering to me as he held me tight.

_“I love you.”_

I dragged myself from bed with difficulty, washing away my guilt and regret under water hot enough to scald my skin pink. By the time I was dressed and locking my door behind me I was already over today and any trials it might throw at me.

I was expecting some kind of retaliation for my stunt with the changing locks, but as I approached the elevator and spotted Hikaru standing with his arms crossed, pointedly staring at the numbers as they glowed in a slow approach to our level, it occurred to me that my further actions last night might have really done the trick.

“Morning,” I offered tentatively as I reached him, but his only response was to turn his head further away, arms still crossed defensively.

That was fair. Of course Hikaru was mad at me.

The elevator’s arrival broke the silence and the doors slid open, the car blessedly empty. Hikaru had made no move to approach it and I stepped past him, turning around to fix him with a questioning look but all I was met with was cold indifference. I swallowed nervously, feeling apprehensive as he failed to make any response, and the doors automatically started to close. I watched helplessly as they shut, Hikaru making no move to stop them. The car jerked into movement, carrying me downwards and away from Hikaru and his silent refusal to ride with me. I wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or depressed but as I reflected on the hurt and angry look on his face, I settled for an uncomfortable mix of the two.

## #

Nearly a week had gone by since the disaster and I felt like I hadn’t had a moment’s peace since. I had thought I wanted Hikaru out of my life but my sleepless nights and torturous days were proving me wrong. While I had got my wish: Hikaru was no longer invading my personal space, he was certainly not letting me forget him. Despite my determination to prove if only to myself that I was absolutely _not_ jealous of Reina, it was getting harder to keep up my disinterested demeanour as Hikaru paraded around the set with his co-star. Everywhere I looked he was hanging off her, seemingly taking every opportunity to make me suffer. Of course, all of this was in between acting like a child. Hikaru’s attitude had been at an all-time low; even Yuuka was avoiding him these days. Filming had commenced and every day had been far too long; schedules were stretching into the night and tempers were flaring as Hikaru butted heads with everyone on set.

“He thinks he’s irreplaceable!” The director was shouting, a common complaint that I had been hearing all week. I bowed deeply and apologised again for Hikaru’s latest behaviour; he’d just stormed off in the middle of a take after refusing to read the new lines as directed. “But you can tell him,” the director continued his tirade, his face slowly turning red as he brandished a rolled-up script in one hand. “One more stunt like that and he’s _out_!” This was getting out of hand. While Hikaru had been in trouble for his attitude problems before, as far as I was aware he’d never actually lost work over it. As much as I dreaded facing him I knew I needed to do something to fix this mess I’d made before I ruined his career for good. I murmured what I hoped was what the irate director wanted to hear, assuring him that I would go and find Hikaru and talk some sense into him. He made a sound of annoyance, clicking his tongue like he didn’t quite believe I was up to the task. Not that I could blame him; _I_ didn’t think I was up to the task. “We’ll wrap for today. Tell him to get back here tomorrow with a better attitude.” I bowed again, clipboard clutched to my chest as I hurried off to chase my volatile idol.

Hikaru and I had barely exchanged words since the incident and miraculously I had avoided being alone with him since that first awkward morning after. But it looked like my free ride was over now.  Someone was going to have to talk him down from his current mood before he ended up with a terminated contract and I didn’t think it was too conceited to assume that I was the only one who stood a chance at making this right.

“Hikaru-san?” I called hesitantly, knocking softly at the door of his on-set dressing room. A young AD was hurrying down the hall and I returned their sympathetic smile. They had been a witness to the Director tearing into me earlier and I appreciated their show of solidarity. Feeling a small spark of courage I knocked a little louder as I called again. “Hikaru-san? Are you in here?” The door was flung open and I only had a moment to take in Hikaru, half undressed and looking fuming mad before he grabbed my shirt and yanked me into the room. I stumbled, the clipboard I’d been carrying clattering to the ground as Hikaru slammed the door shut and turned the lock, the loud click echoing in the sudden silence.

“It’s Hikaru _san_ again, is it?” he asked, the furious tone of his voice making me swallow nervously as he turned his back to me, roughly yanking at the ties that held his costume together.

“You know it’s just for show,” I said weakly. “Just while we’re on set; this isn’t like the agency.”   

He was down to the white under-clothes of his costume and I watched as he impatiently wrenched it open, pulling it down his shoulders and tossing it aside. “Yes, I realise that,” he said coldly. “ _Thanks_ for pointing that out, Chris-chan,” he tossed angrily over his shoulder. I couldn’t help staring as he spun around to face me, clad only in boxer shorts now and still glaring mad. His hair was caught up in a ponytail and he took out the elastic holding it, shaking it out and shoving it out of his face. “But that’s not the only change lately though, is it?” he continued, still shaking with anger as he stalked closer. I stood rooted to the spot, watching helplessly as he reached out to grab fistfuls of my shirt, pulling himself higher to brush his lips against mine and I felt my defences weaken under his attack. “You’re ignoring me,” he whispered, lips fluttering over my cheek as he leant in. “You don’t look at me anymore,” I gasped as he sucked on my earlobe, teeth grazing gently before he was moving lower to kiss down my throat. “I miss you,” he whispered, voice heavy with a longing that sent a shockwave of desire through me.

“Is this why you’ve been acting like a spoilt brat?” I asked, disbelief edging into my voice as I tried to ignore my arousal. “You’re horny?”

He growled in frustration, moving back to fist his hands in my shirt as he shook me. “I’m not a fucking hormonal teenager anymore!” he all but shouted at me. “I’m _in love with you_!” My shirt was still bunched in his clenched fists, and he had punctuated his declaration by shaking me with each clearly enounced word.

“I don’t—“ I started to say, but he cut me off as he turned away.

“I know, _‘you don’t’_ , and that’s _fine_ ,” he seethed unconvincingly, grabbing his shirt from where it was draped over the back of a chair. He pulled it on roughly, fingers slipping on the buttons as his outburst continued. “It’s just hard when I have to watch you flirting with that dumb assistant every day, _ignoring_ me—“

“ _I’m_ flirting?” I interjected incredulously. “This coming from Mr. ‘Oh Reina, you have something in your hair, here, let _me_ ’.”  

His bark of laughter had been unexpected, and I looked up to see that Hikaru had his back to me as he buttoned up his jeans but by the shake of his shoulders he looked suspiciously amused. As I watched he turned to look over his shoulder, an accusatory tone in his voice as he commented, “But you are ignoring me.” I sighed, crouching to pick up my abandoned clipboard and straightening the papers as I stalled.

“It hurts,” I admitted quietly, eyes fixed on the schedule to avoid him as I saw from the corner of my eye him walk back towards me. “I avoid you because it hurts how much I want to be around you.”

My confession pulled him up short and I watched as he clutched at his hair, a look of disbelief plastered across his face. “If you want too then _why are you resisting_?” he demanded incredulously.  “Why?” he asked again, softer this time as he stepped closer. I let him hug me, his arms sliding around my waist. All the anger was draining out of his as I let him hold me, ignoring his question as I held my arms stiffly at my sides. It was impossible to answer him when I felt so conflicted myself.

“You’re done for the day,” I finally pushed him back, gently disengaging from him before turning to unlock the door again. “Finish getting dressed and I’ll take you home.”

## #

It seemed that we had reached a truce. I still had the same misgivings about letting Hikaru in my life but his words were echoing in my mind and it was impossible to ignore the tight feeling in my chest that squeezed my heart every time I heard him say those words.

_I’m in love with you._

Hikaru was unusually quiet for the trip back to our apartment building, but I was grateful that he left me to my thoughts. I had no idea how to proceed now that he’d said it again. Ignoring him clearly wasn’t working but I needed more time.

Too soon we were pulling up outside our shared apartment building. I paid the driver, climbing out behind Hikaru to find him walking up the street away from the doors.

“Where are you going?”

“Drinks,” he called back, turning to toss his keys at me. “I’ll see you upstairs.” I let myself in to Hikaru’s apartment with a feeling a trepidation. My avoidance of Hikaru was necessary. I knew I felt more for him than just a lust for the body that reminded me so much of Kakeru. Hikaru was unpredictable and I didn’t always understand him but now that I knew him better I could see the warmth he was hiding beneath the cold exterior.

I looked around the living room while I waited, struck that it didn’t contain any personal effects. There were no photos on the shelves, no half-read books lying around. It was as empty as a hotel room. I wondered if he’d recently moved in like me.

Sinking down onto the sofa I pulled up my sleeve to see the bandage below. I had cut my stitches myself yesterday; I hated hospitals and there was no way I was subjecting myself to one again for something anyone could do with a pair of scissors. I had just finished unwrapping the bandage when the door opened and Hikaru walked in, his “ _I’m home_ ” dying on his lips when he caught sight of my bared wrist.

“What are you doing?” he called as he rushed forward, bags left by the door as he tripped up the step.

“Nothing.” I held my hands up innocently, bandage gathered loosely in my right hand as I gestured to my wrist. “Just checking how its healing.” I saw his shoulders sag in a visible show of relief, stepping back down and toeing off his shoes before snatching up the bags and depositing them on the coffee table.

“Right.” He sighed deeply, chest rising and falling with the effort before he shook his head suddenly.  “That’s fine then.” He cracked open a can and took a long drink and I watched his throat as he swallowed it down. “Goddamn I needed that!” he said with another sigh, sinking down next to me and putting his feet up on the table. “Help yourself.” He waved his can towards the bags and as I pulled one out I murmured a “thanks” that I noticed made his shoulders square as he turned just a fraction away from me.

“What’s the occasion?” I asked, trying to distract him now that we finally seemed to be on speaking terms again. I cracked open my drink, taking a small sip to test the flavour. It was fruity, one of those seasonal beers that came out every year, and I turned the can to see the depiction of sakura decorating the side.

“The occasion is ‘I officially no longer give a shit’,” Hikaru announced, slumping down until he was practically lying on the sofa.

“About what?” I asked, genuinely curious although I doubted he was being sincere.

“About anything,” he said. “Work. Love. Life. I don’t fucking care anymore.” I watched as he tilted the can to his lips again, throat working as he swallowed another gulp.

 _Liar_ , I thought to myself. _You care too much and that’s your problem,_ but out loud all I said was “I’m sorry.”

“You should be,” he huffed irritably between sips. “It’s your fault.”

“ _My_ fault? How is it my fault?” I asked indignantly. Everyone knew Hikaru had been a mess for at least half a year before my arrival; there was no way he could pin his downward spiral on me. With my eyes trained on the back of his head I watched his shoulders rise and fall in a sigh before he leaned forward to rest his drink on the table. Holding perfectly still, I let him lean up against me, fitting himself into my side as his hand snaked around my waist.

“I want to just hate you but I can’t,” he confessed quietly, voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” I drained the last of my drink for something to do, focusing on the cool liquid as I poured it down my throat. Hikaru was a flash of heat where he was pressing against me, my skin on fire everywhere we touched.

“I’m broken, Hikaru.” The words were supposed to be a warning but it came out sounding more like a plea as I sank back on the sofa, eyes closing as I felt Hikaru move beside me. The can was gently pried from my hand, I heard him place it on the coffee table before his warm weight was straddling me.

“Then let me fix you,” he breathed softly. I kept my eyes closed; concentrating on breathing slowly and evenly as I let him press tender kisses to my cheeks, my forehead, my nose. “Tell me what you need.” His fingers were trailing through my hair, tilting my head back as he kissed down my throat. “Please, Chris?” He was everywhere, surrounding my senses and I had to ball my hands into fists to stop myself from touching him. “I’ll do anything.” Teeth grazed over my pulse before he moved back up to lick the shell of my ear.  “Whatever you want.”  He sucked on my earlobe, pulling a moan from me I couldn’t supress.

_“I’m yours.”_

The breathy declaration whispered in my ear was too much to resist. With a cry I gripped his shoulders, pushing him back to crash my lips into his. I had felt him tense when I first pushed him away but as soon as he realised I wasn’t trying to get rid of him he had relaxed again, melting into the kiss, his tongue sliding into my mouth to taste me even as I did the same. I felt hot, far too hot, and welcomed the hands that were quickly unbuttoning my shirt. I tried to return the favour, getting almost half of his buttons before pausing to shrug out of my own shirt. Hikaru swiftly undid the rest and as soon as his chest was bared I swooped down, lips trailing kisses until I reached his nipple and sucked, teasing the nub with my tongue until it was firm and erect. Hikaru was putty in my hands, soft and pliant as I moved him in my lap to repeat my actions on the other side, thumbing over the first nipple and relishing the soft noises he made. His shirt was caught on his arms as he clung to me and it was a reminder that we were still wearing far too much clothing. Pushing his arms away I yanked the fabric down to his wrists, hurling the offending item away before pulling him back to me. I felt him arch into my touch, pressing back into my hands as they smoothed up his spine and he ground his hips down on my straining erection. His hands were working at his belt now, the pressure lifting as he rose to his knees to undo his fly and I let him go as he shuffled off me to pull them down, kicking his pants off before he crawled back onto my lap and reclaimed my lips.

“We need—“ I panted between kisses, “—lube.”

“Bedroom,” he replied, hardly pausing as his hands gripped my shoulders and he ground his hips on my still painfully clothed dick.

With a moan of frustration I slid my hands under his thighs, lifting him up as his legs wrapped around me to carry him to his bedroom. I could feel his cock pressing against me and when I dropped him on the bed I followed him down, covering him as I kissed down his chest and stomach until I slid off between his legs. He gasped as I took him in my mouth, thighs tightening around me and his breathy gasps turning to guttural moans as I sucked hard.

“Ch-chris!” his hands reached for me, fingers pulling at my hair as he struggled beneath me. “Wait! Slow down—“ I waited until I felt him surrender, fingers closing around him tightly to cut off his release as I pulled away. Chest heaving, he was looking down at me with moist eyes and for a moment I felt a wave of guilt. Standing up, I quickly started to remove my own pants, the relief of being free from their fabric prison only momentary as I devoured Hikaru with my eyes.

“Lube,” I demanded, holding a hand out impatiently as he scrambled to his knees and reached into the side drawer, bottom waving invitingly as he fished out the tube. I crawled up after him, hands on his hips before he could turn around and pulling him back towards me. “Sit on my face,” I commanded softly, parting his legs as I shuffled my legs between them to lie back on the bed. He offered little resistance, letting me pull him down as I settled my head back and let my breath warm him as I parted his cheeks. “Lower,” I breathed softly, pulling him down the last inch, tongue darting out to lick over him as my hand slipped around his thigh and wrapped around his cock. Every soft whimper and swallowed moan he made went straight to my dick. I was so hard it was almost painful and when Hikaru’s fingers ghosted over it I moaned, letting the sound vibrate against his skin until I heard an echoing noise from him. The touch was gone for a moment, and in the silence I heard the cap click open and then closed again before the tube was gently flung up to land by my shoulder.

Before I could really register what that meant I felt the cool touch of lube-slicked fingers gliding around my cock, coating me before Hikaru closed his fist around me with a squelch between his fingers. He had moved lower, chest pressing against me as he took me in his mouth and started pumping me slowly. It felt so good in his mouth but I knew I wanted more so with trembling fingers I reached for the lube, determined to get him open and ready before he could finish me.

At the first slide of my lube-slicked fingers curling into him I felt him moan around my cock, the sound vibrating through me and causing my hips to jerk under the gentle weight he was exerting on them. I was distracting him, his grip loosening as I stretched the muscle on my scissoring fingers and judging from the way Hikaru was falling against my legs, hand weakly fluttering around my cock as he moaned I was sure he approved. Pushing him further down the bed, I urged him wordlessly to all fours as I continued to massage him open. There was a flash of pain at my wrist as I snaked my hand around his thigh to tease his cock, my still-healing skin rubbing on him as I stroked lightly along his member, fingertips sliding in the gathering precome before closing around him and sliding down to the base. Watching in satisfaction as his hands clawed at the bed sheets I slid the third finger in, curling into his soft walls as I leant over to lean my forehead against the curve of his spine.

“You’re going to feel so good around my cock,” I murmured, ears picking up the whimper in response as he bucked on my fingers. “Do you want me to fuck you now?” I asked, releasing his cock as I smoothed my hand up to grip his hip as I straightened my spine. 

“Yes,” a small voice replied, the word almost lost in the wet sounds I was making as I thrust my fingers into him. Thrilled to oblige I removed my fingers and replaced them with my cock, sliding home with one smooth push until I was pressed flush against the back of his thighs. It took a moment to adjust before I could move, the heat wrapping around me pulling a sigh from deep in my chest as I felt him relax under my hands. With my hands holding his hips I started a steady rhythm, pulling him back onto me as I thrust into him. He quickly found our rhythm and I let my hand wander to find his cock again, wrapping slick fingers around him and pumping in time to our fucking. His shoulders sank even lower to the bed, hands gripping the sheets above his head as he moaned into the mattress.

“Fuck…Chris…” his muffled cries reached my ears, spurring me on as I slid my arm around his waist, hitching his hips higher as I pounded into him faster. My wrist was pressed painfully against his belly, his soft skin dragging at the healing wounds. I tightened my arm around him as I began to lose sense of what was pleasure and what was pain. His cock pulsed in my hand, hot release spilling over his chest and my arm. I had felt him tightening around me, walls squeezing my thrusting cock as I fucked into him faster. I felt my own release coming and I pulled him to me tightly, back arched as I spilled deep in him. Feeling light-headed I swayed against him, almost falling before I caught myself and sank slowly backwards.

I felt the cool air on my cock as it slid free and the shock cleared my head for a moment. Lying down, I noticed that while I felt warm all over my wrist felt particularly hot and it was with some surprise I noticed that there was a smear of red over my lower arm. Hikaru must have noticed at the same time I did because he was urging me to lie back, disappearing and returning with a damp cloth and gently cleaning my wrist to check the damage. I closed my eyes as the cool towel soothed my wrist, letting his words wash over me as he cleaned me up.

“You’ve just opened one; it doesn’t look too bad,” he was saying, wrapping the towel around my wrist before telling me he’d be right back. I was almost asleep by the time he returned, only dimly aware of him talking to me as I felt him cleaning me up. It wasn’t just my wrist; my sleep-heavy limbs registered him wiping my groin, the soft touch on my deflated cock feeling surprisingly more intimate than anything else we had done together. I realised that he must have been doing this all along, every time I passed out in his bed. A wave of affection warmed my heart and it was with this last thought that I drifted off into sleep.

#


	18. I might love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT! Please Read: This chapter begins with a flashback/dream sequence of Christian attempting suicide. While we know he survives, it is incredibly graphic and to quote TV rating warnings it probably “contains scenes which some viewers may find disturbing”.
> 
> If you’re not comfortable reading a suicide attempt, or if at any point you want to Nope The Fuck Away just hit Ctrl F and skip to 2017 to go straight to Chris waking up and having a panic attack. And again, if the panic attack disturbs you please skip it by Ctrl F skipping to “deep breath” when the panicking part is mostly over. Self-care is important! Always put your mental health first, and if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone anon help is always just a phone call away. The Australian Lifeline website even has an online chat service available^^ And of course if you want to tell me I’ve broken your heart then feel free to scream about it in the comments *sings, badly and off key* ~we’re all in this together~

Chapter 18: Suki Kamo ~ I might love you ~ 好きかも

 

 

_2011_

It was dark when I opened my eyes, but that didn’t mean anything. It was always dark in my room these days. I could see light was trying to find its way into my bedroom, the shining outline of my curtains the only indication of the time as I dragged my phone closer. Squinting at the brightness I could see it was about lunchtime. Lunchtime for normal people anyway.

No wonder the house was so quiet. Everyone else must be at work or school. Busy living their lives while mine crumbled around me. I was glad to be left alone. I didn’t know how to be around them anymore. I rubbed at my eyes as I crawled sluggishly from the bed, dragging myself over to my computer to complete my daily ritual.

It had been almost three weeks since the tsunami had hit. When I was awake I trawled through news sites, searching for any info I could find on Ishinomaki. So far the figures were chilling; it had been one of the hardest hit, right on the coast, and the number of people reported missing was climbing every day. 

But first I opened Skype. I checked facebook. I logged in to my email.

There was nothing. There was always nothing. I had cried endlessly at first, barely able to read the text on the screen through my tears as I stayed up sleepless nights hoping, praying, _willing_ Kakeru to send some message that he was safe. I had made endless bargains then, promising a God I didn’t believe in that I would be good, I would do anything they wanted just _make sure Kakeru is safe, please._ But the tears had mostly stopped now, or at least they only came sporadically. I huddled on my computer chair, disappointed once again as I searched and found no sign of Kakeru’s presence online. There was a voice, a niggling doubt in my mind that had been growing louder for days and in the wake of _still no news_ it was getting harder and harder to shut it out.

_Kakeru is dead._

No. I shook my head as I argued with the voice. He isn’t dead, he can’t be dead. 

_He’s dead. You know he’s dead._

No!

_He’s gone._

_He’s already gone._

I slapped my hands over my ears but I could still hear the voice, getting louder as I slid off the chair. My knees rubbed painfully on the carpet as I cowered on the floor, tears I didn’t know I had left leaking down my cheeks as I tried not to listen to the voice chanting over and over again. I had been trying not to think about it. I had heard the whispers from down the hall, voices discussing possibilities in the evening when they thought I was asleep instead of pressed up against my bedroom door, ears straining to hear them as they related their own failed reconnaissance.

That was how I knew that Kakeru’s high school was in chaos; half the student body missing and presumed dead. Many hadn’t made it to the evacuation point and those that had were in shock. Celeste had tried to come and see me, calling through my closed door that she had heard from her host sister and that that was a good sign, but far from cheering me up her news had left me devastated. If anything it only confirmed what the voice had been trying to tell me. Because Kakeru would have contacted me if he was alive.

 _That’s right_ , the voice continued. _He would have messaged if he was alright._

I pushed off the floor weakly, climbing to my feet with the help of the chair and swaying unsteadily as it swivelled in my grasp. I was done.

I had been denying the thought that Kakeru was dead because the possibility had frozen me with fear but I felt myself being seized with a new purpose. I couldn’t bring him back; that much was painfully clear. If there was a god they had remained unmoved by my tears and supplications and so it was time for a new plan.

Kakeru might not be able to come back, but I could go to him.

The thought had been teasing at the edges of my mind, dancing closer as I pushed it back automatically but now I let it come into the light, feeling purpose fill me with a buzz of energy I hadn’t felt since before this mess had started. My legs felt shaky as I opened my bedroom door. I had only left my room to cross the hall to the bathroom for weeks and so to turn the opposite way now felt unnatural.

The house was eerily silent as I padded silently down the carpeted hallway, one hand trailing on the wall for support. I didn’t know what to do. I’d watched enough TV to know there were ways to kill yourself but I had no idea which options might be available to me. The medicine box in the kitchen seemed like a logical place to start, and I tipped it out on the floor to sift through the contents. Amongst the old prescriptions and antiseptics I found a card of paracetamol, a tiny bottle of Ibuprofen and a few tabs of aspirin.  I doubted any of it, even if I took them all, would be enough to hurt me. Why didn’t we have anything more hard-core than basic painkillers?

I slumped back against the kitchen cupboards, wincing at the dull pain as the handle dug into my side. What were my other options? People hung themselves, but presumably those people could tie knots. And don’t even get me started on where I’d find a rope. Bed sheets might work but there was still the matter of tying the kno—

The knife block on the counter caught my eye, half a dozen black handles sticking out invitingly as I blinked and focused on it.

People slit their wrists, didn’t they?

My eyes dropped back to my wrist, hand curled under at my side. I could see the veins, a spider web of blue-green just below the skin.

Would it hurt?

I closed my eyes, the world red behind my eyelids as the noon-day sun streamed in the windows while I considered it. It would probably hurt a lot.  Anyone who’d had a papercut could tell you that. Of _course_ it was going to hurt, but it couldn’t possibly hurt more than I was already hurting. I crawled to my knees, climbing awkwardly to my feet before stumbling over to the knife block.

I needed to see Kakeru again. I didn’t know if this would work, but I was willing to take any chance. Because just sitting here waiting in a world without him was more painful than I could bear. My fingers closed over the smooth handle, surprisingly steady as I drew the knife. I felt strangely disconnected as I saw my reflection in the blade. I barely recognised me, two dark eyes staring out from a pale face under a shock of unwashed hair.

I sank back to my knees, knife cradled carefully in my hands. I was doing this. I gripped the handle in my right hand, less steady now as I pressed the point to my wrist.

The blade slipped as my palm began to sweat. The knife edge was biting into my skin and I hissed at the stinging pain as it drew a thin line of blood. I was chickening out. I could feel my determination slipping away as a spike of fear paralysed me. I was a coward. I was a coward who was never going to see Kakeru again.

_Do it._

But it hurts.

_Do it._

But I don’t want to. Not really. Is there another way?

_This is the only way._

The only way?

_The only way._

I nodded, fresh tears making new tracks as they poured down my cheeks.

“This is the only way.”

With new determination I pressed the knife down harder, hissing through gritted teeth as the sharp blade sunk into my skin. Blood was welling up now, dribbling a trail down the curve of my wrist and beginning a slow _drip-drip-drip_ on the tiles. The tears wouldn’t stop, and as I shook my head and cried they fell, splashing on my wrist and thinning the trail to show my pale skin underneath all the red.

God it hurt so much.

It was getting worse with every passing second. My wrist felt like it was burning, the pain signals telling me to _stop! stop! you’re dying, stop!_

I swallowed, choking on a sob as a fresh wave of tears blurred my vision. I felt helpless as I stared at the mess I had made. I couldn’t even tell how deep I’d cut because the blood was welling up faster now, hiding the edge of the blade that was biting into my flesh.

“It hurts!” I sobbed, letting the blade clatter to the ground as I closed my hand over my wrist. I regretted it instantly as the pain intensified, my wrist throbbing as I squeezed down on the cut I had made. I sank to the floor, head bowed to the cool tiles as I clutched my injury to my chest. I was a failure. I couldn’t even do this properly because all I had to do was drag it across but I was too weak to even do that. I felt sick, like I was going to pass out or throw up. I could see the knife on the floor and it looked obscene, straight out of a horror movie with bright arterial blood oozing from the knife edge onto the sparkling white tiles.

As I sucked in deep breaths the pain was slowly receding, no longer white hot and burning but settling into something deeper as I felt a rush in my head. Everything was spinning and now I was sure I was going to throw up, my hands automatically falling to the floor to catch me as I swayed off balance. My palms slid uselessly against the tile, leaving red smears in their wake as I tried to suck in enough air to fill my lungs but the sick feeling was fading now too, and with a surge of clarity I realised this was my chance. I crawled over to the knife, gripping the handle as I pulled myself upright again. Gingerly I sat back on my heels, finding the cut with the knife edge and pulling it sharply over my wrist before I lost my nerve and my remaining strength. Instantly I regretted it, crying out as it felt like the pain was suddenly turned back on. The knife had slipped from my fingers, skittering away from me as I clutched my bleeding wrist to my chest.

Over the roaring sound in my ears I could hear a crunch of gravel and I slumped back to the floor with the dim realization that my mother’s SUV had pulled up outside. I suddenly noticed that I was wearing the shirt Kakeru had given me and that my blood was probably ruining it. Keys were turning in the front door as I blinked slowly, the tiles cool under my cheek as I felt myself go limp. Kakeru’s shirt was sticking to me wetly as my blood soaked into the fabric. I could hear a rustling sound and a shadow fell over me, my mother’s figure blocking out the light from the window. Shopping bags hit the tiles with a crash and I watched as they toppled over and spilled their contents. Oranges were rolling across the floor, their momentum slowing as they tracked through the pool of blood forming on the tiles.

_“Christian!”_

My mother was kneeling next to me and I wanted to tell her she needed to fix the shirt but I couldn’t get the words out. She was hurting my wrist, one hand clamped tightly over the wound as she tipped her handbag upside down. Old receipts and gum wrappers fluttered down as her planner, wallet, and a box of tic tacs spilt in a mess around us. Her wallet had fallen in the puddle of my blood and the floral fabric was soaking it up like a sponge. From the middle of the debris she grabbed her phone and I watched her swipe it open one-handed.  

“Kakeru,” I managed to slur, blinking up at her like she could fix everything that was wrong. The world was spinning again and I slipped back to the floor. I could feel a pain in my shoulder as my arm twisted, the vice-like grip on my wrist holding tight but it wasn’t enough to pull me back as I fell into darkness.

## #

_2017_

My relief at being awake and free from the nightmare of my memories was short-lived as the familiar feeling of panic seized my chest. I could feel the ghost of pain in my wrist, that deep cut burning in my skin as I clawed back the blankets expecting to see it dripping with blood.

I fought with the blankets, hindered by Hikaru’s arm as I tried to free myself from the confines that felt like they were suffocating me. I could feel the rising panic squeezing my chest and I couldn’t _breathe_.  Every time I tried to suck air back into my lungs I felt my chest shudder with the effort, my gasping breathes echoing in the small room. Nails scrabbled at my wrist, tearing at the small scabbed-over cuts. My fingers slid against something slick like blood and I raked my nails across my skin, like I could rip the wounds off me with enough effort.

“Chris?” Hikaru was stirring, his sleepy voice calling out to me across an ocean of pain.

“Chris!” He sounded worried now, and closer, and I was being pulled under again. I felt the weight of the blanket pulling around me, tighter and tighter until I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.

“Shhh.”

It felt like my head was being split open, the pain throbbing as I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Deep breaths, ok?”

I still couldn’t breathe. Everything was too dark and too bright and I was being pulled under and dragged out to sea.

“Just one deep breath, Chris. Breathe in.”

I sucked in a breath like the voice told me too, feeling my lungs expand against the weight on my chest. Shivering as I exhaled, I immediately tried to breathe in again, bright pinpricks of light exploding in my vision as I flooded my brain with oxygen.

“Slowly, slow down.”

I could feel the tears now, streaming freely down my cheeks as I came back to myself. The panic was receding, leaving me feeling wrung out and weak. Hikaru was holding me; I could feel his warm weight now where he was pressed against me, one hand slowly stroking my back as he quietly spoke to me.

“You’re ok, you’re safe, Chris. I’m right here.”

I felt ashamed, mortified that I had just fallen apart and Hikaru had witnessed everything.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out an apology, but Hikaru just tightened his embrace.

Why did he have to be so _perfect_.

I mostly felt like I was back in control. Shifting around in the blanket Hikaru had wrapped me in I reached up to brush impatiently at the tear tracks on my face. I could breathe again. I hadn’t had a panic attack in ages, but then again, I hadn’t relived that particular nightmare for a few years at least.

“I’m fine now,” I told him, trying to pull away but he wasn’t letting me go.

“Why won’t you let me in?” he asked quietly, and it felt it like a knife in my heart.

I couldn’t tell him why. It was unfair to make him compete with a dead man. I knew that, and I hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. Hikaru cared for me, Hikaru was here and alive and I was hurting him with my reluctance to let a dead man go.

But I had to now. I had to let Kakeru go.

Before Hikaru I never thought I would ever want to love someone again, but Hikaru had clawed his way into my heart and I knew I couldn’t bear to be without him now. Being held and touched and told I was loved was something I had never expected to have again but now that I had it back I knew I couldn’t live without it again.

But he reminded me so much of Kakeru that it was impossible to go on like this. It wasn’t just the way he looked. It was the way that Hikaru was surprisingly tender with me that made me feel that I could close my eyes and just _pretend_ if I wanted too, imagine that it was the Kakeru of my memories I was with instead and the guilt that I almost wanted too was tearing me apart.  I felt like I was betraying both of them by having the other. If I wanted to be fair to Hikaru I either needed to leave now and never come back, or say goodbye to Kakeru for good.

“Chris?” He sounded worried but I couldn’t move. I hid my face behind my hands as Hikaru moved around me, feeling the press of his kiss on my temple, his hand gently stroking my hair as I made up my mind. “Talk to me?” he asked softy, leaning in as he held me, still holding me tight. “I wish I knew how to take your pain away,” he whispered gently.

I wanted to tell him that he couldn’t, that I was broken and beyond help. I wanted him to give up on me and take the choice out of my hands because it was impossible for me to make it by myself. I could feel his warm breath on my neck where he was pressed close to me, and as I took a deep breath and felt my lungs expand, Hikaru turned to kiss my neck. He was still cradling my head as his other hand continued to stroke soothingly up and down my back.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly, and I was shocked to feel a warm tear drop on my neck, sliding down my skin until it soaked into the edge of the blanket. It was enough to snap me out of it, bringing me back to reality with an unpleasant jolt as I realised that I was the one hurting Hikaru, hurting him right now with my selfish desire to cling to the memory of Kakeru.

“You’re not…” I managed to say, slowly uncurling as Hikaru rearranged himself around me. I felt tears escape from my tightly screwed up eyes before he wiped them gently away again. His thumb brushed over my cheeks, fingers lingering at my temple as he bent down to kiss my forehead tenderly. “I’m sorry,” I apologised, finally opening my eyes. Hikaru’s worried face came into focus. The guilt was piling up as I took in his eyes shiny with tears. “It was just a dream, I’m ok now,” I told him, but he still looked worried.

“I never want to hurt you.” His tone was so gentle, the touch to my cheek equally so. For a moment I was lost for a reply. I didn’t deserve Hikaru, and he certainly didn’t deserve the way I had been treating him. “You’re not alone, ok?” he said, and I leaned into his touch, the warm weight of his palm against my cheek felt so nice and grounding and real. “I’m not letting you go again.”

With a reassuring smile he pulled away to check the time, the light of his phone casting a blue glow in the dark room that lit up his face for a moment. I watched him in wonder, awestruck that this beautiful human cared about me.

“Come back to bed,” he urged, and I tugged the blanket off my shoulders to share it with him again. Hikaru was patting the mattress in front of him and I shuffled closer, letting him pull me back into his arms as he curled around me. “Sleep,” he commanded softly, and I nodded wearily as I felt him kiss my shoulder blade. “Sweet dreams.” I felt the words whispered against my skin and I shifted closer, chasing the warmth and comfort he so readily offered me. Hikaru’s chest was pressing against my back, his arm curled around my chest protectively.

I lay awake listening to Hikaru breathe, waiting until each breath was slow and even before I gently tugged his hand higher, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

“Thank you,” I whispered, as quietly as I could, and finally let myself drift into sleep.

## #

_2010_

Waking up on my last day in Japan was bittersweet. It was painful to think that in six short hours I would be boarding a train for the airport but right now, with arms wrapped tightly around Kakeru and the length of our bodies pressed together the idea that I would soon be leaving seemed surreal.

I felt him stirring awake, back arching against my chest and I kissed his temple before letting him shuffle out of my arms.

“G’morning,” I told him sleepily as he rolled over to nuzzle into my chest.

“Mo-morning!” he yawned, arm thrown over my waist as he snuggled back down to sleep.

It felt so right being here with Kakeru. It was like I’d never known something was missing until I’d met him and the thought that we would soon be parted by thousands of kilometres and an ocean was more than I could bear.

“Can I just stay here?” I asked softly, and the arm resting on my hip slid up to grip my waist.

“Yes. Stay forever,” he replied. “You’re not allowed to leave my room now.”

I grinned as he rolled us over until he had trapped me under him. “I need to pee though,” I told him with mock-seriousness.

“Well,” he said, dragging out the syllables as he considered it. “You’re trapped in the house then.”

“What about school?” I asked, trying to supress my grin as I continued the game.

“Ok, you can come to school then,” he conceded, and my next question was interrupted by a kiss.

“But I don’t speak Japanese,” I told him when he moved to kiss down my throat instead.

“You’ll pick it up,” he murmured, wiggling further down to press kisses along my collarbone.

“Or you could come back with me,” I suggested, my breath catching in my throat as he sucked over one of the bruises littering my skin.

“Perfect. You can hide me in your luggage,” he announced happily, moving back to look down at me. For a moment everything was silent, the air itself felt heavy as I watched him slowly close the distance between us, eyes falling shut as our lips met in a kiss that was hungrier than before.

We were interrupted by Kakeru’s phone blaring loudly from the nightstand and reluctantly he pulled away to read the message.

“It’s Tohru,” he reported back, his voice sounding strangely choked. “You have to meet the group at the station by 11.30; you’re free until then.”

Somehow that made it seem all the more real, and a panic was starting to set in.

“I don’t want to leave you,” I heard myself say in a rush, and he had buried his face in my shirt as my arms circled around him to hold him tightly to me.

“We’ll talk every day,” he said, the words muffled against the fabric of my shirt. “And it’ll be June before you know it, you’ll see.”

But even as I rubbed soothing strokes up and down his back I couldn’t shake the feeling that if I left now I was never going to be able to hold him like this again.

## #

_2017_

I blinked awake sluggishly, the images of the dream fading as my reality settled around me once more. Hikaru’s arm was still thrown over me and I eased out from under it gently as I slid from the bed to use the bathroom.

I felt the soft fabric of pants under my foot and I reached down to grab the underwear, pulling them on and casting around for a shirt before giving up and feeling my way to the bathroom in the pre-dawn gloom. Shutting the door before the bright white light could flood the bedroom, I avoided my reflection in the mirror after the first glance. Instead I focused on the swirl of water going down the drain as I held my hands under the running water.

I felt tired after my interrupted night’s sleep, but not wrecked like I had expected to be. My head was pounding, probably dehydration more than anything and I splashed some water on my face, the coolness soothing my skin before I cupped my hands under the stream, water spilling down my forearms as I lifted my cupped hands to drink.

I patted my hands dry on the towel, dabbing carefully over my wrist as I held it up to examine it. They had been healing well, but there were still red lines where I had raked my nails across them last night. I had scratched the scabs on a few, little lines of blood had dried in some. I pressed down on each and was pleased that I only felt a dull ache.

I resisted the urge to check the one I had carelessly torn open yesterday because it would mean removing the cat-shaped band-aid Hikaru had used to cover it. I grinned stupidly as I smoothed my thumb over the cartoon image. Somehow it didn’t surprise me; the Hikaru I was getting to know seemed like the type to have novelty band-aids. It felt like years ago, but it had only been last night that Hikaru had tended to me. I realised that this was what I had felt last night as I rubbed my fingertips over the shiny smooth plastic.   

My grin faded as I thought about everything else that had happened last night. I knew that I needed to make a decision, and it had to be now. I was either going to commit to Hikaru completely or leave forever, because the thought of using him any longer was unbearable.

If I was going to leave I had to do it now. I barely owned anything; I could be packed and ready to leave before Hikaru even woke up. He’d never find me in the thousands of hotels in Tokyo. I could be on a flight by the end of the day.I clung to each thought as I created a perfect plan to escape, knowing that I wasn’t going to do any of it. I wasn’t strong enough to leave, even if it would be the kindest thing I could do for Hikaru. Because while I knew that realistically the best thing for me to do was to go, I didn’t _want_ to.

I pushed open the bathroom door, light spilling into the bedroom until it reached the bed. Hikaru was exactly where I’d left him, his face relaxed as he slept on peacefully. I clicked off the light, blinking in the sudden darkness as I felt my way back over to the bed. I managed to slide back in without disturbing him, one arm curling over his hip to stroke lightly up his spine as I watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest. His hand was laying palm up on the bed between us and I traced my fingers up over his shoulder and down his arm to slot my fingers between his, the simple action of holding his hand filling me with a rush of pleasure. Somehow being asleep made him seem smaller, like his personality made up for a percentage of his size that was lost without his eyes flashing and mouth smirking. I realised that I had come to love his fiery temperament. Hikaru might be zealous and volatile at times but he was also tender and affectionate. I opened my mouth, and as my lips shaped the first syllable I could feel the heavy weight in my heart shatter.

“ _I think I might love you,”_ I whispered quietly, my lips shaping into a smile as I let the words echo in my mind. Fingers were flexing under my hand, pulling my hand close enough to kiss my knuckles. I held my breath, watching as his eyelids fluttered open and he smiled softly at me.

“Am I dreaming?” he murmured quietly. “Or was I not supposed to hear that?” I tried to frown, wanting to respond to his teasing but my heart felt so light and so full I couldn’t manage it. He let me tug my hand free, a look of worry crossing his face but it soon turned back into a smile as I reached out to slide an arm over his shoulder. I closed the gap between us as I pulled him towards me. His hands settled on my chest for balance as he waited for an answer, smile widening as I leaned in to kiss the corner of his mouth.

“You were supposed to be asleep,” I confessed ruefully, but it was hard to not be affected by his mood as I grinned back.

“Too bad, I’m not letting you take it back now,” he said, sighing happily, and I relaxed in his embrace as arms slid around my neck.

“I’ll have to find another job,” I murmured into his hair as my fingers stroked through the soft strands.

“Why?” he asked sharply, trying to wriggle out of my grip and I released my hold to let him move back and face me.

“Well it’s a little unprofessional, isn’t it? I can’t date my boss,” I commented, trying to keep my tone light but watching carefully for his reaction, which to my surprise was a laugh.

“You’re unbelievable,” he said, shaking his head as he chuckled at me. “What did you call us before? Fuckbuddies?” He flicked me lightly on the chest, unable to wipe the grin off his face which seriously undermined his stern tone. “And _now_ you’re worried about being unprofessional?”

I shrugged helplessly, unable to stop the smile spreading across my face. “It’s not my fault my boss keeps flirting with me.” I poked my tongue out at him, surprised when he swooped down to suck my protruding tongue into his mouth. I let him pin me down, his hands finding mine and locking our fingers together as he rolled on top of me. He was still naked and I felt his thighs either side of me as he settled over my stomach. I felt giddy, almost light-headed as I kissed him back, and when he pulled his hands free to trail lightly down my chest I arched into the touch invitingly.  

“Are you wearing my underwear?” he accused, lightly snapping the elastic at my hip.

“It was dark,” I defended my fashion choice, but he was already moving in to kiss me again. “Anyway, shouldn’t you be concerned with more important things?” I asked, turning my face away so that his next kiss fell on my cheek. “Aren’t you needed on set, Kaneshiro-san?” I finished with a teasing lilt, earning an honest laugh from him that was making my heart soar.

“Maybe,” he said evasively, tilting his hips to brush against me invitingly. “But I know where I’d rather be.” I was right though; there was a schedule to follow and today’s required Hikaru back at the studio. With a sigh he sank lower, his weight a gentle pressure on my chest as he nuzzled into my neck.

“I don’t wanna go to work today,” he whined, and I couldn’t help the laugh bubbling up as I wrapped my arms around him.

“Well you should have thought about that before you became an idol.” I rolled him off me, taking the opportunity to slide from the bed before he could trap me again. A quick glance around revealed my discarded slacks, but when I didn’t spot my shirt I realised it was probably still in the living room. I gathered up the clothing that was draped over the sofa and on the floor, the debris of our desperation last night.

“Come on,” I stood in the bedroom doorway, giving my shirt a look of disgust. “One more day in the studio and then you can have a break,” I told him as I pulled on my crumpled shirt. I hoped that would be the case anyway. Today had originally been insurance, an extra day in case the timing ran over, and due to Hikaru’s temper tantrum yesterday we definitely needed it; we still had at least half a day’s shoot to do. But once we were through this we had tomorrow rostered off, although with a glance at Hikaru, still lying face-down on the bed and currently pulling the pillow over his head I decided against reminding him that he could have had today off too, if he hadn’t pitched a fit yesterday.

I found my own underwear, glancing down at the pair I was already wearing before shrugging and throwing them over my shoulder. My work clothes were reminding me of work and my thoughts turned to last week and the culmination of our fight yesterday. Filled with guilt, I averted my gaze from the blanket covered bundle in the middle of the bed, looking for a distraction when my eye fell on the light switch. I flicked the overhead light on, bathing the room in cool white light before swiping the pillow away. The inarticulate moan told me that Hikaru was at least still awake, and I started to pull the blanket away. 

“Hikaru,” my tone carried a hint of warning when he refused to let the blanket go, and I was relieved when he sat up, my grip relaxing to let the blanket pool around his waist as he turned to look over his shoulder at me.

“You’re no fun.” He was pouting and I was nearly ready to give up. Hikaru was impossibly playful this morning and I dreaded how we were going to get anything done. I had opened my mouth to reply, but in my hesitation to decide what to actually say my phone rang, and I hurried to extract it from my work pants before it went to message. I frowned at the low battery before answering, noting that it was Yuuka calling and given the early hour it probably wasn’t good news.

“Chris, the shoot has been postponed,” Yuuka’s voice rang out clearly and my eyes darted to where Hikaru was now watching me with interest. “Rei-chan twisted her ankle; it’s blown up like a balloon,” she continued blithely as I winced from the description. I knew Hikaru could hear everything Yuuka was saying because a look of pure bliss was on his face as he spread his arms wide, falling backwards and bouncing gently to a stop.

“We still had, hang on,” I was quickly moving to the kitchen where the timetable was stuck to the fridge, finger running down the printout to the unmarked squares. “Five scenes to shoot!” I said in disbelief, and Yuuka’s sigh seemed much too relaxed for the circumstances.

“I know, but all five involve Reina and she’s out of commission for at least forty eight hours.”  

I nodded, then realised Yuuka couldn’t see me and spoke aloud. “Roger. Well I guess there’s nothing we can do. Keep me informed if the situation changes, otherwise I’ll let Hikaru know he’s on downtime.”

“Thanks Chris, I might call him anyway. I wanted to have a chat to him about yesterday.” I had to bite my cheek before I gave away the fact that he was about five feet away from me. There was an edge of concern in her voice as I moved back to the bedroom, waving for Hikaru’s attention as I said my goodbyes.

“Yuuka’s about to call you,” I verbalised what I had been trying to mime as I ended the call, just moments before Hikaru’s phone started vibrating from the bedside table. He had pulled on his robe while I had been in the kitchen and I watched him from the corner of my eye as I sat down on the edge of the bed, tossing my phone aside before lying back on the pillows. I had assumed he would ignore it, so I was surprised when I heard him snatch it up, turning to fix me with a feral grin as he answered the call on speaker.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Yuu-chan?” he purred, the flirty tone not lost on me as he crawled back on to the bed, kneeling next to me as he gazed down the length of my partially clothed body. 

“I’m surprised you’re even awake.” Yuuka’s tone certainly did sound surprised as it echoed around us, and no doubt she would be shocked if she could see what was happening on the other end of the phone. With a finger to his lips to caution me to be silent he had straddled my leg, hands rucking up my shirt as he slid them up my chest.

“I’ve always been an early riser,” he said, cocking an eyebrow at me as one hand moved back down to palm over the soft bulge in my pants.

“I don’t believe you,” Yuuka said primly, but her tone softened as she continued. “I know it’s been a rough few months, but you really need to get it together Hikkun.”

“ _Hikkun_?” I mouthed, even more amused by the embarrassed flush in Hikaru’s cheeks than by the cute nickname itself. I almost regretted teasing him when he responded by shuffling backwards to lean down, mouth closing over the rapidly tightening fabric as his breath warmed me.

“I know. I’m trying.” He paused long enough to reply before diving back down to deliver another impossibly hot breath. This time my hands found their way to his hair, fingers carding through the soft strands as he mouthed at the outline of my rapidly swelling dick.

“Well, here’s some good news at least; you have today off.”

Yuuka’s voice had faded into the background as Hikaru eased the elastic waistband lower, his lips closing over my cock and sucking gently. I slapped a hand over my face to stifle my cry too late but Hikaru was already sitting up, loudly talking over me.

“That’s excellent!” We both waited to see if it had worked, but Yuuka had gone suspiciously quiet.

“Is there someone there with you?” she asked, the edge of surprise in her tone evident.

“No, why would you think that?” Hikaru asked, bending lower now that he had bought time with his question to take me in his mouth once more.

“I thought I just heard…and then there was…” she trailed off for a moment, sounding doubtful, and I shoved my fist in my mouth and bit down hard as Hikaru began to pump me into his mouth. “No, never mind. It was nothing,” Yuuka finished firmly. “Listen: enjoy the time off. If you need anything I’m only a phone call away.”

Hikaru had slowed the pace, sliding me from between his lips to reply.

“Oh, I intend to. Thanks Yuu-chan.” With a final, triumphant grin he lunged towards his phone, ending the call a second before I grabbed him around the waist and spun him around. His phone flew out of his hands, falling to the floor with a dull thud as I tackled him to the bed.

I narrowed my eyes as I glared down at him. “I’m gonna make you pay for that,” I told him breathlessly, my chest still heaving from my effort to not blow our cover.

“God, I hope so,” he moaned, reaching out for a fistful of my shirt and pulling me down to claim my lips.

## #

“We should go somewhere.”

I looked up over the breakfast set I was pushing around my plate. Hikaru had his chin resting on his hand, gazing out over the street below. We had returned to the family restaurant that Hikaru seemed to favour, and having missed the morning rush we had snagged a table by the window instead of hiding up the back.

“You mean like a date?” I asked to clarify, giving up on the last of my toast and reaching for the coffee instead.

“More like a romantic getaway, but you can call it whatever you like.” He turned to smile at me and I returned it, a warm, fluttery feeling settling in my chest.

“We’ve probably left it too late.” I told him, but the gleam in his eye hadn’t gone away.

“Nonsense,” he said, “Hakone’s only about an hour away.” There was an excited gleam in his eye as he swiped up his phone from the table, eyes fixed on the screen as he added, “I stayed at the most amazing place last year on a location shoot. Hang on, let me see if they’ve got a suite free.”

He looked so happy I decided to let him plan a mini break. It wasn’t like I had anything else to do with my time now that I –

A flash of guilt wiped the easy smile from my face as my heart squeezed painfully. It might have been the truth, but acknowledging that I had officially given up my search for Kakeru was still too raw a wound to ignore.

Hikaru noticed my silence and was watching me carefully, eyes flicking down to where my hand had unconsciously moved to grip my wrist.

“We don’t have too,” he added softly, but I shook my head.

“No, I want to go with you,” I told him, and for a moment he showed an expression that reflected the pain I felt before he blinked it away, smile slowly turning back on until it reached his eyes again.

“Ok, leave it to me then,” he said, and I made myself uncurl my fingers from my wrist.

It was going to be ok.

## #

Two hours later and we were on the road, hurriedly packed suitcases thrown in the boot of a rental car and Hikaru easily navigating the narrow streets of the city as we headed for the highway that would take us inland to the mountainous region of Hakone.

There had been a suite available, but Hikaru had refused to tell me anything more about the place he was taking me, although I had a feeling that if I pressed him for details he would cave; I’d never seen him look this animated before. But I decided to let him have his surprise, instead letting him tell me about the last time he had been down to Hakone.

“It was a promotion for my last album. The theme was “heartbreak” and the producer thought that Lake Ashinoko would be the perfect backdrop.” He had covered his eyes with a pair of reflective sunnies so I couldn’t read the expression on his face, but even though he kept his tone light I had heard the way his voice had caught suspiciously on the word “heartbreak”. It stirred up the feelings of jealousy that had been plaguing me all week but I pushed them back down. Hikaru was with me, was taking _me_ to Hakone, and I needed to stop dwelling on the past.

“I haven’t heard any of your songs,” I commented instead, picturing the golden discs that adorned the halls of the agency. I’d passed them on a daily basis and I knew all the album titles: “Lost Souls”, “Reaching for You” and the one from last year, “Shattered”. I also knew Hikaru had made his name as a solo artist and that he had been very successful, but he‘d been on hiatus for months before I had started work. “I don’t think I’ve even heard you sing,” I added as I realised how strange that was. 

Hikaru took his eyes off the road long enough to glance over at me, face still shielded by the oversized sunglasses he insisted on wearing. “Really?” he asked, his confusion showing clearly in his tone. “You’ve never heard _any_ of my songs?”

“Nope,” I said lightly. “Guess you’re not as famous as you thought you were.” I leaned back against the headrest, letting my eyes close as the combination of the warm spring sunlight and the cool air-conditioning lulled me into sleep.

“Well at least that explains what took you so long,” he muttered, but I was already half asleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s my personal headcanon that One Republic’s song “Apologize” was the record-breaking bestselling single from Hikaru’s album “Shattered”


	19. Don’t leave me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So who wants an entire chapter of Hikaru finally being treated right along with some sexy onsen times?
> 
>    
> Language notes: first one is an Aussie thing. In Australia, cars have a boot and a bonnet. In America I believe you call them a trunk and a hood respectively. You weirdos^^
> 
> Futsuma: heavy papered doors, often with painted designs. Too thick for light to pass through. Often the wooden transom above the door is carved, sometimes with openwork designs. These doors are used to separate and divide internal rooms because they provide more privacy than shoji.
> 
> Shoji: light wooden frames covered with rice paper. These are the doors that light passes through. They are used on common rooms (as opposed to rooms where people are expected to sleep) and on the outside “wall” of rooms to allow in natural light. Heavy, weather-proof shutters are used on the edge of verandas to protect the lighter shoji from damaging weather conditions. The delicate paper is replaced often as it shows wear, and completely before the new year in wealthier houses.
> 
> Tatami: woven reed mats. While they are ubiquitously Japanese now, they are a relatively recent addition in Japanese culture (they’ve been around a few hundred years though). These days they are used to cover floors entirely in “washitsu” or “Japanese rooms”. Before tatami, Japan had a love affair with polished wood floors.
> 
> Onsen: “hot springs” as in, a pool of water that is fed from a thermal spring.
> 
> Rotenburo: an outdoor bath. If it’s just ordinary plumbing connected to town or ground water it is a Rotenburo, if its fed from a thermal spring it is both a Rotenburo AND and onsen.
> 
> Manju: one of the many sweets that involve azuki beans that have been boiled with sugar and crushed to a paste. In this case it is covered with a rice flour dough and steamed. Exact recipes vary from region to region and sometimes the dough coating is flavoured with matcha green tea.

Chapter 19: Hitori ni Shinaide ~ Don’t leave me ~ 一人にしないで

 

_2017_

The sound of the car boot slamming shut woke me, and as I worked the crick from my neck I knew we had arrived. The air was colder, and it felt cleaner than the city. I breathed in deeply, letting the fresh mountain air fill my lungs as I looked across at where the driver’s door hung open, the green of the wooded hills rising in the background. The sound of a suitcase being wheeled over the asphalt announced the arrival of Hikaru. I climbed from the car to help, taking both suitcases from him as he gestured wordlessly to the inn behind me. I couldn’t help my gasp as I turned to take in the sprawling complex; the traditional wooden façade looked like it had stood unchanged since the samurais.

Hikaru handled checking us in while I hung back to admire the gardens just visible through opened shoji doors. Our bags were gently taken from us to be delivered to our room and it started to sink in that we were really on holidays now. It had been as easy as Hikaru having an idea and suddenly we were a hundred kilometres away from the city in this dream-like place.

When Hikaru came back he was holding a real key, the carved wooden keychain clasped in his hand as he gestured for me to follow the yukata-clad woman waiting for us.

“After you,” he offered, and I eagerly followed her towards the open veranda.

“Wow, Hikaru.” We had been shown to a detached villa, covered walkways winding through immaculate gardens until we reached the thatch-roofed building which had been stunning enough, but the room itself was incredible.

“You haven’t even seen the best bit yet.” Hikaru winked, slipping out of the outdoor slippers we had donned to reach our rooms and stepping up onto the smooth wood floors.

 _What could possibly be better than this?_ I thought, taking in the futsuma doors opened wide, revealing the tatami and a room opened to the veranda beyond, the green of the garden wrapping around the villa to shield us from the outside world.

I had followed Hikaru through the rooms and as he slid aside another door I could see he wasn’t exaggerating. From our veranda we could just peek at what looked like the most incredible outdoor bath I had ever seen, set to resemble a natural hot spring with large stones laid out in an organic shape.

“The water is thermal too,” Hikaru said smugly, and I was too excited to be experiencing my first real onsen to think about how much this little getaway might be costing Hikaru.

“It’s incredible,” I told him earnestly, and his smile made my heart melt.

We’d eaten lunch in Tokyo but after a walk around the rotenburo and our gardens some tea and manju had appeared on our table like magic. I wasn’t hungry but I nibbled the sweet pastry anyway, gazing out over the view as I relaxed at the table.

Our borrowed scenery included the mountains rising above the fence that sealed us off from the world, protecting us from prying eyes so we could throw open the shoji to enjoy the view. Hikaru was on the phone to reception and I watched him surreptitiously. I wondered what he was talking to them about but he spoke too quietly for me to hear, automatically bowing as he finished the call.

I smiled, taking another bite and chewing the mouthful of sweetened bean paste. It felt so surreal; twelve hours ago I had woken in a panic and I had thought my guilt was going to drown me. Now I was in heaven because I was loved by an angel, and as Hikaru settled across from me, sipping at his cup elegantly and asking me if I’d tried the tea yet I resolved to make everything up to him.

I knew that Hikaru deserved better than me, but for some unexplained reason it seemed that he wanted me, so I was just going to have to work harder at being worthy.

## #

Dinner wasn’t going to be served until seven so Hikaru suggested we try the bath straight away. I readily agreed, waving him ahead as I excused myself to visit the toilet first.

Sliding aside the door to the anteroom I found that Hikaru had already undressed and moved on; his clothes were hanging over the lip of one of the baskets lining a low shelf and I smiled wryly as I pushed the shirt and pants into the basket.

I undressed, dropping my own clothes into another basket before grabbing a towel from the shelf and sliding back the glass door to reveal the most extravagant outdoor bath I’d ever since. Hikaru was already seated on one on the wooded stools, his fingers combing through his long hair as he pulled it up into a high ponytail. I must have made some noise because he paused, turning to look back over his shoulder and I felt my breath catch in my throat at the sigh. A long ribbon was pursed between his lips and I watched in stunned fascination as he smirked at me, using the ribbon to secure his hair and wrapping it up into a bun.

He didn’t say anything, no smart remarks or one-liners, just smiled a secret smile before turning to the taps in front of him. I shook off my surprise, wondering what kind of mood he might be in as I picked up a nearby pail to scoop warm water from the bath.

Hikaru was watching me with sideways glances as he leaned forward to reach the taps, but a hand over his gently persuaded him to sit back.

“Let me,” I insisted, and I kneeled down to carefully pour the warm water over him.

His soft sigh of satisfaction eased the tightness in my chest. There was a bottle of shower gel at Hikaru’s feet and I picked it up with the sponge, pouring a line of the vanilla-scented gel onto the sponge and massaging it until the sweet-scented suds were running down my wrist.

Hikaru had relaxed into me, leaning back on my chest as I reached around to run the soapy sponge down his arm. He let me move him, completely compliant as I gently spread the scented foam everywhere. I had run the sponge down the back his calf when his leg twitched in my grasp, and I murmured an apology as I resumed my ministrations. When I looked up I saw that his eyes were closed, and as I gently ran the sponge over his shin a soft smile played on his face.

“Almost done,” I said softly, watching as his eyelids fluttered open slowly.

“I think I nearly fell asleep,” he admitted with a sheepish grin. It was impossible not to smile back at his innocent expression.

“I think that’s allowed,” I tried to say wryly, but my smile turned the humorous tone into something gentle. “Hang on, I’ll get more water.”

I took the pail back to the bath, gathering up more of the thermally heated water to rinse away the suds. Hikaru waited patiently, letting me pour the water slowly until he was clean and soap-free.

“You’re all done,” I told him, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. “Now go warm up in the bath.” He looked like he wanted to object, but he shivered in the cool breeze and I gestured patiently towards the water. “I’ll join you in a minute; go.”

At last he turned and stepped carefully over to the stone edge, gingerly climbing down in the water and settling in with a sigh.

“The temperature is _perfect,_ ” he moaned happily, and I quickly filled the bucket with the tap to wash so I could join him.

I had almost finished, scrubbing my arms and legs mindlessly when I heard a cascade of water and the slap of wet feet on stone approaching.

“Here, let me,” I felt the sponge being tugged from my hand and soon Hikaru was rubbing circles with it on my back. It felt wonderful, and I let my head drop forward as Hikaru carefully washed my back. I heard him click his tongue, a sound of disappointment before a flood of cold water poured from the pail. I smiled to myself as Hikaru left to get warm water from the bath and I let him rinse me off without objecting.

It was pure bliss to sink into the inviting water of the hot spring. Hikaru had moved further along the wall but I hung back, the smooth rock steps forming a ledge that was the perfect height to sit chest-deep.

“This is amazing,” I sighed happily, closing my eyes as I felt the heat sinking into me, warming me up as the soft mineral water caressed my skin.

“Isn’t it?” Hikaru agreed, sinking down until his shoulders just disappeared under the water.

“I can’t believe how big it is,” I said in surprise as I ventured out to the middle. 

“How deep is it?” Hikaru asked from his spot on the wall.

“Not very, if I stood up it would be chest-height,” I shot him a sideways glance, “It’d probably be over your head though.”

“Oi,” he sent a small wave of water towards me, the indignant tone belied by the smile on his face. “I’m not _that_ much shorter than you.” He took a few tentative steps towards me, growing in confidence when the water only reached below his shoulders.

“See?” he said triumphantly, and I laughed as I pulled him closer. His legs had gone around my waist as I held him securely, sinking down lower and letting the water take most of our weight.

“Would it be very rude of me to fuck you in their lovely onsen?” I asked in a voice edged with desire, revelling in the shiver that went down his spine.

“Very rude,” he said in a whisper, breath tickling my neck before soft lips kissed below my ear. “I think there might even be a rule: no fucking in the onsen.”

“Well then you’d better stop tempting me.”

“But I like tempting you,” he said playfully, but there was more than amusement sparkling in his eyes.

“I love you,” I said impulsively. The words had slipped out before I realised what I was saying, and I could hear my heartbeat in the silence that fell. To say it out loud, while looking into Hikaru’s eyes felt different, more honest. As the words left my lips I watched Hikaru’s expression change, lighting up into a brilliant smile and I knew I could never take it back. How had it taken me so long to realise what was right in front of me this whole time?

He reached up, fingers gently cupping my cheek as water beaded off our skin. For a moment I thought he would say it back; certainly he hadn’t been shy about it before but he was silent as he leaned closer, pulling me into a kiss. Our lips met and for once it wasn’t desperate or lustful. The tender touch on my cheek and the soft lips gently parting mine were bringing me undone in a way I hadn’t let myself before. Things were different now; I was changing them. I was really giving all of myself to Hikaru and it felt like I might explode from happiness.

It almost didn’t feel real as we kissed, wrapped up in each other in the warm water. The sun had fallen below the ridge of the mountain and as twilight fell solar lights were flaring to life, illuminating the gardens in a soft warm glow. Their light reflected off the ripples in the water as we moved and I was pouring out everything I felt into each gentle touch of our lips.

## #

“It’s getting dark,” I commented when Hikaru leaned in to rest against my shoulder.

“We should go back inside,” Hikaru agreed, and I mourned the loss of his body as he detangled himself.

I climbed from the onsen, water streaming in rivulets as I reached for my towel. The evening air felt cool against my over-heated skin. I wiped the excess water quickly, turning to hand a second towel to Hikaru as he climbed up the stone steps behind me.

He smiled his thanks, shivering already in the breeze and I wrapped his towel around his shoulders, using my own towel to quickly dry his legs.

“Come inside,” I took his hand and pulled gently, urging him to follow me back into the warmly lit interior of our rooms.

Someone had already been in to lay out our futons, and I smiled at how they were next to each other, no space between the separate blankets.

“Here,” I gestured him closer, letting my towel fall to the floor as I took the one from around his shoulders to gently pat him dry.

“Your wet towel is going to ruin the tatami,” he protested, but he offered no resistance as I ran the soft cotton down the planes of his chest. He was right though, so when I sunk to my knees I picked up the towel and moved it onto the futon before continuing my mission to carefully dry every inch of him. I could feel fingers in my hair, softly tugging through the short strands as I leaned against his front to reach around and rub the towel over the back of his thighs. We both knew I was mostly just playing a game now; Hikaru wasn’t going to be getting much drier. Maybe it was time to add a little moisture again.

I could feel him twitching to life, the blood rushing to his semi-hard cock and causing it to brush against my cheek. I tossed the towel away, hoping it had made in onto the futon as I turned my face into the apex of his thighs, nosing at the warmth there and mouthing softly until I heard him gasp.

“What do you want, Hikaru?” I asked, gazing up as I ran my hand up the back of his leg. “I’ll do anything you want.”

I had expected a smart comment or at the very least a trademark smirk, but Hikaru wasn’t doing either of those things. Sinking to his knees his arms were sliding around my neck as he leaned in close.

“Just you. All I want is you.” His voice was unsteady as he nudged our foreheads together, and I choked on my guilt because _it’s my fault, we’re in this beautiful place and Hikaru is about to cry because of me._

I needed to make amends, but how I could even begin to apologise for my behaviour I had no idea. At least I could start with treating him right for now, and with that thought in mind I began a slow stroke, smoothing my hands down the hard planes of his back as he relaxed into me.

“How about a massage?” I offered, pulling him gently away and shuffling back to make room. “Go and lie down, I’ll be back in a sec.” Pushing to my feet, I quickly located our towels and took them back out to the dressing room. Beyond the glass door I could see night had fallen now, and I admired the view as I dumped the used towels in a basket, snagging a fresh one from the shelf before returning to the bedroom.

Hikaru was a glorious sight, stretched out on his front on one of the futons, and my eyes traced the smooth lines from his shoulders down the curve of his spine to the swell of his ass, then down his shapely legs and finally his feet, the lily-white soles facing up.

I saw him stir as I returned, the soft sounds against the tatami announcing my entrance. Unfolding the towel, I carefully draped it to cover from his shoulder blades to his thighs, tugging it flat so the warm fabric lay smooth against his skin.

“Don’t want you catching cold now, do we?” I quipped softly, and I heard a quiet noise of agreement, muffled from where he had his face turned in to his folded arms.

His hair was still caught up with the ribbon and I slowly untied it now, combing my fingers through the long strands and admiring how the colour contrasted sharply to his pale skin.

“So beautiful,” I sighed happily, and the gentle scrape of my fingers over his scalp was rewarded with a soft moan. “Are you warm enough?” I asked, sitting back on my heels as I let my hand brush lower, trailing over the edge of the towel to skim down his back.

“Mm-hmm,” came the muffled reply, and I didn’t bother to hide my smile.

“Now,” I was thinking out loud, and as I mused I let my hand trace patterns lightly over the towel. “We don’t have any massage oil but we do have some moisturiser.”

“That’ll do.” His words were less muffled this time, and I looked to see he had turned to rest one cheek on his arm. He looked relaxed and happy, and I felt a surge of affection that surprised me with its intensity.

“I’ll get it then.” I hoped I hadn’t sounded less confident; I certainly felt like my confidence had been shook. But by the time I returned with a tube of the body lotion that matched the shower gel outside I was feeling back in control.

A gentle pull on the towel dragged it lower down until it covered Hikaru’s feet. Carefully I lifted his hair out of the way, arranging it over his shoulder exposing his beautiful back to me from his neck to the base of his spine. I squeezed some of the white lotion into my cupped palm, setting the tube down carefully before rubbing my hands together to warm it up. The slick sounds it made were almost obscene but I paid that no mind, starting with a feather light touch at his waist and smoothing up the curve of his back, letting my thumbs do most of the work as they soothed the muscle there. I continued to rub small circles with my thumbs, slowly working my way up his back until I had reached his shoulder blades. I added more moisturiser, smoothing my palms up each shoulder in turn until all the tension had drained out of him.

“That feels _amazing,_ ” Hikaru murmured, and I found myself grinning stupidly at his praise.

Skimming back down I reached for the towel, tugging it higher again to expose the backs of his legs. I rearranged myself by one leg, applying more of the vanilla-scented gel to ease the glide of my hand as I stroked his thigh. I had moved down to the back of his knee when I caught sight of a small jagged scar. It looked old, but it was wide and where the skin stretched it was pale and shiny, a shade lighter than the surrounding skin. This must have been why Hikaru had flinched earlier, I must have brushed over it with the sponge. How had I never noticed it before? It must have been very deep when it was made and I wondered what could have caused it.

With one finger I touched the tip, gently tracing the inch of lightning-shaped line as I asked, “How did you get this?”

I hadn’t expected the leg under my hand to tense, and I realised too late that maybe just like me, Hikaru might have scars he didn’t want to talk about.

“Never mind, forget I asked,” I said quickly, and I moved over to the other leg. I could feel the tension as I repeated my actions, gliding my thumbs over the taunt muscle and willing him to relax again. The thought occurred to me that out of sight, out of mind might apply here and with a gentle touch at his side I softly urged him to turn over.

I held the towel as Hikaru slowly complied, arms thrown across his face to protect his eyes from the overhead light.

“Sorry!” I stood up quickly, find the string and tugging it until the light clicked off. Now we were bathed in darkness, the only light a soft glow coming through the shoji from the next room. “Is that better?” I asked, kneeling once more on the edge of the futon.

“Much better,” he replied, arms finally parting so I could see his face. The light gleamed softly off his hair, sparkling in his eyes before his eyelids drifted closed again.

“I could fall asleep like this, y’know,” he drawled, sliding his hands under his head as he relaxed once more.

“You could,” I began, my tone playful as I draped the towel over his stomach. “I’ll wake you up for dinner if you like.” I pulled at the edges of the towel, arranging it so that it covered from his chest down to his thighs.

“Or we could do something else,” he suggested as I moved down to his feet. A glance at his face revealed the playful quirk of a raised eyebrow as my hands settled over one foot.

“Have you had enough massage for today?” I asked, raising his foot and beginning a gentle knead that had him throwing his head back, eyes closed again as he moaned in reply, although whether he was agreeing or disagreeing I couldn’t tell. 

“God that feels good!” I planted his foot on my chest, leaning forward until his knee bent so I could run both hands up his calf. “How are you so good at this?” he asked in disbelief, and I shrugged lazily as I continued to stroke down his calf.

“Dunno. Natural talent I guess.” I lowered his foot to the futon, exchanging in for the other as I repeated my actions. I could see from where the towel was tented that despite my pure intentions this had clearly turned into foreplay, but I was determined to wait for some sign from him, some indication that he wanted more before I just did what I always did and took from him.

He opened his eyes again, watching me as I kneaded his foot gently and began to slowly pull the towel away. With a flourish he dropped the towel to the side, his blushing cock bobbing free from its fabric prison standing tall and erect and waiting for attention.

I let his foot slide out of my hands as he parted his legs, knees bent in an invitation that I was only too happy to accept. Leaning down, I kissed the tip before taking him in my mouth. His soft sighs were echoing in my ears as I offered gentle sucks, letting his heavy length rest on my tongue. By leaning all my weight on one side I was able to hold him, stroking until the sensitive head was exposed. With a push of my tongue I rubbed him against the roof of my mouth, enjoying the feel of his fingers tangling in my hair, pulling and pushing and urging me on as I sucked him.

I could feel his knees clamping around my shoulders as his hips began to twitch, thrusting into my mouth. I matched his pace with my hand, licking broad strokes against him before letting my tongue dip into the slit. Knees clamped down on me harder as I hollowed my cheeks, tongue still probing and teasing as the bitter taste of his arousal mixed with my saliva. I wanted him to come in my mouth, wanted his release coating my throat as I swallowed everything he had but this wasn’t about what I wanted. I pulled off him with a wet noise, my hand immediately moving to cover him as I thumbed at his slit, licking around my thumb as I looked up as him.

“Where do you want to come?” I panted, watching as he writhed with pleasure under the slide of my palm.

“Not yet,” he said, reaching down until his fingers brushed against the back of my hand. I leaned down to suck lightly next to my thumb, rubbing him with the slick juices, his gasp encouraging me as I licked up the mess we were making. “Not yet,” he repeated, a little louder this time, and the legs holding me in place released me. “I want you in me, please,” he begged, legs opening wide. His hand was pulling mine lower, tugging insistently until my fingers were brushing against his entrance. “Please make me ready. Please.” He looked so beautiful, a flush high in his cheeks and his hair loose and tumbling around his shoulders as he pleaded with me to touch him.

With a kiss to each of his thighs, I rearranged myself between his legs as he raised his hips, opening himself to me as I closed my lips over his centre. His skin was soft and vanilla-scented, and he responded to every probe of my tongue as I licked into him. Every suck was met with a jerk of his hips and a moan from his lips, the noises going straight to my throbbing cock as I ground myself into the futon. I knew I needed to find the lube in our luggage but I was addicted to the sound of Hikaru coming undone and I didn’t want to stop.

I could feel fingers sliding into my hair again, sinking down to cup my face as he gently urged me higher.

“Chris, my bag,” he panted, one hand flinging out to point at the collection of luggage gathered in the corner. “In the smallest bag, hurry,” he insisted, and I climbed to my feet clumsily, unzipping the carryon and distributing the contents all over the tatami as I searched for the toiletries bag I knew I’d find.

I returned with my prize, thumbing open the cap and pouring a generous amount of lube straight on my cock. It was cold, especially against my overheated flesh, but it was quickly warming as I stroked myself, coating my length in the thick gel as I kneeled between his legs. Hikaru had covered his face, the heels of his hands pressing over his eyes and for a moment I hesitated. Was this what Hikaru really wanted? Suddenly I was unsure. I grabbed the discarded towel to wipe my hand clean, shuffling back until I could come around to kneel by his side.

“Hey,” I called softly, reaching down to gently pull his hands away. I was shocked to see tears in his eyes and as he blinked up at me they spilled, tears rolling down his cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head, smiling now as he reached up to pull me closer. “I’m just happy.”

I let him pull me down, our bodies bumping together as I balanced over him.

“Me too,” I told him, leaning down to kiss the tear stains on each cheek. “No tears, ok? Not even happy ones. C’mere,” I rolled back on the futon, pulling him with me until he was slotted against my side. There were no new tears but his eyes were still unusually bright as I kissed the tip of his nose. That made his smile twitch wider, and he offered no resistance as my hand drifted down to his thigh, gently pulling his leg over mine until we could move closer together. With his thighs parted there was no friction on my cock as it slid between his legs, but I could feel his cock pressed against my belly, warm and leaking as I kissed his temple.

“I don’t know what to do for you,” I whispered helplessly.

“You’re doing fine,” he assured me. Hikaru had tilted his hips, the slight pressure of him sliding against my cock felt nice but it wasn’t enough. I reached down to help, holding my aching length steady so that when he rocked against me the tip pressed against his hole.

“Slowly,” I whispered as I moved to recapture his lips. “Hold still, ok?”

He complied, hips stationary as I rocked just the tip in, then back until I was almost free. I swallowed the tiny moans he made as his tongue rubbed against mine, never going deeper than an inch as I stretched him around the weeping head of my cock.

“More,” he slurred into my mouth, canting his hips until I slid in further. “I want more.” Now it was Hikaru who was silencing my gasps, stealing the sounds from my lips as I made them as he met my thrusts with his own.

My hand settled on his hip, pulling him closer until I was buried in his heat. Hikaru had hooked his leg around mine and was using the leverage to grind down on me. I dug my fingers into his hip, keeping us connected as I rolled Hikaru on to his back. I was rewarded with a pair of legs locking around my waist as I propped myself up on my elbows.

“Hikaru,” I called, noticing his eyes had shut again and needing to know this was what he wanted.

His eyes opened at the sound of his name, fixing on my piercing gaze. He must have realised I was seeking assurance, lifting a hand to cradle my cheek tenderly as I slowly rocked into him. I turned into his hand, kissing his palm as I quickened my pace. I was so close, and this new angle was bringing me undone faster as I reached between us to close over Hikaru’s weeping cock. A few quick slides of my fist soon had him panting beneath me, his hands sliding around my neck to pull me down until my fist was crushed between us. I flicked my thumb, teasing the slit as Hikaru pressed his warm mouth to my neck, sucking lightly over my pulse before biting down with a scrape of teeth.

I felt a tremor tear through me, fucking my release into him with a slam of my hips until I had filled him. I could feel him coming, his cock pulsing in my fist as the hot liquid splashed between us, seeping down my fist and slicking between us as I collapsed, all tension leaving our bodies as we lay together to catch our breath.

“We should come to the onsen more often,” Hikaru quipped, and my breathless laugh turned into a wheeze as I rolled off him. I had landed half off the futon and the tatami felt cool against my sweaty skin.

“You’re too good for me,” I admitted in the quiet, and I felt Hikaru’s hand seek out mine, slotting our fingers together and holding tight as I added, “I don’t deserve you.”

“I’ve never thought that,” he answered, and I shook my head in disbelief as I stared up at the ceiling.

Hikaru’s hand holding mine was warm and dry but I was all too aware that my other hand was currently a sticky mess. Turning my head, I could see he was also watching me. I could feel my heart expanding in my chest as he smiled softly at me. I brought our joined hands to my lips without breaking eye contact, kissing each knuckle as I watched his smile grow wider.

“You,” I kissed the back of his hand, “are a terrible judge of character.” I could feel my strength returning to my languid limbs, and I rolled over until we were touching again. “And you’re a mess.” My hand was already soiled so I wasn’t reluctant to touch, letting it slide through the slick mess that covered his belly.

“So are you,” he shot back, but there was no malice in his tone. He looked relaxed as his head dropped back to the pillow, eyes fluttering closed as I leaned down to drop kisses down his neck.

“We should get cleaned up,” he suggested as I continued my mission to cover him in kisses.

“I’ll do it,” I said, one last kiss over his collarbone. “Stay here,” I told him and he nodded obediently.

I pulled myself away to find a washcloth and a basin, locating both in the small indoor bathroom where I washed my hands. Quickly I filled the pail with warm water, returning to kneel on the futon beside him.

He was a beautiful mess, one arm thrown across his eyes as my eyes raked down his chest to the evidence of our passion adorning on his skin. I wrung out the small towel and began to clean him with long strokes, carefully rinsing the towel and making sure I didn’t miss anything. Hikaru had been doing this every time I had fallen asleep on him and I felt like a jerk. I had mostly finished when I was seized with the urge to kiss his stomach, and he giggled when my hair tickled him, hands pushing me away as he angled away from the touch.

“I’m not finished with you yet, hold still,” I told him with mock seriousness, draping the cloth over the edge of the pail so I could concentrate on tickling him.

“Don’t you dare!” he was twisting away, shrieking with laughter as my fingertips glanced over his skin to tickle over his ribs. I was overjoyed. Hikaru was _ticklish_. This was a monumental discovery.

“You’re not very good at staying still, Hikaru,” I admonished playfully, bending over carefully to silence his laughter with a kiss. I didn’t want to undo all the cleaning I had done but it was almost too tempting to crush him into the futon. I settled for giving him one last kiss, pushing him back down before I returned to my task.

“Are you going to hold still this time?” I dipped the cloth again, wringing out the excess water as he nodded.

“Good boy.” I brought the cloth down to carefully wipe again, stroking at the mess between his legs until he was soft and clean once more. I dropped the cloth back into the water once I was finished, intending to go back to the bathroom to clean up but Hikaru was sitting up, one hand on my chest guiding me down to the futon. “Your turn,” he said pointedly.

I protested but he waved away my objects as he wrung out the cloth. “I want to do it,” he said simply, and so I let him wipe up the mess on my front, watching as he carefully stroked the cloth along my skin.

I let my eyes drift closed, listening to the sound the cloth being wrung out again and then there was a delicious warmth wrapping around my cock, Hikaru’s hand a gentle pressure over the cloth as he stroked me tenderly.

“I’m supposed to be taking care of you,” I complained lightly, but I couldn’t deny it felt wonderful.

Suddenly there was the unmistakable sound of a knock on the solid wood door, and my eyes snapped open in shock. Hikaru was looking at me, face equally blank before we both realised at the same time.

 _“Dinner!”_ I breathed, eyes darting around the darkened room for something to cover our nakedness before some poor employee walked in on us.

Hikaru had found a yukata and quickly threw it on, tying it closed as he stepped through the open door and slid it closed behind him. I sat up slowly, marvelling at his ability to adapt so quickly as I retrieved a second yukata. I gave it a few shakes but the fold lines were still obvious as I tied it off to the side, tugging it to hang straight before following Hikaru out to the sitting room.

Two servers were kneeling by a stack of trays, and Hikaru invited me to take a seat on one of the flat cushions so they could start serving our dinner.

## #

An hour and far too many dishes later found me putting down my chopsticks at last. Every tray had contained a new masterpiece. Some of it had looked too good to eat but between us we had managed to clear them all.

“I’ll never eat that well ever again.” I fell back on the tatami, closing my eyes against the bright light as Hikaru chuckled at me.

“Probably not, but it was worth it,” Hikaru’s lazy reply floated over from beyond the stack of trays and empty dishes.

“Just roll me onto my futon,” I said back, “I’m done.”

I was becoming addicted to Hikaru’s carefree laugh. The sound settled in my chest until my heart felt three times bigger. I titled my head to find him, and I was surprised to see Hikaru was already watching me, leaning back on one arm as he sipped sake from a tiny ceramic cup. 

I let my head fall back again, closing my eyes as took a deep breath and let every muscle relax. I had drunk my fair share of the sake with dinner, and I felt pleasantly buzzed. The feeling of the tatami sliding against the back of my hands was nice as I lazily stretched my arms overhead, focusing on the smooth sensation of the woven reeds.

“You’re drunk,” Hikaru accused, and I felt compelled to argue.

“Pffft.” I waved my hand, narrowly missing smacking myself in the face as I dropped my hand back down again. I was rewarded with Hikaru’s laugh once again, and I treasured the sound.

A clink of porcelain told me Hikaru had probably put his cup down and a moment later he had lay down next to me, not close enough to be touching but when I turned my head he was in sharp focus, the rest of the room blurring around him.

“What was your favourite dish?” he asked, hands clasped over his stomach.

I considered the question seriously, but before I could start rhapsodizing about the grilled fish that had melted in my mouth, I remembered the miso soup and mindlessly I found myself saying “tiny mushroom”.

“Yes, you did love that tiny mushroom,” Hikaru chuckled, no doubt recalling how proud I had been to successfully hold it in my chopsticks. In my defence, I was quite deep in sake cups by that point, and the mushroom had been _extremely_ tiny.

“Yours?” I asked, mostly to deflect him from picking on me further.

“I loved everything, because I shared it with you.”

“Ugh, that’s so corny! How can you say shit like that with a straight face!” I groaned.

He shrugged elegantly, amusement written all over his face as I struggled with my second-hand embarrassment. “It’s the truth.”

There was a heat in my cheeks that might have been the alcohol, or it could have been Hikaru’s honest confession. I felt like I was getting out of my depth again, and I needed to get us back on a level I felt comfortable on, so when I opened my mouth I heard myself asking, “Wanna fool around in the onsen?”

“And watch you drown?” he scoffed affectionately, “No thanks, you drank a _lot_.”

“Nah,” I struggled to sit up, “you’ll save me.” I scrubbed my hand over my face, missing the soft look on his face as he watched me.

What I did hear was the sigh, and a wry, “In a little while then. You can drink some water first.”

## #

Mostly to placate Hikaru I had downed a bottle of spring water which I honestly didn’t think was going to make a difference, but it made him happy so I was happy to do it. I found it was a lot easier to undress for the onsen when all you were wearing was a yukata. I shrugged out of the cotton garment and laid it over the edge of a basket before following Hikaru outside.

I hesitated by the taps, my years of study informing me that it was essential to clean oneself before entering the onsen, but the other side of my brain was telling me I was clean, mostly anyway, and it didn’t really matter. While I was caught up in my musing Hikaru had returned with a bucket of water and I spluttered as he sloshed the water over my front.

It was beautifully warm, but a shock nonetheless.

“What the hell?” He had stepped closer, one hand smoothing down my chest to rub over my stomach as I glared at him.

“Just making sure.” He grinned, and I was surprised that he let me take the bucket from his hands.

As I filled the bucket the thought of pranking him was tempting. Hikaru always looked so perfect and poised. I wondered how he’d manage with a bucket of water dumped over his head. But my plan was short-lived, because when I turned to face him again my drunk brain remembered what tonight was supposed to be about.

“You’re lucky I like you,” I muttered darkly, pouring the water slowly so it cascaded over his shoulders and down his chest. He chuckled at my comment, but held still while my hand followed the water sluicing over his stomach, washing away all traces of our earlier activities. “There, you’re perfect,” I announced as he took a step closer.

“I really wanna push you in,” he said wistfully, and I felt a flutter of fear that I was about to go toppling backwards.

“Don’t,” I advised, and he laughed as he brushed past me.

“I won’t,” he assured me, “Not tonight, anyway.”

The water felt incredible, even warmer in contrast to the cool night air. Night had truly fallen now and the light of the lanterns reflecting off the water lent an otherworldly air to the scene as I watched Hikaru tie his long hair up.

“Doesn’t it get in the way?” I asked, and off his puzzled look I elaborated. “Your hair being so long; doesn’t it get annoying?”

“Nah, I’m used to it,” he shrugged, slipping into the water and sinking down until the water lapped at his shoulders. “Why? Don’t you like it?” he asked in a playfully teasing tone.

“I’ve always loved your hair,” I replied mindlessly, “Its sexy.”

“Good.” Hikaru had turned around to fold his arms on the edge, cushioning his head as he relaxed in the water and giving me an unobstructed view of his neck and shoulders as he moaned happily, “This is heaven.” I hummed my agreement, closing my eyes as I moved my arms through the water. The water had felt good before, but with my head pleasantly buzzing from the sake it was even better. I felt like I could just float away. “We should move here permanently,” he continued, and I snorted in surprise.

“Imagine the commute.” 

“In that case I could just get a job out here,” Hikaru countered.

“Not many agencies based in the mountains, Hikaru,” I said flatly, bobbing closer until I could stretch out my fingers to touch him.

“I could quit the agency.” He had turned around, my fingertips lightly trailing over his shoulder until he was facing me. He had sounded serious, but I was sure that was just my sake-addled brain not interpreting him correctly.

“Don’t be stupid; you love acting.” My response was blunt, as clumsy as the hands that slid over his shoulders to cage him against the smooth rock edge.

“I _like_ it; it’s fun,” he corrected me, “But it was just a means to an end.” He kissed the tip of my nose, leaning back to grin up at me as he slid his arms around my neck. “You are so smashed right now, aren’t you?” He was laughing at me, head tilting back as his clear laughter echoed around our small piece of paradise and it was too beautiful for me to want him to stop.

“You kept pouring drinks,” I defended myself, crowding closer to kiss over his jumping pulse.

“I can’t believe you’re wasted on our only night here. Are you even going to remember this tomorrow?”

“I remember everything,” I mumbled sullenly, planting one more open mouthed kiss before locking down and sucking a bruise into his pale throat.

Hikaru gasped, arching into me as I pressed him into the wall. I registered his legs wrapping around my waist and the feeling off him brushing over my groin was quickly stirring me into further action.

I licked over the abused flesh, but before I could lean back to check the mark I had no doubt made Hikaru was lifting my head, drawing me into a slow kiss that stole my breath away.

He tasted like sake, every stroke of his tongue against mine was like another sip of the sweet liquor. I stumbled backwards, sinking down into the warm water as we floated out into the middle of the pool. The feeling of his hard cock sliding against mine caused me to moan, the sound swallowed before it could escape.

Without breaking our kiss, Hikaru lifted himself higher, rearranging himself until my cock could slide between his legs. I moaned as he gently rutted against me, the head of my cock brushing his cheeks with just a teasing hint of what could be. He moaned my name into my mouth desperately, breaking away at last as he drew back and slid against me once more.

“Please fuck me,” he whispered sweetly, and my hands slid lower to hold him still as I teasingly rubbed against him.

“What about the no-fucking rule?” I asked, my drunk tongue tripping over the syllables, but he was quick with a reply.

“Make love to me then.” Momentarily stunned, he took the opportunity to angle his hips until I was pressing against his entrance, still soft and open from earlier. “Please.” He looked so vulnerable, all artifice striped away as he waited for my answer.

I tested the resistance, pushing gently to feel him slowly give way. I knew I was drunk, I knew I shouldn’t be fucking him in the onsen but he was asking me to and I _didn’t want to say no_. 

“Gently,” I clarified, and he nodded happily, clinging to me as I dropped one hand to my dick, guiding it until Hikaru was stretching around the head.

I rocked into him carefully, not wanting to hurt him and concern that I was going to tear something filling my mind. After a few tentative bucks I felt myself sliding deeper into his heat and soon Hikaru was moving, meeting my gentle thrusts with a slide of his own hips until we were joined.

My hands had settled over his hips, pulling him down onto me, one hand sliding around to his lower back as he rocked against me. I could feel his hands on my neck, sliding up until his fingers were lost in the damp strands of my hair. There were lips on mine again, stealing breath and kisses, and a whisper in my ear as I turned to kiss down his neck.

“I’ve always loved you.” His quiet confession did strange things to me as I held him close.

“Love you,” I managed to say back, but it was getting harder to form coherent thoughts as the sensations became overwhelming.

Sweet sake lips were back, pulling moans from me until I dropped my hands lower, cupping his cheeks so I could fuck into him faster and take some moans myself. I moved to close one hand over his cock, clumsy alcohol-fuelled limbs carrying out my commands without finesse but it was enough to cause him to fall against me with a gasp.

I could feel his slick desire under my fingers as I brushed over him, closing my fist around him to pump faster. Lips and tongue were teasing at my earlobe, sucking my flesh between teeth that grazed teasingly before sucking gently.

“ _Christian_ ,” he moaned softly, breath hitching as I felt his cock surge in my hand.

I was coming, hips stuttering helplessly against him as my release filled him again. Hikaru was twitching in my arms, his own release pumping against my palm and seeping through my fingers as it mixed with the warm water.

I felt light-headed, the combination of the heat, the sake and my orgasm making me dizzy. I leaned my forehead against Hikaru, drawing in deep breaths and hoping wildly that I wasn’t about to drown post-orgasm in a Hakone onsen.

“Are you ok?” Hikaru’s worried voice brought me back. He had one hand across my forehead, the other tenderly resting on my cheek and I leaned into his touch as I waited for the world to stop spinning.

“I’m fine,” I said weakly as I started to register we were closer to the ledge than I remembered. I looked down, slightly surprised to see that we were no longer connected and I felt a surge of disappointment.

“I think we should get you to bed.” He still sounded worried, and I hated myself for messing this up.

“I’m sorry.” I fell against him but it was Hikaru who was comforting me, one hand stroking my back as he kissed my cheek.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked, amusement creeping back into his voice now that the worry was fading.

“I’m tired.” It was getting harder to keep my eyes open and I stopped fighting it, letting Hikaru pull me to the edge of the pool. I was dimly aware of climbing from the water; the shock of the cold night air restoring some clarity as Hikaru led me back to our blessedly dark room and the soft futon it contained.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I frigging *told* you I love Hikaru


	20. Rumours and The Usual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this is so late, I fail at life orz I’m still not 100% happy with this and I hate to post it knowing that but I’m not getting anywhere just staring at it so please just take it away from me (-__-)
> 
> The thing that happened to Reina istg happened to a bestie of mine once (among many other bedroom accidents). I love her to pieces but the girl has the grace of a drunk baby gazelle (^o^) And finally, Nao is the cuddliest drunk and I wish she was my friend.

Chapter 20: Uwasa to Nichijou ~ Rumours and The Usual ~ 噂と日常

 

_2017_

Hikaru was still asleep and watching his peaceful face was doing wonderful things to my heart. If I was being perfectly honest I didn’t remember much of our after-dinner soak in the onsen; I had seriously underestimated the potency of the sake Hikaru had been pouring me and much of the evening was a blur. I did remember that we’d fooled around in the onsen, unless I had dreamt that part. If so it had been the only pleasant dream I’d had last night. The rest had been a torrent of guilty feelings about the last few weeks. I had been so wrapped up in myself I hadn’t cared that I was hurting Hikaru, and now I felt it catching up to me.

I reached out to touch his face, feather light touches down one cheek as I leaned closer press my lips softly to his temple. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” I whispered, tucking his hair behind one ear.

Hikaru was stirring awake, eyelashes fluttering as he reached up to take my hand.

“Apologise to my heart,” he murmured, dragging our hands lower and I let him press my palm over his beating heart.

“I’m sorry,” I said again, softer this time as I moved my hand to kiss his chest. From above me I heard Hikaru’s reply.

“I forgive you.”

I grinned, face turned into his chest so he couldn’t see my expression. “I thought I was talking to your heart?” I asked, trying and failing to sound reprimanding. A hand was gently stroking my hair and I relaxed further, letting my arms fall to the side as Hikaru curled an arm around me. 

“Well my heart forgives you too.”

The words were out without having to think them, falling from my lips as I snuggled against his chest. “I’m very lucky then.”

“ _Yeah_ you are,” he said teasingly, then, much softer, “how’s your head?”

“It’s been better,” I groaned, rolling off of him flop onto my own futon. “I might be stealing your sunnies later.”

Hikaru’s answering laugh was unquestionably the most beautiful sound in the world. As I pulled him on top of me, arms sliding around him to crush him close, I hoped that I would be hearing it for a long time yet.

At the back of my mind I had locked up my doubts, unwilling to examine them while I felt so happy and safe. For the first time in six years I felt like I had something worth living for. Hikaru had a soft smile on his face, one that made him look years younger as he tackled me in a hug that had us slotting together under the blanket, legs a tangled mess as he pressed closer to burrow his face in my neck. The warm body pressed against me had become so much more than just “Hikaru”. I was in love again. I was bound to someone again. And right now I felt too happy to be scared of what that might mean.

#

“I’m glad we came up here.”

Hikaru glanced up from his phone as I broke the silence, his smile mischievous as he set his phone back on the table.

“Really? I was under the impression you didn’t like my driving.” He looked pleased with himself as I reached over the table to flick his arm.

“I don’t,” I told him darkly, “Whoever passed you for your licence must’ve had balls of steel.” I shuddered as I recalled the drive Hikaru had taken us on through the hills. Our hire car had raced around the hairpin bends as the breathtaking scenery whipped past, a blur of green that I could hardly appreciate while I was clutching the safety handle and fearing a fiery crash.

He shrugged delicately, unfazed. “We made it, didn’t we?” he countered, and while I couldn’t argue with his logic I still felt that he had probably shortened my natural life expectancy by at least ten years.

“That’s not what I meant, anyway. Although,” I angled my seat so that I could look out over the balcony, “it is amazing up here.”

Hikaru had brought me to a restaurant for lunch, promising me the best western food in Eastern Japan. He hadn’t mentioned the view, which had been a nice surprise as we ate overlooking the valley.

I had meant that I was glad we’d come to Hakone, but I knew he was just teasing me. From the moment I’d woken up this morning I had felt _happy_. Hangover aside, which wasn’t even that bad considering I couldn’t remember getting to bed, it had been years since the last time I had felt this happy to just exist.

“Nearly time to go home,” Hikaru said quietly, and I nodded my agreement as the words sunk in.

 _Home_.

“But first,” Hikaru was fidgeting, and my eyes were draw to his closed fist on the table. “I wanted to give this to you last night, but…” he trailed off, and I leaned forward curiously as he slid his hand closer. Fingers uncurled to reveal a single key and I looked up in surprise.

“Is this…?” I asked hesitantly, not yet moving to take what I was positive was a key to Hikaru’s apartment.

“I know you want your own space, and that’s ok; I won’t intrude if you don’t want me to,” he took my hand and put the key on my palm, closing my fingers over it as he continued, “but I want you to know that you’re welcome, anytime, ok?”

I swallowed, eyes downcast. I could feel the key digging into my palm as I clenched my fist tighter. I had literally locked Hikaru out of my apartment and now he was giving me the key to his. I had no idea what to say.

“Are you sure?” I heard myself asking. I shouldn’t accept it. It wasn’t fair if I had a key and he didn’t. Of course, I could give him my spare key, but then what had been the point of changing the locks in the first place?

 _But things are different now_ , I reminded myself sternly.

“Hikaru,” I looked down at my closed fist, feeling a smile break out as I looked up again. “Thank you. I…I have a spare key at home so—“

Hikaru had been smiling but as I spoke it faltered for a second.

“No, that’s ok,” he said quickly, cutting me off. “You don’t have to do anything, I just wanted you to have this.”

I didn’t know how to reply, and I felt so conflicted that I just wordlessly nodded, deciding that this was a problem for future Chris. _That is,_ I thought wryly as Hikaru stood up, car keys once again jangling in his hand, _if I live to be future Chris_.

#

The drive down the mountain had been less harrowing than I expected. Hikaru might have taken pity on me, or maybe I was getting used to his crazy driving. Either way I hadn’t clung onto the safety handle once the entire drive back, and by the time Hikaru was dropping me outside our apartment building I was almost disappointed that the drive was over.

I jumped out to retrieve our luggage and leaned back over the passenger seat. “I’ll come over and see you later,” I said, quickly pecking him on the lips as leant over the centre console.

“Anytime,” he replied, and I waved him off as he left to return the car.

Hikaru’s apartment key was heavy in my pocket as I carried our luggage upstairs, and I took the bags straight down the hall to his room, opening the door with a feeling of nervous apprehension.

I had been in Hikaru’s apartment without him before but, on that occasion, I had used _his_ key; using a key that was _mine_ felt different in a way I wasn’t entirely sure I could process yet. I unpacked my belongings and returned to my own apartment, needing the sense of familiarity to deal with the evidence of how much had changed in the last twenty-four hours.

Back in my own room I had been resting on the sofa, and I had nearly dropped off to sleep when my phone rang loudly, startling me in the silence of my apartment.

“Chris! We miss you!” Sacchi’s voice was so loud I was staring down at my phone from a foot away and I could still hear her perfectly. There was giggling in the background and I wondered who was with her and if they were drunk on a Sunday afternoon.

“Hey Sacchi,” I replied, not really knowing what to say to her. I hadn’t really spent much time with Sacchi, even though I often saw her on set, but I had heard through other agency staff that she was known as a wild child.

“Chriiiis,” I recognised Nao’s voice as I put the phone back to my ear, “you don’t talk to me anymore.”

“Sorry Nao-chan,” I sunk down on the sofa, letting my eyes fall closed as I leant back, “I’ve been busy.”

“No excuses! Come hang with us,” she insisted, and I heard a scuffle as Sacchi presumably reclaimed her phone.

“I’ll send you the address,” she said, and before I could protest she hung up.

I stared at my silent phone, wondering what they could possibly want with me when the screen lit up with a message, a google map point that turned out to be an izakaya two stations away.

I was ambivalent about the idea of going out. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had wanted to, and the fact that I felt like it might be fun was surprising me. But things were going so well with Hikaru right now, and I felt strange about the idea of going out without him. I sighed, scrubbing my hand over my face as I stared at the address again. I could go hang out for a little while. They probably wouldn’t keep me out long anyway; it sounded like they might be pretty trashed already.

I stood up, giving my clothes and once-over and changing my t-shirt for one of my nicer work shirts before stuffing my wallet in my pocket and grabbing my keys.

I went straight to Hikaru’s apartment, unlocking it again with my new key. Hikaru must have heard the door open because he appeared framed in his bedroom doorway, watching me through lowered lashes as I went to him.

“Miss me already?” he asked, a flirty smirk playing on his lips as I gave him an appraising look.

“Boy, are _you_ going to be disappointed,” I said, pulling him closer to soften the blow with a kiss. It was easy to forget my original purpose when Hikaru melted into my chest, lips parting as I slid my tongue against his. I felt a hand on my shoulder rock me back, gently breaking our kiss as he looked up at me curiously.

“I can’t help but feel you have bad news for me,” he said with a fake pout, and I reached up to tweak his nose.

“I’m going out for a bit,” I said, and I was relieved when a smile replaced the pout.

“Ok,” he said, leaning back in to quickly peck me on the lips again. “When you get back, come and see me?” he asked hopefully, and I assured him I would bring us back dinner.

#

It didn’t take me long to find the girls when I arrived. Even if I hadn’t recognised agency staff sitting around a long, low table, Nao’s screech when she spotted me would have been enough.

“You came!” Nao was a blur as she rushed me, the drink grasped in her fist spilling a damp patch on my shirt as she tried to hug me one-armed. Completely baffled, I patted her awkwardly on the back before carefully disengaging. I could see Sacchi weave her way over to retrieve her friend.

“Nacchan, you’re scaring him,” she said in a stage whisper, winking at me as she pulled her off me.  

This was completely overwhelming. There were half a dozen conversations going on, and a few people watching us were laughing good-naturedly. As Sacchi and Nao grabbed an arm each to drag me over to their seats I wondered if this was what it was like to have friends. I was severely out of practice.

“To the PA Army!”

Nao had pressed a drink into my hand as Sacchi proposed the toast. A few hearty cries met her declaration and, as I sipped my beer, I felt a smile tug at my lips. Maybe it was the high-pressure conditions we worked under, or the bullshit attitudes we often had to put up with, but PAs sure knew how to let off steam.

I was finishing my first drink when Nao swayed closer to me, a sad look on her face. “I heard about the other day. On set.” I stared at her blankly before she heaved a sigh. “Princey’s meltdown,” she said softly.

Sacchi scoffed and leaned her elbows on the table. “Not this again,” she said, “I can’t believe he still has a job; I would’ve fired him on the spot.”  

I had to think about it for a moment before I remembered how Hikaru had walked out on the shoot. Had that really only been two days ago? It felt like an age had passed since then. I wondered what Sacchi had against Hikaru; I didn’t like her flippant attitude.

“It wasn’t that bad,” I said defensively, but Sacchi immediately replied, her hand in the air like she was answering at school.

“Um, I was there. It was bad.”

I hadn’t heard Sacchi talk like this before; on set I was constantly being buffeted between Hikaru and the execs, but of course she was always there with Reina, seeing everything. Thinking of Reina suddenly reminded me and I turned to ask how her ankle was.

“Hideous, but getting better,” she said, pulling a face. Nao was giggling now and I looked at her for an explanation but she couldn’t seem to get the words out.

“We’re saying she tripped on some stairs,” Sacchi supplied, leaning closer to whisper conspiratorially, “but really she fell out of bed.” The giggles were getting to her too as Nao fell against her helplessly.

“How do you fall out of bed?” I asked, but that just made them laugh harder. I decided I’d better steer the conversation to safer waters before one or both hyperventilated. “Will we be back on set tomorrow, do you think?”

“Oh yeah, definitely. She can walk on it at least,” Sacchi nodded, peering up at me as she added sarcastically, “Will _Hikaru-sama_ be joining us?”

“I think he’ll probably behave,” I told her, eyes sliding to the table to find my drink to avoid making eye contact. “He seems in a better mood these days.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” she said dismissively, and from her spot against Sacchi’s shoulder Nao sighed heavily. “What’s wrong, Nacchan?” She wrapped an arm around her as Nao slumped further.

“Poor Hikaru,” she mumbled sadly, and Sacchi rubbed her arm as she placated her friend.

“Yeah, poor baby,” she cooed, “it must be _so hard_ being an asshole all the time.” Her tone was soothing, and in her intoxicated state Nao didn’t seem to pick up on the sarcasm because she was nodding now as Sacchi hoisted her more firmly against her.

“You guys must have started early,” I commented idly, and Sacchi laughed as Nao’s eyes slid shut.

“I’m surprised you haven’t,” she grinned up at me. “Wanna bet how long before His Royal Stuck-on-himself makes a scene tomorrow?” I frowned, and when I didn’t offer a response she reached around Nao to nudge my arm. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” I said, trying to shake it off. “Actually,” I turned to face her, “Ease up a bit, ok? Hikaru’s been through a lot.”

To my surprise Sacchi rolled her eyes dramatically. “Oh _god_ , they got you _too_ ,” she exclaimed before tipping back the last of her drink. “Listen, I know it’s a sob story, and god knows I’m a sucker for romance, but no amount of heartbreak excuses that attitude.”

I leaned forward, insatiably curious even as the jealousy beast was stirring. “What sob story?” I asked, and Sacchi rolled her eyes again.

“Look, it’s not the norm for the agency but,” she shifted Nao to a more comfortable position so that she was now tucked against her shoulder, “Hikaru the Golden Child writes all his own lyrics, right?”

I nodded along with her, and then quickly shook my head. “Wait, what? He does?”

Looking incredibly unmoved, Sacchi continued. “Yeah, it was part of his contract. Imagine it: this little runt gets handed a debut and the first thing he says is “I’m only singing my own songs”, I mean,” she made a face of disgust, “how ungrateful can you get?”

I nodded again, but only to show I was listening so she’d keep talking. I’d had no idea Hikaru wrote his own lyrics. He’d released three albums in three years. I was impressed.

“So the agency is like, _fine_ , as long as they meet the standards, be our guest. And for a while everything’s great.” She paused in her tale as a fresh pitcher was placed on the table and I automatically reached out to refill her glass. “Thanks,” she murmured. “Where was I? Oh yeah,” she frowned. “ _Shattered_.”

 _The album last year_ , I though, sitting back to listen.

“You know he’s supposed to be touring for that right now? But _noooo_ ,” she snorted, pausing to take another sip. “In October he just walks into his manager’s office, says “I’m not singing anymore” and poor Yuu-chan had to put up with a shitstorm as the execs freaked out,” she gestured wide, almost knocking her drink over.

“So the whole agency is in an uproar. Hikaru won’t go on tour, and they can’t fire him because he’s like their top-billed talent, so they just release a statement saying he’s on hiatus for a voice-related injury but _stay tuned_ ,” she did spill her beer this time as she gestured, “because he’ll be starring in his first drama this spring,” she finished with a derisive laugh.

As Sacchi had animatedly told her story Nao had been blinking slowly, listening to her rant with a wavering smile as she played with Sacchi’s hair. Now she slid her arms around her, turning her face into her shoulder. “You don’t understand, Sacchi, he was _heartbroken_ ,” she wailed, and Sacchi spared a glance at her friend before fixing me with a withering look.

“Nacchan here has had a crush on him since _forever,_ ” she said dryly, “You should hear her theories.”

“It’s truuuue,” Nao insisted, tears shining in her eyes as she turned to look at me.

“There’s a story in the lyrics. Hikaru _was_ in love, and then he _lost_ them, and he’s been _waiting_ and _waiting_ —” Nao hiccupped, cutting off abruptly and Sacchi took over, “And then he decided he’d waited long enough,” she finished blithely.   

“Someone broke his heart,” Nao said softly, and Sacchi shook her head at her sympathetically.

“I wish it’d been me,” she said wistfully, “I would’ve stomped on it harder.” She had one arm curled around Nao protectively as she stroked her hair. “He was a jerk to you Nacchan; don’t feel sorry for him.” But Nao was twisting away from her and launching herself at me. I only had a second to react before she landed in my lap.

“You understand, don’t you Chris?” she said with a petulant look over her shoulder at Sacchi.

“…yeah,” I agreed, my voice stuck in my throat as Nao wriggled to get comfortable by my side. I had had no idea, and suddenly competing with my rising jealously was a feeling of insecurity, a voice wondering quietly if perhaps Hikaru had been using me much like I had been using him.

Sacchi just rolled her eyes. “Don’t come crying to me again when your feelings get hurt,” she announced, and reached for her beer again.

I was grateful that not long after that Sacchi insisted on a topic change, and after a few more refills I insisted that I needed to head home.

Out in the evening air my thoughts turned back to the new information I’d learnt tonight. I was desperately curious to hear Hikaru’s songs now but also afraid. What would I hear in them? Did I really want to listen to him pining for someone else? I tried to put it out of my mind as I sent him a text to say I was on my way back and asking what he wanted for dinner.

 _Hikaru’s with me now,_ I chanted as I read his reply, smiling at the row of heart marks at the bottom. I don’t have anything to be worried about. I gripped my phone tighter. _Nothing at all._

#

Hikaru’s face was politely puzzled as he opened the door, but immediately broke into a smile when he saw me standing outside holding up a bag of takeout.

“Dinner delivery,” I sang, stepped inside as he closed the door behind me.

“Why’d you ring the bell?” he asked, taking the bag from me as he leaned over to peck me on the cheek.

“Dunno,” I shrugged, sliding out of my shoes and settling in at the table as my new key weighed heavily in my pocket. “Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

He chuckled as he pulled out the containers. I noticed he had already put out plates, he must have set them out when I’d messaged earlier.

“Did you have fun?” he asked, and I looked up from the chopsticks wrapper I was slowly shredding.

“Yeah…” I said, letting it drop to the table as Hikaru put a plate down in front of me. I’d tried to put it out of my mind but Sacchi’s attitude was weighing heavily on me and I blurted out, “Why does Sacchi hate you?”

“Ah,” he winced as he made up a second plate, “she’s never liked me very much.”

As he took his seat I handed him a pair of chopsticks and watched him snap them apart.

“But why, what’d you do?” I asked as I poked at my rice.

Hikaru looked hesitant as he slowly replied, “Well, she’s friends with Nao-chan, so I guess she picked a side.”

“What do you mean?” I abandoned all pretence of eating as I waited for him to explain.  

“At the New Years party last year, Nao-chan got pretty drunk and sort of made a pass at me,” he grimaced as he added, “I shut her down pretty hard.”

Oh. Yeah that would probably do it.

“Hang on,” I watched as he took a sip of his drink, eyes on my over the rim of the glass as I leaned forward. “Wasn’t Nao-chan your PA when I started in April?” 

“Yeah,” he confirmed, “she apologised later. Just drunk rambling, she said.” He was playing with the glass, sliding it back and forwards on the table and leaving a growing patch of condensation.

“She’d only just been assigned and I sorta knew she was carrying a torch and…” he trailed off, eyes downcast as he continued. “I’ve been pretty hard on her,” he added in a quiet voice. “Before you got here,” he looked up, eyes quickly meeting mine before flicking away again, “I was a mess, but…it’s all in the past, right?” Sliding his drink out of the way he reached over, his hand sliding into mine to squeeze my fingers. “Can we just focus on the future?”

I swallowed, nodding when I didn’t trust myself to speak. I hadn’t expected the conversation to take this heavy direction and I quickly tried to deflect it to something more light hearted. I remembered what the girls had said about Reina and her injury, and my suspicions were confirmed when Hikaru laughed at the reason.

“Reina’s great: the nicest girl in the world,” he said, “but she’s also the clumsiest person I have ever met.” He had to put down his chopsticks as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “ _We’ve_ never fallen out of bed, and I’ll bet we’re more athletic than Reina,” he grinned at me and I couldn’t help grinning back. It was reassuring to know that Reina was doing athletic things in bed with someone who wasn’t Hikaru. I had never quite forgiven her for her closeness with him, but if she was falling out of bed with someone else then I could probably relax.

Maybe it was because we had been in a neutral territory, or maybe it was just being away from the city and work but I had found it easier to start facing up to my new reality in the hills of Hakone, and it looked like that new-found security might be following me home.

#

Monday morning was announced by twin alarms from both our phones. I was putting off the problem of my apartment by staying with Hikaru, and waking up next to him again, fighting for the bathroom and ending up in the shower together made my worries feel very far away.

I was still feeling relaxed from our time at the onsen, and while the work scheduled for this week was insane, I was riding the high of new love. Not that the novelty of show business hadn’t completely worn off by now. But I was finding work a lot more fun now that I was secretly dating my boss.

We were finally going to shoot the scenes we missed from last week, and they were all romance-heavy with Reina, but today Hikaru’s attitude was the polar opposite of those first few harrowing shoots. Hikaru was smiling between takes now, joking with the cast, and the director had even pulled me aside to personally thank me for whatever I had said to my capricious idol to get him to behave. Ears flaming red, I had assured him that I had only reminded him that he was a professional here to do a job and to my great relief the director had released me with a pat on the shoulder and a final word of thanks. Hikaru had laughed uproariously when I’d told him about it later that day.

This was worlds away from how I had felt watching the scenes we’d shot in Aomori. This time I was able to watch them perform the same actions over and over again, dropping their caressing touches between takes without a trace of the jealously that plagued me before. The space between them would widen as the director gave detailed instructions on how to hold her like _this_ , to touch him like _that,_ and I grinned from the shadows as I watched Hikaru nod seriously, face schooled into a concentrated mask as he carefully repeated each motion. 

Now that I had experienced the real thing with Hikaru it was impossible to feel envious of the facsimile of affection he was displaying for the cameras. And it only added to my sense of security that between set changes and during breaks I was often pulled into hidden alcoves and kissed senseless.

#

Somehow we had ended up ahead of schedule, much to everyone’s surprise, and so I found myself returning to the agency in the early afternoon on Thursday to catch up on my deskwork. I was dreading the pile that was surely stacking up during my absences.

After dropping off the selected fan letters for Hikaru’s radio show later that night I was returning to the elevators when I heard my name being called.

I turned to see Nao bounding up the corridor and I slowed my steps as she approached. I’d only seen her in passing a few times over the last week and I was struck how much I’d missed hanging out with her. _When had I started getting close to people again?_

“Did you hear?” she leaned in to whisper conspiratorially as she added, “About Hikaru?”

I shook my head as we came to a stop, “You’re not gonna believe this,” she climbed up on her tip toes, hand cupped around my ear as she whispered, “Princey hooked up in his dressing room last week.” I felt my blood run cold, willing my face not to show the blind panic I was feeling as she leant back.

“Everyone’s talking about it. I mean, isn’t that just so _unexpected_?” she continued, oblivious to my discomfort as we began walking again. “I never thought he’d be the type. I was so sure…” she trailed off, shaking her head as she continued, sounding a little forced this time. “I mean, if you think about it,” she started ticking off the points on her fingers “he’s good looking, successful. Most idols his age have already had half a dozen relationships crash and burn.” She looked over at me and I nodded stiffly, only half aware of my surroundings as we came to a stop by the elevators.

“But I always thought he was different. Chris?” I turned to look at her, taking in the way she was looking at me and scrabbling for some damage control. “You look kinda pale. You feeling alright?”

“Yeah, just a bit under the weather. I’ll be fine,”

“If you say so. So who do you think it is?” I blinked dumbly at her.

“What?”

“Princey’s secret lover?” she bounced on the balls of her feet, “The most popular opinion is Reina, but…” she trailed off, not looking convinced. The arrival of the elevator saved me from an immediate reply and as Nao stepped in I made the snap decision to just run away from this problem.

“I, uh, forgot something at my desk. I’ll see you later Nao-chan!”

“But this isn’t your floor—“

The doors slid closed, blocking Nao’s confused face as I breathed a sigh of relief. I wondered if the whispers had reached Hikaru yet.

#

Nao hadn’t been kidding about the rumours. The next day the weather cancelled our outdoor shoot and I was glad Hikaru stayed at home, far away from wagging tongues. I was stuck at the office all day and it seemed that Hikaru’s secret tryst was all the gossips were talking about, speculating on who, since when, and how long they thought it would last.

I was grateful that I hadn’t been around much recently because it was impossible to avoid being drawn in to the discussion. I managed to avoid the brunt of it by telling anyone who engaged with me that I didn’t believe or want to involve myself in such rumours surrounding my boss. That got rid of all but the most persistent which is how I found myself having a strategy meeting over lunch with Sacchi.

“The most popular suspect by far is Reina,” Sacchi said, chewing thoughtfully on her straw.

We had escaped the agency to have lunch at a nearby café because we were brainstorming ideas to dispel the rumours surrounding our bosses. Sacchi had approached me earlier to announce that she knew for a fact it wasn’t Reina and to ask who I thought it could have been. I had lied and told her that I had no idea and fortunately she believed me.

“There’s no proof that it was even Hikaru,” I said, and her eyes widened as she considered the possibility.

“Right! Someone could have snuck into his dressing room, it’s the perfect cover.”  She slurped the last of her milkshake and I shook my head. Sometimes I found it hard to believe that Sacchi was three years older than me.

“We could start a rumour it was someone else,” she mused, seeming a bit hesitant about the idea. “I don’t really want to involve anyone else though…” she added, and I couldn’t help smiling at her thoughtfulness.

“I’d volunteer, and I have plausible access to Hikaru’s dressing room, but…” I hesitated before adding, “I don’t know who’d be willing to put their hand up for the other party.”

“Hmm. Yeah, no offence,” she grinned to soften the blow, “But I don’t think I can convincingly pretend that we hooked up.” She tilted her head as she regarded me with amusement.

I raised an eyebrow at her. “I think I still feel offended,” I said dryly.

“Sorry,” she laughed, “everyone already knows I’ve got a type and you don’t really _fit_.” She held up her hands, sort of cupping them at chest height for a moment and I suddenly realised what she meant.

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t know,” I apologised as she shrugged it off.

“No big deal; I’m kinda surprised you haven’t heard already. I’m not hiding it and people love to talk.” she shrugged nonchalantly, like she hadn’t just dropped a gay bomb on me. Well if she didn’t think it was a big deal then I wasn’t going to make it an issue.

“What if we were drunk though?” I suggested, tapping my chopsticks on the edge of my plate thoughtfully. I knew just being drunk wasn’t actually something that made you suddenly forget your sexuality, but for a pretend rumour it would do.   

“Drunk at work?” Now it was her turn to raise her eyebrows at me. “We’d be in even more trouble.”

“Oh yeah.” I slumped down in my seat. It seemed hopeless. “What if it was all just a misunderstanding?” I asked suddenly, sitting up straighter as a thought occurred to me. Sacchi regarded me curiously and I elaborated.  “Maybe Hikaru was running lines and it just _sounded_ like hooking up?”

“But what could even sound like that? He’s not working on anything _heavy_.” She seemed to be considering it, leaning her chin on her hand as she tapped the table with one perfectly manicured nail.

“Could have been practicing though,” I insisted. “Maybe he wants to debut as a voice actor?”

Sacchi laughed, head thrown back and eyes sparkling. “A voice actor for what? BL Drama cds?” She shook her head before looking back over to me.

“Why not? I bet he’d be good at it,” I countered as she shook her head, a smile on her face as she thought about it.

“Doesn’t really suit his image. I can’t imagine the Prince being into that.” She chuckled again, playing with the straw of her drink.

“You’d be surprised what he’s into,” I muttered darkly, a wry smile twisting my lips as I tried not to grin.  

“ _No_ ,” she breathed softly, and I looked up in time to catch the look dawning on her face. Her eyes had gone wide and I flinched as she looked around quickly, leaning over the table to whisper, “I’m crazy, right? Tell me I’m crazy.” It looked like she’d put two and two together and I felt a blush heat my cheeks as she let out a whoop of victory. “Oh my god, I didn’t nearly bust you two last week?” She slapped her hands over her face as I mumbled something like “don’t be ridiculous” but she was already talking over me.

“I can’t believe you’ve just been calmly lying to me all this time! I thought we were friends.” She was laughing again, and I was relieved that she seemed not mad at me but amused as I tried to calm her down.

“It’s not nearly as exciting as you think.” I tried to rein her in, schooling my face not to betray my emotions.

“It’s sure as hell more exciting than Hikaru and Reina,” she shot back, batting her eyelashes at me. “So is it serious?”

“Of course not,” I lied smoothly, feeling my heart thumping loudly in my chest and hoping to god she couldn’t hear it because _god damn it that is loud._ “It isn’t even really anything.”

“If you say so.” She shrugged offhandedly, clearly unconvinced as she drummed her nails on the table. “This still leaves us with the problem of the rumours,” she looked at my slyly through lowered lashes. “Unless you want to come clean.”

I shook my head firmly. “Absolutely not,” I said, eyes widening in horror as she laughed again.

“I guess not then. No one’s going to mind you know,” she said, trailing off with a thoughtful look for a moment, but I shook my head.

“I don’t care what people think; it’s none of their business,” I clarified, desperately thinking that _I don’t want anyone else to know._

“It would only be agency gossip. No one’s going to sell you out, Chris.” But the more we discussed it the more I was sure that this wasn’t the answer.

“Maybe instead of trying to change _this_ rumour,” I said slowly, looking up as the thought formed. “We just need to start talking about something new and more interesting,” I finished thoughtfully.

“Good luck!” she scoffed good-naturedly, “Hikaru is a mystery that people _want_ to solve,” she was watching me, eyes boring into mine, “and you’re not going to distract them that easily.” Sacchi rose from her seat, reaching for the check at the same time I did.

“ _Oh_ _no_ you don’t,” I quickly snatched it away. “Lunch is on me, and in return,” I pointed a finger at her sternly, “you cannot breathe a word of this to anyone.” She pouted for a moment before her face morphed back into a grin.

“Deal. But I would’ve kept your secret anyway,” she smiled at me kindly, not with mirth but with true affection as she patted my arm. “I like you, Chris. Don’t let His Royal Stick-Up-His-Ass push you around, ok?”  

I stood at the counter waiting to pay, a tight feeling settling in my chest at the familiarity of the scene. For a moment I saw in Sacchi my highschool friend Celeste and I was filled with a loneliness that I hadn’t felt for years.

#

Hikaru was out when I got home, his apartment silent and empty as I used my own key. I put the rest of the beers I had bought in the fridge before collapsing on the sofa with one to wait for him. I’d nearly finished it by the time I heard his key in the door and as soon as he appeared the words burst out of me.

“We need to be more careful.”

Hikaru stopped dead in the doorway, a look of bemusement on his face as he kicked off his shoes and joined me on the sofa. “Well hello to you too,” he said playfully, nudging me in the shoulder before leaning against me with a sigh.

Determined not to be derailed, I continued with my planned scolding, but I slipped an arm around his shoulders as he snuggled closer.

“Someone heard us at the agency. In your room,” I specified, finger wiping the condensation from the can as I avoided his gaze. “Needless to say the rumour mill is going wild.” I could tell he was grinning at me before I saw it, turning to see him raise his face with pure mischief stamped across it.

“This is serious, Hikaru,” I told him sternly, “you’re already a troublemaker; a scandal is the absolute last thing your career needs.”He tried to pout, failing miserably as he moved to straddle me.

“What do the rumours say?” he crooned, clearly more amused than bothered as I ignored him. “Come on,” he coaxed, playfully grinding his hips against me as I remained tight-lipped. “Who do they think melted the Ice Prince’s heart?”

“Who said anything about your heart?” I scoffed at his antics, pushing him sideways off me as I climbed to my feet. “The rumour is you hooked up, not found your One True Love,” I threw back over my shoulder on the way to the fridge. Leaving my empty can in the sink, I retrieved two more cans, nudging the fridge door closed with my foot as I turned to see him watching me over the back of the sofa. I felt my resolve crack and gave in. There was no point in hiding it; he’d hear the rumours himself sooner or later.  

“They think it’s Reina.”

He disappeared, falling backwards with a howl of laughter.

“ _Reina_?” he gasped out, reaching for the can I handed him as he tried to pull himself upright.  “Please, are they even _trying_?”

“It’s a rumour, Hikaru,” I frowned at him over my can, taking a sip before I continued. “People just say what they see.” He was rolling his eyes at me but I pressed on regardless. “Lately you’ve been hanging out with Reina, hanging _off_ Reina,” I frowned down at him as I remembered the week after our fight. “And now there’s a rumour that you got lucky in your dressing room. Who else would they think it was?” I had settled back down next to him and he turned to lay back on my lap, head cushioned on my thighs as he swung his feet over the other end.

“ _Reina_ ,” he repeated incredulously, and he’d scrunched up his nose like the idea was so ridiculous he couldn’t even imagine it. “The truth’s way more fun.” He was grinning up at me now but I ignored it in favour of another sip before I replied.

“Sacchi certainly thinks so.”  I felt him tense up as his grin faded slightly.

“You told Sacchi?” I couldn’t tell if he was worried or disappointed.

“I told _no one,_ ” I emphasised, “she guessed,” I admitted with a grimace.

He was frowning, and I watched him sit up, taking another sip as he side-eyed me. “So what did you tell her?” he asked, leaving his beer on the coffee table before settling back on my lap.

“She’d already busted me, so I just told her it wasn’t anything serious and left it at that.”

“Ouch,” he said softly, and when I looked down I could see he was still frowning, his face a mask of displeasure as I brushed his hair soothingly.

“It was obviously a lie, Hikaru,” I told him with a sigh, “unless you want me to tell everyone who asks that I’m in love with you.”

“Are you?” he asked, and I could feel his eyes on me as I sipped my drink.

“Am I what?” I asked playfully, taking another sip of my drink.

“In love with me,” Hikaru asked, staring patiently up at me as I tried not to smile.

“Yes.” I gave up trying and let the smile that was threatening happen, but he still didn’t seem satisfied.

“Do you promise?” he pressed, eyes drifting closed as I stroked his hair again, relaxing as I let my fingers rake through the soft strands. I sighed, realising that this insecurity was probably my fault and it was on me to soothe it away.

“Yes,” I told him gently, “I promise.”

“Good,” he whispered, and I smiled down at him indulgently.

“Oi,” I called softly, and I saw the start of a smile just twitching. “You can’t sleep; we haven’t had dinner yet.”

“Don’t need dinner,” he said, rolling over so settle more comfortably on my lap, “Good night.”

I couldn’t tell if he was joking, but considering the number of times I’d fallen asleep on him in the past I figured I owed him this one, so with a shrug I leant back on the cushions, trying not to jostle him as I closed my own eyes to rest. 

#


	21. Notice it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, finally! My humblest apologies that this has taken me so long.

Chapter 21: Kizukeyo ~ Notice it ~ 気づけよ

2011

“Shut _up_!” Kareru moaned loudly, the school alarm ringing insistently as it had been for hours. His earlier panic had completely subsided, and now he was just cold and bored. He dug his phone out of his pocket, wishing for the hundredth time that he could message Christian but as he’d discovered nearly two hours ago, his data had completely run out. “Dammit,” he muttered under his breath, and instead he tried calling Tohru again.

He’d come up to the roof to skip PE, and at the time he hadn’t been bothered that no one else had wanted to skip with him, but he’d only just got to the roof when the first tremors had started, and without the internet and the roof access deadlocked with him on the outside it had been a total bust.

Still no answer from Tohru. He’d tried Masa and Yuichi too, no luck there either. Presumably everyone had been made to leave their phones when they evacuated. Annoyingly enough, he was locked on the wrong side of the building. He knew that the school was most probably assembled in the park across the street, unfortunately completely out of sight from where he now sat, slumped against the wire fence and feeling sorry for himself. 

The blaring alarm shut off as abruptly as it had started, and Kakeru breathed a sigh of relief, ears ringing in the sudden silence. Maybe now his friends would be able to return to their classrooms, and he’d be able to get one of them to come rescue him. He cringed at the thought of explaining what had happened; he’d moved the chair propping the door open and it had promptly swung shut, locking him out instantly. Tohru was never going to let him live this down.

The earthquake itself didn’t bother him so much as being alone; it was strange more than terrifying seeing the fissures tearing open the carpark four stories below, and from here he could see that the gym windows had shattered. He felt disconnected from it, almost like it wasn’t really happening to him, but more like a movie.

He tried Tohru again, waiting for the phone to ring out before giving up in disgust, knowing he had no choice but to try again in another few minutes. He slumped back again, the chain fence digging into his back as he tilted his head back to squint up at the swirling clouds. He’d been trying not to think about it, but it looked like it was going to snow soon; he could feel it in the air. He shivered as the cold seeped through his uniform and he spotted the first hint of puffy white drifting down.

The alarm abruptly started again, jolting him from his thoughts as he sat up, ears straining to hear the loudspeaker announcement that could be faintly heard from the building behind him. Standing up and dusting off his clothes, Kakeru hurried over to the door, peering through the window as he gripped the cold handle he already knew wouldn’t open.  With an ear pressed against the glass he could hear the announcement now, a calm voice telling all students to follow teachers to the evacuation point because a tsunami warning had just been issued.

“Hey!” he yelled, a burst of adrenaline moving him to try again, gloved fist pounding on the glass as he called out. “I’m stuck out here!” but it was no use; the school must already be empty. Movement in the corner of his eye attracted his attention, turning to see a stream of black uniforms marching on the far side of the school, no doubt on their way to the shrine at the hilltop. He ran to the far railing, shouting as loud as he could but the rising wind whipped his words back at him.

“Hey! Don’t leave me behind!” He sank to his knees, hands sliding down the railing as panic overtook him.

He was all alone.

He was still stuck on the roof.

The school alarm was still sounding, but now it was competing with the city alarm as it blared over the speakers. The shrill wail filled the air with the warning that a tsunami was imminent and all residents should take shelter on higher ground.

Fumbling in his pocket for his phone again Kakeru feverishly dialled home, breaths coming unevenly as he listened to it ring once, then twice before cutting out. He stared down at the screen, the “no service” icon displaying next to his battery icon just as the lights started going out in all visible buildings.

“ _Oh no_ ,” he whispered softly, squinting into the gloom as the snow fall thickened and the shape of the buildings in the distance began to shift. It wasn’t a great big wall of water like he imagined, more like a flood as dirty brown water carried abandoned cars and boats down the streets, the debris piling up on houses and pushing them off their foundations. It was unsettling, and he turned away from the sight, wondering if he’d be safe at this height as he huddled under the overhang by the locked door. Even if he was safe from the water, how long would he last outside in the snow? He shivered, rubbing his arms for warmth before he looked up and caught sight of the chair he’d moved, the chair that had trapped him up here in the first place. It gave him an idea.

Smashing in the window with the metal legs was easy; climbing through the tiny space now lined with jagged glass was not. He took off his jacket to fold over the worst of the broken glass, climbing gingerly through the small opening, but as he turned to jump down a searing pain caused him to cry out as he caught the back of his knee on a sharp edge. He fell to the ground heavily, both his shoulder and knee slamming against the cold concrete and for a moment he just lay there to catch his breath.

It was dark inside with no power as he gingerly climbed to his feet. The cold wind was swirling through the broken window now and he shivered as he touched his jacket. There was a tear in the fabric, the sharp shard of glass protruding wet with blood and as he pulled at the fabric he heard the tinkle of broken glass. It hadn’t even saved him from injury and now it was ruined. There was no way he could wear it now; he’d have to find something else. His leg was throbbing; he could feel warm blood seeping down his leg as he limped to the stairs.

Clinging firmly to the railing he slowly limped to the floor below. He could hear the water on the lower levels already, the slap of waves against the walls in the stairwell sending chills down his spine as he tried to think of a plan.

The nurse’s office seemed like a good place to start, but it was on the second floor. Every step down was painful and slow. It was eerie passing dark, empty classrooms as he staggered down the hall, one hand on the wall for support as he made his way to the sick bay. He was grateful that the first aid kit wasn’t locked away, and he grabbed it before pulling the blankets off the beds. He had no idea how high the water was likely to reach and getting back to the fourth floor was now his priority.

The climb back up the stairs was slower than his descent, and by the time he reached his classroom tears were streaming freely down his face. He used his phone for light, huddled on the floor with a blanket around his shoulders as he checked the first aid kit.

A ginger press against the wound caused a flash of pain, but it didn’t seem like there was any glass stuck in it. The antiseptic stung like a bitch, and he grit his teeth as it poured over the cut. He couldn’t see it clearly, having to twist his leg uncomfortably to even see the edge, but it looked deep and with a sick feeling twisting in his gut he realised it probably would need stitches. For now he wrapped it as tightly as he could, because if he couldn’t stop the bleeding now he was in trouble.

More trouble than he was already in, anyway.  

He needed to find help, but he was stuck here for now. Shivering, he pulled the blankets tighter as he lay down, wincing at the ache in his shoulder and the pain lancing through his leg. Tomorrow he’d try to find help. Tomorrow. Right now, he just wanted to sleep.

## #

2017

I woke up to the sound of the shower, and when I lifted my head I could see that Hikaru’s side of the bed was empty. He’d fallen asleep in the living room last night and so I had carried him to bed, joining him later after a brief internal debate about whether I wanted to go home or not. I checked my phone, squinting at the bright light and was surprised to see it was only five am.

“Hikaru?” I sat up, blinking and rubbing the sleep from my eyes as the shower shut off, and after a minute the door opened. “Why’re you up so early?” I asked, and he smiled as he wrapped the towel around his waist, but it wasn’t reaching his eyes.

“I didn’t sleep well,” he said non-committedly, and I patted the bed next to me.

“C’mere,” I said, grateful when he climbed back into bed with me. He’d kept his hair out of the way in a bun, and I took it down now and combed it with my fingers as he slowly relaxed. I didn’t want to pry, but after a few minutes Hikaru rolled over, face pressed into my chest as he quietly admitted,

“I had a nightmare.” I hugged him to me, kissing the top of his head as I murmured soothing things. It was strange to think of someone like Hikaru having bad dreams. It seemed wrong somehow, that Hikaru might have bad memories. I froze as I recalled that I knew that Hikaru had bad memories, because Nao and Sacchi had told me, hadn’t they? Hikaru had his heart broken, and now that I was thinking about it, a faint memory of Nao telling me he’d lost his family was coming back to me. The sudden realisation that I knew absolutely nothing about the man in my arms made me feel ashamed.

“Do you…” I started hesitantly, sickened and ashamed that I couldn’t commit to helping him but I wasn’t sure I could handle it if he wanted to tell me about his feelings for someone else, but I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued anyway. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I felt him move, pressing a kiss to my chest. “No,” he said softly, and I breathed a sigh of relief, “it’s all in the past, I don’t want to drag it into the future.” He was moving higher, capturing my lips and I responded to him, hands sliding up his back to pull him closer to me. 

“Chris?” he had pulled back slightly and I leaned up to chase his lips, catching them again before he pushed me back to the bed and turned to kiss my cheek. I let him kiss me, unable to supress an appreciative moan as he licked the shell of my ear. “I love you,” he whispered, and I crushed him to my chest. “I want to make love to you,” he whispered, moving back to check my reaction as I watched him with wide eyes. “Can I?” he asked, and I felt myself nodding mutely, wondering if I should warn him I had never done that before but at the same time I knew I trusted him completely. Hikaru would take care of me.

He smiled softly as he leaned back in to capture my lips and my heart was melting. I felt his fingers squeezing mine before they let go, sliding into my hair as he cradled my head and kissed me. The proof of his arousal was pressing into me and I knew he could feel the same, my cock twitching to life and grazing against him as he shifted.

“Relax, ok?” he whispered, moving off me to retrieve the lube and returning to settle between my bent knees. I felt an awkwardness I had not felt in years as Hikaru shuffled down between my parted legs. He turned to press a kiss to each of my thighs, gently nudging them further apart as he moved lower, his warmth breath caressing me.

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” I heard him sigh before mouthing at my sack, tongue probing as he lifted me carefully to lick lower. My toes curled into the mattress, lifting me higher and he hummed appreciatively as he licked between my legs.

A shudder ran through me as he propped me up higher to suck lightly over me, tongue flicking out to probe against my entrance. Each time I felt the insistent probe of his tongue my hips jerked and my hand had moved to close around myself before I’d realised, the gentle pressure on my cock adding to the pleasure Hikaru was affecting below. I knew the moment he noticed my hand because he chuckled, the puff of warm breath ghosting over me just as I slid my hand down to the base.

“Keep touching yourself,” he whispered, and I closed my eyes as I obeyed, listening for him as he shifted between my legs. I heard the sound of the lube being opened and the slick sound of Hikaru rubbing his fingers together before a warm dry hand smoothed up my shin and over to rest on my knee.

“Have you ever touched yourself here?” he asked softly, slick fingers sliding down from my sack to rub over my entrance.

“No.” I shook my head as I said the word, eyes still closed and unsure if he was watching me. I could hear the smile in his voice as he delicately ghosted his fingers over me, light touches teasing as he replied,

“I’ll be very gentle; relax.” Despite his reassuring words and my trust in him I was still nervous and I didn’t notice until he pointed it out that I was holding my breath. “Relax, Chris. Breathe,” he coached gently, one hand rubbing soothingly up and down my thigh as he touched me with feather-light strokes. I drew in a deep but shaky breath, letting it out slowly before taking another, feeling myself start to relax as I sank back down onto the pillows.

“That’s it, perfect,” Hikaru pressed a kiss to my bent knee and I smiled at the praise. My hand had grown lazy, barely moving and more just holding my cock as I listened to the slick sounds Hikaru’s fingers made against my skin. “Are you ready? Just one to start, ok?” he said softly, and I gasped as his words sent me reeling with a flash of a memory of a dark room, hushed voices and inexperienced fumbling hands. I could feel the slight burn of a stretch as he pushed in to me, the heat fading to be replaced with a strange feeling that was reminding me too vividly of my first time with Kakeru.

“Relax, Chris,” he repeated, kissing my knee again and stroking my thigh reassuringly as he slowly moved. I took deliberate, deep breaths as I concentrated on the feeling of him sliding in and out of me. “You’re doing so well,” he whispered encouragingly as I sank back, tension draining out of me as my chest rose and fell evenly. A rush of pleasure hit me and I twitched, unable to stop the low moan that tore from my throat. I heard a chuckle; Hikaru had turned to press his lips against my knee and I could feel him smiling even as bolts of pleasure continued to jerk through my legs. 

“ _There you go_ ,” he whispered as I gripped handfuls of the sheets.

Hikaru’s hand had replaced mine as he fisted around my cock, light pressure stroking me in time to the slide of his finger below. I felt helpless under his hands, immobilised by pleasure as he softly whispered reassuringly to me. I was distracted by his lips around my cock, tongue teasing the slit as he sucked me. I arched into his touch, my wordless cry echoing in my ears even as I felt the stretch of a second finger. It didn’t hurt as I stretched around him, slowly adjusting as he continued to suck my cock, the distraction keeping me relaxed.

When he began to move again I couldn’t keep quiet. I could feel him stroking my insides, repeatedly brushing against the place that caused my knees to go weak. His fingers were scissoring, stretching me open until he could slip a third finger in easily as he continued to tease me.  

If he kept this up for much longer I wasn’t going to last; already I could feel the familiar tightening in my belly as I teetered on the edge. Sensing how close I was, Hikaru’s fist had dropped to the base of my cock, fingers squeezing tight as I felt my hips shudder with my aborted release. Chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath I reached down to touch him, hands brushing clumsily over his wrist as I tried to find something to ground me.

“How does it feel?” he asked softly, hand sliding from my cock to smooth up my thigh.

“So good,” I moaned, shifting my hips as he continued to slowly caress me. “Amazing,” I added as he withdrew his fingers, leaning up to capture my lips with his.

“It gets better,” he promised in a whisper before kissing back down my chest until he was once more settled between my knees. I let my eyes drift closed as he arranged himself. In the silence I could hear the sound of more lube begin poured out, the wet smacks of his slick hand pumping his cock sending shivers up my spine as I waited in eager anticipation. He didn’t keep me waiting long; soon I could feel the gentle pressure of his blunt tip smoothing over my entrance and I arched into the touch. The feeling of him penetrating me sent a flush of heat radiating through my body and I instinctively bent my knees further, reaching for him as I tried to pull him down closer.

“Please, Hikaru,” I could hear myself babbling, unable to stop the words pouring out of my mouth as I lost myself in the feeling. “It feels so right; don’t stop,”

He continued to sink into me maddeningly slowly and the gentle pressure of him filling me was almost too much to bear. I had reached up to pull his lips back down to mine, trying to convey with lips and tongue the desperation that my words had been unable to communicate. As we kissed I felt him move, hips beginning a slow slide that pulled a moan deep from my chest and I heard him chuckle as he nudged my head aside to nuzzle at my neck.

“Chris, Chris, _Chris_ ,” he murmured in amusement, and I was gratified to hear his voice was heavy with desire, clearly as affected as I was as he moved to nibble my earlobe. “Slow down; we have plenty of time.” A spark of fear flared in my chest; old anxieties awakened as I clutched Hikaru to me, legs wrapping around him to trap him in place.

“Don’t leave me,” I whispered desperately, my fingers sliding into his hair to cradle his head as he bent over me.

“I won’t leave you.” His reply was softly spoken and I opened my eyes slowly, Hikaru’s face coming into focus as he gazed down at me. “I’d never leave you,” he promised, bending to capture my lips once more. I surrendered to the tender caress of his tongue as he began to move in me again. My momentary panic was subsiding as I bucked under him, pleasure once again assaulting my senses as I let myself relax. I was still cradling his head, the feel of his silky hair through my fingers anchoring me to him just as surely as the connection of our bodies. Hikaru’s hand had splayed on my stomach and the gentle pressure was quickly bringing me undone as he quickened his pace.

I lost our rhythm in the end, bucking helplessly as his hips snapped into me and I felt the hot spurts of my release slick my skin moments before the pulse of Hikaru spilling deep inside me. I pulled him back down to my lips as he came, swallowing his moans as I tightened around him. I felt weak in the wake of my orgasm and my limbs grew heavy, unable to cling as I wanted. Hikaru was sinking into my embrace, chest pressed flush to mine and I could hear our matched heartbeats pounding as we caught our breath. Hikaru was the first to stir, pushing up to kiss and nibble down my neck as he teased me with a gentle roll of his hips.

“I love you,” he whispered to me, lips grazing as he kissed over my still-racing pulse, and this time I wrapped my arms around him, unafraid as I guided him back to my lips.

“I love you, too.”

I would have been content to fall asleep but Hikaru was already climbing off me. “It’s nearly time to get up anyway,” he called from the bathroom before returning with a warm cloth, and I groaned melodramatically as he climbed back onto the bed. I lay still, relaxed and sated and positively brimming with happiness as Hikaru gently cleaned up our mess. In moments like these it was easy to forget about the past. Maybe I didn’t need to know. Maybe Hikaru was right and we should just focus on the future. 

## #

I supressed the groan of frustration that was threatening to spill, choosing instead to refocus my energy on finding clean clothes to wear in my apartment. My room had started to resemble Hikaru’s, with clothes hanging off most surfaces, and as I snagged the last remaining clean shirt from the wardrobe I vowed to spend some time over here cleaning up tonight.

I’d only come home to change, anxiously checking the time as I stepped into my shoes and made sure I had my keys and wallet. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself by walking in late today, because I was having a hard time keeping the ridiculous smile off my face and any extra focus on me was probably just going to cause issues. Pulling my door shut behind me, I noticed Hikaru down the hall doing exactly the same thing, and in spite of my rush I waited for him to reach me so we could walk to the elevator together.

This was my first mistake, because Hikaru’s taxi was already waiting for him and he somehow managed to convince me to ride to work with him, so despite my better judgement I soon found myself standing in front of the agency telling Hikaru in a furious whisper that “No, we cannot hold hands _are you crazy_?!” Hikaru pouted, arms crossed over his chest as I brushed down my jacket.

“Look,” I began, somewhat contritely because he looked so forlorn it was tugging at my heartstrings like crazy. “It’s like I told you yesterday, we have to be more careful.” Hikaru didn’t seem to be listening; I watched him sniff disdainfully at me before marching up the steps, leaving me standing in the street arguing with myself. “We’re gonna get busted,” I whispered to no one in particular. I wasn’t sure if it’d be better to hope for Hikaru to be busy or not, just as long as he was on the other side of the building as much as possible, that was probably the best I could hope for.

## #

The first few hours of work trickled by slowly, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary so far. At least, nothing except Yuuka disappearing around nine thirty with a dark look on her face. I’d seen that look before, although thankfully I hadn’t been on the receiving end yet. Someone somewhere was in trouble and from the way she had stomped out of the office I was glad it wasn’t me.

I’d forgotten all about it half an hour later, so when I was summoned to a conference room two floors up I hadn’t the slightest idea what it could be about.

“Nao!” I waved, a friendly smile on my face as I noticed Nao waiting down the hall, and she jumped as she turned and saw me. 

“Oh, hey Chris,” she said, clearly uncomfortable as she avoided my gaze.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, just as the door opened and a solemn-faced Yuuka motioned me forward. Confusion was clouding my face. I’d thought Nao and I were friends, but she had turned away, so with a final glance back at Nao the door was closed between us and I followed Yuuka over to the desk.

“Have a seat Chris,” she indicated the empty chair as she walked around and sank into her own chair. She looked uncomfortable, a frown on her face as she looked over at me.

“As Hikaru’s manager I’ve been told I need to talk to you,” she began hesitantly, and I felt a flicker of fear at where this might be going. “But,” she added after a pause, “as Hikaru’s friend I’m not really sure what to say.” I figured my best defence was not to say anything, so I kept silent as she took a deep breath to continue. Her speech seemed rehearsed, her steady voice informing me that to an Idol image was everything.

“Yes, I’m aware of how the industry works,” I agreed with a nod, and her eyes flashed to mine briefly. 

“Then you’ll understand how damaging certain photos might be, if they were to be made public.”

My heart sank as Yuuka slid an iPad across the desk, several pictures of what was unmistakably myself and Hikaru in Hakone. I flicked through the images, several showing us leaving the onsen, leaving over to kiss in the car, holding hands on the table at lunch… 

“We’ve bought them. It was just unlucky that this photographer was in the area; but we’ve been assured that these are the only photos.” Steeling my resolve, I looked up from the damning evidence.

“Have you already spoken to Hikaru?” I asked, and I felt my stomach drop as she nodded once. “What did he have to say?”

She bit her lip, eyes on the iPad instead of me as she hesitated.

“He…” she trailed off, taking a deep breath. “We talked about a lot of things,” she said. “He made it very clear,” I looked up as she began tapping her long nails on the desk, “that he would _not_ be willing to pretend to be single at this time.”

The insinuation didn’t need to be voiced by the way her eyes were now boring into mine. I swallowed nervously, feeling a bit overwhelmed that Hikaru had apparently told Yuuka to stick the contract clause. It was terrifying to think that he might be willing to throw away his career over me.  

“I suppose I could…talk to him?” I suggested hesitantly, gaining confidence when she didn’t look away. “I’m sure Hikaru didn’t mean—“ 

“Oh, I know he meant it,” Yuuka cut me off abruptly. “I’ve never seen him look so sure,” she sighed heavily as she added, “plus he’s always been like this, and he told me in the beginning it was never going to be forever…” she trailed off, and I waited to see if she was going to explain further. “Just what exactly are you planning on saying to Hikaru?” Yuuka asked suddenly. 

She looked so serious, and from the way she had been saying “Hikaru”, not “Princey” or “Hikaru-sama” or any of the other silly ways we called him for fun made me realise just how much Yuuka must care about Hikaru. She had probably watched him join the agency, followed his developing career, witnessed his spiralling depression then his recent recovery. I tried to reassure her that I wasn’t going to break his heart, but she looked unconvinced.

“I’m just going to remind him that he has a contract and a career to think about; he can still have a relationship; he just can’t flaunt it in public.” Something Hikaru had said back in Aomori came back to me, about secret relationships being romantic. Surely he wouldn’t be against keeping whatever was happening between us out of the public eye. Yuuka was regarding me thoughtfully, an unreadable look in her eyes.

“Just…remember to be gentle,” she said finally. “Hikaru hasn’t used his heart in a long time; it’s fragile.”

I nodded, thinking back over all the times I had unintentionally hurt him with my careless words and actions. “I know,” I told her, meeting her gaze to show her that I took her words and advice seriously. “I’ll be careful.”

## #

I made my way towards Hikaru’s dressing room, uncomfortably aware of how exposed I was walking in the open hall and praying I didn’t pass anyone before I reached my destination. Finally I was pulling the door open, breathing a sigh of relief as I ducked inside and shut the door behind me.

“Hey,” a soft voice greeted me, and I felt some of the tension in my shoulders relax.

“Hey, troublemaker,” was my reply, trying to school my face into a mask of seriousness as I found him curled up on the sofa.

“What slander is this? I’m not making any trouble,” he replied cheerfully, tossing aside the script he’d been reading as I raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Oh yeah? Then why did I just get lectured by Yuuka?” I asked, sinking down next to him and pulling him onto my lap. 

He grimaced, a contrite look on his face for barely a second before he grinned at me. “Sorry.”

“You don’t look very sorry,” I shot back, his grin only widening in response.

“What did she say to you?” he asked curiously.

“That you’re a fool to throw your career away,” I said, leaning my head against his shoulder as I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

“I’m not “throwing it away”,” he insisted hotly, “And even if I was, it’s _my_ career.”

“Hikaru,” I paused, hands moving to gently grip his shoulders so I could meet his gaze, “I’m not worth it.”

He frowned at that. “Chris,” he reached up, fingertips brushing over my neck and making me shiver as he gently kissed my forehead. “You’re worth everything and more.” That was a frightening thought. He sighed, a wry smile on his face as he added, “But sometimes I wonder if you were a blessing or a curse on my life.”

“Oh, definitely a curse,” I said without hesitation.

“That was a joke, Chris. You know that right? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Didn’t your first album have record breaking sales in its first week?” I asked, eyebrow raised as I called him out on his bullshit.

“The best thing,” he reiterated seriously, and it took a long moment for that to sink in.

“So what do we do?” I asked, frowning again as the next thought occurred to me, “I guess the agency knows now.”

“Yuu-chan will sort it out,” Hikaru said flippantly, and I tried to look stern for a moment.

“You can’t just rely on Yuuka to fix everything for you,” I chastised gently, but he wasn’t even listening anymore.

“So if everyone knows already we don’t have to hide anymore,” he said, and I sighed as I realised it was a lost cause.

“I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough,” I muttered.

“Sure I am, hey!” he sat up excitedly and I let him pull back as he twisted excitedly to face me, “We should go out for dinner tonight!”

“Hikaru,” I moaned, but he was already slipping away as he grabbed his phone from the coffee table.

“How about it?” he was asking, and I watched as he presumably looked something up. “Somewhere really nice…”

“What exactly about the concept of keeping a low profile is confusing you?” I asked in exasperation, but his eyes were fixed on his phone. “Hikaru?” I waved my hand in front of his face but he was ignoring me, _deliberately_ , I thought, judging by the flash of amusement in his eyes. “Right, you asked for it,” I said seriously, tackling him to the sofa and tickling him as he shrieked with laughter.

There was a knock on the door and we both turned our heads to look. Hikaru, pinned under me on the sofa with his head tilted back to see the door called out, “Come in!” and I scrambled off him guiltily as the door opened to reveal Sacchi.

“Hey, can I talk to—? Yikes, I’ll come back later,” she had wheeled around and was walking out again, and I looked between her and Hikaru as colour flooded my face.

“No! Wait! Sacchi, come back!” I called, and she turned back slowly with an enormous grin on her face, shutting the door as she pointed a finger at me dramatically.

“That _definitely_ counts,” she said confidently, and Hikaru sat up, looking extremely pleased with himself.

“What counts?” he asked flippantly, making himself more comfortable as I ran a hand through my hair anxiously.

“Busting you two,” Sacchi announced proudly, and I rolled my eyes at her. “Honestly, we’re at _work_ ,” she continued, and I flopped down on the other end of the sofa, leaving a gap as Sacchi folded her arms and gave as a stern look. “Can’t you lovebirds keep your hands off each other for a single day?” I opened my mouth to reply but no words were forthcoming, I was just opening and closing my mouth at her, but Hikaru recovered quickly.

“Nope,” he said easily, and I let my head drop back on the sofa, hands over my face as Sacchi laughed.

“Well, at least one of you is honest,” she said drily, then, “I’m here to reschedule; Reina wants to know if we can have dinner at six instead of eight, she’s got a _thing_ later.” I peeked through my fingers at Hikaru, dropping my hands as I saw the blood drain from Hikaru’s face.

“Whoops,” he said, recovering quickly as a brilliant smile lit up his face, “I completely forgot we were doing dinner tonight.” I stared at him in disbelief as he shrugged. “That works out really well, though, six is fine.” 

“Great!” Sacchi said brightly, turning back and reaching for the door handle, “I’ll, uh…” she paused, throwing a look back at me that had me blushing again, “leave you to it, I guess.” And with a final wink she was gone.

“Oh my god,” I moaned, collapsing sideways on the sofa as Hikaru laughed.

“We weren’t even doing anything,” he said easily, and when I looked up I could see his phone was in his hand again.

“What’s this “dinner with Reina”,” I asked suspiciously, and he grinned at me.

“You’ll see tonight, you’re invited too,” he said evasively, and after a brief internal struggle I decided that was a battle I would probably lose.

“Alright, then,” I climbed to my feet, bending down to kiss him quickly before I straightened my clothes. “I’ve got actual work to do, you behave yourself,” I told him with a finger wag.

“Don’t I always?” he replied flippantly, and I couldn’t help leaning back down to kiss his cheek.

“You really don’t want me to answer that.”

## #

Despite my claims to Hikaru, I didn’t actually have much to do today and by the time I wandered back from lunch I was bored and restless, so I went in search of Yuuka for more work.

“You’re a champion, Chris. Here, can you sort this out? I need everyone’s details updated before Golden Week.” Yuuka handed me a stack of forms and showed me how to look up each employee on our database and check it against the new insurance forms for this year. “It’s boring but it’ll keep you busy.” I assured her I was happy to do it, settling back in at my desk and pulling “Amane, Ai”’s form towards me as I logged in.

Four hours and almost sixty employees later and I wasn’t even halfway through the stack. Yuuka hadn’t been kidding, but I was sure I’d be able to get through the rest before the deadline. I felt an odd pang at the reminder of the holiday coming up. If I had still wanted to make the trip to Miyagi, this would have been the perfect time. Everything might have been shut but I doubted I would have got any information from the municipal offices anyway. I could have wandered the area though, checked the memorials. But I knew I wasn’t going to do it now. I didn’t need it, I had chosen Hikaru and I was determined not to let anything interfere with what I was building with him now. As I had this thought he appeared like I had summoned him, smiling as he strode purposefully though the desks towards me and I realised it was already late.

“Hikkun, what are you doing down here?” Yuuka wandered over and I looked back down at the files, not sure how to act with an audience.

“Hey Yuu-chan,” he greeted her casually. “I’m here for my boyfriend; are you planning on letting him go anytime soon?” My face felt like it was on fire as Yuuka turned her gaze on me.

“Of course,” I looked up at her as she patted my shoulder, “Great work today, Chris, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I watched her sidle away before I started tidying up the files.

“Low profile,” I hummed under my breath, and Hikaru laughed as he leaned against my desk. I locked the files in my desk drawer, straightening up with a smile as Hikaru grinned at me.

“We’ve got a dinner appointment to make, shall we?” He offered me his arm and I glanced around the office quickly, pushing his arm down but leaning in to kiss his cheek quickly instead.

“Try, please, _try_ to behave,” I stressed, not feeling reassured at the mischievous look on his face.

## #

Our “dinner appointment” turned out to be at a small place not far from our apartment building. By the time we had both changed and locked our doors it was already after six and Hikaru sent a message that we were running late but on our way.

“This place makes the best udon, I swear,” Hikaru promised, holding aside the curtain for me as I ducked inside. I spotted Reina quickly, and she waved as we slid out of our shoes and followed the hostess to the low table.

“Hey Chris,” Reina greeted me cheerfully, and I returned the greeting to both her and Sacchi who was seated next to her. There were half-drunk drinks on the table and I smiled wryly at the thought that at least they hadn’t been bored waiting for us.

“How’s the leg today, Rei?” Hikaru asked as he sunk into the seat next to me, and I added my own concern as she laughed it off.

“Almost completely better,” she said, waving it off, “honestly I think my pride suffered the most damage,” she giggled, and Sacchi laughed, giving her a fond look.

“This isn’t doing much to dispel the rumours about you two y’know,” I told Hikaru with a pointed look at Reina, but she was just shrugging elegantly.

“There are worse things people could say about me,” she said, and with a sly smile she added, “Besides, isn’t this a convenient excuse for you too?” I gaped at her for a moment, not sure just how much she was privy to until Hikaru squeezed my hand.

“Do you think you could stop making my boyfriend blush, Reina? That’s my job,” he said confidently, and I felt like my grasp of the situation was slipping out of my control.

“Sacchi,” I turned to her, eyes pleading with her to be the voice of reason, “can you possibly explain to Hikaru-san the meaning of the term “low profile?” I begged, but any response was drowned out by Hikaru and Reina’s laughter.

“Sacchi is the _last_ person who can help with that,” Hikaru told me with tears in his eyes, and that was the moment I officially gave up.

Several drinks later Reina was getting louder as she leaned over the table to pat Hikaru on the arm.

“I’m jus’ so happy fer you,” she slurred, a huge grin on her face. “You wer’ jus’ a sad lil boy when I met you, y’know?” her smile was fond as she tried semi-successfully to pat him arm. “But you found what you were looking for!”

“Gee, thanks Rei,” Hikaru smiled indulgently at her but Sacchi was already moving to hold Reina upright.

“I mean it!” she said insistently, and I saw her gaze swing over to me. “Chris, take good care of him!” Sacchi was patting Reina’s arm in a patronising way as she continued to gesture between us with her mostly empty glass. “You two are per—perfect for each other like – _hic_ —! like a fairy tale,” she finished wistfully. 

“Alright, I think that’s enough,” Sacchi was saying, gently prying the drink from Reina’s hand. “Say goodnight now Reina, remember you still have people to meet tonight.” Reina giggled, collapsing on Sacchi as she tried vainly to get her to sit upright. 

“Oh yeah!” she laughed again before raising a finger to her lips and shushing us. I cast a bewildered look at Hikaru but he was just smiling indulgently at her. “Don’t tell _anyone_ ,” she whispered loudly, “Tomo-chan is coming over!” She’d closed her eyes, leaning heavily on Sacchi’s shoulder as she mumbled, “It’s the only night this week he has free.” I jumped to my feet to help Sacchi as she tried to encourage Reina to stand.

“It’s nice you’ll get to spend time with him then,” I said generally, and Reina nodded, wobbling on her feet until Sacchi pushed her to lean on me.

“Yeah, he’ll be thrilled,” Sacchi muttered under her breath as she shouldered both of their handbags. “Come on, princess,” she said, louder this time. “Let’s see if we can get you sobered up before your boyfriend gets here.” Sacchi had pulled an arm over her shoulder and once she had Reina supported I let her take her away, waving at them as Reina wheeled around to us again.

“Bye bye!” she called loudly, and I cringed as other patrons cast looks in our direction, but offered a small wave that had Reina grinning at me again. I watched them until they disappeared down the hall before sitting back down next to a highly amused Hikaru.

“Well that was different,” I commented lightly, and Hikaru laughed happily before finishing his own drink. I glanced over at him, taking in how relaxed he looked, and wondering for the millionth time how I’d got so lucky to have such an amazing person by my side.

“Come on,” he stood up, reaching down to help pull me to my feet. “Let’s go home.” And because it was dark, I let him hold my hand almost the entire way back.

## #

“What kept you so busy all afternoon?” Hikaru asked, moving to straddle my waist as he leaned down to kiss me.

“Boring desk work,” I told him between kisses. “Updating employee records.” I told him that I’d managed to get from ‘Amane, Ai’ to ‘Suzuki, Rika’ that afternoon before something strange occurred to me. “How come you weren’t there?” I asked, moving back to catch his eye as he slid his hands behind my neck. “You should have been in the ka’s. Kaneshiro, Hikaru.”

He looked at me steadily, a light frown creasing his forehead. “But that’s just a stage name,” he said slowly, eyes still fixed on me as I considered this new information.

“Oh. I didn’t know that.” He was still frowning, eyes narrowed as he tilted his head at me and I asked, “So what’s your real name?” Hikaru had grown very still on my lap and I watched a series of looks pass over his face as his eyes got slowly wider.

“You…what…? No…” he said slowly, my confusion clearly evident as he slapped a hand over his face. “Oh my god, you’re serious.”

“Yes?” I said, confused as I saw his face flushing from behind the hand he was still hiding behind.

“Hikaru? What—“ a thought occurred to me, a blood-chillingly horrifying thought.

“Hikaru,” I said again in a small, tight voice. “What’s your real name?” He remained silent and as I looked past his red-flushed face I spotted his wallet and keys splayed haphazardly on the glass coffee table. He offered no resistance as I slid out from beneath him, reaching for the wallet on autopilot as behind me Hikaru fled to the bedroom.

His agency ID was in the window but I ignored it. I could see the top of his driver’s licence, a narrow strip in one of the card slots and I slid it free, revealing Hikaru’s face and neat rows of kanji staring back at me and confirming the fears that were twisting in my gut.

 “Tani…zaki....”

No wonder his employee data wasn’t listed in the ka’s.

I pulled the card up closer, reading and re-reading the black letters printed above a birth date I knew as well as my own and a face I could now see could only be a year or two older from the last time I had seen it.

“What the hell?” I said softly, then, letting the wallet drop to my lap, I let my brain try and process this new information and I repeated it, louder this time. “What the hell?! Kakeru. _You’re Kakeru_.” There was a ringing in my ears. I didn’t register the sound of the wallet hitting the floor as I abruptly stood. “But you died! You were _dead_!” My voice was raised as I clutched my head, fingers digging into my scalp as a reply floated back from the bedroom.

“I thought you knew!” He sounded distressed and I walked around the sofa to stand in the hall, peering through the narrow opening at the figure slumped on the bed in the dark. “You applied to the agency and I was so sure that you’d finally found me but this whole time you _didn’t_ _even_ _recognise_ _me_?” I flinched as he sat up suddenly, eyes fixing on me as I tried to take a step back. “What the hell, Christian?”

I swallowed thickly, tears filling my eyes as I tried to explain. “But I did... but you were dead…I don’t understand.” I had flashed back to that first meeting, seeing Hikaru glaring at me so angrily and thinking _he looks just like Kakeru_ and now tears were rolling freely down my cheeks because he looked just as angry now. At the first sign of my tears his angry look softened, and I saw his hand twitch like he wanted to reach for me. I swayed on the spot, torn between wanting to run far away or fall into his arms.

“You didn’t call,” he said softly, sinking to the mattress and wrapping his arms around his knees as he continued. “I waited and waited and you never called.” I shook my head but I couldn’t find my voice as he continued. “You just disappeared. Disconnected number, deleted facebook, no skype. It was like you stopped existing.”

 _That was you, though!_ I thought desperately, _I checked every day but you disappeared!_

“I didn’t know how to find you so I hoped you’d find me. I got into the agency, worked like a demon for three years and finally debuted. Christian, I wrote _songs_ for you!” he cried, and it was all starting to make sense. I felt a sick feeling twisting in my gut as I remembered the gold discs I walked past every day.

_Lost Souls._

_Reaching for You._

“I hoped you’d hear them and know I was looking for you; I wanted you to find me, but…you didn’t.”

And he didn’t wait forever.

_Shattered._

“I wanted to hate you.” His face had twisted again, anger and frustration warring for dominance. “It would have been so much easier if I could just let it go but I loved you so much and…”

_I broke his heart._

“I—“ I couldn’t get the words out, choking on a sob that wrenched from my chest and he bit his lip hesitantly as he watched me, arms slowly unwrapping to open invitingly.

“Please come here,” he begged, arms held wide as I crawled up to hug him.

“I thought you were dead,” I cried into his shoulder as he started to stroke my back soothingly. “I did call, so many times,” I explained through sobs. “It never went through, there was no service. The tsunami…the news...” I felt his arms tighten around me as I broke down. “Why didn’t you tell me you were ok?”

“I wasn’t for ages,” he said softly, “I was unconscious for nearly a month. Blood poisoning, they said. Oh my god, _Chris_.” I could feel his own tears soaking into my shirt as he clung to me, his hand trailing down my arm to grip my wrist tightly. “You…you didn’t…not because of-“

“I couldn’t cope, didn’t want—“ I choked on the words but he was already shushing me, pulling me even closer.

“Shh,” he whispered, the reassuring stroking starting again and I relaxed into the warm weight smoothing up and down my back as he shook his head. “I don’t even want to think about that now.”

“Kakeru.” It felt strange to call him that, but as I did he reached up to stroke my hair, the tender touch bringing a fresh wave of tears.

“I can’t believe all this time…” he said softly, turning his face into my neck as he kissed below my ear. “I was so angry with you, you know. You were cold and distant; I was sure you’d stopped caring about me,” he said softly. I couldn’t reply, just held him tighter as all my bottled-up emotions overwhelmed me. “Chris? Christian?”

Hikaru, _no, Kakeru_ , I corrected, gently moved me back by the shoulders, reaching up to brush my cheeks as fresh tears spilled onto his fingers.

“I love you,” he said gently, and it might have been a bit blurry through the tears but I could see him smiling at me, his tender touch on my cheek drawing me closer as I found my voice to finally reply.

“I love you, Kakeru.”

 

Shuushou ~ Epilogue ~ 終章

 2011

“I think we’re done here Yuu-chan.” At the disheartened voice of her colleague Yuuka turned to see Misaki shoving her flyers in the bag before adjusting the strap on her shoulder. They had been scouting in Ikebukuro for the last three hours in the crush of after school pedestrians and they had only spotted half a dozen potential candidates. Yuuka blew her fringe out of her face irritably; she’d been hoping for a better turn out than this. Her next promotion hinged on fresh talent and she hadn’t see anyone today who—

“Excuse me,” a voice interrupted her train of thought and she wheeled around, already bowing an apology as she stepped out of the way, but she froze as she watched the teenager duck his head in silent acknowledgement.

“Wait!” she called, taking a few quick steps after him. He stopped and turned to her, his face carefully blank as she gave him a once over. “Ever thought about modelling?” she asked brightly, thrusting a flyer at him and smiling as he took it.

“Not really,” was his disinterested reply, but Yuuka was undeterred.

“What about acting, or singing?” she continued, undeterred. “We can make you world famous,” she added, and she could see that had piqued his interest, a slight narrowing of his eyes as he looked up at her.

“…yeah?” His carefully neutral reply thrilled Yuuka to her core. She’d finally found a face and it seemed like he had some talent to go with it.

“Come and audition,” she urged him, handing over her own business card, “what have you got to lose?”

“Yuu-chan, let’s go!” Misaki called impatiently, but Yuuka wasn’t letting this one go yet.

“What’s your name hun?” She smiled kindly as he slowly looked up from the card.

“…Kakeru,” he said slowly, fingers closing over the card to grip it tightly.

“Nice to meet you, Kakeru. Make sure you audition, ok?” and with a final wave Yuuka turned to follow Misaki up the street, a feeling a satisfaction putting a bounce in her step. She had a hunch about this one. Something told her she’d be seeing him again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who stuck with this story. I know it must have been hard to read because there were times it was hard to write. I projected way too much on poor Chris and we really needed a break from each other in the end -_-  
> While I was taking a break I started another story, which I promise is not dark at all like this was, so stay tuned for Rivals, coming very soon.


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